Chapter 36
COLE
It was a pillow.
I wasn’t holding Jules. I was holding a damn pillow.
Opening my eyes, daylight streaming through the blinds I’d purposely left open, I remained in bed—just lying there, thinking of her.
Thinking of everything.
Italian breakfasts, strolls through cobblestone streets, the boat ride, the cabin, cookies yesterday…
What the hell was I doing? Moments like Italy made it too easy to believe in something that couldn’t last. Too easy to forget that real life came with expectations and futures that didn’t always line up.
How did I stop us from crossing a line that would turn this into something I couldn’t sustain without hurting her?
There was some work I could do, but my mind was anything but focused. I grabbed my phone. No text from Jules, though I hadn’t really expected one. I’d said I would text her, but you never knew.
Clicking on Beck’s name, I fired off a text.
Cole
anything on the agenda this morning?
While I waited for him to respond, I got up and jumped in the shower. Refusing to think about the past twenty-four hours, needing distance—both physically and mentally—I kept it quick. Towel around my waist, I headed back into the bedroom.
Beck
late night, just getting up. No agenda. what’s up?
Cole
up for a run?
I had to get out and do something physical, but I also needed to get some of this out. Confiding in the guys wasn’t as comfortable for me as it was for some of them, but I wasn’t stupid enough to think I had all the answers.
Beck
ugh, you’re killing me
And then…
Beck
when? where?
Cole
in front of the bar, 30 minutes
Getting a thumbs-up, I dressed for a run. When I headed downstairs, neither Mason nor Pia—or mini Mason—were anywhere to be found. They were probably inside the pub, cleaning up after the weekend. Summers tended to be busy, but Mondays and Tuesdays were the exception.
By the time I met Beck at the top of the hill in front of O’Malley’s Pub, I was more than ready to let the adrenaline flow.
“Lackawanna Trail?” I asked.
Beck looked more like a surfer than a runner, but he could hang.
“You wake me up early, ask me to go on a run, and then choose one with hills. Seriously?”
We started to jog.
“It builds character.”
“It might build quadriceps. Character? Not so sure. I’ve been running that trail my whole life and only recently learned to appreciate it.”
“I’m not convinced you would’ve if Mae hadn’t returned.”
“You’re not wrong,” he said.
“How’s she doing?” I asked. “How’s the business?”
We talked about both the bar and Mae’s business—they were partners in both.
By the time we reached the hill, neither of us spoke.
One of the benefits of the Lackawanna Trail was the view.
When we reached the top, my legs burning, I put my hands on my knees and bent over, catching my breath. Then I looked up.
The lake stretched out below us, calm and glassy after yesterday’s storm, mist still clinging to the edges of the hills like it wasn’t ready to let go.
“You know we’re only halfway, right?” Beck said. “And then we have to go back.”
“We never actually stop and look,” I said, gesturing toward the lake. “Just trying to appreciate our surroundings.”
He squinted at me. “Appreciate your surroundings? Okay, what the hell is going on with you? Is this about Jules?”
“Yeah. It’s about Jules.” I sat on one of the flat rocks, and Beck didn’t hesitate to sit beside me.
I looked at him, and for the second time in as many days, I voluntarily opened up—told someone what I was thinking. The world really was turning upside down.
“I don’t know how to describe it. Obviously she’s a beautiful woman, but there’s something about her. I can’t look away. I can’t stay away. We’ve been together two nights and… I don’t know, man. I don’t know what to do.”
Beck looked toward the sun as it climbed higher. The only signs of yesterday’s storm were a few muddy patches along the trail.
“I know you don’t have much experience with actual relationships, but they’re pretty simple. You like someone. You spend time together. You figure out if you’re compatible.”
“Simple? When you live in two different places? When you’re pretty certain there’ll come a point where you pull away and hurt the other person?”
I didn’t say the rest. That it wasn’t a hypothetical. I knew exactly how that moment would go, because I’d lived it before.
It started with intensity, connection, the kind of pull you don’t question. And it ended with me stepping back just late enough to do damage. Jules deserved better than that. Which was precisely why wanting her felt dangerous.
Beck ran his fingers through that dirty-blond mop of his and pushed it to the side.
“She knows what she’s signing up for. I’m sure you gave her a heads-up?”
“Of course I did. I told her point-blank that I’ve had very few relationships. And I told her why.”
Beck’s eyes widened. “Did you really?”
I didn’t answer.
“Oh shit. This is worse than I thought. Yeah, I can see why you’re concerned.”
Not the advice I’d been hoping for.
“Do you think I should walk away now? Go back to New York? Spare her?”
“I think you need to figure out what the hell you want first. And why you’re so hesitant to dive into something with a woman you clearly like a lot.”
I liked her more than a lot, but that could stay between me, myself, and I for now.
“That’s what I’m trying to do.”
“Cole, this isn’t about the distance. You could figure that out. And if you’re worried about pissing off fathers, I’ve got plenty of experience there.”
He wasn’t wrong. Neither of us had great relationships with our fathers. Mine would go ballistic if I ever turned down tenure. Not that I gave a shit—but he’d take it out on my mother. Not physically, but emotionally. I’d tried to talk to them before. It was useless.
“I don’t care what he thinks.”
Liar.
I amended it. “Despite what he thinks, I’d do it. I don’t give a shit about titles or positions.” I waved toward the view below. “This. This is what I want. Cedar Falls is my home.”
“Good. Half the equation’s solved.”
He said it like it was that easy.
“And Jules? She’s probably expecting a text from me. I want to send it. I just don’t want to be a dick about this—despite what Mason and Parker think.”
“The fact that you’re sitting here talking about this tells me you’re not a dickhead. Personally, I think you’re overthinking it. Jules is pretty awesome. Never saw the two of you together, but if it works… it works.”
Oh, it worked. Too well.
“Maybe I’ll text her.”
I pulled out my phone.
Cole
good morning!
Deleted.
Cole
how’s it going?
Deleted.
Cole
are you busy this afternoon?
Deleted.
I shoved my phone back into my pocket.
“So… you texted her?”
“Not quite. But I will.”
“You should. Just be honest. Let her decide if she can handle something casual—assuming that’s what you want.”
“If I knew what I wanted, I wouldn’t be sitting here talking to you on a run.”
Beck stood. Talk time was over.
“Let’s go.”
He took off, and there was no way in hell I was letting him beat me downhill. Trail running was one of my favorite things, but today it was more than getting steps in. I needed to clear my head.
It came down to the last twenty feet, but I pulled ahead.
“And that was with you having a head start.”
“Head start, my ass.”
We jogged back, our argument continuing until we reached the pub.
“I’ve got cold beer on tap,” Beck said.
“On a Monday morning?”
He unlocked the door. “Some of us work nights. This is my 9 a.m.”
We sat at the bar. One beer turned into two. Then three.
“Did you text her yet?”
I pulled out my phone. “Going to now. Staying open?”
Monday was the only day O’Malley’s shuttered.
“You want me to?”
“Yeah. Stay open.”
Cole
what are you up to?
Three dots appeared almost immediately.
Jules
just finished some words. you?
not much else exciting happening here.
Cole
went for a run with Beck. we’re back at the bar. any interest in coming over?
Jules
I didn’t think it was open on Mondays.
Cole
it isn’t usually. today’s an exception.
Jules
sounds good. see you there in a bit.
“Well,” Beck said, already behind the bar, “this should be interesting.”
Within an hour, we went from two guys sharing post-run beers to a nearly full bar. Pia was itching to get out, so she and Mason found a sitter. Delaney arrived shortly after Jules, and Mae followed.
Before long, we were packed around the bar, drinks in hand, Jules sitting beside me. Slipping into an easy companionship with her was effortless.
“How did the writing go?”
“Pretty good. Two chapters, fairly clean.” She smiled. “How was your run?”
“Good. Trail run. We raced back. I won.”
“We basically tied,” Beck said.
I noticed the way his eyes lit up when he saw her. Subtle, but telling.
“The gang’s almost all here,” Pia said. Mason looked at her like she was the most beautiful woman in the world.
Maybe I was smitten too.
But would it last?
Less than half an hour later, Parker walked in soaked.
“Glad we got our run in earlier,” Beck said.
“So what’s this all about?” Parker asked.
“Spontaneous Fun Day Monday,” Mae said.
The afternoon wound down. When it came time to leave, I didn’t want Beck keeping the bar open just for us.
“Dinner plans?” I asked Jules quietly.
She hesitated. Just for a second.
“Or not.” I teased. “Maybe I’ll call it a night.”
The disappointment in her eyes only confirmed my choice.
“Text me your schedule for tomorrow,” I said. “If you want to do something.”
She nodded. “Okay.”
She left, smiling politely.
I downed my drink as Mae passed by, patting my shoulder.
Beck shook his head. “You’ve got yourself in a bit of a pickle.”
“A pickle?” I said. “More like I jumped headfirst into a jar labeled do not open unless you’re ready to ruin your life.”