Chapter 40 #2
“I wish I could have. If I’d never met Nora, and we met like we did back in January, I probably would have asked you to marry me by now. If she hadn’t been on this cruise, I don’t know—maybe a few more months would have been enough to get there anyway.”
She was silent for a long time after that.
“I should hate you. I wish I could.” Daniel almost wished she did, too. It would be easier, in a way, if she did. “But you’re—I’ve never met anyone like you. I don’t know anybody who would wear that necklace all these years like you did.”
“I had to. I never wanted to forget her. Or—or what she taught me. She’s the one who taught me I deserved to be loved.”
“But she left out the part about letting anybody else love you.” She was almost smiling.
Almost. “I can’t blame her. I would have left that out, too.
” The almost-smile disappeared. “I’m still—I don’t even know what I feel.
I don’t know—I think an hour from now, or at three in the morning, or God knows when—I’m going to want to punch you.
Or set your clothes on fire. Or buy you a rabbit so I can boil it on the stove.
” She sighed. “I don’t know. I can’t exactly throw you out of the cabin, even though I probably should. ”
At least he had an answer for that. “I can go to the solarium tonight. Sleep there the rest of the cruise. I probably should have been there all along, from the moment I saw Nora. Anyway, it’s quiet at night there.”
“No.” She shook her head. She looked as surprised as he did at her words. “But you can damn well sleep on the sofa.”
Nora , an hour later
Nora didn’t know how she made it through dinner. She was barely holding her emotions in; from minute to minute, she didn’t know if she wanted to scream, or cry or a hundred other things.
Greg could tell—it was impossible not to notice—but he didn’t try to guess what was going on. He just spent the whole meal quietly comforting her, reassuring her that everything was fine, that she’d feel better tomorrow.
All that did was make her feel worse.
Now they were back in the cabin, and he led her to the bed, sat down next to her. He took her hands in his. “Nora, I don’t know what’s the matter. But you can tell me anything, don’t you know that by now? If it’s something I did, you can say it. I want to make it right.”
She didn’t say anything. He was just sitting there, staring hard at her, his hands shaking.
“I think I know,” he said, finally. “You’ve been waiting for me. Because I haven’t said it yet. I don’t even know why not. But I thought you could tell anyway. Nora, I love…”
She heard herself shrieking, and felt her eyes burning and the tears streaming down her cheeks like a flood. She pulled her hands back from him so violently that he jumped away from her.
“No! You can’t! Because I don’t love you!
” She couldn’t hold the words in anymore.
“I love him ! Daniel! I always have, I never stopped, not for a minute, from the day we met! And I hate this! I hate—it’s not right, you don’t deserve this!
I thought I could get over him and love someone else like—like a normal person, like everybody else does, they get over their first love and they can be with other people, they can love other people… ”
Her voice failed. She could barely see through her tears, but Greg was on the sofa now. She couldn’t tell if he was angry or scared or horrified or, hell, maybe all of them at once.
“Nora, if this is—I don’t know, some kind of joke—I know I don’t always get your sense of humor…” His voice was shaky, barely controlled.
She took a deep breath, then another, trying to gather herself.
It didn’t really work, but she had to continue anyway, she owed him the whole truth.
She got up, went over to the little desk and fished into her purse.
“Here, see this?” She held up the pen. “He gave this to me. Right before he graduated, so I’d always know he was rooting for me.
So I’d never forget him. And I never did.
No matter how much I tried. Not even after you asked me out, and we started going together seriously. ”
He grunted. “You said Daniel. That’s who the woman at the beach said, too. Is that him? Is he on this ship right now?” He wasn’t looking at her; he was staring at the door now. As though he was ready to walk right out of the cabin and go looking for Daniel.
“Yes. He’s probably telling her about me right now. We didn’t know before the cruise. Neither of us had any idea we’d see each other. It was—I don’t know. A big, fat cosmic joke on us.”
His face was reddening, and his hands were balled up into fists. “It’s not funny, Nora.”
Whatever self-control she had failed again.
“You think I don’t know that? You think I’m enjoying this?
I tried so hard! I wanted this to work! I wanted to love you, I wish I could have!
This isn’t who I want to be, a liar and a cheater and every other horrible thing you want to call me right now.
” She closed her eyes, forced her voice down somehow.
“I’m not that. I’m not her. I haven’t been her in years , because of Daniel.
Because he taught me—he taught me how I deserve to be loved. ”
Greg didn’t answer right away, and when he finally did speak, there was nothing but bitterness there. “And he taught you that only he could love you that way.”
Nora shook her head. “No. That’s all me.
I guess—I think I never believed anybody but him could see me that way.
And that’s not fair to you. None of this is.
But—I swear to you, I never meant for any of this to happen.
I really thought it could be different. It’s been so long, it’s been years and I thought—I hoped it was time.
And it’s just… not. Because he’s still got my heart.
And I have his, and I don’t think that’s ever going to change. ”
He was silent for a while again. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to say now. I—I believe you. But that doesn’t make anything any better. I—I can’t keep talking about this now.”
Neither could she. “I know. I’ll go. I can stay in the solarium tonight, and tomorrow—we can figure out tomorrow, tomorrow.”
She got up again, grabbed her purse and her soft, faded T-shirt and her sweatpants, and she walked out the door without another word.
She pulled it closed behind her, and took the sign and the magnets off the door.
Greg didn’t need to see them the next time he left the cabin.
She’d hurt him more than enough already.
Daniel , November 13, five o’clock in the morning
Leanne was gently snoring; she’d finally fallen asleep around midnight. It had taken Daniel another hour to fall into a restless, uncomfortable sleep that had nothing to do with the sofa.
Moving as slowly and quietly as he could, he put his shoes on and tiptoed out the door, closing it gently behind him.
If he knew Nora at all, she would have told Greg the truth last night. She wouldn’t have been able to stop herself after meeting Leanne. And if he threw her out afterwards, or she felt too guilty to sleep on the sofa in her cabin, she would have headed to the same place he’d thought about.
The lights were dim in the corridors, and there were no other passengers in the elevator. It was eerily quiet as he made his way up to the solarium.
It was deserted when the automatic door slid open for him, except for one crew member mopping the floor over in the far corner, near the entrance to the spa.
And one other person—a woman—stretched out on a pool chair near the snack bar, under a bunch of towels serving as a makeshift blanket.
He walked up to her quietly, not wanting to startle her.
She was already awake, staring up at the pre-dawn sky through the glass ceiling.
“Daniel. I knew you’d come.”
He pulled a chair over, sat down next to her. “I’m sorry. I—I don’t know what else to say.”
He gently pulled the topmost towel off of her and wiped the tears from her face.
“You told Leanne?” He nodded. “And she didn’t throw you out?”
“I offered to go. Maybe I should have just walked out. But she told me to stay and sleep on the sofa.” She stared up at him, and he saw the question in her eyes. “It’s over between us. She just doesn’t hate me, that’s all.”
“I don’t think Greg’s there yet. I’m not sure he’s ever going to be.”
Daniel wasn’t sure he would be in Greg’s place. “I’m sorry.” It didn’t sound any better the second time he said it. “I keep trying to think of something that’ll make all of this better, and…”
“There’s nothing to say.” She was holding his hands in hers. When had that happened? “Just sit here with me. Hold me. Let me hold you.”
So he did.
Nora , November 14, ten o’clock at night
“Last night on board,” Daniel said quietly. “This is it.” They were in the solarium again, each of them on their own pool chair, laying out and looking up at the stars.
“Back to real life tomorrow,” Nora agreed. It was hard to believe she’d be in her own bed, under Boston skies, twenty-four hours from now.
Daniel was quiet for a while. “It’s going to be hard tomorrow morning. I talked to Leanne earlier. When we get off the ship, I’ll drive her to the airport and buy her a first-class ticket to Charlotte. She argued with me, but I insisted. And I’ll call Bianca to pick her up at the airport there.”
Of course he insisted. She wouldn’t expect anything less from him. “Are you sure she won’t feel weird seeing your cousin?”
“Leanne needs somebody to yell at. And then Bianca can yell at me afterwards.” He said it with dead seriousness, almost like it had already happened and he was just retelling it.
She hadn’t talked to Greg about arrangements for tomorrow.
Or anything else. They’d driven down to Baltimore in her car.
“I should do that, too. Not the yelling part. The plane ticket. He’s not going to want to drive back with me.
” He probably wouldn’t let her buy the ticket for him, though. His pride wouldn’t allow it.
That was a worry for tomorrow morning, though.
Daniel was already ahead of her. He reached over and took her hand. “Let’s not think about anything now. I just want to be with you. Just us and the stars.” Like their first date, nine years ago, when he’d stopped in the middle of the quad to point out constellations to her.
“I like that,” she said. She closed her eyes, holding tightly to his hand, not thinking about tomorrow or the future afterwards or anything at all except for him.
If this is all they had, maybe it was enough. His hand in hers, and the stars looking down on them.
And the promise, that still had three and a half years left to come true.