14. Chapter 14
Chapter 14
Vatok
As I stand before her, the familiar pang of longing hits me, sharp as a static shock. I grit my teeth, stopping myself from meaningless words that may only worsen the moment. Julie's the same as I remembered, except she doesn't have the energy she always seems to hold.
Sometimes, I envy humans. They only have two hands to pay attention to and make sure they don't do weird things, while I have four hands to be mindful of.
I take a breath, fighting to get some air into my lungs despite the storm of questions swirling in the air between us. I didn't expect to run into her even though I remember this street. Or... Maybe I subconsciously wanted to be here. I picked this zone to patrol. Here is where I ran into her, that may be the first time we met outside of the bar when I'm not a patron there and she's not a bartender.
“Julie...” My voice comes out hoarse, which may be partly a reflection on how my days have been meh, to say the least since we ended what we may have. I want to be steady; traits I’ve mastered as an officer. Yet, facing her, I feel like a rookie at his first training session. It’s infuriating how easily she turns my world upside down.
She offers a tentative smile. “What gives?”
The air grows thick, saturated with unsaid words. I can’t bring myself to tell her that I almost lost my way in my own thoughts while going over my patrol route, triggered by every street corner echoing with her laughter. “That’s my question for you, too.” My voice inadvertently bears a note of seriousness, the weight of our last conversation still pressing upon me.
In the back of my mind, lingering traces of our last interactions remind me of both the distance we agreed upon and the undeniable pull that draws us back together. This street, this moment... The memories lacing it are heavy, sweet, and terrifying. My professional demeanor clashes violently with the emotions bubbling just beneath my skin.
I take a breath, letting the cool air rush in to steady my racing heart. “I’m on patrol, but...”
“But what?” she asks.
I glance around, checking for passersby.
I suppose I have a moment. Talking to her about our relationship deserves more than a moment, but maybe that's all I can afford, at least for now. “But... let’s not make this a habit,” I finally manage to say, a half-hearted attempt at reclaiming my control, though I know my resolve is crumbling.
Julie’s smile falters slightly, the brightness dimmed by the weight of my words. “Look,” she continues, her tone shifting, softening. “We agreed that we were just meant to be pretending, but I can’t keep that going after I saw what we could have. You felt it too. Didn’t you? There were times when I wasn't sure what was real anymore.”
“Of course, I felt it. But I worry it’s just... complications waiting to happen. You deserve someone who can match your energy, and I—”
“Are you afraid of what could be, or is this just an excuse to push away the connection we had? I know it all started as a fake one, but our connection... Are you sure that it remained fake?” The fiery determination in her eyes dispels the chill of earlier uncertainty, igniting a warmth within me.
“I don’t want to hurt you." I spread my arms to the side. "Look, I... I'm not that good as a mate. As you can see, I can't be there with you when you need me. And..."
A beat of silence stretches between us. Slowly, she moves closer, the warmth of her presence wrapping around me like a soft embrace. "Are you thinking that you need to be with me all the time? Every single second?"
"Isn't that what mates do for each other? I promised to help and protect you, yet..."
“Yet what?” There's a fierce spark in her eyes, a reminder of the passion that once danced between us like a humming engine.
“I don’t know if I can handle that. What if I fail you? What if I can't be there and something happens? I'd be such a bad mate. It’s exhausting just... being this torn.” My hands clench into fists at my sides as I acknowledge the fear creeping beneath my skin. This is worse than being an officer who is tasked with protecting others. This is Julie and she feels different. "And I don't know whether you mean it or not. Or maybe we were still pretending, but... I mean, I can feel our connection and... something like that."
She muses. "I can see that. I do think we've gone a lot further than pretending to be mates. Also, just so you know, even after we become mates, or you find someone else, you won't and don't have to be with them all the time. One would wonder how others have mates who work a different job, huh?"
I blink at that. Logically, I know she's right, but that doesn't sit well with me.
“I know they can. But this... with us, it’s different. I don’t want to be the reason something goes wrong for you. Just imagining you meeting those creepy ones because I couldn't be there... Maybe there'll be someone who can be there for you more.”
She is right in front of me. I miss her soft body in my arms. I want to hug her, but that can't be the right thing to do. My arms itch to hug her, yet I fight to keep them by my side. I fix my hair, belt, baton, and watch.
Julie’s gaze softens. "Look, you don't need to be with me through my shifts. You're making it hard on yourself. I know you want to help me, but even just existing for two beings' worth of working hours can't work in the long term. Even on your shifts, it will eventually end. You're making everything too consuming for your own good."
Is that the case?
I rub my eyes as tiredness creeps up at me. Maybe that means taking extra shifts just so I can keep my mind busy isn't the right thing to do either. My boss didn't let me take up everything either, which I didn't argue with.
She comes over and hugs me. I grab her at once, wrapping my arms around her waist, and pull her head to my chest, not wanting to waste the moment. She lets out a soft moan and pats my back. "I miss this. It's not all or nothing, Vatok. In the bar, I have the bouncer there to help if something really bad happens. And I can have you in my mind to help even though you can't be there with me through every shift. Imagine before I asked for help, huh? The creepers remain and we can only do our best."
"Does that mean I should have never helped? The result seems to be the same."
She pulls back from my chest and hisses at me, sending my inside tumbling. "Stop the silliness. I was trying to handle that differently, which didn't turn out to be driving away everything annoying. but now here we are, with a chance to give our relationship a real try."
I watch her, even though my guts scream at me to give us a try, and my arms twitch to hold her, I don't know... "Julie, I really care about you and I think you should be with a better male than me."
She scowls. "I don't understand you. Just because you think that you can't be there with me every single second of the day, you decided you will not even be in a second of my life? Your ass didn't even have the courage to talk to me face to face, arms to arms."
I swallow. Now that she puts it this way... It sounds like I did make a mistake.
I remain quiet as my thoughts get noisy. I want to be with her but at the same time... Even though she said that it's impossible to fail her, it still feels like I may not be the right being for her.
She sighs. “Does that mean you don't want to try? I miss the way we connected, the way you understood me in a way no one else has. It wasn’t just some fleeting moment. I think we’re stronger than the odds stacked against us. Don’t you see that?”
"I do want to try, but I can't help but fear the potential fallout. I feel like I'm trying to balance everything without falling apart."
Julie's expression softens. “You've thought that I'm crazy, right? How about this? We'll just jump and see where we land. No one's dying. And... I miss our time together, even though it won't be every single second of the day. Trust me a bit more. I can handle myself without you, big guy. Don't think of yourself as a super being.”
I take a breath again. This time, I think I'm ready. Maybe she has a point. Our relationship may fail, but if I don't give it a try, I'd always think about the what-ifs.