Chapter 42
JULES
He was gone. I woke alone, his side of the bed already cold.
There was a part of me that wasn’t the least bit surprised. As amazing as yesterday had been, he’d pulled back again.
I got up, noticing the note on my nightstand. There was no reason given, no explanation of why he’d left, just a message to text him when I was up. Restraining myself from touching my phone, especially to text him, I started getting ready for the day.
As I brushed my teeth, deciding not to speculate and ruminate over every detail, I focused instead on today.
I promised myself with any two-hour block of time that I had free, I would work on the book.
And so, unstressed, I headed downstairs, made some coffee, and sat at the kitchen counter where I typically wrote.
It was a struggle at first to concentrate, thinking of Cole and last night, but I managed to get over 2,000 words.
As I’d done all morning, I looked at my phone. I needed advice first.
Grabbing my phone and tapping two buttons, I put it on speaker and laid it next to my laptop.
“Hey. What’s up?” Delaney asked.
“Not much, just writing.” I hesitated, then jumped right in. “Cole stayed here again last night.”
I took my coffee over to the sink.
“I know. Parker just picked him up. Cole dropped off the truck this morning.”
I could have put the cup in the dishwasher, but found myself cleaning it, needing something to do with my hands.
“Makes sense. You know I sleep like the dead. He left before I got up, just said ‘text me.’”
“Hmmm. Well, you might want to do that sooner rather than later. He’s getting ready to head back.”
Head back? He wasn’t due to leave for New York until tomorrow.
“He didn’t mention anything about heading back early. Originally he was scheduled to go back Thursday for a meeting on Friday.”
This wasn’t good. At all.
“You’ll have to talk to him, but I think that meeting is the reason he’s going back. Something about his tenure. But I don’t know for sure.”
Cole had moved his meeting to Friday, but that was supposed to be about his fall schedule. What could have happened between last night and this morning to change that?
“Delaney, I’m falling for him.”
“Shit, Jules. I knew this would happen.”
“Why didn’t you tell me not to do it?” I teased.
“Don’t even. All right, it’s not a complete disaster. Parker did say that Cole seemed different since Italy, but in a good way. That’s a positive.”
I put my dried mug back into the cabinet.
“I guess. But he doesn’t even date people, never mind get into a serious relationship. And honestly, if I keep spending time with him, I’m going to want that. More.”
Actually, I sort of wanted that now. But admitting it out loud… not something I wanted to do yet.
“Funny enough, it was the lack of glasses he mentioned. Parker said that the guys had always ripped him about wearing glasses when he had contacts. I don’t know, just an odd detail that Park mentioned. Probably has nothing to do with you.”
Except it did. I said I liked him without the glasses, although I liked him with the glasses too, and he hadn’t worn them since.
“Okay, so Cole is acting out of character. Maybe he likes me a little bit. And I like him, a lot. So even if he breaks his own rules and, best-case scenario, we actually start dating, then what? He’s accepting tenure at Columbia and is stuck in New York City.
Thinking long-term, that’s the last place I’d want to live.
Visit? Yes. But Cedar Falls is my home.”
I sat back on the stool, knowing I had to polish an article next, and put my chin in my hands.
“I think you just can’t look at it that way. If you do, your best option is to cut ties with Cole right now before it’s too late.”
It was already too late.
“The other option,” Delaney said, “is just to enjoy the time that you have with him, keep it casual, and don’t think about a relationship or the future or any of that. If you really like being with him.”
That was kind of what we were doing now. Except my heart was starting to get involved. Ever since I learned about his brother, so much of Cole’s personality made sense. Getting beyond the initial coolness, there was a fun, intelligent man behind that mask.
One I wanted to continue to get to know.
“I guess I’ll go with option B. Any tips on how to avoid falling in love with him?”
Delaney laughed. “Do you forget who you’re talking to? Parker and I got together? If I had tips, I’d be sending them your way already.”
True.
I finished the call with Delaney, and we made concrete plans for Friday night.
Sometimes, you had to go to the person who knew more than you did. I clicked a few keys on my keyboard, and within five minutes had sent a message to my therapist. She’d said I could always reach out, and this seemed to warrant a connection.
Checking my inbox instead of my phone turned out to be a good distraction. She got back to me in less than twenty minutes. Asked if I wanted an appointment in an hour.
Yes, I did. But in the meantime, I hadn’t texted Cole, and it felt like I was giving him the cold shoulder, or playing games a bit. I just needed to know how to go forward in this situation before it was too late.
When it came time for my appointment, I pulled Carolina up on video.
“Okay,” she said. Seeing her on screen, knowing she was there at literally the drop of a hat when I wouldn’t have expected an appointment today, was more comforting than I realized.
“Let me ask you this. Is Cole actually doing something wrong, or is he just not doing what your anxiety wants him to do fast enough?”
I opened my mouth, then closed it. “That feels unfair.”
She smiled gently. “Most honest questions do.”
“He pulled back,” I said. “That matters.”
“It does,” she agreed. “But pulling back isn’t the same as walking away. Sometimes it’s fear. Sometimes it’s self-protection. Sometimes it’s a man realizing he’s more in it than he planned to be.”
I crossed my arms. “So I’m just supposed to sit here and wait?”
“No,” she said quickly. “You’re supposed to stay open without abandoning yourself. There’s a difference. Waiting silently while spiraling isn’t healthy. But neither is burning something down just because it scares you.”
I exhaled slowly. “I don’t want to be the woman who chases.”
“And you’re not,” she said. “You’re the woman who chooses. The question is whether you’re choosing from fear… or from truth.”
“And what if the truth is that I care more than he does?”
She held my gaze through the screen. “Then the next step isn’t to run. It’s to find out. Because clarity beats imagination every time.”
I swallowed. “So… I don’t quit yet.”
“No,” she said softly. “You stay curious. You stay honest. And you let him show you who he is now… not who you’re afraid he might be.”
We finished the call, and I thanked her profusely for jumping on so quickly. My phone stayed silent, and I watched it, knowing it was time to pick it up and text him.
So what did I say?
Letting Carolina’s words wash over me, soaking in the lessons she’d offered, I finally reached for it and punched out a text.
I wasn’t waiting for Cole anymore. I was waiting to see who he chose to be.
Jules
Thinking of you. No pressure to reply.