Chapter 20
JULES
So much for not missing my phone.
When I woke up, after a fitful sleep which included a dream about Cole, I reached for my phone to text Delaney.
Of course, there was no phone. No way to get advice.
Listen to her, or any of the friends who knew me and Cole Ford, tell me I was an absolute idiot for thinking about him in any way other than a completely off-limits, emotionally unavailable man who I had no business “rescuing” from his self-imposed Manhattan exile.
Just me, myself and I. And according to my therapist, I wasn’t someone I trusted for advice.
This time, though, I was gonna have to go it alone.
By the time I changed and got ready—if I were smart, I’d be putting on emotional armor, not a sundress—for what Cole and I said would be a final day exploring Monterosso and Manarola, our two favorite Cinque Terre towns, I was mixed on the advice to myself.
Team Mr. Stick-Up-His-Ass said to have fun, but not too much fun. Enjoy the day, but no flirting. No points. Nothing but treating Cole like I would Parker or any of the other guys.
But Team “New” Cole reminded me, I didn’t feel about any of the other guys what I felt for Cole. I wasn’t insanely attracted to them or impressed by my own ability to draw them out, however slight a victory. Men like Cole didn’t share their vulnerabilities. And yet…
I jumped. A knock on the door.
Springing from my perch on the edge of the bed, I scanned my appearance in the bedroom mirror for the umpteenth time.
A pale-yellow sundress with spaghetti straps, perfect for a day in Italy.
It was even worth a strapless bra, I loved this dress so much.
With tan leather sandals and a matching tan crossbody, this was my most “Ligurian Coast” outfit yet.
I opened the door.
He was back to wearing tan chinos and leather shoes, a white button-down shirt rolled at the sleeves, but with little pale-yellow dots on the cuff.
We were… perfectly coordinated. If he noticed the way we looked together—like a couple—he didn’t show it.
But for a second, my stomach flipped hard enough that I had to pretend to adjust my crossbody.
And with the glasses back on, Cole looked not just like an Ivy League professor, but an Italian professor, and a hot one at that.
“Should I change?”
“What?” He appeared genuinely confused. “No,” he added, laughing. “But it is kind of funny.”
It was more than that, but Cole wasn’t as “woo woo” as me, so I kept my mouth shut. But then I remembered what Carolina told me about speaking my truth, no matter the company, so I blurted my thoughts out as we made our way from the hotel.
“Funny,” I said. “Or maybe not a coincidence.”
He held the door open to the lobby. “What does the fact that we inadvertently wore the same shades signify, do you think?”
We greeted the woman at the desk, one I didn’t know, and strolled through the lobby into the courtyard, heading through it to exit the hotel premises.
“Really?” I asked sarcastically. “Are you serious? You can’t guess?”
We headed down the cobblestone alleyway.
“Really. I’m genuinely asking for a friend.”
“And you’re the friend?” I guessed.
“Maybe.”
I rolled my eyes.
“That we’re…” I struggled to find the words.
Or at least, tried to until I caught a glimpse of Cole’s expression.
A week ago, I’d have thought it aloof. Maybe even condescending.
But I’d gotten to know his dry humor, and there was amusement buried deep behind those dark glasses. “Jerk. You know what I mean.”
He didn’t smile, exactly. But Cole’s lips did lift ever so slightly upward.
It was things like that I almost wished I hadn’t noticed. We ate breakfast at our usual spot, a café not far from the hotel in the piazza where Monterosso came to life, easy conversation weaving between us, too natural for two people who were supposed to be nothing.
Formulating a plan for the day, our last in Cinque Terre before we’d head out to meet up with Parker and Delaney, I reminded myself over and over—anytime my stomach did a little flip if I caught Cole looking at me or as he sat back, legs extended, looking more effortless European than confused tourist, or when I remembered the night he pressed me against the wall—what he’d told me on the boat.
Cole didn’t do relationships. He was a one-night-stand kind of guy. The very opposite of what I wanted, or needed, in my life.
Deciding to head to Manarola, our second favorite town of the five, we caught the ferry over. The wind kept blowing my hair across my face until Cole reached out—reflexively—and smoothed it behind my ear before catching himself. Neither of us mentioned it.
In Manarola, we strolled through the streets. Ate lunch. Drank wine. Shopped. Cole didn’t buy anything, but he stayed close, carrying my bag, handing me things to try, watching me with that unreadable-professor expression I was starting to understand wasn’t cold at all.
In the late afternoon, Cole suggested we walk the Via dell’Amore to Riomaggiore and catch the train back from there.
“It’s short,” he said. “Barely a mile.”
“It’s literally called Lover’s Lane,” I pointed out.
“And?” he said, deadpan. “We’re clearly immune.”
Immune. Right.
“I’m in. We’d planned to do more hiking but…”
As we made our way to the ticket stand, Cole addressed the “elephant in the room.”
“Juliette. Accidents happen.”
“Yeah. But they’re much more likely to happen when you’re a space cadet.”
He stopped, dead in the street.
“You have, or had, a therapist.”
“And?”
“And what would she say about you calling yourself a space cadet?”
I opened my mouth to respond, but he stopped me.
“Even if you’re prone to misplace things.”
That’s exactly what I’d planned to argue. I thought about it for a second. What would she say, if Carolina were standing in front of me.
“She’d say my mind was a powerful thing, and if I got accustomed to disparaging myself, my mind would start to believe it. That I shouldn’t do that.”
He waited. Raised his thick gorgeous brows under those glasses. God damn, Cole really was a specimen. Imagining him kissing me had become my new part-time job.
“Point taken,” I said. As we, or he, bought the ticket to hike and we made our way to the trail, I thought back to when he’d first come to Italy. Without him saying a word, I assumed he thought one way about me losing my backpack, and here he was defending me… from me.
“Thank you for coming,” I said as we started on Via dell’Amore which hugged the cliffs, the sea stretching out below us in endless blue. To our right, vines and wildflowers clung to the hillsides. “For interrupting your life, finding my old license… all of it.”
“My life, when we got the text, was out on a fishing boat with Parker. Not exactly earth-shattering. Everything I needed to do came with me, on my laptop.” He smiled openly. “As for your license. I will say I was a bit curious after having to dig through your dresser.”
“Oh yeah.” I’d totally forgotten about that. “My stickies.”
“Scusa,” a trail of hikers said, passing us in single file. They were strolling, as we were, but had hiking sticks and boots and gear… “I can’t believe how many serious hikers there are around Cinque Terre,” I commented when they passed.
“People come from all over the world for this hike,” Cole said, looking up the cliff to our right, patting the rock. “You know this stretch was carved by hand? Took decades. It connected the two towns so couples could see each other when the sea routes were too rough.”
How did the guy know everything about everything?
“Seriously?”
Oh man. That smile was deadly.
“Partially serious. It was carved by hand, and took decades. But I imagine having a walkable connection between isolated villages was the primary motivator.”
“Probably were couples from separate villages though? And how romantic of you, to suggest it.”
Cole gave me one of those serious “careful, Juliette” looks.
“I’m not a romantic guy.”
He could tell himself that, but yesterday proved otherwise. Cole really had put himself in a box that he was determined to keep the lid on.
For a time, we walked in silence. I had no idea what Cole was thinking, but for my part, I just wanted him to reach out, grab my hand, pull me into him, and kiss me. Would that be so hard?
Be careful what you wish for, Jules.
After that, we’d end up having wild sex—I’d gotten a small taste of what was really behind those glasses in the stairwell—and then spend an awkward flight home with Delaney and Jules.
I’d fantasize about doing it again, confess all to Delaney, who would tell me I was crazy to get involved with a guy who quite literally came up with the whole bachelor pact.
And then we’d get together once or twice in Cedar Falls, making me think about him more, until Cole decided that it was one date, or hookup, too many.
And that would be all she wrote.
I’d either avoid him or make it awkward when we were all together, which was inevitable. And probably spend the next few months thinking about this trip, romanticizing every moment, and paying for Carolina to help me move past him.
I knew the drill. And it sucked.
“Penny for your thoughts?”
I looked down past the railing, stopping and hanging on to it for dear life. It was a loooong way down. But breathtaking.
“I was just thinking about life.”
He stopped beside me, Cole’s hand, as he also gripped the railing, not far from mine.
“What about it?”
Obviously, I couldn’t tell him my real thoughts. So I pivoted to the other question that had been rattling through my brain. One I shouldn’t ask. We weren’t that close.
But I blurted it out anyway.
“What did you not tell me yesterday?” I’d planned on clarifying, reminding him of the conversation about his father and Cole’s job at Columbia. But by his expression, I realized I didn’t have to. He already knew.
Cole looked out to the sea. Down over the cliffs, out into an ocean that I’d come to love, not just for its beauty, but because of something I didn’t dare name out loud.
“I had a twin,” he said quietly, eyes on the horizon instead of me.
“His name was Caleb. We moved to New Haven when we were relocated for my father’s new position, and it was…
a hard transition for two middle schoolers.
Harder for him than anyone realized. My parents were fighting all the time, Caleb felt out of place at school, and one day he just…
couldn’t carry it anymore.” Cole’s jaw flexed once before he continued.
“After he died, my family fell apart. My parents needed someone to hold it together, someone to step into the future they’d imagined for him…
Caleb loved history even more than me. Was smart as hell.
” He paused. Still composed even though tears had already gathered in my eyes, threatening to spill over.
His gaze met mine for the first time since he started talking.
“So I did.”
I didn’t know what to say.
Cole reached up, brushed away the sole tear I couldn’t hold in, from my cheek.
“It’s okay. I’ve learned to carry this.”
“I didn’t know,” I managed.
“Of course you didn’t. I don’t tell anyone. The guys. My family. That’s it.”
Why did you tell me?
Even though the question was on the tip of my tongue, I didn’t ask. This moment wasn’t about me. It was about Cole sharing something he preferred to keep buried.
“Thank you for sharing,” I said, gripping the railing even harder now, but not for fear of falling off. “I’m glad you found a way to carry it. But Cole…” I nearly started choking up again, thinking of Caleb. Somehow, I held it together. “You were never meant to carry it alone.”