Chapter 37
CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
HAYDEN
Six conversations overlap in my mother’s dining room, bouncing off the pale yellow walls and the antique china cabinet she refuses to replace. Forks scrape plates. Someone laughs too loudly. Jemmy babbles incessantly to my mom, and she hangs onto every word he speaks.
Same table. Same faces. Same heavy oak chair beneath me.
Everything else is different.
A month ago, I sat in this exact seat with my jaw locked so tight it ached. Every time Joshua leaned toward Rowan, every time she laughed at something he said, it killed me. Made me rage with jealousy. Because he could touch her. Could make her smile. Make her laugh.
I couldn’t.
Or so I thought.
Today, Joshua is still part of whatever animated conversation Rowan’s having with Claire and Dylan, but he doesn’t touch her arm when he talks. Doesn’t lean too close. Doesn’t linger.
Every few minutes, she steals a glance my way, a myriad of unspoken words in that one look.
A part of me wonders if Joshua knows, since he seems to keep his distance, especially whenever he notices me looking at Rowan. But if he’s figured it out, he hasn’t mentioned it.
Regardless, one thing is certain.
This past month has been one of the best of my life.
Quiet laughter during dinner. Making Rowan come after the kids are asleep. Stolen kisses in the kitchen.
It’s been…easy.
After a year of wearing my grief like a badge of honor, I feel lighter. I sleep better. Laugh more.
All because of Rowan.
It doesn’t even bother me that any day she could decide she’s had enough of us and leave.
Do I want her to leave?
Of course not.
But I’m not obsessing over the future.
Hell, I’m not even obsessing over the past anymore.
For the first time in ages, I’m just here.
Present.
Free.
“Is that a smile I see?”
Jude’s voice cuts through my thoughts, and I quickly school my expression, pretending I wasn’t just smiling at the mere thought of the things my employee did to me before the kids woke up this morning.
“What are you talking about?” I bring my beer to my lips and take a sip. “Good batch, by the way,” I say, referring to the beer.
But he doesn’t take the bait. I should know by now he wouldn’t.
“What’s going on with you?” He leans back in his chair. “You seem…different.”
“I’m not different,” I respond dismissively. “Just enjoying my beer.”
Jude scrunches his brows, studying me with even more intensity. “The Hayden I’ve seen moping around the past year hasn’t enjoyed anything. Which begs the question…” He brings his thumb and forefinger up to his chin. “What precisely are you enjoying now?”
I avert my gaze, stealing a glance at Rowan as I do. “I don’t know what—”
“A-ha!” His voice echoes through the room, everyone pausing their conversations to look his way.
“Sorry.” He clears his throat. “Just figured out a crossword clue from this morning. Those Sunday puzzles can be brutal.”
My mom gives him a skeptical stare, but eventually shrugs it off and returns her attention to Jemmy.
Once the noise returns to its normal fevered level, Jude leans toward me. “You’re fucking the nanny.”
I choke on my beer, coughing as I struggle to catch my breath.
“What?” I manage to say after a few seconds. “I don’t know where you got that.”
“Allow me to present Exhibit A.”
“What are you?” I snort. “A lawyer?”
“Better. I own a bar. Have spent thousands of hours pouring beers for people who tell me their deepest, darkest secrets. I’m everyone’s favorite therapist. And over the years, I’ve learned how to read people.
Better yet, I’m able to read the tension between people.
” He gives a subtle nod in Rowan’s direction.
“Last month, the tension between the two of you was fucking intense. It screamed, ‘I can’t have her, but I’ll murder anyone who even looks her way. ’”
Heat creeps up my neck, but I play it off. “That so?”
“Case in point…the death glare you shot poor Joshua every ten seconds. But this month? It’s different. No death glare.”
“Because there’s nothing—”
He holds up a hand, cutting me off.
“Ah, ah, ah. I’m not finished.” He brings the bottle back to his lips and takes a long swallow.
“As I was saying, there’s no death glare this month.
And the tension isn’t giving off those territorial vibes.
Instead, it’s oozing with ‘I just had her and I’m counting down the seconds until I can have her again. ’”
He waggles his brow, and I shake my head. But he’s not wrong.
I am counting down the seconds until I can be alone with Rowan.
“You can’t even deny it. You’ve got it bad.”
There’s no sense in lying to him. If there’s anyone I can talk to about this, it’s Jude.
He’s one of the few people who can truly understand what I’ve gone through this past year.
He suffered a loss, too. A different kind of loss, but a loss all the same.
He wrestled with guilt, regret, and grief, just like me.
Struggled to move on. Until Abbey.
“We’re just having some fun. That’s all.”
“Famous last words.” He tilts back his beer bottle and takes a sip.
“We agreed. No plans for a future. We’re just having some fun while she’s here and when the arrangement no longer works out or it’s time for her to leave, it ends and we go our separate ways.”
“Are you sure about that?”
“It’s not like we’re dating or anything,” I attempt to argue. “It’s just sex.”
“It’s never just sex, brother.”
He glances toward the other end of the table where Abbey sits with Finn and Genevieve.
“I said the same thing about Abbey. We were just having some fun while she figured out what was next for her.” He leans closer and drops his voice. “And do you know what I did last weekend?”
“What?”
“Went ring shopping.”
“Wow. That’s great, Jude.” I give his shoulder a squeeze. “I’m happy for you.”
“Thanks, man. I never thought I’d be here again.
Not after everything I went through with Krista.
I figured that part of my life was over.
But when you meet someone who makes you feel like yourself again?
Like the version of you that existed before the worst thing happened?
” He narrows his gaze on me. “That’s not something you walk away from lightly. ”
My chest tightens as the sound of Rowan’s laughter filters through the air. It’s bright and unguarded, and it hits me harder than I expected.
I remember the man I was before my entire life was consumed by grief and regret. The man who laughed easily. Who said yes more than he said no.
I’ve seen glimpses of him lately.
“We’re not—”
“I get it,” Jude cuts through before I can repeat yet another bullshit lie.
“It’s terrifying. You went through something horrific.
Lost your wife and are now raising your kids on your own.
It makes sense that you wouldn’t want to put yourself in a situation where you or your kids might go through anything remotely similar.
I was in your shoes, too. Was so fucking scared of loving someone and losing them again that I shut out everyone.
And I almost lost the best thing that’s ever happened to me because of it. ”
I nod, all too familiar with what he’s talking about. How he let Abbey leave, then flew across the country to admit he fucked up.
“But maybe instead of insisting something could never be, you keep yourself open to what might be. I’ve seen a change in you over the past few months.
I’ve seen the old Hayden again. My brother.
Maybe I’m wrong, but I have a feeling that girl has something to do with it. Hell, she has a lot to do with it.”
I don’t argue. Because I know she does.
“You don’t let something like that walk away without a fight, man. Haven’t you punished yourself long enough?”
The noise around us swells again. Silverware. Laughter. The hum of family. But I don’t hear any of it.
Instead, my sole focus is on Rowan as she signs something to Presley. Something amusing, because Presley’s mouth curves into a wide smile, something she rarely did a few months ago.
For a second, the future flashes before my eyes. Coming home to a quiet house. No music playing in the kitchen. No vivacious girl dancing between checking on Jemmy and teaching Presley how to cook.
I’ve told myself I’ll be okay when she leaves.
That it won’t bother me.
But the mere idea of walking into the house without her there feels unbearable.
And that scares me more than anything.