Chapter 7 #2
“I was... ready,” I said, unable to explain it any better than that.
It was the truth. I woke up and just knew it was time.
Was seeing Finn again in Sicily, yearning for him as I always had, and knowing I would never be happy if he wasn’t mine, part of it?
Yes. Was Elle telling me that if I had any chance of getting him back, it couldn’t be like last time, another reason?
Yes. I wouldn’t hide him in the dark again. But I mostly did it for myself.
Whether I got Finn back or not, I had reached a point in my life where fear no longer crippled me.
I didn’t wake up terrified every day as I used to.
I’d worked my ass off, forced my men to see me as the savvy businessman, loyal leader, and ruthless boss, and there was nothing more I could do to earn their acceptance except tell the truth.
I’d built relationships with them and earned their respect and loyalty.
And it was time to show them another side of me, one that didn’t make me weaker but stronger.
Because now I could be whole. If it got me killed, so be it.
But times had changed. Men like my papi weren’t the majority anymore. I had to believe that.
“When did you tell Alessio?” She frowned. Of course, it was surprising and confusing that he knew before her, especially since Alessio and I had never got along. He hated me for everything that had happened ten years ago. I couldn’t blame him for that. I’d hate me too.
I dropped back into my chair, and she perched on my desk. “Ten years ago. Elenora knows too. Finn told them to try to stop me from marrying her.”
“Finn?” Her frown deepened. “Finn Rossetti? How did he…” She paused at the look in my eyes. “Oh.”
I smirked, rubbing my hand along my jaw. “Yeah. Finn and I… we were… something back then.”
“Something?” She raised one eyebrow, resting her manicured nails on the desk.
“In love,” I said, swallowing the lump in my throat before meeting her gaze. “We were in love. And I fucked it up. I broke both our hearts because I was too scared to fight for us, Cami.”
She reached for my hand and squeezed it.
“You were young, Enzo. A boy with the world on his shoulders, trying to find his feet. And Father…” She drew in an angry breath.
“He made us believe that who we were was never good enough. That kind of abuse is hard to shake. Trust me, I still struggle with it now, even though Max does everything in his power to heal every wound in my soul with his love. But you must learn to love yourself, who you are, before you can accept love from others.”
I’d never thought of it like that. The reason I pushed Finn’s love away and refused to live in it was that I didn’t love myself.
I didn’t know how to love him the way he deserved, because I saw myself as unworthy.
I thought I was a disease. I believed I’d destroy him.
If he were associated with me or people found out about us, it wouldn’t have just been my life hanging in the balance, but his as well.
And I loved him too much for him to die for loving me.
Resting my forearms on the desk, I dropped my head into my arms. “I never got over him. I still love him, Cami. He’s the love of my life, but I think it’s too late. I’m too late.”
She ran her fingers through my blonde hair. “It might be. But you won’t know unless you try. Perhaps it isn’t too late. Maybe he was the perfect person, but at the wrong time. Now might be the right time.”
I lifted my head. “When did you become so wise and optimistic?”
“The day I married Maximus Buccini,” she said. “And realised the world isn’t as dark as I thought.” I smiled as she scooted off my desk, then glanced down at it with a look of disgust. “Time to burn the desk, Enzo.”
Yeah. It most definitely was.
The moment my plane touched down in Sicily, the buzz beneath my skin hummed with the knowledge that I was in the same city as Finn again.
The closer I got to him, the more alive I felt.
It had always been like that. I used to believe distance would help me move on from him.
That the ache beneath my ribs would fade when I thought of his eyes.
That I could kill the desire by keeping myself busy and focused.
That I could banish thoughts of his phantom touch across the places he used to worship, his voice echoing through my soul.
I thought I could lock them away in a steel box in my mind.
But it didn’t work. It just made me feel…
dead. I forgot how to laugh. I forgot how to smile and mean it.
I lost the ability to feel anything except his absence. He was everywhere, yet nowhere.
At one point, I was becoming too angry, too ruthless, too much like Francesco.
Three years ago, when I was about to shoot Corrado for disagreeing with me over something so trivial I couldn’t even remember what it was, it finally hit me.
I was lost. Without Finn, I was lost. From that day on, I made him my compass.
I thought only of him in everything I did and every decision I made.
Would this take me one step closer to him again?
Until there I was, sitting in a car outside the gates of his home, ready to fight to have it all back. To have him back.
I knew it wouldn’t be easy. I didn’t deserve for it to be easy.
But I hadn’t anticipated just how hard it would be either.
Being in the same room as him again, hearing his voice, looking into his eyes, and feeling his distance.
Just as the pink and silver balloon-decorated gates were keeping me from the party that was clearly taking place, he had shut me out of his life and his heart.
The security had alerted him to my unexpected arrival, and as I watched him march down the lawn with a thunderous expression, I realised I had messed up. Again. I should have called ahead.
I opened the car door and walked towards the closed gate, peering through the iron bars and watching how his muscles moved beneath his casual jeans and T-shirt.
I tried to hide the smile on my lips when I saw the My Little Pony character on the front of his shirt and the pink and purple glitter covering his cheeks.
The ache beneath my ribs intensified because it was clear he loved his daughter more than anything in the world.
I always knew he would make an amazing father.
“What are you doing here? We aren’t meeting until tomorrow.” He couldn’t hide the irritation in his voice, and it felt like another blow. He didn’t want me there, and he wasn’t trying to hide it. But what did I fucking expect?
“Sorry.” I ran my hand through my hair as he folded his beefy arms across his chest, hiding the rainbow pony. “I should have called. I came a day early because I was hoping we could talk.”
I sounded pathetic. His dark brown eyes narrowed to slits, his jaw tight. “Now is not a good time.”
“No. Right. I didn’t realise. If I’d known it was Nerina’s birthday, I’d have brought her a present.” Anger flashed in his eyes, and I knew I’d said the wrong thing. “Not that I expected an invitation. I just mean I would’ve liked to get her a present.”
Stop talking, Enzo.
“You wanted an invitation to a four-year-old’s My Little Pony party?” A ghost of a smile tugged at his lips, and I relaxed a little. He was teasing me.
“I would’ve loved one.” Honestly, it would have made my year. “Rainbow Dash is the best.”
He cocked his head slightly, sizing me up, trying to decide whether I was joking.
“I’ll go. It wasn’t important. Not compared to this.
Sorry, I’ll leave you to it,” I said, walking backwards towards my car while holding his gaze, hoping, praying, that by some miracle he might invite me in.
He didn’t. “Wish Nerina a happy birthday from me.” Why would he do that?
The little girl had only met me once, and although she now had a piece of my heart, her painting framed on my new desk at home, she had probably already forgotten my name. “Or don’t.”
I opened the car door, cursing myself for being such a stronzo, when his voice cut through the air.
“The party will be over by six. Then I’ll be putting Nerina to bed, but we can talk after.”
My heart soared, and a ridiculous giddiness shot through my body. It was something. A tiny piece of hope.
“I’d like that. Grazie.”
“Come back at eight,” he said, turning his back on me and striding up the driveway, where girly screams and laughter came from the garden.
I watched him go, trying not to get too caught up in the possibilities ahead.
My gaze dropped to his firm ass as he walked away, and I gulped.
He’d always had the best ass. Memories of biting it, burying my face and my cock in it, sparked desire.
God, I’d do anything, give up everything, just to have him beneath me one more time.
But for now, I climbed back into my car and smiled. I had a few hours to find the cutest princess the best present ever.