Chapter 25 #2
“You don’t owe me anything. Your life is your own, Finn, and I’m sorry it’s never felt that way.
I took you from a shitty environment into another fucked-up world.
You were sixteen when you joined the Barbieri ranks, and that wasn’t much of a choice.
It was a better one, sure, but it was never meant for you.
You stayed because you had to. You went undercover as a Buccini soldier because I asked you to.
You became my consigliere because I needed you.
Your loyalty to me has always dictated your choices.
But that ends now, Finn. Do you hear me? ”
I didn’t understand what he was saying or why he was saying it. So I stayed quiet.
“It’s time you thought about what you really want from your life.
Is it this?” he asked, gesturing to us, battered, sitting on the plane floor.
“Beaten to shit, and having to come to terms with another loss, because no matter what we do, our world is never safe. You want to spend the rest of your life just trying to survive it without the man you love?”
“What other choice is there?”
“I’m asking you what you want, Finn. Has anyone ever actually asked you that? Have you ever asked yourself that? If you could live any life you wanted, what would it look like?”
Flashes of Enzo, Neri, and me on the beach sprang to mind, somewhere safe and slow-paced, away from the violence. I shook my head.
“You can have it,” he said softly. “You’ve earned it.”
“What are you talking about? This. This is my life. Any other reality is impossible.”
“Who the fuck are you talking to?” He smirked, his blue eyes dancing with mischief as I narrowed mine. “I’m Alessio Barbieri. I make the fucking impossible possible, don’t I?”
I scoffed. “Such an arrogant twat.”
“Always will be. Don’t change the subject. Be honest with yourself and with me, Finn. What do you want?”
I swallowed, staring down at my hands as I fought back the heaviness.
“Enzo. But not like this. I want… to build a life with him. A normal life, with normal jobs, doing boring normal shit. I want Neri to go to school and have friends. To grow up with all the normal worries of childhood, not whether her bodyguard might one day kidnap her for a paycheck. I want to have more children. A boy with Enzo’s eyes.
Or another princess for Neri to play with.
I want to live somewhere quiet and peaceful, where Neri can play outside freely and where your neighbours smile at you instead of shaking with fucking fear.
” I laughed, and he chuckled, leaning his head back on the bed.
“A bit of normality. I think that would have made me really fucking happy.”
“I can see it,” he said, staring at the roof and smiling. “Finn the Fisherman.”
“Fisherman?” I chuckled. “I fucking hate the smell of fish.”
He laughed, then turned serious. “It sounds nice, doesn’t it? Normality? I’ve wondered what it might feel like.”
I twisted to look at him, frowning. “You have?”
“Of course. You always wonder about things you don’t have or will never experience. It’s human nature.”
“You want that too?”
“No,” he said, shaking his head. “I’m too far gone to be saved, Fratello.
This is me, and I love my life. I have the most beautiful wife and two perfect children.
I have the family I always longed for. I’m filthy fucking rich and the most powerful man in Italy.
Would I give that up for a bit of normality?
Fuck no. But Finn, you can have it. If that’s what you want, we’ll make it happen. ”
“I know you think you’re a magician, but how do you see that happening?”
He shrugged. “When the time's right, we’ll stage your death. Neri’s too. A tragic car crash or something. You disappear and start a new life far away. You find Enzo. Find your normality.”
I stared at the floor, trying to imagine it could ever be possible. It felt unattainable, but fuck, I wanted it. But there was one thing I could never envision.
“I could never leave you, Alessio.”
“Yes.” He shoved my shoulder. “You could. Because the only thing that would make my life complete is knowing you’re happy in yours. And if you stay out of loyalty to me, you’ll be miserable. I can’t have that. Stop putting me before you, Finn. You owe me nothing, but you owe yourself everything.”
I rubbed my hands over my face to hide my emotions. It was as if I’d opened a Pandora's box of feelings and couldn’t stop unleashing them. Too many years of neglect had been the cause. I’d neglected myself. My wants and needs. My heart.
“Fuck,” I groaned. “I love you, man. You’re a really good friend. How am I supposed to live without you in my life?”
“We will find a way. You’ll never be rid of me, Fratello.”
“I can’t believe I’m even considering this. Faking my death? It’s crazy.”
“But it’s an option. That’s all I wanted you to know, Finn. You have options. Your future is yours to choose. Think about it, okay?”
I nodded. For the first time in my life, I wondered whether everything I’d ever wanted wasn’t just an unreachable dream.