19. Ivy
nineteen
Ivy
A Few Days Later
I haven’t been able to get out of bed.
Not since I saw Cillian at the office earlier this week.
My heart aches for him, but what started as a way for me to break free from my father’s control has mushroomed into a disaster.
Seeing Cillian at the meeting shocked me to the core. I knew he had some big project in the works, but had no clue it was building my father’s new headquarters. Coming face to face with him before I could explain what happened was mortifying.
But nothing could have prepared me for my dad’s oblivious introduction. I watched Cillian’s face morph from surprise, to confusion, to devastation and finally horror when he found out who I really am. And how old I am.
Watching his reaction, I fully comprehended how my lies hurt the people I love the most.
I’m ruined.
Despite every one of my dad’s threats, for the past few days I’ve been buried under my comforter, trying to block out the world. The memory of Cillian’s pained face haunts me. It’s unbearable. I can’t believe how badly I’ve messed my life up.
A gentle knock on the door barely registers until my mom’s voice cuts through the fog of my despair. “Ivy, can I come in?”
Fuck her. What’s she doing back? The woman’s barely acknowledged my existence for over five years. I don’t respond, hoping she’ll take the hint and leave me alone. But she doesn’t. I hear her footsteps as she approaches the bed.
“I brought you something from Paris.” She approaches and I hear her place something on the floor. “A few items from Givenchy’s new collection.”
I peek out from under the covers. “When did you get home? ”
“A few minutes ago.” She sits on the edge of the bed. “I came back as soon as your dad told me what’s going on.”
We used to be close, but her presence isn’t a comfort anymore. More like another source of anxiety. I haven’t really talk-talked to her in years. She’s been lost in her grief over my brother, leaving me to fend for myself in the gilded cage my father calls protection.
Turning away from her, I pull the covers around me. I’m not ready to face her or anyone else. I’m surprised she doesn’t give up, instead placing a comforting hand on my shoulder. “Ivy, please talk to me,” she pleads. “I know things have been hard, but shutting yourself off from the world isn’t the answer.”
Oh really? Her words infuriate me. I fling the covers off and flip over to face her. Show her my red, puffy eyes from crying for a solid week.
“Hard?” I spit out. “Try impossible . I apologized. I know I was wrong, there’s no justifying lying. I get it. On the other hand, the way Dad controls my life, the way he keeps me in this protective bubble wrap, it broke me. Instead of compassion he’s verbally attacked me every single day. Did you know he forced me to take a pregnancy test? I’m done, Mom. I don’t want to go to Stanford. I won’t work with him. I need something else. I can’t keep doing this.”
My mom’s face falls. She nods slowly. “Oh, my darling girl. Your father loves you more than life itself. He can’t bear for anything to happen to you. He thinks he’s protecting you but doesn’t realize how much it’s hurting you. I didn’t either.”
“He’s called me horrible names, Mom.” My voice is wobbly.
She shakes her head. “I’ll talk to him. Will you tell me where you were??”
“He’s not wrong. I met someone and spent the past seven weeks with him. Now it’s over and I’m utterly heartbroken. For many reasons.” Tears pool in the corners of my eyes. “For a short time, I felt alive. Like before Forrest died. Now my life is ruined and there’s nothing I can do but protect the man I love. Dad will destroy him if he finds out his identify. I won’t do that to him.”
My mom’s eyes widen slightly. She takes my hands in hers. “Oh, Ivy. You’re in love?”
“Yes. So much.” My tears fall freely now. “I can’t tell you who because I don’t trust you won’t tell Dad.”
She grimaces and shakes her head. “Okay. I understand our trust is broken . For the past few years I’ve been lost in my grief and it’s been hard for me to function, let alone be a mother. You’ve suffered and I should have been there for you. I wish… I’m so sorry, my baby girl.”
We sit in silence for a moment, our shared pain hangs heavy in the air .
“You know, when your father and I first met, things were complicated too.” She scoots back, leans on the headboard and wraps her arm around me. Just like she used to before everything went to shit.
“What do you mean?” I look up at her sniffling.
She smiles wistfully. “Your father wasn’t always the serious, powerful man he is now. Your grandfather built the company, but he wasn’t sure he wanted to follow in his footsteps. My family was on the wrong side of the tracks and I was a wild, wild child. His parents didn’t approve of me, we had to sneak around to see each other.”
“What happened?” I’m intrigued. I’ve never heard this story before.
“We found ways to be together.” Her eyes grow distant with the memory. “Those stolen moments were some of the best of my life. I knew, deep down, he was the one for me, no matter what anyone else thought.”
“I’m glad he’s your person, Mom, but do you realize how hard he is on me? Or that neither of you wished me happy birthday? You haven’t in five years. You left on your trip without even saying goodbye. I really didn’t think either of you cared what I did.” I know she’s trying to draw parallels, but my own situation is very different. “I wanted to have some fun. And I did. Then I met him.”
“We’ve both failed you,” she admits. “I completely understand why you were looking for something—someone—to make you feel wanted. Loved. We drove you to it.”
“Thank you for saying that.” Tears well up in my eyes again. “I know how much losing Forrest broke you. It’s not the same, but being without my guy is killing me.”
She leans her head on my shoulder. “It doesn’t have to be ruined. Your father left for Hong Kong this morning, he’s gone for a week. I’m lifting your restriction. Get yourself together and go to him. Talk to him. Explain everything. Then you and I will have a long talk about what you want to do with your life. I’ll make it happen. Whatever it takes.”
“You mean it? You’ll help me?” Fragile hope flickers in my chest. “This isn’t a trick?”
My mom kisses my temple. “You’re wise beyond your years, always have been. You also know your own mind. It’s not like we can take back what’s already happened, can we?”
“No.” My face pinkens.
“You’re still on birth control?” She scoots off the bed and stands.
I nod.
Tears glisten in her eyes. “You’re an adult now. Legal. Able to vote. Make your own decisions, including being intimate with a man you love. I’ll set your dad straight. You’re under no obligation to work for Bright Shipping if that’s not your path. Leave it with me. I promise I’ll be here for you no matter what happens. Now go. Find him and explain what happened.”
“Please don’t have me followed. I mean it. I can’t let dad know who he is,” I plead. As elated as I feel to go find Cillian, I can’t risk my actions causing him to lose this job with my dad. I’ve taken too much from him already.
I’m not sure how he and I will navigate what comes next, but first things first. I owe him an apology. It’s time to make amends.
Mom lingers in the door. “Take my car. In case your dad air-tagged you. By the time he gets home from his trip, things will be different. I promise.”
With a renewed sense of purpose, I get out of bed. The room spins slightly as I stand. Too much crying. Not enough sustenance. Steadying myself, I shower quickly and get dressed and pack a small bag with essentials. My heart pounds in my chest thinking about seeing Cillian again.
I have no idea how he’ll react to me, but hopefully I can explain everything to him. Make him see what we have is real.
Despite my mom’s assurances, I take extra precautions to avoid being followed, parking the car in a hotel lot and taking an Uber to Cillian’s loft, even though it’s only a few blocks away. My hands shake as I enter the code to the elevator and it starts going up. I step into his living room, it’s quiet. His familiar scent fills the space, but he isn’t here. I feel a pang of anguish.
Sitting on the couch for hours, waiting for him to return, my mind races with a thousand thoughts. Is he out on a date? Did he go away for the weekend? Where is he?
My heart aches when I think about how betrayed he must feel. I practice what I’ll say over and over. As it gets closer to midnight, I start to feel stupid. Stalkerish. Maybe he’s not as devastated as I’ve been.
I’m about to leave when I hear the elevator whirr. A few minutes later, Cillian stumbles in, so drunk he’s barely able to stand up on his own. His eyes widen in shock as he sees me. Tries to focus. For a moment, time seems to stand still.
Then we run to each other and I jump into his arms. Our lips smash together and the world melts away. In this kiss, all my pain, confusion, and heartache seem to disappear.
He holds me against him tightly, whispering my name over and over as we kiss.
Nothing matters but him. Us.
Our love burns with the heat of a million fireballs as he walks us back to his bedroom.