Chapter Fifteen
Patch
I last a couple of days without seeing Em before I feel like I want to crawl out of my skin. Is this how Dax felt? I don’t know how he coped with it at all.
We’ve been texting back and forth. Em seems to keep odd hours, replying to me at three and four in the morning, but I don’t mind.
I’ve been out running every night since our date on Monday, and I’m glad I only have to send Alpha Axel a text to give him a heads-up because I think if I had to ring him every time, he’d express his concern.
Still, I can’t stop thinking about Jamie.
More than a sliver of guilt has been gnawing at me since Saturday, and it’s growing and growing, chewing away at my insides.
I want to see Em again. I want to see Jamie, too.
It’s not like I saw him every day before everything got awkward between us, but what if I never see him again?
What if it’s only at Alpha Kieran’s pack dinners or if I’m going over to visit Em?
All of that is why I find myself knocking on Dax’s door at three in the afternoon.
Sam must have modified the wards to let me into their building, which is nice, but just triggers another flare of guilt because I know they kind of want me to join their pack, too, and if Jamie was my mate, yeah, I probably would have, but Em’s not tied to them, not tied to anyone, from the sounds of it.
Dax frowns when he opens the door and sees me standing there, which tells me I look more like shit than I thought. I’ve seen his bemused smile when I’ve done surprising things before. This isn’t that.
“Come in,” he says and takes a few steps back so I can shut the door behind me. “Everything okay?”
“Uh. Yes. No. I don’t know.”
I hear a clatter from the kitchen. “Fuck. Is Vince home? I kind of thought he’d be out.”
“Yeah, he’s over at the gym finishing up.” A faint smile crosses Dax’s face. “Drew’s just…”
Drew appears in the kitchen doorway, holding a bowl in one hand and a whisk in the other. “Do you need me to go?” he asks.
I know he’ll leave if I say yes. But obviously, he and Dax are working on something here. I’m the one interrupting. “No, sorry, I should—”
Dax grabs my arm before I can go anywhere. “Stay,” he says. “We can go talk in the bedroom or something.”
Because, of course their flat setup is just like Alpha Kieran and his mate, Lucien’s, down the hall; the kitchen and living room are one big space, though at least this one has a bit of an entryway that the other is lacking.
“No, it’s fine. It’s—Just tell your mates to keep it to themselves.”
Drew shrugs. “I won’t tell them,” he says, like it’s that easy, and wanders back into the kitchen, whisking away.
I follow Dax to the living room and as he grabs us both water, I watch Drew’s careful, confident movements. The oven is on, and I catch the smell of sugar and butter.
“What are you making?”
“A cake.” Drew gives Dax a sly look. “Someone wants to surprise his mate.”
Dax pulls a face when he hands me a glass of water. “I wanted to make Vince a cake. He’s been working so hard at the gym, and he’s really excited for it to open, but I don’t know how to bake that well.”
“So Drew’s making it for you?”
“I’m helping!”
I exchange a look with Drew, who turns fully around to hide his smile. Not sure Dax was helping much before I got here, then. Not his fault. He’s good enough at cooking, but baking is an entirely different skill.
“What’s going on with you?” Dax asks. “I thought you and Em were going on a date?”
“We are. I mean, we did. Monday.”
“How was it?”
I can’t help the smile that unfurls over my face. “Amazing. Incredible, I mean, we get on great, and I think he can feel it too, even if he doesn’t know anything about it, about us—”
“But?”
I sigh. “How’d you know there was a but?”
“You look like you haven’t slept. You look a bit like I did when Vince left.”
I shake my head, fear flooding my mouth with saliva. Not a chance of that. Em would let me know before he went anywhere, I think. Now, Jamie—
Jamie isn’t mine. I’m not his.
“Em’s my mate,” I say.
We’re all silent for a moment. All I hear is the movement of Drew’s whisk.
“You’re sure?” Dax asks.
I jerk my head up, not quite sure when I started staring down at the carpet, or why. “Yes, I’m sure! Weren’t you sure after you first met Vince?”
“After the first night, yeah,” Dax says, not rising to my temper. “That’s not why I’m asking.”
“Why are you asking, then?”
“Because you’ve come here to tell me you’ve found your mate and had a great first date with him, but you don’t seem happy about it.”
“I am!”
“What’s making you sad, then?” Dax narrows his eyes. “You didn’t come here to lie to me.”
“No, I didn’t.”
“What is it, then?”
“I can’t stop thinking about Jamie.”
Dax falls silent again. Drew opens and closes the oven door, presumably putting the cake inside, and then gets to washing up.
The back of my neck burns. I don’t think he’s watching us, and he’s putting on an admirable show of not listening, but he’s a wolf, and even if he weren’t, we’re in one small room. He can hear every word.
“What are you thinking about, with him?” Dax asks. “Is it because he and Em are attracted to each other?”
I’ve spent the last couple of days wondering about that. But it’s like at the pub, when Jamie and I both caught each other checking Em out. I don’t mind that they like each other.
I think I might like it.
“No, it’s not that. I don’t know what it is. I just need to get it together and I thought you might be able to tell me how.”
“Spend more time with Em,” Dax says with a shrug. “You and Jamie have spent a fair bit of time together over the past few months. Maybe you just need to get him out of your system.”
Get him out of my system. Not see him anymore. Not think about him. Not—
Drew clears his throat. When I look up, he’s standing on the other side of the kitchen counter, Marigold-covered hands pressing against the countertop. “Sorry,” he says, blushing a little when we both look at him. “Obviously, I can hear you.”
“Obviously,” I drawl.
“Have you considered…” He trails off, sinking his teeth into his bottom lip. Whatever it is, he doesn’t want to say it.
“Considered what?” Dax asks.
“Two mates. That you have two mates?”
I almost leap to my feet in surprise and a shock of anger that is unexpected, even to me. “Two? Two mates? Impossible!”
“Is it?” Drew’s tone is still light, but now there’s an edge of steel to it. If Dax has been affected by his mating with Vince, then that’s nothing on Drew—he’s a big, soft wolf, but Sam is a dangerous mage, and some of that has rubbed off on Drew, too.
Not to mention Adam. The vampire might seem easy-going, but I’ve seen him at Vince’s classes. He’s not all he first appears, either.
“For me, yes. Sure.” Drew’s expression doesn’t change and Dax glares at me from the other side of the sofa. I get it. Drew is a sweetheart; they all want to protect him.
He’s also helping Dax out with his mate right now, which does one-up me on the best friends scale.
“It’s not—I don’t—” I don’t know why I’m so opposed to the idea.
Except, I never felt the exact same thing from Jamie as I have from Em, did I?
Occasionally, I felt something, but nothing lasting, nothing so deep, and it’s just because he’s the one Em moved in with.
He’s my connection to my mate, but he’s not him.
It has to be that. It has to be.
“Why not?” Drew asks.
“I don’t have two mates. I can’t. I didn’t feel the same with Jamie. I mean, I like him. He’s hot and funny and if he were—” My throat tightens, but I push on, not sure why I feel the need to be so honest. “If he were my mate, I’d be happy with that. But he isn’t. He isn’t.”
I don’t know how I expect Drew to react. He stares at me for a second or two longer, then shrugs, pushing off from the counter. “Okay.”
“Okay?”
“Your wolf knows,” he says. “Mine didn’t. Couldn’t. Got both my mates anyway.”
I stare at his back as he returns to washing up. Dax sighs and reaches over to pat me on the knee. “Maybe you need to talk to Jamie yourself,” he says. “You’ve been wound up ever since he spoke to you the other night.”
When he propositioned me. When I said no, which was a stupid fucking thing to do.
“Yeah,” I say faintly. Two mates? I’ve seen Drew with Adam and Sam. I know they all love each other and that it works and that they’re mates.
It’s not for me. It’s not done, outside of the three of them. And who’s to say—Sam’s a mage. They’re rare. Who’s to say that’s not the reason why?
Me and two humans? I fight the urge to scoff.
I sensed it on Em as soon as I laid eyes on him. If we were meant to be with Jamie too, surely, I’d have felt the same then?
“Stay for a bit,” Dax says. “Feel like I never get to spend time with you nowadays.”
Drew starts wiping down the countertops. His gaze doesn’t stray to us, and I know I need to apologise, to talk to him properly.
“Yeah, okay. I’ll stay until Vince gets back.”