9. Ivy
nine
Ivy
The Next Day
The sun is beginning to set over the Olympic Mountains.
Cillian’s hand rests on my thigh as if to remind me whom I belong to now. Every part of my body tingles.
Our ride back from my first overnight getaway is tinged with a soft, comfortable silence. The kind that settles over you when you’re content to be in someone’s presence. A feeling I haven’t had in years.
Which is weird, considering I didn’t even know who he was three days ago. Since then, Cillian’s hands, lips, and mouth have touched me everywhere, inside and out. He’s claimed me, though I doubt he has any idea of how profound this weekend has been. I’ve given him all of my firsts.
Even now, though I’m sore—really sore—I want more of him.
I want to give him more of me.
“Are you okay?” Cillian squeezes my knee. “You seem restless.”
I’m not sure how to answer. I decide to flirt. “Let’s just say I’m not used to having a huge cock impale me for three solid days…”
A slow grin spreads across his face. “Oh, yeah?”
“Don’t get a big ego.” I swat his arm.
His expression changes abruptly. “Seriously, are you uncomfortable? Did I hurt you? Tell me the truth.”
“I’m a bit uncomfortable, but no, it doesn’t hurt.” I thread my fingers with his. “I kind of like it. The soreness reminds me of all the fun we had.”
“Do you need a night off?” He squeezes my fingers.
My heart thuds to my stomach. Tears sting the backs of my eyes at the thought of not waking up with him. Dramatic much? Maybe. We’ve only had two nights and I can’t imagine not sleeping in his arms. What do I say, though? I don’t want to come across as too needy. “Um…if you do.”
“Baby girl.” Cillian brings our hands to his lips and kisses my knuckles. His signature move, I’ve discovered. “Don’t deflect. I was asking what you need.”
I gaze into his eyes. “You. I need you.”
“Aye, sweet Ivy. Mo shíorghrá .” Cillian’s depth of sincerity and warmth makes my heart flutter. “Then spend the night with me, if you want. Spend every night with me, if you can swing it. Life is short, we should grasp happiness when we can.”
His offer tugs at every corner of my soul, stirring intense emotions I’ve never known. “Really? You don’t think this is going really fast?”
“I mean…yeah.” He glances over. “Your life is more complicated. If you need to slow down, we’ll take this at your pace.”
“What if I like the pace and want to stay tonight? Stay with you every night? What if there’s nowhere else I’d rather be?” The prospect of more time with Cillian is too tantalizing not to inform Hilde I’m staying with Emma until my parents get home. Thank sweet baby Jesus I cleared it with dad before they left. A moment of accidental genius. “Will I freak you out if I say being with you feels like finding a piece of myself I didn’t know was missing?”
“Oh yeah? Well, I feel the same way.” Cillian’s hazel eyes sparkle. “And since you’re moving to California in a few weeks, why waste any time? Let’s soak up every minute we can.”
A thread of dread weaves through my excitement. Does he see me leaving for grad school as an end date for us? Ugh .
“Yeah. Let’s make the most of every moment.” I smile at him, hoping to savor the present, even if my heart yearns for a future I’m uncertain how to secure.
“I have a question.” Cillian pauses as we merge onto the freeway. “Why Stanford, anyway?”
His tone is genuinely curious, but do I detect an undercurrent of something else?
“My dad’s choice because of the caliber of the business school,” I admit. “As I mentioned, he likes to control most of my life. Well, at least since my brother…”
Cillian squeezes my knee. “Tell me. I’m an excellent listener.”
“Well, Forrest—he was supposed to take over the family business,” I sigh, the anguish of his death ever-present and heavy on my chest. “When he passed away, it changed everything. My parents became more protective. Overprotective , really. It’s only recently started to wear on me, but I don’t want them to worry. I’m all they have left.”
“We have lots in common. The challenge of living up to family expectations because of a tragedy.” Cillian nods .
“Really? You too?” My heart swells at the thought of him truly understanding what I’m going through. “I guess the reason I’m excited to go to Stanford is to get away from the constant scrutiny. My dad is powerful. He’s used to everyone around him bending to his will, and I’m no exception. He doesn’t see me as an adult, able to take care of myself and make decisions. He likes to control who I spend time with. With them being away all summer, it seemed like the perfect opportunity to seize my moment. Expand my horizons. And, there you were.”
“Seize your moment, huh? Are you telling me I’m a convenient excuse to rebel against your dad?” he teases gently, giving my hand a reassuring squeeze.
I shake my head. “You have no idea.”
“It sounds like you’re carrying a lot on your shoulders. At your age, you shouldn’t let anyone control you, Ivy. Even your father.” Cillian’s eyes narrow with concern.
I tense up. How do I navigate this? “Yeah…I get what you’re saying. In his defense, my dad’s been through a lot and he wants to protect his little girl.”
“Still…” He catches my eye. “You’re twenty-four. A grown woman with your own needs and desires.”
This is getting sticky. I should confess. It would clear things up.
It would also end things.
I’m not willing to risk it. “I know, but trust me. I have my reasons. All I was saying is, with them out of town, I have more flexibility outside of his watchful—and judgmental—eye.”
“Look. I’m sorry.” He moves his hand closer to the cleft between my legs and grins. “Whatever your reasons, I’m glad it led you to me. If you hadn’t figured it out, I’m fishing a little bit. Is this a summer fling for you? I’m already missing you and you haven’t left yet. I was secretly wondering if you’d be open to attend a business school closer to home.”
My heart bursts with joy. I read this conversation all wrong.
“I guess it depends.” I massage the top of his hand with my thumb. “He probably won’t be a fan of me dating anyone during grad school, since he’s covering the cost.”
Cillian returns both hands to the steering wheel. After a moment, he looks over at me. “Well, he definitely won’t be a fan of you dating someone eight years older than you. Right?”
I don’t need to answer him. We fall into another silence, this one not quite as comfortable, considering the air is filled with unasked questions and the echo of my half truths.
A few minutes later, Cillian shifts the topic to his own family. “Connor, my oldest brother is the bassist for Less Than Zero, the rock band. When I was in my early teens, my da wanted him to quit high school and to help him run McGloughlin Construction. Then, Da had a terrible accident, got addicted to pain meds and Connor didn’t have a choice. He saved our family, really. Sacrificed his own dreams for nearly a decade to keep the company afloat and become the breadwinner to get me and my brothers through high school.”
“Wow. He was under lot of pressure.” I’m astounded. Not only at the parallels in our lives, but holy shit. His brother is really, really famous.
“He was,” he agrees. “Connor hated construction and everything about the business, but felt bound by duty. On the other hand, from an early age, I knew it’s what I wanted to do so I relentlessly weaseled my way in. At first, he’d only let me help out on the weekends, but once I turned seventeen, he realized I was serious. By this point, LTZ was starting to get well-known and he started to teach me how to run the business.”
“Wait, you were that involved in your family business before you were eighteen?” I’m blown away. More things we have in common.
“Yes and no. I think I mentioned, I took over completely at twenty-five—because Connor insisted I go to college first. I lived at home while I was at UW and worked in the business until I graduated with a degree in Construction Management. His ex-girlfriend, who’s now married to a woman named Becca, took over when Connor left on tour. I worked with her until she moved to the Kitsap Peninsula.”
Connor’s so open. Engaging. Honest. I’m fascinated by his life. “It sounds like your brother is pretty special.”
“You’re spot on. He sacrificed his own happiness for years to put all of us through school. I’m not sure any of us appreciated it at the time because Da was such a distraction, but we all respect the shit out of him. He inspired us and the rest of my brothers found their own paths early on too. Liam and Padraig are also musicians, they’re in a band called Fireball. Brennan founded an AI company during his freshman year of college. The baby, Seamus, completed early start in high school and is finishing up his surgical residency.”
His description of his brothers makes me miss Forrest and how our family used to be normal. “How cool. You all sound very driven.”
“Yeah, we’re quite the bunch.“ He chuckles, then turns serious again. “May I pry a bit more without upsetting you?”
“Oh-kay…” I tilt my head and brace myself.
“Why is your birthday tough? You’ve alluded to it a few times.” Cillian’s thumb continues to trace patterns on my inner thigh, making me tingly.
He’s been open with me, I want to do the same as much as possible. “My brother died on my thirteenth birthday.” I suck in a quick breath because I nearly blurt out “five years ago” accidentally. “We were swimming and jet-skiing and celebrating with a load of our friends at my house. He hit his head on a rock and drowned. My birthday turned into the day we lost him instead of the day I came into the world.”
“I can’t even imagine.” Cillian pulls off into downtown Seattle.
“It’s been awful.” I squeeze my eyes shut to stop myself from crying. “I loved him and he was such a light in our family. It’s a struggle sometimes not to feel sorry for myself. Or, angry at the world. My birthday is now forever associated with his death but I can’t make it about me or my loss because then I’m an asshole. There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t mourn him. He’ll never be able to fulfil any of his potential. Get married. Have a family. There are no words for how much it hurts.”
Cillian squeezes my thigh. “Ivy, this might sound crass, but it needs to be said. Your brother’s death doesn’t need to define you. You’re still alive and you have your own hopes and dreams, right?”
“Yeah.” I nod, touched by his empathy. “I do. It’s the reason I was out at Kells the other night. I decided to reclaim my day.”
“I’m glad you did.” He kisses my temple. “Maybe meeting was our fate.”
As we drive toward his loft, I know I have to tell him everything. He deserves to know the truth .
How, though?
Tonight, I want him to make love to me, lie in his arms and bask in the afterglow of our weekend. Enjoy the feeling of falling in love for the first time. “I’m really glad we did this. I know we just met, but being with you means a lot to me.”
“Me too, sweet Ivy. Me too.” He pulls into his parking garage.
On the way up to his loft, Cillian’s arms wrap around my waist and I lean back into his broad chest. His cheek rests on top of my head.
Everything about being with him feels perfect, yet the secret of my age hangs like a shadow. What happens if he finds out I’m eighteen?
My biggest fear is the truth will shatter our beautiful illusion.
Leaving us both to pick up the pieces.