23. “I’m Every Woman” #2
“I don’t give that first fuck about your mother,” I hissed so hostilely, my upper body spiking her way, Javi wrapped an arm around my middle and pulled me back.
“We’re done here,” Javi stated.
“Javier—” Austin started beseechingly.
But as Javi started shutting the door, Cath threw her hand out to catch it, crying, “We just want to figure out how to make amends. Dad wants to figure it out.”
Javi stopped trying to close the door and looked to Austin. “Yeah?”
“You’re a member of our family, Javier,” Austin replied quickly.
“Wish you felt that when I was born,” Javi returned.
“Or when I was two. Or when I was five and Ma was just starting to wig out and lost her job. Or when I was seven and had an ear infection, and the woman at the homeless shelter we were staying at reported me to CPS, and they took me away from Ma. And by the time I escaped and got back to her, she was so fucking skinny, her hair so matted, it was painful, so I had to shave that shit off her scalp with a dull knife.”
Julia recoiled in shock and despair.
The tears returned to Cath’s eyes.
Austin’s face was getting red, and his eyes weren’t dry either.
But Javi wasn’t done.
“Or maybe when Marlene, who used to be a teacher, would teach me how to read and add two plus two while we were sitting out in a hundred-and-fifteen-degree weather by her shopping cart. Or when I picked the maggots out of the refried beans I found, but Ma and I shared them anyway.”
“Oh God ,” Cath groaned.
I closed my eyes and leaned back into my guy.
And Javi still wasn’t done.
“I just got in a fight with my woman because she wants me to have shiny new things, because she gets I’m fucking thirty-three and I’m only now letting myself have them.
But, see, they terrify me because what if shit gets real?
” he asked. “What if it all falls apart like it always does and I gotta walk away from my expensive smoothie maker? And then I’ll kick myself in the ass for spending stupid money on a fucking smoothie maker instead of spending smart on shit like food or my mortgage or laundry detergent to clean my clothes. ”
My voice was strangled when I implored, “You guys need to leave.”
“No,” Javi disagreed. “He wants this so bad, he should know. I am damaged. You can’t fix me.”
“I don’t want to fix you,” Austin said gruffly. “I just want you in our lives.”
“But you’d be the only one who could fix me, man, because it’s you who broke me.”
Julia whimpered. Cath didn’t even try to silence her sob.
Austin, though?
He looked destroyed.
I turned and pressed my cheek to Javi’s chest and wrapped my arms tight around him.
“And now you bring them to my door?” Javi asked. “Shoving right in my face another two precious things I never had because you kept them from me?”
I burrowed closer.
“I see that was a mistake, Javier,” Austin replied.
“Why? Because you just gutted me? Or because you gutted them?” Javi demanded.
“All three,” Austin said, and now he sounded like a dying man.
“Congratulations. You’re batting a thousand on this dad shit,” Javi said while shuffling me back and then slamming the door.
I heard the lock go.
I heard another sob from Cath on the other side of the door.
I tipped my head back and looked up at my man.
“Sweetheart,” I whispered.
“What else does my place need?” he asked.
“Wh-what?” I asked back, perplexed at his question.
“I need a rug. Under the couch. It gets cold in winter. I’m not gonna have my woman running to get socks to keep her feet warm on my floors.”
He did need a rug under his couch. Everybody knew from The Dude that a rug brings a room together.
And sometimes (rarely) it did get cold in winter.
“Nightstands. A new dresser,” Javi continued. “More lamps. Good knives, so you can cut your fruit.”
I thought I was following him, and where he was leading was killing me.
I took my arms from around him so I could cradle his face. “Honey.”
“What else do I need?” he pushed.
“You have time,” I whispered.
“Fuck it, fuck it… fuck !” he exploded, pulling away from me and prowling into his living room.
I turned with him and took a couple of steps toward him but let him have his space.
He yanked a hand through his hair then dropped it, and his head.
As much as I detested his pose of defeat, I kept my silence and let him work through it.
He turned to me. “You didn’t tell me how pretty they are.”
Oh God.
It lasted all of two seconds, but I was done letting him work through it.
I raced to him and threw my arms around him.
He drew me closer and shoved his face in the side of my neck.
“I’m not gonna be able to not see them again,” he said into my skin.
I figured.
I was just going to kill Austin Atherton.
Metaphorically, of course.
I was so totally hijacking our sit-down with Nancy.
Me and the Angels were going to take a side trip to Millionaire Town for me to lay down the gol’ darned law.
I tipped my head back to catch his eyes. “Since I’m barely taking anything home, we need to grab your stuff and take it there so we can go shopping. No rugs. No lamps. Just a big Sephora haul so I can keep my skin healthy.”
“Babe—”
I pushed close. “You don’t have to prove anything to anybody. And you don’t have to go faster than you’re ready. You’re a smart guy. Eventually, you’ll get it. You’ll know you made it. You’ll see you’re on the other side. But you can’t rush it. It has to be at your comfort level.”
His lips quirked, thank God.
“Except a new nutribullet,” he remarked.
“I’m buying that.”
He frowned.
I pushed up on my toes to kiss it off his face.
When I rolled back, I ordered, “Go get your bag. Let’s get this show on the road.”
“All right, lil’ mama,” he muttered, bent, pressed his lips to mine then moved to the stairs.
I went to get the nutribullet.
“Babe,” he called.
I turned to see him halfway up the stairs.
“Yeah?”
“I got guilt,” he said.
Dang it.
“Honey, it isn’t on you that?—”
“You’re not her.”
I shut up because I didn’t get what he was saying.
He explained.
“When she’d weave back into the real world in those days where that still happened, she was sweet, she loved her boy, and she was ravaged, because we were so fucked up and she didn’t know how to unfuck us.”
Oh.
He was talking about his mom.
“It wasn’t her fault,” I said.
“I know. But you’re not her. You bounce around and don’t say bad words, unless you’re seriously fuckin’ pissed, and you smile easy, but you got spine, you got grit, you don’t back down, you look after those who are yours. You go right to the mat for them.”
I loved it he got that from me.
“She’d do the same thing if she could, I’m sure,” I asserted.
“She would. But she couldn’t.”
This was tragically true.
“A boy, he’s supposed to look for a woman as good as his mom,” Javi said. “But I didn’t. She was dark. Not her fault. But she was dark. I searched for sunshine.”
Wet hit my eyes immediately. “That makes you feel guilty?”
“I need sunshine, Lolita.”
Even though tears were still in my eyes, I shot him the biggest smile I could muster. “Well, it’s good you found me.”
“Don’t ever mention quid pro quo again, Harlow,” he stated and pointed at the door. “You give me more than I could ever give you.”
Oh no he didn’t.
“That’s not true,” I returned.
“So I’m buying the smoothie thing,” he declared.
Oh no he didn’t!
“Javier Montoya, don’t you use your tragic past to pull stuff over on me.”
He grinned, wide and white. “Get used to it, lil’ mama.”
“Javi,” I snapped. “Javi!” I yelled as he jogged up the rest of the stairs, taking them two at a time. “I’m buying the nutribullet!” I shouted at the ceiling.
Javi didn’t reply.
Two hours later, I gave up arguing at the checkout counter and let Javi buy the nutribullet.
We got the top-of-the-line one that did both personal smoothies and acted as a blender, because of course we did.
And it was black.