Chapter 15
The last day of spring semester—Albion College
Daniel had never broken up with someone. Peggy didn’t count; there hadn’t been an official breakup, just something quietly dying that—in hindsight—hadn’t ever been what he’d thought it was in the first place.
He couldn’t let that happen with Nora. He owed her the truth, delivered face to face, and he owed it to her to stand there and take whatever her response was.
Whether it was tears, or shouting, or the cruelest words imaginable or a slap across the face—did girls still do that, or did it only happen in movies? —he would deserve it.
But whatever happened, it would be better than letting this go on when there was no future. It would be better than breaking her heart even worse three months from now, or six, or a year.
Nora
Nora had never broken up with anyone. She had no idea how it was supposed to work, except that she owed it to Daniel to go over to his room and tell him in person.
She’d ignored him for weeks, but she couldn’t do that anymore.
She had to stand there and watch his heart shatter when she said the words.
She could have apologized and tried to fix things, if that was possible after how awful she’d been.
But even if he did forgive her, which she didn’t deserve anyway, she knew what would happen afterwards.
She’d just end up leading him on for a few tense months where every conversation was a minefield, until she said or did something so horrible that it would wreck him forever.
That’s what her parents had done to each other, and nearly two decades later they both still had ugly jagged wounds where their hearts used to be. She couldn’t do that to Daniel.
Daniel
He should go to her. He knew her roommate was already gone for the semester, so she’d be alone. The least he could do was allow this to happen on her turf.
He put on his sneakers, grabbed his keys and he was almost to the door when there was a knock.
Nora
The door opened, and there he was, keys in hand. Was he about to come over to see her? Did he somehow know what she was thinking?
Daniel
It was Nora. Wearing a faded T-shirt and a colorful skirt. Her favorite warm-weather outfit: cool, comfortable and, as she said, “not too ratty looking.”
What was she doing here? Had she somehow guessed what he was thinking, what he was going to do?
Nora
She stepped inside and closed the door behind her. Then, just to be safe, she locked it. It seemed like half the rooms on Daniel’s floor were empty, but no point in taking chances. He didn’t deserve to be publicly embarrassed.
He didn’t deserve this at all.
But she didn’t deserve him. She’d thought she did.
She’d thought she could be someone different, someone worthy of what she saw in his eyes.
But at the end of the day, she was still the old Nora she’d hoped she’d left behind.
She was still her father’s daughter, and breaking hearts was just what Langleys did.
Daniel
“Nora,” he started. He had to find the words. He wasn’t the man his father, and Dr. Maddox, had told him he needed to be, the kind of man who could step up for the woman he loved. But he could at least be the man who looked her in the eye and told her the truth.
“Nora, I—we can’t… I love you. But it’s not enough. I’m not enough. I can’t be who you deserve. I wish—I wish I was different. Better.”
Nora
She heard the words, and they were all in English, and they all went together in a sentence. But Nora couldn’t make any sense of them. What was he talking about? Not enough? Her Daniel?
Was he—he couldn’t be, could he? Had he guessed what she was going to do, and decided that he would say it first so she didn’t have to? Make himself the bad guy to spare her feelings? He would do that, wouldn’t he?
“Daniel, what are you saying?”
She couldn’t let him. He deserved better than to feel guilty on top of everything else he’d feel once she said what she had to say and she closed the door behind her for good.
“Never mind. You’re just being you. Being noble.
Trying to take care of me. But you can’t.
I’m a mess, Daniel, and I can’t let this go any farther.
You deserve a girl who’s not a complete walking disaster.
Somebody who… who isn’t me. We have to—I have to end it.
I love you too, Daniel, but love isn’t always enough. ”
Daniel
She was just trying to shift the blame to herself.
She’d been so careful of his feelings, of his heart, from that first night.
Any other girl probably would have dumped him the next day, after he hadn’t known what he was doing with her right here on this bed.
And she’d have told everyone on campus about it, too.
Not Nora. She’d been patient with him and she’d come to meet his parents when she had to be so uncomfortable about it, even if she’d never said so. And she was protecting him now, making herself the villain so he could feel better about himself for wanting to break up with her.
Maybe he didn’t have to go through with this.
Maybe he could do something so big, so grand that she’d have to believe it, and that he’d have to live up to.
He could ask her to marry him, right now.
He’d have a week at home before he went to Pittsburgh—plenty of time to go to Bassini’s Fine Jewelry on Arthur Avenue and find the perfect ring and put it on layaway.
But even thinking that only proved that his father had been right, the morning after Christmas. It was childish thinking, that some fancy gesture could fix real problems. Or that he could magically become more mature, more capable, more deserving of a woman like her.
No. He’d been right all along.
He reached over and took her hands. Probably for the last time.
“Nora, neither one of us is the bad guy. We’re just—too young, too whatever.
We should have met two years from now, and maybe it would be the right time.
Maybe we could have made it work then. I love you with all my heart. And I know you love me. But…”
Nora
“But our hearts aren’t grown up enough yet, are they?”
He was right. Obviously he was right, if they’d both come to the same conclusion at the same exact time.
“I wish… I don’t even know,” he said, still holding her hands. Squeezing them. “I hate this. But I’d hate it more if we ended up hating each other. And I know you would too.”
She pulled him close, hugged him to her, felt his arms around her, felt his heartbeat through his shirt.
“Daniel, I—if this is it? If we’re really doing this, if we’re never going to be together again, if we’ll spend the next two years avoiding each other so we don’t have to feel weird, then… then I want one last memory. One good memory.”
One perfect memory nobody could ever take away.
Daniel
He knew what Nora meant. “You want to…” He gestured his head towards the bed, and she nodded.
“I want to make love. One last time. I want that to be the last thing we ever do together.”
He did, too.
She was right. One final perfect moment, to hang onto while he tried to put his heart back together again, however long that would take. If it was even possible at all.
“I want that too, Nora.”
Nora
They went together to the bed, not letting go of each other for a moment.
It happened slowly, carefully. She took the lead, just like that first night.
But he was so much more attuned to her than he’d been then.
That night, and the first few times afterwards, he’d been reacting to her.
But now he knew her body, her responses, well enough to anticipate, to do exactly what she wanted—needed—before she even realized she needed it. She did the same for—to—him.
And the whole time, his eyes never left hers. Neither of them looked away, or lost focus for a second.
Daniel
Afterwards, they lay there together, still holding each other, still gazing into each other’s eyes.
He was trying to commit all of her to memory, every detail of her face, every inch of her body, every goosebump she raised on his flesh with her touch.
And the whole time—during the act, and for an hour afterwards—neither of them said a word.
And then she slowly, gently kissed him one last time, and she stood up and got dressed. She went to the door, and unlocked it, and, not looking back, she stepped through it and closed it behind her.
She closed it gently, but in his ears that tiny sound echoed like a sledgehammer, and it stayed with him the rest of the night.