Chapter 5 - Berserk #2
I look at the bandages that are also around my wrist and my knee.
She’d given me a painkiller before she started wrapping, and it had kicked in fairly quickly.
Whatever connection Dominik has in pharmaceuticals is well worth whatever investment he made.
I couldn’t afford this kind of healthcare even if I sold my organs.
“Not much I could do like this.”
“I would be very careful. I have a strong suspicion that you have one or two bruised ribs. Can’t do much about those, but the salve will help a lot.”
Tanisira approaches, looking wary as Khrys helps me get dressed with a proficient hand.
When I’m clothed, slightly out of breath, Khrys points a strong finger at the captain.
It’s a vaguely threatening gesture, which surprises me considering their hierarchical roles.
Then again, I wouldn’t say that Tanisira strikes me as power-hungry.
It seems to me that she prefers to get on with it, with minimal fanfare.
“You get some sleep,” Khrys orders.
Tanisira’s expression softens, just the tiniest amount. “I will.”
“You said that yesterday, yet I found you draped over a console on the bridge this morning.”
“Time got away from me,” she shrugs.
I don’t know whether she means literally or figuratively but I dislike the idea of Tanisira passing out on the bridge while I’m holed up in her quarters.
She helps me off the bed with a gentle grip on my hips, and all my thoughts are strangled in surprise.
No wince, no grimace, not so much as a wobble at the distribution of my weight.
I don’t think I’ve ever been picked up so casually before.
It does something funny to my chest—or maybe that’s the bruised rib.
We leave Khrys behind to strip the bed I was just sitting on. I don’t know how the salve works, but I’d been getting so increasingly woozy that I don’t realise where we are until we’re standing right outside a passenger cabin.
Vee takes my hand and says, in a barrage of excitement, “You’ve got to see my room.”
I thought he was being generic, but I’m proved wrong when he swipes the door open and pulls me along.
The cabin is his. The walls are decorated with holo-posters of Vee’s favourite bands, gamers and athletes, shimmying in looped movements.
It’s about the same size as Tanisira’s cabin, but there is a considerable amount of furniture, including a Dreamframe and a holo-hub that takes up one whole wall.
Right by the bed is a small walk-in closet, the door ajar and already spilling a plethora of clothes in all colours of the rainbow.
Despite my earlier fatigue, I’m now violently awake.
This is proof that Dominik didn’t just decide to take Vee on a whim. This was planned. The journey itself might have been last minute, but he must have been cooking this up beforehand. One of the posters is signed to Vee. Rage swells in my throat.
It’s too much excitement for my rapidly waning body. I list a little, but a hand at my elbow prevents me from face-planting. I’ve never been lightheaded with anger before. I shoot Tanisira a thin smile, but it doesn’t fool her. In fact, much like in the medical bay, she looks extremely unimpressed.
“You need rest.”
Vee is busy rummaging through one of his piles, so I turn to her. “Has Kit got that list ready yet? What’s happening?”
“She’s limited by the loss of sensors, but don’t worry about that right now. You can barely stand, and the aches will get worse when the healing starts. The itching alone will drive you insane.” Her eyes are dark with disapproval. “Let me show you to a cabin of your own.”
I cast a look at our surroundings. “Of my own?”
Here, the harsh expression slips a little. “Not your own, but one you can stay in.”
I laugh humourlessly but Vee distracts us, running over with a child sized flight suit.
There’s a patch with his name on it, as well as a logo for the Midas.
Something in my head seems to come loose.
I don’t see red—I don’t know if I can even describe the sensation accurately—but I suddenly want to smash everything in sight.
I inhale sharply, so incandescent with anger that not even the pain of my diaphragm against my ribs can ease it. A brief dizziness overcomes me.
“Mum?” The light in Vee’s eyes is no dimmer for my lack of enthusiasm.
“I think...I need to go lie down,” I say faintly.
Concern blooms, and he throws the suit at the bed before hugging me so gently it’s like the whisper of a touch. “Okay. Will you be near me?”
I glance at Tanisira, who’s watching me closely, for the answer. She nods. “Just two cabins down.”
I kiss Vee on the forehead, let him squirm a little, and then leave him to his games. Tanisira leads me to a neighbouring cabin, ushering me inside. I’m hanging on by a thread. My insides vibrate so hard that I expect to blow apart any second now.
“Harvey can’t hear you in here.”
I’m surprised to find Tanisira standing close, looking down at me.
A frown carves its way across my forehead, but she isn’t being judgmental.
I nod, thoughtlessly shoving my good hand through my hair.
It’s an absolute nest at this point and my hand gets stuck in the tangles and something in me just cracks.
The anger pours out of me—like bile, like steam, like lava.
“Fuck.” And then I scream. All my rage concentrated into one throat-scoring yell pulled deep from my soul.
Blindly—needing to feel something break, something that isn’t me—I reach out for the nearest object and launch it across the room.
The pretty vintage clock crumples against the bulkhead and flies into pieces.
Pain flares up throughout my whole body, trying to take me into pieces too, lighting me up like fireworks.
I grunt, bear it out, squeeze back tears as I struggle for breath for a long, long moment.
It hurts in all the best and all the worst ways.
The sound of destruction was satisfying, but it wasn’t enough.
I want more. Even if it hurts, I want more.
“Where’s Dominik’s cabin?” Tanisira tilts her head, and I point in the direction we came from, my hand trembling. “It’s next door, isn’t it?”
She looks into my eyes—and they must be blazing, must be absolutely unhinged—but she doesn’t flinch. Instead, she turns and leads the way without a single word. When she lets me into Dominik’s cabin, which is indeed the one between Vee’s and mine, I don’t even stop to take in the opulence.
I smash through the vintage paintings first, using my good hand to angle the frame and my good leg to drive a hole in the canvas.
The splinter of wood is like music to my ears.
I leave shards all over the expensive rug.
Dominik has a thing for vintage clocks, and there’s a much bigger one in here.
I don’t throw this one; I rip it off its fixings and stomp it to pieces.
I just go absolutely fucking berserk.
The captain leans against the door and watches me.
The existence of that flight suit is the biggest ‘fuck you’ Dominik has ever perpetrated against me.
But mostly, I’m just exhausted by everything.
It’s been years of keeping him at a distance, while both trying to foster a relationship between him and Vee and protecting my peace.
For what? I scream again in pure frustration as I smash my way through more furniture.
When I’m done, when I physically can’t exert any more energy, I collapse onto a chair and burst into silent tears.
This is so fucking humiliating.
I want to be alone, I want Tanisira to go, I want to wallow in both the physical and the psychological pain for a while.
Haven’t I earned that? It’s hard to breathe, though, so I can’t ask her to leave straight away.
Whilst I’m trying to catch my breath, each inhale like a dart in my side, she kneels at my feet, careful to avoid splinters of wood.
“Let’s get you next door. You can sleep.”
A startled laugh manages to find its way out of my mouth. Tanisira is close enough to see me wince and looks like she wants to chastise me for it.
“That’s it?” I ask.
She does that thing where she tilts her head inquisitively.
I’m beginning to realise that Tanisira doesn’t waste words when gestures or microexpressions will do.
It’s the complete opposite of how I function.
So is her preternatural sense of calm. In a way, having her nearby gives me something steady and soothing to lean on.
“Look what I’ve done to his expensive furniture, and that’s all you’re going to say?”
“It’s not my furniture.”
She surprises a laugh out of me. “Oh, fuck.” I gasp. “Don’t. Gah, that hurts.”
I think I see laughter in her eyes. “Well, it’s not. And I’m not the one who will tidy up, so it’s not my mess either.”
“He’d be furious.” I mutter, surveying the carnage.
“Would he?”
That brings my gaze snapping back to hers. From where she kneels, warm amber eyes look up at me. “Have you met Dominik?” I ask, following a suspicion that bubbles up.
“No. This was—” she hesitates. “My first trip as captain of the Midas. I would have met him on Suryavana for the first time.”
“When you handed over my son.”
She studies my face for a long, silent moment.
Something behind us crashes to the floor, and I jump so hard that my knee twinges.
I bite back a hiss, but she notices it all the same.
She always does, it seems. Despite the rigid way I began to hold myself at the mention of Vee, Tanisira takes my leg between her hands and gently straightens it out.
“I didn’t know.” She rubs the muscles either side of my knee as she speaks. Her touch starts off agonising, but she’s good with her hands, and it morphs quickly into relief. She knows where to press without having to be told, feels for the joint and eases out the stiffness.
“I was told I’d be taking Dominik’s son to Suryavana. His babysitter dropped him off—”
“Opal isn’t a babysitter.”