21. Ivy
twenty-one
Ivy
The Next Morning
I’m truly home.
Sunlight filters through the blinds, casting a soft glow across the room. I wake up in Cillian’s arms, his warmth enveloping me. I’m fucking happy. Everything feels perfect, like we’ve found our way back to each other. I smile, nuzzling closer, inhaling his familiar, woodsy scent. Reaching down between us, I grip his semi-hard cock and stroke him lovingly.
Cillian’s lips curve into my favorite expression, a pleasurable smile. His hips swivel as he bucks into my hand. Then, as if a bolt of lightning zaps him, his eyes fly open and he sees me grinning up at him. The atmosphere abruptly shifts. His body tenses and he quickly disentangles himself, sitting up and throwing his legs over the side of the bed.
He rubs his temples, muttering, “ Fuck .”
“Morning.” I reach out and touch his arm.
He flinches, but doesn’t turn around. “Morning.”
My heart lodges in my throat. I’m not sure what’s happening. Last night, he fucked me until dawn. Usually, no matter how many times we do it, we’re unable to keep our hands off each other when we wake up. I thought everything was fine. Why is he being weird?
It’s awkward. Uncomfortable.
I’ve got to get things back on track. My life depends on it.
“Cillian, about last night.” My voice trembles. “Thank you for letting me explain. I meant every word. I love you and I know we can figure this out.”
He finally flicks his gaze toward me, his hazel eyes filled with sorrow. Guilt. “Ivy, this is no excuse, but I was loaded drunk. Not thinking straight. We shouldn’t have… Look, I don’t want to hurt you.”
“What do you mean?” I tilt my head as dread settles like a boiling vat of acid into my gut.
He pinches his nose with his fingers. “I can’t be with you. I didn’t mean for, uh …anything to happen.”
I hold up my hand as tears spill down my cheeks. “ No . Don’t say that. You wanted it too. We both did. Please, Cillian, it’ll be okay. It doesn’t matter how old I am, I know I want to be with you.”
“You don’t know shit, Ivy. You’re eighteen..” He stands and pulls on his jeans. Then runs a hand through his hair. “You have your whole life ahead of you. You’re infatuated. I was your first. But, you’re going to Stanford. You should not be focusing on me. And I, most definitely, should not be focusing on you.”
His words cut me to the core, but I’m not a quitter.
Wrapping the sheet around me, I approach him, placing a hand on his chest. “I’m not some little girl who’s infatuated. Please don’t diminish my feelings. I’ve essentially been an adult since my brother died and I’m a legal adult who can make my own decisions. I love you , Cillian. Age doesn’t matter. What we have is real .”
He steps back, recoiling from my touch. “Stop. It does matter. It matters a lot. I promised myself I wouldn’t let this happen again and yet…” He shakes his head, agonized. “I’m a weak man. I can’t resist you. No, that’s fucked up. This is not your fault. I’m the one who’s taken advantage of you. Again .”
“Taken advantage?” My voice rises in frustration. “I was the one who pursued you ! I lied about my age because I knew you’d never give us a chance if you knew the truth. I wanted you, Cillian. I still do. I showed up here last night to make sure you knew you did nothing wrong.”
“You tricked me into taking your virginity on the day you turned eighteen. Can’t you understand it makes me feel like a fucking creep? A thirty-two-year-old man fucking an eighteen-year-old girl? God .” His voice cracks, like he’s as anguished as me. “And seeing you at your father’s office. It was mortifying for both of us, listening to the truth—knowing what we did all summer while your father stood there oblivious.”
Crying harder, I try to take his hand but he yanks it away. “I’m sorry, I know I messed up. You have to know lying to you killed me. I agonized over it every single day. I wanted to tell you, I did . But, you thought twenty-four was too young, what was I supposed to do? After everything we meant to each other, I was scared of losing you.”
“ What were you supposed to do ? Try telling the truth. How can I ever believe you now? About anything?” His shoulders sag. “I’ve taken the job with your dad, Ivy. Try to understand, whatever we have— had —it’s over. You need to live your life and let me move on. You’re beautiful. Smart. Funny. Sweet. You’ve got everything going for you. Learn from this and your next boyfriend will be the luckiest man in the world.”
My heart shatters into a zillion pieces. I’m desperate. Without thinking, I drop my sheet and stand naked and vulnerable before him. “ Please , Cillian. Look at me. My face. My tits. My pussy. I’m yours . Don’t do this. You’re the only one who’s ever really known me. Don’t throw me away. I don’t want anyone else but you to ever touch me.”
”I can’t , Ivy.” His eyes fill with tears as he picks up the sheet and wraps it around me. “I don’t want to touch you. I don’t want you . Being with you makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong. I can’t keep feeling this way. It’s too much.”
Undeterred, I grab his hand and press it to my breast. “Stop. Look at me . Look at who I am , not my age. We can make this work. Please , Cillian. Don’t give up on us.”
“ Stop !“ He pulls his hand away, his voice breaking with emotion. “ Please . I do not want to hurt you any more than necessary, but I need you to get dressed and go. I. Don’t. Want. You .”
Stunned, I stumble back. His words finally register and hit me like a physical blow. Sobbing and humiliated, I gather my clothes, hastily dress and run for the door. Cillian watches me from the kitchen, but he makes no move to stop me.
I reach the elevator and glance back one last time, hoping for a miracle, but his back is turned.
Then I know. It’s over. My lies have ruined the best thing I’ll ever have.
Bawling my eyes out in the elevator on the way down, my heart aches with the finality of it all. The door closes, cutting off my view of him, and I collapse against the wall. The love we shared, the future we could have shared…it’s all gone. I have no idea how I’ll move on. I will never forget him. How could I? I’ll always carry a piece of him with me. Losing him will haunt me forever because I can’t imagine loving anyone like I love Cillian.
Now, I’m left with nothing but the pain of what could have been.
What am I going to do?
The ride down feels like an eternity. Once I reach the lobby, though, my upbringing kicks in. I force myself to stand tall and wipe away my tears. It’s time to be strong. For myself. For the future I must face without the man I love.
As I step outside, the noise and bustle of people around me barely registers. On my way back to the car, I replay our emotional breakup over and over in my mind. Each word slices me to the bone. I try to push the memories of our summer to the recesses of my mind and nearly run into a guy who cuts me off on the way into his office building. God, how can he be having a normal day? I’m stuck in an endless loop of heartbreak and regret.
Then it hits me. I can’t stay here. Not in Seattle. Not surrounded by all these memories. I have to get away from everything that reminds me of him .
I’m not going to Stanford. I’m not running Bright Shipping because I certainly can’t risk running into Cillian during the building process.
The only thing I can do is take control. Make big changes in my life.
I’m getting the fuck out of town.
No one, not even my father, is going to force me do anything I don’t want to do.
Ever again.