Chapter 7
CHAPTER SEVEN
MILES
He'd been here a few days now, and Miles was starting to wonder if he was going to last. He hadn’t shown for dinner when Emmett asked him to join them.
He hadn’t shown his face much at all.He ate because Emmett showed up at his door with plates covered in cling film, and that morning there had been several bags of groceries on the doorstep.
Guilt was eating at him because he wanted to be better to his hosts, but he felt like such an imposition, he didn’t know how to shake it.
It changed that afternoon while he was lying beside the pool.A dark shadow fell across his vision, and he looked up, heart kicking in his chest when he realized it wasn’t Emmette standing there.
It was Cosimo.
He looked even more imposing, if that was possible.He wore a linen button up and long shorts, hands in his pockets.His face was drawn and unfriendly as ever, and he cleared his throat loudly before asking, “Is it me?”
Miles quickly sat up.“Is what you?”
Cosimo heaved a breath, then sat down on the bench beside Miles and rested his forearms over his thighs.“Emmett thinks I’ve been unwelcoming. He thinks that could be the reason you never take him up on our invite to dinner.”
Miles had been terrified of seeing Cosimo again.The man had been gruff and seemed pretty pissed off at the lunch.But since then, Miles hadn’t seen him at all, so he could be honest in his answer.“It’s not you.Uh.I don’t like being a burden.”
“I got that impression,” Cosimo said.His posture relaxed a fraction.“But even if you were, we can handle a little bit of a burden.You get that, right?”
Miles couldn’t help a small snort.“I guess so.”
Cosimo’s mouth twitched almost like he was going to smile.“I’m not like Emmett.I’m not going to apologize for Selene.She’s a grown woman, and spoiled or not, she knows right from wrong, and she chose to be cruel.”
Miles rubbed a hand down his face.“I wasn’t expecting either of you to apologize.Or to make amends for her.”
“That’s not what this is,” Cosimo said.“To be blunt, we both knew you had nowhere to go, and neither of us could live with you being thrown out onto the streets.I have no idea why our daughter turned out the way she did.My family isn’t the most affectionate, but none of us have ever been like her.
And Emmett comes from a line of people who act like living teddy bears. ”
Miles couldn’t help his grin, but then his face fell.“She’s…related to you?I mean, genetically?”
Cosimo’s eyes turned sharp.“Is that not what she told you?”
She hadn’t directly said she was adopted, but she’d implied it enough when Miles was sharing his own story.“She didn't tell me anything about you, or Emmett, or her life before I met her,” he said.
Cosimo let out a tired smile.“Emmett gave birth to her.”
It took Miles a second to realize what that meant.“Oh.I didn’t… oh . So he’s…”
“Trans, yes. And if that’s uncomfortable for you—” Cosimo’s voice had immediately gone sharp. Threatening. A warning to Miles.
“What?Oh my God, no ,” Miles said in a rush, panicked because he didn’t mean to be insulting.
“I just had no idea.I’m sorry.Everything feels so upside down right now, but I have no problem with that at all.
I swear. And it’s not you or him keeping me out of the house.
I just…don’t want to be too much for you. ”
Cosimo grunted softly. “I understand.And neither of us want to push you, but Emmett’s been worrying himself sick over you not eating properly.
First, he thought you hated him for being pushy.
Then he thought you hated me because I can come across a little…
unfriendly.I didn’t think it was either of those things, so I wanted to come ask you directly if you’d join us for meals. For his sake, if not for your own.”
“All of them?” Miles asked.
Cosimo’s gaze was steady.“As many as you’d like.But we’re both decent cooks.I’m making homemade pasta tonight—the good kind.It’s not bad warmed up, but it’s better fresh.So…?”
Miles’s chest felt a little tight, and he swallowed past the lump. It was the least he could do. And frankly, he didn’t want to tell Cosimo that the main reason he’d been avoiding them is because he had a crush on them both that he had no business having.
But it was time to show his gratitude. He didn’t mean to make either of them worry or blame themselves. “Count me in. I promise this time.”
“Good.”Cosimo slapped his thighs, then pushed to stand.“I have to run to my office, but I’ll be back by five.Come inside if you want to get out of that little cottage for a while.I think Emmett will enjoy your company.”
And that was that.
Miles found himself enjoying a beer on the deck with Emmett a few hours later.
It wasn’t how he expected to spend his afternoon, but it felt good to just let himself be.
He’d been holing up in that little room for too long, watching out the window, creeping around the pool, eating cold dinners that Emmett would leave for him.
It was ridiculous, and yet, Miles had needed it.
He needed to scream and ugly cry into pillows. He needed to neglect his research and work and spend the day rotting in bed, staring at the ceiling with his processors off, enjoying the silence for the first time in so, so long.
He might have gone on longer, but then Cosimo had showed up and called him out.
He couldn’t hide forever, and now he was glad he hadn’t been stubborn.
“You okay?” Emmett moved his hands as he spoke, and it took Miles a second to realize he was signing.
“Yeah.” Should he sign back? Should he try harder? “Sorry.” He rubbed his fist in a circle over his chest.
“You’re fine,” Emmett said and signed again. “I just wanted to check in. You seem a little far off. I?—”
“Can you stop.” The words erupted before Miles could stop himself, but watching Emmett’s hands move while also trying to focus on his voice was wholly distracting.
Emmett froze, then asked, “Stop what?”
Miles pointed at his hands. “That. I…it’s…I told you I don’t know ASL. I wasn’t pretending. And it feels so awful that I’m this,” he gestured at his right ear, “but I don’t know what you’re signing!”
Emmett’s hands immediately dropped to his lap, and his cheeks went a little pink. “Oh honey, I’m so sorry.”
Miles felt warm all over at being called honey. It was…unexpected. “No, god. I shouldn’t have yelled at you. I just?—”
Emmett ducked his head to catch Miles’s attention. “Hey, no. I’m the one who owes you an apology. I wasn’t trying to make you feel bad. You said you wanted to learn, so I thought a little immersion with sim-com might help.”
Miles felt his ears heat. He didn’t know half these words. He was almost afraid he was miss-hearing them correctly. “Sim…com?”
Emmett smiled a little. “It’s signed English used with speech. It’s not ASL at all, but I thought…never mind. It was so not my place.”
Miles deflated and felt like a complete asshole. He never did this. He never had outbursts like that. He was well trained to be mild-mannered, and no matter how he felt, he was good at keeping it all in.
So why was he cracking now?
“You’ve been so nice, and I’ve been this weird, reclusive asshole?—”
“Miles.”
His jaw snapped shut, and Emmett gave him a look he couldn’t read, but it made him feel funny in his gut. “You’re not an asshole. You’re not weird. Or reclusive, as far as I can tell. You’re hurting.”
Miles closed his eyes in a long, slow blink before speaking again.
“Yeah. I think it’s mostly shame, though.
Like, I know I’m textbook abandonment issues.
I was a system kid who aged out instead of getting adopted.
I don’t have a family out there waiting for me to find them.
So when she wanted me, I kind of…accepted everything that came with that.
And logically, I knew I could find someone better.
I had a boyfriend my senior year of high school who was really good to me and?—”
“Boyfriend,” Emmett repeated.
Miles blinked in surprise. He didn’t realize they didn’t know that about him. “Oh. Yeah. I’m bi, I guess. I don’t…I never really thought about it. I like who I like.”
“Sorry,” Emmett said, his voice slightly hoarse. “Go on.”
Miles blew out a puff of air. “Anyway, like I said, it’s mostly shame knowing I should have been treated better and accepted being walked on and used and cheated on.”
“You knew about Jake?”
Miles swallowed heavily and shrugged. “I suspected. She went away a lot. I felt more like a roommate or a house sitter than a boyfriend. I thought maybe things could get better after I graduated and had more stability, but during that lunch, I knew I couldn’t ignore it anymore.”
Emmett looked like he was struggling, and when he spoke, it was so low that Miles had to read the question off his lips. “Did she ever hurt you?”
“Well, this whole thing was—oh. Oh . No.” He shook his head. “You mean like…” he mimed slapping himself.
Emmett winced, then nodded.
“No. It was all, you know, emotional.”
Emmett looked a little bit angry. “You know that’s just as bad, right? There’s not one type of abuse that’s worse than the other?”
In spite of the heavy conversation, Miles chuckled a little. Emmett was so sweet. He was so…fuck. He was like the big, burly Daddies Miles liked to watch when he was indulging in his porn fantasies. The rough, demanding caregiver who heaped praise.
Miles never talked about that with anyone. Ever. But he also hadn’t expected to see the epitome of his fantasy sitting across from him feeding him good food and expensive beer.
“I do know,” he finally said. “But I wasn’t living with, like, the abuse trifecta. Mostly she ignored me unless she wanted something. I did get a lot of work done.” He laughed bitterly.
Emmett sighed, then glanced at his phone for a quick second.
“Has she been calling?” Miles froze, then cleared his throat. “Sorry, god. Don’t answer that, please.”
Emmett studied him for a second, then laid his phone on the table and rested his arms down on the glass top. “Okay, we can’t keep being weird. Let’s get all the Selene things out there so you can let them go.”
“Oh, I don’t?—”
“Miles,” Emmett said again in that rough rumble. “You’re in her fathers’ house. You have questions.”
The soft command in Emmett’s voice was damn-near impossible to resist. Miles took a breath, then said, “Was she like this as a kid?”
Emmett sat back and let out a heavy sigh. “Not…as bad. But she was spoiled, and she became entitled pretty quickly. She was our miracle baby, you know.”
“Right because you’re…I mean.” Miles’s tongue felt like it was fumbling on all his words. “You were probably on testosterone for a long time, right?”
Emmett smiled softly, his eyes crinkling at the corners. “I was, yeah. I came out years before HRT was widely available to trans people. I was told I probably would never be fertile enough to carry a child if I decided to, but Mo and I wanted to try. We were one and done.”
“Was it hard?”
Emmett tipped his head to the side. “Are you asking if there were signs when I was having her that she was going to turn out like this?”
Miles burst into laughter, covering the sound with his hand. “No! I just…I mean. It must have been hard to do that. The…baby thing. God, am I being so offensive right now? I don’t know how to ask this.”
Emmett leaned closer to him and reached out, brushing a lock of his unruly hair off his forehead. “You’re sweet.”
Miles felt something zinging up his spine and he shoved that down because goddamn it, no. No! He would not start having even bigger feelings about his ex’s dad.
After a beat, Emmett shrugged and rested his elbow on the table, chin in his hand. “It was strange at first and got worse as I got bigger. I’d been out for so long, you know? I was a man, and men typically don’t have babies.”
“Right,” Miles said with a tiny grin.
Emmett winked, making that zinging sensation in his spine worse.
“The dysphoria got to be a lot. I still have it some days, but it was overwhelming back then. Cosimo helped, of course. I also grew a beard and hid my stomach as best as I could so I didn’t have to think about it most days.
The pregnancy wasn’t the point. The baby was. ”
“So this really sucks for you,” Miles blurted, then slapped his hand over his mouth again. “Sorry,” he murmured against his fingers.
Emmett stared, then threw his head back and laughed. “Fuck, you’re so sweet. I like that you say whatever comes to your mind.”
“I don’t,” Miles muttered crossly. “It’s probably one of the reasons I was never adopted.”
Emmett’s face fell. “I wish I could speak to that, but I can’t. But I can say, knowing you now, you didn’t deserve that.”
“I don’t think anyone did,” Miles answered him. He tried not to think about all the kids he’d known, and the ones he’d left behind. Even the ones who lived harder and more painful lives—the ones full of anger and resentment they couldn’t contain in their small bodies—didn’t deserve it.
“You’re right,” Emmett said. “Life is shit. And it’s rarely fair. The universe doesn’t make sense, even when it does.”
“I guess you’d know,” Miles pointed out. “Being a scientist guy and all.”
“Scientist guy,” Emmett said, then chuckled. “I suppose so. My job is all chaos, but I do like coming home where things are more predictable and orderly.”
“Until I came along.”
“No,” Emmett said, leaning close to him.
Their gazes met and Miles swore it meant something.
It was a moment. It was profound and important, and if he didn’t breathe or speak, he wouldn’t lose it.
“You make sense Miles. You make a lot of sense here. And I can’t tell you how glad I am that you didn’t run. ”