Chapter 8 #2
I huffed, shaking my head at him as I bit back my fury. “She loved it. She will never forget this birthday. I’ve never seen her so happy.”
He smiled, and I nearly died on the spot.
That was the smile he reserved only for me.
One side of his lip curved higher than the other, revealing a flash of his perfect white teeth and a single dimple.
His ocean eyes sparkled. I hadn’t seen that smile in ten fucking years, and it sucker-punched me right in the gut.
I turned my back on him and walked to the fridge, pulling out another beer to give me something to do. I couldn’t stand still, or he’d see how much I was shaking.
“I’m sorry if it was too much. I found a local woman who made wonderlands for events, and once I started picking things, I couldn’t stop. I’m glad she loved it, though.”
“It was too much. But yeah,” I exhaled, walking back towards him and sliding the beer across the counter. He caught it in his grip and twisted the cap off. “She was so hyper that she went to bed two hours later than she should have.”
His smile dropped. “Merda. I’m sorry. I didn’t think.”
“It’s fine,” I cut in. “It’s her birthday.”
He rubbed the back of his head and took a swig from the bottle, peering at the canvas photograph on the wall of Neri and me. “She’s adorable. She has your eyes.”
I nodded, staring at the beer label and picking at it with my thumb. He still hadn’t explained what the hell he was doing here, but my immediate rage had eased a little.
“Grazie. She’s the best decision I’ve ever made. And thanks for her present.”
“No problem. Is, er, her mother in the picture or…”
“I used a surrogate. My sperm. A random egg donor. My surrogate is a wonderful woman, but she isn’t her mother.”
He bobbed his head. “You always said you wanted kids, but I was surprised to hear you were doing it alone.”
“Yeah. Well.” The silence stretched, hanging between us like a tightrope that could throw us off at any moment into unknown waters. “Couldn’t wait forever.”
Why the hell did I say that? It made it sound as if I were waiting for him, which wasn’t true. Or maybe it was a little. But that dream died a long time ago.
“Finn.”
“What do—”
We both stopped when we talked over one another. I huffed, then nodded for him to continue. He pulled out the kitchen stool and took a seat. My gaze locked on his hands, on how tightly they were wrapped around his beer.
“I’m out. I came out.”
The words sliced through me like shards of glass, reopening old scars. I froze. How many times had I longed to hear him say those words to me when we were dating in secret? How many times since? But it was too late. I felt no joy at hearing them, because it wouldn’t change anything. Not now.
“I’m pleased for you.” I was. Knowing Enzo and what he’d been through, this was a huge moment. I couldn’t take that from him. But I also didn’t understand why he was standing in my kitchen telling me, as if it would right all the wrongs of the past.
“Grazie,” he replied, but I could tell from the deflated tone of his voice that he was hoping for more.
What, though? “I told Giovanni, Max, Cami and Teron a few days ago. They took it really well. They were supportive. I’ve told a few of my soldiers and just let the rumours spread.
I mean, not rumours. The truth. It’s been…
weird. But a good weird. A few soldiers walked away.
I expected that. I’m expecting a few more.
Once the news spreads a bit further, I might lose a new contract I’m about to sign with the Russians.
But it feels… good. Weird but good. Like a storm has finally cleared and everything is brighter. ”
He was rambling nervously. I swallowed, nodding, but kept my gaze cast down.
I couldn’t look at him. I was scared of what I might see.
The man I used to love. The man who, behind closed doors, through stolen glances and forbidden touches, used to shine like the sun in my eyes.
He was lighter with me. He always said that.
I was the only person he could be himself around.
But now the world would get to see what I had.
And it made me happy for him, but also a little sad.
It felt like I was losing him all over again, but in a different way.
That part of Enzo, the one only I knew, wouldn’t be mine anymore.
“I’m really happy for you,” I forced the words out.
Even though they were true, they were edged with the complexity of emotions brewing inside me.
I glanced up, and our eyes met. A storm of blue clashing with molten brown, a war between ocean and fire.
Our gazes held longer than was acceptable, teetering on the brink of danger.
My whole body flared with the hit of desire, longing for a man who could never give himself to me fully. I was never enough for him.
He straightened his spine, narrowing his eyes. “Are you?”
I scoffed, instant irritation roaring to the surface. “What the fuck do you expect me to say, Enzo?”
His expression darkened. That light retreated. “I don’t know. I just thought I should tell you before you heard it from someone else. I didn’t want you to hear it from anyone else.”
I took a long drink of beer, trying to understand his motives.
I couldn’t figure him out. I used to know this man better than I knew myself.
I knew him so well that I wasn’t even surprised when he told me he would never come out about his sexuality.
That we could be together, just in the shadows, where the world couldn’t see or judge.
I understood his reasons. I could see his thought process.
But it still fucking hurt. It was still rejection.
And this… him finally doing what I had hoped he would ten years ago… hurt even more.
“Finn, I’m sorry. For everything. I’m sorry it took this long for me to get here.”
“You don’t have to keep apologising,” I said curtly.
“I’m over it. We’ve both been on our own journeys, and we are where we are.
I’ve got Nerina, and I’m fine. And you’ve found the courage to show the world who you really are.
I’m proud of you for that. I know it wouldn’t have been easy.
You’re now free to live your life the way you always deserved to, Enzo.
” I lifted my arm and pointed my bottle towards the exit of my home. “So go. Live it.”
He stared at me, a muscle pulsing in his jaw. My gaze fixed on it, hating how the air suddenly felt hotter, tighter, as if he were a magnet drawing me in. He didn’t move.
“Is that what you want me to do?” he husked, his voice raw and so deep it unhinged something inside me.
Memories. It was the way he used to talk to me when he’d tell me to beg him for his tongue, his cock or his cum.
His eyes flashed with heat because he knew it too.
He knew exactly what he was doing. “You want me to go and fuck other men, Finn?”
I lifted my chin, refusing to burn under his gaze and words, even though my insides were on fire. I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction.
“You can do whatever you want, Enzo.”
He suddenly stood up, moving around the island towards me like a majestic wildcat prowling its prey.
I refused to back down, twisting my body to face him until he was right in front of me, so close I could feel his next breath dance across the skin of my cheek.
His gaze travelled over my face, drinking in every feature until it found my eyes again.
I tried to keep my breathing even, my desire bound.
But it was fucking hard when he looked at me like that. As if I still belonged to him.
“Except I can’t. I don’t want to. Because the only man I want in my bed, in my arms, and in my life is you, Finn Rossetti.”
I slammed my hand against his chest, fisting his shirt to push him away, but the moment I felt his solid pec flex under my fist, I couldn’t. I gripped harder.
“Am I supposed to believe that? Now that you’re out, you can have anyone you want.”
He licked his lips, his gaze dropping to my mouth. “But I only want you. I’ve never wanted anyone else.”
I laughed in disbelief, shoving him away, but he snapped back like a yo-yo, pressing his hips into mine and caging me against the kitchen island. The feel of his hard cock against my hip bone sent a deep rumble of need through me, and I grabbed the edge of the counter, groaning.
“Fuck off, Aiani.” My voice came out as a breathless moan, and I hated myself for it. Where was the anger, conviction, and determination from five minutes ago?
He brushed his lips against mine, sending sparks everywhere. “Make me.”
I shoved him hard, and before I knew it, we were scrapping, half-fighting, half-groping at each other’s bodies, both of us trying to dominate.
Suddenly, he spun me around, my face slammed against the cold surface of the island and my body bent at the waist like a pretzel under his strength.
He had my arms twisted across my back. Fuck, he was so much stronger than he used to be.
It took me by surprise, and the feel of his chest heaving against my back, his breath at the shell of my ear, and his cock pressed against my ass had me panting and shaking with need.
“I remember everything you taught me, Finn,” he groaned into my ear, thrusting his hips against my ass. I moaned, closing my eyes because, fuck, he felt amazing. “Except now… I’m bigger and stronger than you.”
“You fucking wish,” I growled, aware that if I hadn’t been so startled by the difference in his body, I would have used different moves. “I could still knock you out with one punch.”
“Probably.” His lips curved against my ear. “But you like this, don’t you? Me dominating you.”
Fuck, I did. I really did. I was a switch, but I mainly topped him during our relationship until I trusted him enough to fuck me. But this Enzo… he knew what he wanted, and it was so hot.
“What do you want, Finn? Shall I get on my knees for you? Suck your cock and eat your ass until you’re so relaxed I can fuck you like a rag doll over this kitchen counter?”
My mind swam in a hazy fog of lust. I closed my eyes, my cock throbbing against the restriction of my jeans.
Could I do it? Could I let him fuck me and have that be it?
One night of hot sex with an ex before he goes out into the world of men who will all be vying for his attention?
Could it be just sex without breaking me?
Enzo released me and stepped back, leaving me panting on the counter as I tried to unscramble my thoughts.
What did I want? I wanted him. But I hated him for it.
I didn’t want to be weak. I didn’t want him to think this was me giving in to him.
This was me… so fucking turned on and needing a fix.
It had been too long—months since I’d been with a man.
And no man had ever compared to him. The sex with him…
it was nuclear. Devastating. Destructive.
But in the best way. It always had been. Would it still be?
Slowly, I straightened my body and turned around. He was staring at me, those blue eyes pinning me in place, full of longing. There was no challenge there, only desperation. And that made it even hotter. I could see how much he wanted me. How much he wanted this.
“What do you want, Finn? Tell me what you want, and I’ll do it.”
“Get on your knees.”
He dropped to his knees on the hard floor without missing a beat. A flare of desire surged straight to my cock, strangling it painfully against my jeans. He looked up, his chest heaving, but all his attention was locked on me, waiting in anticipation.
I reached for the top button of my jeans, popping it open, but not going any further. “Is this what you came here for? My cock?”
“I came here for you. I want you.”
“I’m not an option.” His eyes flared with pain, and he swallowed. “But if you want my cock, you’ll need to beg for it.”
He exhaled a deep breath. “And then what? What happens after?”
“You’ll leave.”
The weight of the world seemed to settle on his shoulders as soon as those words left my lips. But what did he expect? That, just because he’d come out, we’d pick up where we’d left off and run away into the sunset together?
He lowered his chin to his chest and sighed. Then he got back to his feet, closed in on me, took my face in his hands, and pressed his forehead to mine. The gesture was so dominant yet tender that I struggled to breathe.
“Don’t think for one second this is me not wanting your cock, Finn.
I fucking want it. But I want you more. All of you,” he said, looking into my soul.
“I know I broke your heart and hurt you beyond measure. I hate myself for ruining us. I was a coward who knew I didn’t deserve your love.
I was right. I didn’t back then. But I’m trying.
I’ve been trying to become a man worthy of you.
You’re the only man I’ve ever loved and the only man I’ve ever fucked.
Everything I know and everything I want is wrapped up in you.
It always has been. It’s only you, Finn.
And I’ll wait until you believe it too.”
He released me and stepped back. My mouth opened and closed, choked by speechlessness, and then he was gone. The front door closed softly behind him.
I stared at the kitchen cupboards, trying to form a coherent thought.
But his words and actions kept swirling in my head.
You’re the only man I’ve ever loved and the only man I’ve ever fucked.
Had he not been with a man since me? It’s only you, Finn.
I want your cock, but I want you more. All of you.
What was that? Some kind of power play? Dangling his sexual influence over me, then taking it away until I begged him? Or had he really changed?
The old Enzo would have sucked my cock tonight. He wouldn’t have thought about the consequences or what it meant until afterwards. But tonight, he fell to his knees, ready to give himself to me, only to walk away when I offered him no-strings sex.
He was different. And this version of him, this self-assured man who knew what he wanted and wasn’t afraid to go after it, hit me like a new drug.
The kind that slips into your veins before you realise it’s there, ready to mess you up.
All you can do is pray you make it out the other side in one piece.
Enzo had always been my drug. But I’d managed to break free from the addiction.
I’d gone cold turkey for so long, but the temptation was greater than ever.
I’d been starved of him. And he’d been growing stronger, more potent, more dangerous.
More addictive. If I relapsed, if I caved and had just one little taste, I’d be finished.
I wouldn’t make it out alive. Not this time.