Tethered

Chapter 31 Tainted #2

A lift takes us down thirty floors and spits us out into a balmy day alive with the buzz of city life.

Tanisira touches a hand to my waist and guides me down a quiet path to the right, but she drops it almost immediately.

I know she’s not the physical affection in public type, and I try not to take it personally, but it stings anyway.

For a few minutes, we walk in silent companionship.

Maglevs and hovercars zoom past, and the sound of children playing nearby drifts over.

It’s a residential area, and identical buildings rise above us in every direction.

They’re tall and wide, slightly curved like crescents and staggered in a grid that probably makes sense from above.

The walls and balconies are covered with greenery, and they all feature expansive windows.

It makes sense considering where Mars sits in the solar system; the days are dimmer.

Apparently, the dome concentrates the brightness a little but it’s nowhere near the intensity of the sun on Telluria.

I glance at Tanisira out of the corner of my eye.

She’s not watching where she’s going, staring at her feet instead.

A slight frown puckers her brow. Her hands are in her pockets, but I know they’re tense.

I wish I could just reach out and take hold of one; two days ago, I would have been able to without thinking about it.

She likes to be touched, even if she finds it hard to initiate something as simple as holding hands.

It’s effortless to me, not so much to her.

Now, everything feels different—wrong.

I want to bridge the chasm between us, and it is up to me.

Tanisira has shown me, again and again, how much she cares about me; all I’ve done is hesitate and push her away.

I’m scared that I’ve ruined whatever we had.

If it turns out that Tanisira’s only being kind to me now until we get back to Telluria, I don’t know how I’ll survive that heartache—if it turns out that she no longer wants me. Us.

Tanisira seeks redemption for her past. What if she’s only determined to get me home because it’s the right thing to do?

I just need to ask her where we stand.

No—I need to be brave and tell her I want to give this a shot.

I open my mouth and slam it shut again. Two more times because I’m an idiot, and then I finally blurt, “Where’s Mae?”

As soon as it’s out, I squeeze my eyes shut and exhale slowly. What. The. Fuck. I didn’t even mean it; I don’t care about Mae.

Tanisira halts. It takes me a moment to realise that I’m now ahead of her, but I force myself to turn and face the consequences. Her glare is so potent that I actually step back.

“Where’s Mae?” she echoes.

My hands fly up in defence. “I know. That was fucking stupid.”

She shakes her head. I wince. She looks exhausted, and my fear doubles because I’m scared that I really am pushing her away.

“I messed up, Tee.”

“Which time?”

“I deserve that. I don’t care about Mae; it just slipped out. I really appreciate her help, actually. I’m...” Floundering for the right words, panic makes it hard to focus. The tips of my fingers are numb and my heart pounds. “Trying. I just—I’m just—”

Why is this so hard? I inhale shakily, trying to push through that calcified barrier of bone and blood and tears that built up around me after every painful moment as a child.

I hate being vulnerable; I hate letting anyone see the mess inside me.

I hate that I always ran from the difficult things, and now I don’t know how to be honest with Tanisira.

I’d rather cut myself open physically than do it emotionally, and now I can’t even tell her how I feel.

That I’m afraid she’ll realise there’s nothing in me worth fighting for.

That my whole life boils down to my ten-year-old, and I don’t know if I’m enough for her on my own.

That I’ve been a disappointment my whole life, and I can’t bear to be a disappointment to her, too.

“I’m scared,” I force out, wishing I could make myself look up. I feel sick, and I need this to be over, but Tanisira’s expression has the potential to undo me. “You have every right to be done with me.”

“Done with you?”

The paving stones beneath her feet are a soft, mottled grey and meticulously laid. On either side of the path, grass waves in the breeze, forming a neatly arranged audience. Some distance away, a football lies forgotten on the street.

“Marlowe, is that what you think?”

I think it was so much easier to tell Tanisira how I felt when I thought we’d part ways at Red Horizon. I think it’s about time I stop using Vee as an excuse to never do the scary thing. I think it’s time I stop hiding.

Tanisira’s expression is indecipherable when I finally drag my gaze up, which is so much worse. Her arms are down by her side, so at least her body language isn’t closed off. My stomach flip-flops anyway, but I push past it. If I don’t say this now, I never will.

“I hope not, because I’m not done with you. I kind of don’t ever want to be.”

Her face softens, as much as it can with that villainous eyebrow. I can’t stand this; skin unzipped, exposing all the disgusting viscera that makes me human—hoping that it’s not too much for a woman who’s had to deal with so many other people’s shit.

“You think I wear heels just for anyone?” Tanisira says, proving I sometimes make good choices.

My exhale is part relief, part laughter.

I wouldn’t have blamed her for making me work harder, but she’s a good person, whether she believes that or not.

She isn’t cruel, despite everything that’s been thrown at her.

I launch myself at her, and she doesn’t miss a beat; forms tight bands around me with her arms. Inhaling that familiar scent, I melt and bury my face into her chest because letting her see my tears would be too much.

I don’t know how long we stand there, but I do eventually stop crying. She strokes a hand down my spine, and I tilt my head back to meet her eyes. They’re warm and understanding, and I can’t believe I ever thought she was the bad guy.

“I know you’d rather not stay here,” I say. “We can go to your ship instead. I feel much better after that nap and the police know Vee’s with us.”

Tanisira breathes out slowly. “I actually like seeing you two around my family. For so long, I couldn’t imagine coming home—not with those memories. This is implanting new ones.”

Oh. I try my hardest not to grin at her stupidly. “Do you think you could ever live here again?”

There’s a pause whilst Tanisira contemplates this. “Maybe. I wouldn’t bet on it, but it’s no longer inconceivable.”

“Your Nayya’s really good with Vee. She’s lovely, and so is Kiran.”

She hums, and the sound vibrates through me. “They’re good people. After everything that happened with the Raat-Sarpa, I almost felt too... tainted... to come back home.”

I pat her cheek gently. “It was a good excuse, anyway.”

Tanisira sputters. Her hair is back in its customary bun, but I wish it were still loose down her back so I could sink my hands into it. Instead, I take hold of her hand and interlace our fingers.

“I don’t know how long the investigation will take. The police told me not to leave the planet for now, though.”

“Hmm,” Tanisira purses her mouth briefly.

“Law enforcement here is more efficient than you’re used to; we just don’t have the same amount of crime to tie everything up into knots.

Plus, considering who they’re investigating, they’ll want to wrap it up quickly.

I imagine it shouldn’t take more than a few days. ”

I chew on my lip. A few days, and all our things are at the Gryphon Manor—not that I had much—but Vee will want his stuff, and I can grab all the RIND shots I know Dominik has stashed.

Tanisira must read my mind because she kisses my temple and says, “If you ask, they’ll send an officer to escort you so you can pick up your belongings.”

I bury my face into her neck again, just so overcome with the need to feel close to her after the past few days.

“Then what? I come back here?” I ask.

“If you want to.”

I push at her chest. “Do you want me to?”

She quirks that eyebrow at me, but her eyes are sparkling. She looks so much like Yimirisé, it’s uncanny. I wonder if, when Yimirisé looks at Tanisira, she sees all the pain and the guilt that lives in her.

“Yes, you come back here. Vee can stay behind if you don’t want to take him with you.”

“That’d be best. I wish you could, but you can’t come either.”

“I know. You’ve got this.”

The memories of my earlier breakdowns come to mind, but I ignore them. I do have this.

The kitchen looks like a flour bomb has exploded, and Vee has spinach in his hair.

Yimirisé only waves me away when I offer to clean up, mortified at the sheer amount of mess my kid can make in half an hour.

Laughing so hard she cries, Kiran steers me out of the room and into hers, where she makes me pick a new outfit from her overflowing wardrobe.

I’m flipping through the most eclectic closet I’ve ever seen when she pounces.

“Did you two kiss and make up?”

I glance at her over my shoulder. “She told you?”

“She didn’t have to.” Kiran snorts. “Not that she would have. Tanisira and I used to be close, but something changed. Now she keeps her distance.”

I did wonder why she’d called Tanisira emotionally constipated earlier when my experience with her has been anything but.

Honestly, at times, Tanisira could stand to be less truthful.

Then again, the Suryavans have a different view of honesty, so maybe in Kiran’s world Tanisira is closed off.

I inspect a beaded jumpsuit and consider my response.

“I think she just has a lot going on.”

I can practically feel Kiran’s gaze burning a hole into my shoulder blades. “Because she’s seeing you now?”

That makes me jerk around. “What? No. My drama’s only a recent thing.” I grimace. “Yesterday was a mess, but Tanisira really came through for me.”

“You should know my sister has something of a saviour complex.”

Kiran’s sweet, open face has shuttered into something more disapproving. Oh, we’re having that talk. Isn’t it supposed to be the older sibling who does this?

“I know—”

“So I hope you’re not the kind of woman who constantly needs saving, because Tani can’t help herself. Even if you tell her not to, she thinks she has to sacrifice herself for the people she loves.”

My brain skips over the idea of Tanisira loving me, but I can see the truth in Kiran’s words. Maybe in Tanisira’s mind, she’ll never be able to shrug off the mantle that was draped over her shoulders.

“I would never want to put that burden on her.”

“It’s not about want.” Kiran raises her eyebrows. “My Nayya didn’t want to rely on Tani, but she did anyway. I did too. It cemented something in her. She would never say so, but I think she resents us just as much as she loves us.”

Guilt riddles her and she makes no attempt to hide it.

Have Kiran and Yimirisé ever tried to talk to Tanisira about what happened? Have they even contemplated it, or have they just let the years pass, waiting for her to bring it up? God, they’ve tried, right?

I open my mouth to reply, but Kiran makes a slashing motion in the air as if she doesn’t need to hear anymore. I get it; in a situation like this, actions speak louder than words.

She searches my face as if she’s looking for a modicum of deceit. When she can’t find it, she springs off the bed and reaches into the closet. She gently hands me the beaded jumpsuit, the material softer than it looks.

“You should wear this. It suits your skin tone.”

“Thank you,” I say, folding it over my arm.

“You’ll have to roll the legs so it doesn’t drag,” she chuckles. “But you’re thicker than me, and your curves should take care of some of that excess material.”

I’m not dying to face Dominik looking my best, but it certainly couldn’t hurt, could it?

“Tani’s going to run errands for my Nayya, but I could use your help if you have time?”

I wasn’t planning on going to the manor until later—if the police can spare someone—so I do, in fact, have time.

“Help with what?”

Kiran whips out her slate and an unfamiliar app loads on the screen. She’s grinning as it’s replaced with a very familiar layout. Apparently, dating apps translate across the galaxy. I’m dying to see if Suryavans also write unhinged shit on their profiles.

“I don’t want you to think I’m crazy,” she says, waving the slate in the air. “But you remember how I said my ex is a piece of shit?”

I nod—a little slowly, a little worried for where this is going.

“Well, I made a profile pretending to be someone else, matched with her, and now I don’t know what to say.”

My jaw drops. “You’re catfishing your ex?”

Kiran’s eyes narrow. “Are you judging me?”

“Yes!”

Her expression immediately lightens and she grins, grabbing me by the elbow and towing me to her bed. “Good. Two crazy people is bad for business.”