Chapter 29 Bitterness
Bitterness
I throw another designer heel at the wall.
It bounces off and joins the multicoloured pile on the floor.
This one leaves a dent in the paint and satisfaction sharpens my smile.
Later, I’ll regret damaging what was, once upon a time, the most beautiful house I’d ever seen.
Right now, Dominik’s just lucky it’s not his face.
He gave me this study in an attempt to mollify me, and many of its original features have been modernised, including the freshly painted sage walls.
Who does that to a house like this: a literal piece of history?
“Arsehole!”
I’d carted through an armful of shoes from the attached bedroom, and I dig another out of the pile now. Vee’s in his room and I’m experiencing some much-needed catharsis.
What was Tanisira thinking, showing up here?
My arm sags, and I look at the door without seeing it—remembering, instead, the taste of Tanisira mingling with my salty tears.
I couldn’t resist kissing her one last time, and though it was perfect, it was also unfair.
She shouldn’t have come. But, fuck, seeing her in that ridiculous dress did something to me; not because she looked more feminine, but because she looked so uncomfortable.
She was clearly enduring it, and she was choosing to do it for me.
Even now my heart clenches, and I drop the slingback.
I’ve lost my steam, and I just feel bone tired.
I hate everything about this. I hate that I’ve given Dominik so much control over me. The bedroom closet is filled with clothing he apparently picked for me: shoes, bags and jewellery. They’re all things I used to like.
At least he was smart enough to give me my own bedroom.
All this insanity is being framed as Dominik’s inability to move on, when I genuinely thought he had.
I’ve heard about girlfriends from Opal and seen him holographed at events with beautiful people on his arm.
He did try to talk to me on occasion, but I always shut it down.
It would then be radio silence for weeks; I didn’t take that to mean he was still in fucking love with me.
I don’t think he ever even tried to move on.
I slump against the thick, wooden desk. Mostly, I hate that only now I can see—so very clearly—the disconnect between Dominik and Vee.
Whatever he feels for his son, it’s not a strong, paternal love.
He treats Vee like an afterthought: throwing money at him and expecting it will do the job.
The three of us haven’t been in a room together since Vee was a toddler, so I’d never seen just how awkward Dominik is with him until today.
And he’s just been shouldering that burden this whole time.
How can I trust my son with a group of near strangers more than I do with his own father?
I don’t think I can subject Vee to a decade of this, but if I take him and run, he could end up back here anyway. Both scenarios are fucked. I had planned to put my head down, keep the peace, and give Dominik no reason to make good on his threat—right up until I snapped in that room downstairs.
Suddenly, the door shudders, making me jump.
“Marlowe,” Dominik shouts through the wood. The sound of his voice pisses me off all over again and does no favours for my racing heart.
“Marlowe!”
Vee’s room is in the other wing—another thing that made it clear Dominik doesn’t give a shit. Who puts their kid in the opposite wing where the guest bedrooms are? Right now, though, I’m actually glad he’s not nearby.
“Lowe, open the door.”
He’s slurring, which means I’m definitely not letting him in. Dominik’s a poor drunk, cycling between maudlin and belligerent. Right now, he sounds morose, but I have nothing to say to him either way.
“Hey, clear the hall,” he calls to someone. “Yes, you. What else am I fucking paying you for? Now!”
Of course, he can’t have anyone seeing him like this. When he next speaks, his voice comes from considerably lower down, as if he’s sitting on the floor.
“Did you fuck that captain?’
It startles me so much my head whips around, giving me awful whiplash.
Grimacing, my first instinct is to tell him to piss off.
Instead, I take a moment: both to rub my neck and to think about how I could get this to work in my favour.
I’m sick of my impulsivity getting me into trouble, and I have an opportunity to try something different.
Still, if not for the whiplash, I probably would have told him to piss off.
There was, however, no aggression in Dominik’s question. He sounded... like he actually wanted to know. I decide to play along. My back thumps against the door as I slide down it, settling into the lotus position. A responding thud tells me he might have just tipped his head back.
“Lowe. Did you?”
I hate him calling me that; it’s too close to a relationship we no longer have. He was the only one who ever shortened my name to Lowe. Everyone else calls me Mar, and Tanisira mostly calls me valeja. Her nickname makes me feel giddier than his ever did.
It’s weird and inappropriate that Dominik’s asking about my sex life, but we passed socially acceptable behaviour a while ago.
Maybe he bumped into Tanisira before she left?
I pick at my nails, considering how much I need to share to make this work—while he’s drunk and a little chatty, I might get something useful from him.
I just don’t really want to let him into my relationship with Tanisira like a dog into the truffles.
“We grew close.” A moment passes, and I continue, working hard to keep my tone neutral. “Why now? I don’t understand this.”
“Do I need a reason to want my family whole again?”
“We were never a family. And this isn’t how you go about fixing any relationship.”
“I want us to be one; what do I have to do?”
“We’re never going to be a family, and nothing you do can make that happen. I shouldn’t have to tell you not to threaten people.”
Dominik didn’t have good role models, but he has had the time and resources to address that. As far as I know, he’s never even tried. There’s just no excuse for his actions.
He grunts. “It’s the only way to get you to stay.”
“If anything, it’s the opposite.”
Three thumps against the door make me wince: he’s going to have a hell of a headache tomorrow. I hesitate, then decide to get a little personal.
“Be honest with me, Dom.”
There’s a long enough pause that I start to think it didn’t work. Then, “My dad died.”
It’s said so quietly I barely hear him. And I hate that the crack in his voice gets into my defences and makes me want to care. Biting back my immediate reply, I wait—even when he sniffles.
“You know we were never close. Even at the end, we didn’t like each other. Tell me why it hurts this much, Lowe.”
My exhalation is long and heavy. His mother left them when he was a child, and his father was a dick before but became worse after that. We never met, but Dominik always spoke about him, especially because he reached out to Dominik when Gryphon Tech took off. “Funeral?”
“Last week.”
“I’m sorry.”
There’s a scuffling noise. “Without you, I have no one.”
“You have Craig.”
His younger brother, though aloof and reclusive, is perfectly healthy. Sometimes Vee spends the day with his son, James, when they visit Neo-London.
“He couldn’t give a shit whether I’m dead or alive. If it wasn’t for Harvey, he’d never acknowledge me at all. At the funeral, he walked right past me, and I don’t even know why. You and Harvey are all I have, and you belong here with me.”
“We’re not a consolation prize. You don’t get to just pick us back up when you feel sad and lonely.”
“I’ve been trying since the day you left,” he protests.
I straighten. “What are you talking about?”
“Every time I tried to talk to you, you shut me down. Every time I booked family holidays or day trips, you declined. I even planned them for when I knew you weren’t busy—”
“That means nothing! You sued me for custody.”
“If I didn’t, I’d never see you.”
“You subjected me to one of the worst periods in my life because you were feeling left out?” I think I’m too shocked to be angry. Yet. There’s something chewing at the edge of my conscience, waiting for me to notice it.
“Can you open the door, please? I want to explain.”
“Ten years?”
Dominik hesitates. “Yes. I tried, Lowe. Every time you were seeing someone new, it made me physically sick, and I’d try to move on. It didn’t work.”
But I’m not hearing what he’s saying anymore because my brain is stuck on ‘every time you were seeing someone new’ and I can’t move on either.
There’s absolutely no reason why he would know when I’d been seeing anyone, let alone several people.
I’ve never discussed those people with Vee and I sure as fuck didn’t tell Opal.
Those dates didn’t ever go anywhere, so Dominik shouldn’t know about them.
My lungs suddenly feel too small, and I have to stand up so I can take a full breath. All the hair on the back on my neck is on end, and I think I might scream if Dominik just admitted what I think he did.
“What someone?” I ask, with a surprisingly steady voice. “Who were these people that made you so sick?”
Dominik snorts. “I didn’t make a habit of learning their names. You went through them like sweets.” Then he realises he’s fucked up, and there’s a hitch in his breathing that tells me all I need to know. “Vee always told me.”
“Oh, my fucking God.” My eyes widen. “Have you been following me?”
“Of—”
“I never tell Vee about my dates. You’d know this if you ever bothered to talk to him. Are you fucking following me? Don’t answer that, I’m gonna throw up.”
I press a hand to my forehead, which feels feverish. I’ve never noticed anyone too familiar or suspicious around me, but Dominik can afford anything. I stare at the door and steel myself. “Answer me. Are you having me followed?”
“Occasionally, yes.”
My stomach sinks, but my anger rises as I process the violation.