Chapter Thirty-Four
Jamie
I suppose I understand why Em would want to leave, but if he doesn’t have to, then would he?
“Yeah. I thought—I didn’t think I’d stay here past the year, anyway. Well, not at first, but now—”
“He’ll be okay,” I say, aware that I suddenly sound a little desperate. I can’t help it. The front door closes, meaning it’s just me and Nick and Em here. All the confidence and anger I had earlier are gone. I need someone to tell me it will be okay.
I need someone to tell me it will be okay that Patch has realised he has two mates—because he does, doesn’t he?
We’re both his—and isn’t willing to fight for us.
He hasn’t told Em that, and I don’t think Em knows what being his mate means, so he’s going to leave here and move on and I’m sure Vince said something, once, about wolves who’ve met their mates never falling in love again, and did I do that to Patch to begin with?
Has he been doomed since the moment he met me?
“Jamie! Jamie, fuck—” Em’s hands are on my face and Nick is standing nearby, but then he falls to his knees next to me. “Breathe, okay? I think you’re—I think he’s having a panic attack.”
“Yeah, it’s…” Nick reaches out and puts his hand on my arm. The touch is firm but not too tight, and the familiarity of the move grounds me, just a little. Em lets go and I whimper; he takes my face in his hands again. “Tell me what you hear, Jamie.”
“I—My—” My blood is rushing in my ears. I’m breathing too fast. A car is coming down the street. “A car.”
“Good. What else?”
“Tap. In the kitchen. Dripping.”
“What can you see? Three things, remember?”
“Em.” I’m looking into his face. He looks panicked himself. I drag my gaze to one side. “Curtains. The chair.”
“Okay. Feel?”
“You. Em.” My breathing is slower, but my heart is still racing, sweat rolling down my spine. Em strokes his thumb over my cheekbone and I want to cry. “I don’t—I don’t know what just happened.”
“It’s okay,” Nick says. He squeezes my arm but doesn’t let go. “You’ve all been through a lot today.”
Em nods like he agrees, but he doesn’t say anything. I squeeze my eyes shut. I should have taken Nick seriously when he said Em was sneaking out at night. If I’d followed him, I might have prevented this.
Now, I can’t do a damn thing about it but let them both be ripped away from me. How is that fair?
“No one’s going anywhere tonight,” Nick says, as though he can read my very thoughts. “Or this morning, at least. I already emailed work. Do you want me to use your phone to email your boss, too?”
I nod. “Y-yeah. Please.”
“Okay. Em, what do you need?”
“I don’t—” Em slowly lets go of my face and I don’t make a sound this time, but I do lean towards him. “I need to call Cate. She’s going to be so worried.”
“And you’ll get some sleep after that?”
Em’s lips quirk. “I’ll try.”
“Good.” Nick squeezes my arm again, then gets to his feet. “Right. I’ll make us all hot drinks. Get yourselves in bed or whatever. If you shut your door, I’ll leave the drink outside.”
He heads off into the kitchen and when Em stands, I do, too.
“I’m going to…” He gestures in the direction of the stairs, then trails off.
“Yeah. I—” My face flames, but I can’t accuse Patch of being a coward and then be one myself. I know what I need. “Can I come and stay with you when you’re done?”
Em jerks back and frowns. I don’t realise, at first, how he might take what I’ve asked for. When I do, my stomach sinks.
“I’ve said I’ll stay in the house,” he says, voice clipped and curt. “I’ll do that.”
“No, that’s not—”
He leaves the room before I can explain, and I stand there, toes digging into the carpet, arms wrapped around my middle. Maybe Patch is wrong. Maybe I am, too.
I don’t get how I could be fated to be with two men who don’t appear to understand me at all.
I go to bed in the end. With a hot chocolate, courtesy of Nick, because he knows the sugar will help me come down after an attack like that, even as brief as it was.
Em’s murmuring quietly in the next room, and I fall asleep half-listening, not able to make out any words, but content in the knowledge that he’s still there.
My dreams are… weird. More nightmares than dreams, really, and Patch is there and Em is there and once I wake up, I don’t remember anything beyond the fact that I couldn’t reach them, could see them but could never be close to them again.
I wake with a groan and roll onto my stomach. Em is still here, I think. I can hear movement in his room. Movement downstairs, too, which means Nick is probably making food because he might still be vaguely unhappy about all the magic stuff, but he’s going to try to take care of us.
Ugh. I have to go to work tomorrow. I have to concentrate on wrapping up my job and preparing for my new one, but I don’t feel like doing any of that at all. What if I just don’t get out of bed? Like, ever again. Nick will get fed up with feeding me eventually, I guess.
I reach for my phone. Unsurprisingly, I’ve got a bunch of texts because it’s also one in the afternoon, which means…
I sit up straight. It means everyone has had a chance to see Em’s video. My stomach churns. Sure enough, I’ve got a few confused messages from Cecile, and some from Drew and Dax and Vince, checking I’m okay.
I’m half tempted to call Dax. He has to have checked in with Patch too, right? What if they made Patch leave already? Kieran was right, like I knew I was—there’s only so much they can do to Em. But Patch? He’s one of them. He follows their rules, not ours.
Someone knocks on the door, and I almost drop my phone. Has to be Nick. I’m surprised I didn’t hear him come upstairs.
“Jamie?” It’s Em. My heart skips a beat. “Can I come in?”
I reach over and grab a T-shirt off the floor, then pull it on. “Y-yeah, okay.”
Em cautiously opens the door and peeks in. He doesn’t look like he’s slept a wink. He twitches his lips in an attempt at a smile, then slips inside, closing the door quietly behind him. “Hey. I heard you—I wasn’t sure when you’d wake up.”
“You’re not leaving today, are you?”
“I—No. Not today, no. Kieran hasn’t been in touch yet, but I spoke to Cate and when he gives the green light, she’s going to come here to help me pack and—”
“Em.”
Em’s face falls. He comes over and perches on the edge of the bed, curling his hands around the mattress. “I can’t stay here. Not after everything I’ve done.”
“Why not?” I sit up and reach for him, and when he doesn’t move away, I grab one of his hands. “You think they all haven’t done worse stuff than this?”
“I should have known better.”
I don’t think Em is listening to me at all. And I fancy I can feel some pull to him, to Patch, but then that might just be in my imagination.
“No, I did. I was so blinded by that fucking video, by the fact that I might finally find what I was looking for, that I ignored every red flag and came running down here.”
“You were looking for magic.”
“Yes.”
“You found it.”
“I didn’t want to do it like this.” His voice gets thick again and he takes his glasses off, swiping at his eyes. “Sorry. This is not why I came in here. I just wanted—You shouldn’t have had to go through that last night. I panicked. I wanted you there, and I just… I should have let you stay here.”
“Did Patch tell you anything?” I ask. “Before they got there?”
Em shakes his head. “They were pretty quick. I stopped the stream and he grabbed his phone… I think, for a second there, he wasn’t going to call them, but then he did. Axel. He called Axel.”
Axel. It’s not fair of me to dislike him, not when I don’t know him, but I don’t think he handled last night well at all. I’d give him more grace, but isn’t that literally his job?
“They didn’t hurt you or anything, did they? Scare you?”
“No. Just…” Em looks at me again. “It’s really real? All of it?”
“Yeah.”
“You knew?”
“Yeah, but I couldn’t—”
“No, I know, that’s not—”
We both stop talking and exchange sad smiles. “It’s not as exciting as you think,” I say finally. “They just seem human, for the most part. Except Lucien and Adam, I guess.”
“He’s… What is he?”
“Lucien?”
Em nods.
“Vampire.”
“Oh. Wow. I didn’t even really think of that.”
“There’s more out there, I think,” I say. “I don’t ask. Nick doesn’t really like to know, and I don’t need to, so if it comes up, it’s always in passing.”
“So when you go for dinner on a Sunday…?”
“Yeah. It’s the lot of them.”
“Guess that’s why I wasn’t invited, then?”
I shrug helplessly. Em sighs and squeezes my hand.
“I messed this up too,” he says. “I couldn’t… I was trying to wrap my head around what was going on with you and Patch because I wanted the three of us together, but… It’s something to do with this, isn’t it?”
“Yeah.”
“Can you tell me? It didn’t—You like him, don’t you? He didn’t hurt you or anything?”
“No,” I say, but without the enthusiasm I’d prefer. “He just… He was looking for something else.”
He was looking for you. For us. But what’s the point of telling Em that? It will only hurt him. He’s resigned to leaving. Patch might have to go anyway.
And am I truly ready to leave everything for them? I know I thought I was ready to leave when I applied for my new job, but the last few weeks have shown me just how much community I have here.
That’s what Patch has chosen, I suppose. Can I really be angry at him for it?
“I’m sorry,” Em says. “I feel like I came between the two of you, too. I should have never come here at all.”
I clutch his hand. I don’t want him to believe that. He can regret it on his own behalf, fine, but I don’t want him to regret things for me.
“I don’t want you to leave,” I say, and when Em opens his mouth to protest, I shake my head. “I know you’re going to make whatever decision you need to. But I want you to stay. I’m glad you came. I’m glad I got to know you.”
Em blinks rapidly again, nodding. “I… Yeah, okay, I—” He leans over and wraps his arms around my shoulders, pulling me into a hug.
I throw my arms around his middle. When I press my face into his shoulder, I breathe in the scent of him, painfully aware that this might be one of the last times I get to do this.
I don’t want him to go. I don’t want Patch to have to go.
But I’ve no idea how I’m supposed to keep us all together.