Chapter 15 - Glass Veins #3
With Marlowe clutching at me, it takes everything I have to resist melting into her again. “Did you sneak in here for a reason?”
She finds my hand in the dark and slides it between her legs. The moan I breathe into her neck is as obscene as it gets. It suddenly doesn’t matter why we shouldn’t do this. She wraps her legs around my waist, pressing my fingers deeper into the slick warmth of her.
“Or we could sleep...” she teases.
But really, the time for sleeping is long past.
When we’ve tired each other out but sleep is still far away, it feels wrong to call for Kit, to break this hushed moment, so I lean out of bed to turn a lamp on. Marlowe’s voice drifts out of the darkness.
“Don’t. Just, for a little bit, can we stay like this?”
I hesitate before curling back up around her. I can’t read the undertone in her voice, subdued and fragile as it is. She sounds a little lost.
“Do you want to talk about it?” I murmur into her hair.
Silence. It goes on for a while, but Marlowe eventually nods. “Can we stay like this?”
I tighten around her, one hand at her waist whilst she cushions her head on me. Her body faces away, her breath fanning across the inside of my arm.
“For as long as you want.”
Marlowe hesitates. “You’re gonna think I’m a bad person.”
Surprise jolts through me, but I don’t comment. If only she knew. If—
“Sometimes,” she whispers into the night, “I wonder who I’d be if I never met Dominik. If I’d stuck to the plan, if I... never got pregnant. Isn’t that terrible?”
I don’t reply, just burrow my face into her neck.
“I love Vee more than I thought possible. He is me, as narcissistic as that sounds. I’ve spent the last decade building a future for him. Trying to, anyway. Every decision I make is for him. He’s my whole heart. But lately, I’ve started to realise that isn’t exactly... healthy.”
Marlowe makes a sound in her throat, something like mortification, or frustration, maybe.
“He’s not supposed to be my whole heart.
I’ve spent such a long time fighting Dominik and trying to be more to Vee than my parents were to me.
I’ve blitzed any aspect of my identity that isn’t ‘Vee’s Mother’.
I left dreams behind. I left fun behind.
Don’t get me wrong; I would kill for that boy.
I regret nothing. But I forgot what it feels like to be giddy, you know?
I forgot what it feels like to want someone, without it needing to be any more complicated than that, you know?
“Dating as a single parent is tricky, but I think I made it even more of a trial than it needed to be. Every conversation was so serious. Everyone had to go under a microscope. It was exhausting, so I just gave up. In the end, there were only two things I cared about: making sure Vee was happy, and making sure Dominik didn’t hurt him.
Isn’t that such a sad existence? Imagine that for the rest of your life. ”
Suddenly, Marlowe turns into me. Her hands ghost over my face, trailing my eyes, my cheeks, my lips. Her breath follows suit, brushing over my mouth.
“Imagine not taking a chance on you,” she murmurs.
I wish I could see her right now, drink in her expression. My pulse picks up, heavy like a hammer against my glass veins. I should say something. I don’t know what, because nothing seems right. Is she taking back what she said this morning? Am I reading too much into this?
She shifts closer, pushes her body flush against mine, and presses an open-mouthed kiss to my jaw. “Imagine living with that regret forever.”
“Marlowe,” I start to say.
She kisses me quickly, cutting me off. “No. Call me valeja, please, because I lied earlier. This drawing to a close... can only hurt. It’s ending before it can even begin—how can it not?”
My heart slams into my ribcage, and I swear I taste blood. I don’t know what this is. I don’t know if it makes sense. But if Marlowe’s handing me a chance, it’s a gift, and I’m going to take it.
“Valeja,” I say. “You’re the bravest person I’ve ever known.”
Marlowe laughs once, a hint of disbelief in the sound. “You’re not serious.”
“Deadly.”
“I like you,” she says against my skin. “It makes me feel like a teenager, but I do, I like you. A lot.”
I’m glad we’re in the dark because I’m smiling, and if she feels like a teenager, then I feel like an idiot. But what a lucky idiot.
Her finger taps against the hollow of my throat. “You sneaky son of a bitch, I like you too much for only five days, I think.”
I have to bite back a laugh, finding her fingers in the dark and holding them still. “Then let’s try. You don’t have to decide right now; we won’t reach Red Horizon for at least another four days.”
There’s silence as she thinks over this, and it’s terrifying.
At least in combat, you know what you’ve signed up for, and the lines are clearly defined.
But I don’t know why Marlowe has suddenly changed her mind again, and the fear she might do so again is overwhelming if I let myself think about it.
I know I should, I know she shouldn’t have so much power over me, I know I’ve let this creature get too close.
But it’s hard to care when devastation feels this good.
I try not to let the tension bleed into my body, try not to crush her into my chest. It’s difficult. I’m surprised she can’t hear my heartbeat in the stillness of the cabin.
Marlowe sighs. “I’m scared that in those four days, I’ll be a goner. Vee and I will say our goodbyes, and I’ll hate every fucking second of knowing that’s it.”
I can’t believe I’m lucky enough to be here, that she trusts me enough to share this with me. I want to handle her worry with all the grace it deserves, but in the end, all I can do is be honest. Being cocooned in the dark helps; I don’t always have the words, but for her, tonight, I do.
“I’m scared, too. I don’t find it easy to relate to people, but here you are, burrowing deeper and deeper under my skin. I’ve never known anyone like you. And... I’m scared that once you go, I’ll never experience a connection like this again.”
This, Marlowe hears. Her breathing hitches, and her hands clutch at me. “Tee,” she whimpers.
“Yes?” I press the word into her skin, mouth along her collarbones.
“Touch me. Say that again and touch me.”