Chapter 33
Chapter thirty-three
Stephanie
Gabe helped Nash load up the Jeep, and I checked our rooms for the third time. Just to be sure. My brain was running a hundred miles an hour with five hundred browser tabs open. An itchy feeling of forgetting something nagged at me.
Goodbyes were my least favourite part. The veneer of politeness felt more stark in the light of Hiram’s big reveal. Stiff hugs and polite nods were doled out with the enthusiasm of going to the dentist.
Gabe and Ivy’s cohort along with Hailey followed the three of us out to the vehicle, the kids trying to squeeze in as many last-minute conversations and hugs in as possible.
“Steph, is there anything I can do?” Ivy asked when it was her turn for a hug.
“I’m fine,” I lied because the truth was too big to come out of my mouth. My mind was too loud and messy for driveway confessions.
Her green eyes scanned my face when I pulled away. “I know you’re not.” She glanced at the small crowd milling around us and lowered her voice, “I won’t press. Not now. But call me, okay?”
I nodded, pasting on a brittle-as-spun-sugar smile. “Thanks.”
“I’m going to come see you before I go on tour again,” Hailey said, squeezing the air out of me. I loved Hailey hugs. You could feel the way she pressed the love into you. And if my emotions weren’t so numb right now, I’d probably cry.
“You’re always welcome.”
Nash helped Nana into the back seat of the Wrangler. She refused to take the front seat, and honestly, I was too tired to argue and prolong my inevitable loss anyway.
“Stephanie!”
My head snapped back towards the cabin, to where Zara hurried down the front stairs waving a purse. One that looked exactly like mine. Wow, I really was losing it. I knew I forgot something.
Zara paused a few steps away. “I think this is yours.” She held it out to me.
I rifled through the inside. Yup, that was my medication, phone, and wallet. “Thanks. Not sure how I missed this.”
Her smile was kind. “Sometimes I feel like I’d forget my head if it wasn’t already attached to me.” She laughed softly, and I couldn’t help smiling back.
“It was really nice to meet you,” I said, meaning every word.
“You, too.” To my surprise, she wrapped her arms around me in a tentative hug, like she wasn’t sure I’d welcome the gesture. But I hugged her back. Once again praying that Hiram, for all his mistakes, wouldn’t mess things up with this woman.
“I tucked a couple things in there for you.” She motioned to my bag, giving me an almost pointed look.
Huh, that was kinda weird, but I filed it away to examine later.
“Take care.” She shook Nash’s hand then wandered back towards the cabin, pausing at the door to wave before she was swallowed back into the madhouse.
“She’s nice,” Ivy commented.
“Hopefully she’ll stick around,” Hailey said with resignation.
“More like, hopefully he keeps her around,” I muttered, then threw myself into Gabe’s open arms and let his hug soothe some of my rough patches.
He didn’t say anything, just kissed the top of my head before Nash opened the passenger door for me, and I climbed inside.
As we drove down the long driveway, I waved until the passel of shadowed figures grew smaller, then vanished as we turned the corner onto the road. Leaning my forehead against the cool window, a hot tear trickled down my cheek. Then another.
This mess is all my fault.
I stumbled up the familiar worn stairs of the bungalow, lugging Nana’s suitcase.
Never in the history of the world was I so glad to be within my own four walls.
Behind me, Nash had one of my suitcases in one hand and Nana hanging off his free arm.
There wasn’t any fresh snow, but the ice hazard was no joke, although Liz or Ben had clearly salted the walkway.
Before I reached the top step, Liz flung the door open, emitting the telltale aroma of fresh sourdough.
But I couldn’t even muster up the desire to eat.
“Oh, honey.” Her voice dripped with compassion as she took me in, and I wanted to burst into tears. But I had an audience and didn’t feel like answering questions, however well meaning they might be.
So I pasted on a placid smile as Nash and Nana followed me inside. Liz took charge of Nana, hanging up her coat and ushering her into our small living room with promises of tea and dinner, while Nash disappeared back outside to grab my last suitcase.
I kicked off my boots and hung my coat on the peg.
My body was going through the motions of mundane things, but inside I was numb.
Or maybe I was feeling too much. My emotions were churning with no outlet.
I needed my knitting or a rage room. I wasn’t picky either way.
Anything to shake the pent-up-soda-bottle feeling inside me.
The framed picture of Glacier National Park on the entry wall caught my eye.
The same one Nash had seen. But when I saw it, I saw my failure.
My failure to do what I loved. The way I got lost in my head.
The fear holding me back. I scrubbed a hand over my gritty eyes, overcome with the urge to smash the glass into a million pieces. What was wrong with me?
Nash slipped back inside and silently followed me down the hall—me with Nana’s luggage, he with mine.
As we entered my room, I was hit with the keen awareness that I’d never had a man in my bedroom before who wasn’t related to me.
A quick scan relieved me that there was no embarrassing evidence.
Liz had already changed the flannel sheets and from the looks of it, dusted, leaving a flickering beeswax candle on my dresser, emitting a warm glow and a soft cinnamon aroma.
The sage-green walls with neutral accents were my sanctuary.
I didn’t love people in my room—it was my safe spot.
But somehow Nash’s presence didn’t feel like an intrusion.
Maybe because like for so much of our relationship, he’d been quietly showing up and knocking down my defenses. But I needed those walls back tonight.
Nash set the suitcases down at the foot of the double bed and faced me. “You were pretty quiet on the drive back.”
I snorted. None of us had much to say the entire trip.
Nana had tried from the back seat where she insisted on sitting, and I’d feigned sleep.
“How can you be so calm about this? This is terrible. We’re dealing with possible corporate espionage wrapped up with a bow of familial blackmail.
Hiram is going to ruin you, because of me! And—”
With quiet quickness, Nash stepped into my space, his citrusy scent washing over me.
He cupped my face with his hands, thumbs gently brushing my cheeks.
“Hiram’s choices are on him,” he growled, low and serious.
“You can’t take the blame for his decisions.
We’ll figure it out, Steph. I have a meeting with the lawyers first thing in the morning.
I promise you, this will get sorted out. ”
I swallowed hard as I met his gaze, taking in the shadowy scruff he’d let grow.
The weary lines around his eyes beneath those charming frames.
I was doing this to him. If I’d never brought him to the cabin for Christmas, never let Hiram trap me in his mind games, never proposed a fake relationship, never entertained the idea of us being real like he wanted—like I wanted.
Never asked for it to be real. For him to kiss me like he meant it in the pantry…
“I should just quit,” I whispered. “I’m more trouble than this is worth. If I leave, there goes his leverage.”
Nash’s dark eyes flashed. “If you leave, he wins.”
“Then fire me!” I cried, shoving his hands away. “Do something to make him think I don’t matter to you! He’d believe it since I don’t matter to him. Why would I matter to anyone?”
Nash shook his head, running a hand through his hair.
The chaotic strands would be comical if this wasn’t so serious.
“I can’t do that,” he said patiently. “And you brought me to your family Christmas. Talk about conflicting messages. Besides, I’m not a convincing liar, and you mean too much to me for me to lie about it. ”
My body sagged with exhaustion, but my limbs vibrated with tension.
I hadn’t slept well since the news dropped.
I was emotionally, mentally, and physically drained.
And the soda-can mocktail inside of me exploded.
“I’m not worth this hassle, Nash!” I spat out.
Then the tears started because not only was I an ugly crier, I was an angry one, too.
Covering my face, I turned my back to him.
But he didn’t let me walk away. He hauled me against his chest, arms holding me fast and his hand cupping the back of my head.
I hated crying around people, even my best friends and closest family members.
To cry in front of Nash on multiple occasions now was beyond embarrassing, but also…
under the anger and exhaustion I realized I felt safe enough to cry in his presence.
The swelling ride of emotional upheaval didn’t feel so daunting encased in his steady embrace.
The walls I’d so carefully built tumbled down.
If he chose to leave like I begged, it would break me.
Worse than anything else because I loved him.
I loved him. But was loving me worth the risk of him losing everything?
When the tears lessened, Nash pressed a kiss to my hair.
“I need you to trust me,” he said quietly.
“And I need you to hear me. You matter, Stephanie Addams. To me. And to a lot of other people. I’m not going to leave you because it’s convenient to avoid discomfort or would make my life easier.
I’m staying because you are worth staying for. ”