Chapter 18 #2
“Just checking, you’re not going to lock me up again, are you?” she said with a smile, as if she were telling a joke. I knew she wanted a true answer; she knew how close I was to doing exactly that.
I was relieved when a ship-wide call went out to announce that we’d reached Xio and were entering the planet’s orbit.
All crew members needed to report for their assigned duties.
That meant I had to go, too. Relieved? No, this was terrible news.
Now I had to make my choice, and quickly.
Her green eyes pierced me, growing sharper and more pointed the longer I hesitated to answer.
“No locks,” I said gruffly. “Just…” I shrugged helplessly, looked away from her green eyes, and then winced when I discovered Harper staring at me, full of judgment. I’d meddled with her and Mitnick, and it had worked—they were together now—but she had not forgiven me for scaring her one bit.
“I’ll stick to our quarters, Sin,” Frederique conceded with grace.
She had far more tact than I ever would, but I felt ‘handled’ rather than seen.
Like she was placating me in something she felt I had no right to ask.
“But you need to figure this out, and fast. I can’t deal with the hot and cold.
” Then she waved her hand. “Go. Don’t keep them waiting. ”
I was the coward she’d once called me because I said nothing, but turned tail and fled.
***
Frederique
Three weeks wasn’t an awfully long time when you thought about it.
It felt like a lifetime had passed since I’d woken from stasis.
That was good in many ways. It already made the failed mission, my dead friends, and the loss of Earth feel like distant scars.
There was this vague worry that it might come crashing down around my ears at some point, but being with Sin had felt so good for a while that I hadn’t cared.
That night we’d talked, and he’d told me a bit about his past, which had made me see the wounded, scarred man beneath the armor.
It made me want him with all my heart, and to prove to him that he was enough, that he was good and true and deserving.
And the more time we spent together, the more it all seemed to fall apart.
He withdrew a little, day by day, so slight a change that at first I hadn’t noticed.
Not until yesterday morning, when I’d woken up to a cold bed and realized he’d been slipping away.
Not only had he put the walls back up and begun to roam the ship at night, but he’d grown thinner in his face.
It seemed to me that he was not eating, but since I saw what he ate, that hardly seemed possible.
Val had also begun to act listless, and where she’d stuck to my side the first week, she too had begun to slip away.
Now, all the connection that remained between my mate, Val, and me were a few thin strands of silver.
As if that was all she could stand to touch me with.
“You’re a tough lady, Freddie,” Harper said from behind me.
She hooked her arm through mine and hugged me to her side, but it wasn’t much comfort.
Over the past three weeks, I had realized how hopelessly easy it had been to fall in love with Sin.
Had, from the moment he’d exposed that first vulnerable spot.
It wasn’t so hard to picture a life with him in it, aboard this ship, with these people.
I liked it here, and there was no way I ever wanted to return to Earth.
That would be too painful. Now, the guy I was in love with was walking away, and he might as well have slammed the door in my face.
That’s how distant things felt between us.
“Tough?” I scoffed. “Please… I feel ready to fall to pieces right this instant.” It wasn’t even a bad idea to retreat to Sin’s quarters—our rooms—and just be alone for a while.
I knew some of the ladies liked to go onto the bridge during missions to keep tabs on how things went, but I didn’t think I could stand the thought.
Until Sin let me in, this relationship wasn’t going to work.
I didn’t want to add worrying about his safety to the mix.
“I can’t imagine what you’re feeling right now,” Harper agreed kindly.
She was a clever lady and was already steering me toward the officer quarters.
Since I’d settled in on the ship, the doctor had upgraded my translator implants and given me eye implants as well.
Now the dark ship was no longer quite so dark, and the mystery of how everyone got around was also solved.
The implants in my eyes allowed me to read all the alien scripts, and they also laid out colorful lines along the walls that acted as guides.
“I won’t pretend to like the guy—he’s a scary SOB—but I can see that he’s right for you.
I’d also have to be blind not to notice that he’s got some serious communication issues.
” That made me laugh, though the sound was wry, and perhaps a little sad.
Yeah, communication issues, now there was a topic.
I was fine with him not admitting in words that he loved me; I could sense how much he cared in every touch.
It was the slow withdrawal and decline that I couldn’t handle.
Why was he pulling away? And why did he look thin?
I needed to know what was going on. Oh, who was I kidding?
I was beyond worried, and I didn’t know how to reach him.
When we reached Sin’s quarters, I discovered that a portion of Val was waiting for me there.
She was just a small Riho, the half-cat, half-otter creature, all fluffy and cute.
She fluffed out a bushy tail and waved it at me in greeting, and the thin strands of silver that were part of her heated against my throat and wrists.
“Oh,” Harper exclaimed in surprise at the sight.
“I guess he can’t resist looking out for you, can he? ”
That made me laugh. “He’d tie me to the bed for my safety if he thought he could get away with it.
” I still sounded sad to my own ears, but Harper made a naughty joke, either not catching on or hoping to distract me.
I watched her leave, a little envious, when a shadow detached from the wall ahead: tall shoulders and feathered wings.
Her mate, waiting for her, eagerly cupped a wing around her shoulders and made her part of his world.
“See, why can’t Sin do that? What will it take for him to let me in?
” I said to Val as the two of us slipped into the living area.
I flicked on the light and stood for a moment, taking in the odd, museum-like quality of the room.
Sin had so many things he’d collected in his life, and they were lined up on all these shelves to look at.
Yet there was no space to sit, as if he’d rather rush through the room and not look at his memories—a metaphor for how he conducted his life.
It had to change, but at the same time, I also didn’t really want to change him.
I liked that he was so protective, I liked that he was bossy and gruff, and that he struggled to express how he felt unless it was with touch.
I just wanted to know that he was okay, and he wasn’t acting like he was.
“I suppose you can’t tell me what the issue is either, can you?
” I asked Val. My fingers trailed over a purple and pink seashell the size of a dinner plate, then touched the sinuous curves of a pale gray sculpture no bigger than my fist. Everything here was an odd, eclectic mix, but it was all sensual and pretty—like he couldn’t help but surround himself with beautiful things designed to induce warm, pleasurable feelings when viewing them.
It was such a contradiction to the hard man he appeared to be.
Val made a mewling sound and danced out of my way, as if she didn’t want me to touch her.
Her silver fur stood on end on her back, all spiked up in warning.
She was this close to hissing at me, too, and I wanted to cry.
Why? She’d been so sweet to me at first, and now?
I was starting to think Val didn’t want me here, and that hurt.
It hurt because it felt a bit like a rejection from Sin.
“Fine,” I said to her. Retreating to the bedroom, I kicked off my boots and curled up on the bed.
Pulling out my tablet, I settled in for a long read.
Perhaps I could go over what data I had on the Sons of Ragnar again.
Maybe there was something in it that I’d missed the previous dozen times I’d gone over it.
That was the one good thing that had come out of that weird attack from the Davidson thing back on the planet.
Apparently, he’d brought the tablet, it had been inside that disgusting, smelly pile he’d left behind in the shuttle.
A courting gift, possibly—which was even more disgusting to consider than the muck itself.
Ysa had cleaned it up for me, and then Sin had the computer expert—Harper’s guy—go over it with a fine-toothed comb.
It had come up clean, and I was beyond grateful to have my pictures and personal files.
“If you’re going to sulk over there, can you at least pretend you like me?
” I said to Val. She was watching me from the doorway, hackles raised and a glare on her face.
At least her snout wasn’t pointed right at me but at some weird spot on the wall.
That was very catlike, so I was going to pretend she wasn’t mad at me but at the dust specks floating in the air or something.