Chapter 23
Cora! Ben couldn’t even swallow. He rocked from his heels and dropped his knees to the carpet.
Cora. Every thought in his head scattered to kingdom come.
Sparks exploded within, obliterating the cacophony of aches and pains.
He scrubbed his hand over his face, but nothing could wipe away his smile.
She’d kissed him. Probably out of gratitude.
He’d best get his head straight, not read too much into it.
But his heart was practically doing somersaults.
Charlie mumbled and rolled over. Ben placed his hand on the boy’s chest. Don’t wake up, please.
“Cora?” His voice dipped.
Her silken hair flayed behind her, she squeezed the pillow tighter to her head as if to block out even a hint of sound.
“Cora…” Did she really expect him to lie down and go to sleep after that without a word? He reached across the divide, his hand dangling in the air. A touch might spook her. He curled his fingers inward and withdrew.
Best keep his hands and his thoughts to himself before he scared Cora into the next county. He retreated to his side of the carpet and edged beneath his blankets one limb at a time, gritting out a couple of groans.
His heart beat like a drum as he pressed his cheek against the borrowed pillow. Cora’s pillow from her bed, scented with soap and rosewater. One deep inhale, and it was as if she, not the covered goose-feather fluff, was in his arms.
Across the carpet and on the other side of Charlie, she shifted around. Facing the wall, she burrowed deeper beneath the covers.
Regretting her action? Afraid of his reaction?
His breath roared in his ears. Just as well she had the pillow over her head. Otherwise, she might think he was having a heart attack. Where was a clear thought when he needed one? He’d never sleep if he didn’t say something.
Maybe it’d best if he acted as if the kiss hadn’t happened. He could address the real reason Cora wasn’t herself tonight. She was afraid. That’s why she was in here on the floor with him and Charlie. She needed to be comforted.
Thunder boomed. Lightning shown through tiny gaps in the chinking in the logs. The wind had blown up a storm.
Movement on the porch. His ears perked up. A rhythmic thump-thump. The rocking chair.
Cora squirmed within her burrow.
He projected his whisper. “It’s just the wind.”
She loosened her stranglehold on the pillow. Maybe she was awake.
“God will keep us safe. We don’t have to be afraid.”
She blew out a breath and rolled onto her back. “I’m not bothered by the storm.”
“The Comanche?”
Silence followed within the parlor except for Charlie’s breathing.
Cora clung onto her quilt with both hands. “It’s not always like David and Daniel. Sometimes…God allows people to get hurt or die.” Her voice sounded small in the dark.
How many men and friends had he lost in the war, Jeb the best among them?
Men who’d never see home again. But that wasn’t what Cora needed to hear tonight.
He raised up on his forearm. “You’re right.
But I don’t believe he brought me to Texas to have one of us die.
We have to trust He will protect us and work everything out for the best. That you…
that we’re done with grieving.” If only he could engrave such faith onto his heart and never waver.
Cradling an arm beneath her head, she rolled to face him across the distance. “I don’t trust easily.”
I’ve noticed. “I understand.”
She whispered, “I admire your faith.”
He sniffed back a snort. His faith was riddled with holes.
He’d prayed for the Lord’s healing. From his battlefield and Andersonville memories, from the nightmares, from the cravings for laudanum.
Would he ever be the man he’d once been?
Even now, the thirst for the medicine throbbed in the back of his mind.
A half dose, even a few drops, would take the edge off the pain and settle his stomach.
And forever lose him the respect he’d fought so hard to gain.
“My faith is patched together.” He rubbed his thumb across the soft linen of the pillow.
His eye throbbed, and so did his lip. His whole body ached, but none of that mattered.
Cora had kissed him. “Your courage and determination are two qualities I admire about you. Your love for Charlie, and the way you came back out here to make a life for you and him.”
She sniffed. “Most of the folks in town would call me foolhardy.”
“No. It’s just that it’s a huge undertaking for two.” Dare he venture such a prospect? “You need a…partner.”
She pushed up on an elbow. “Temporarily. Until you get us on our feet. You…have a life back in Philadelphia.”
He blew out his cheeks. Entanglements, not a life. “Is that where you want me to go?” He fought to temper the words into an honest question, not an accusation. “Back to Pennsylvania?”
She bunched the quilt in her hand. “I don’t know.”
He should shut his mouth. But more words spilled forth. “Because that’s not what I want. I’m going to write the letter I should have written weeks ago. I’m going to break my betrothal to Olivia.” As if that were his only tie there, and not his promise to his father.
Her breath caught.
Rain pattered on the roof.
The quilt slipped from her shoulders. “I won’t allow you to sacrifice yourself for me and Charlie. If you’re saying this because of Wolf Heart, we’ll find another way. Charlie and I can look after ourselves after you help us get the ranch up and running. We’ll move into town if we have to.”
Give up on her dream? Was she afraid of burdening him, or just afraid of him, period? Maybe the kiss had been all gratitude, and she couldn’t wait for him to depart. But he couldn’t accept that. “It wouldn’t be a sacrifice. I have no intention of marrying a woman I don’t love.”
She bit her lip. “You’re talking about Olivia?”
“I was wrong to propose to her.”
She rubbed the quilt edge between her thumb and forefinger. “Why did you?”
Why did he? He ran his hand over his hair and exhaled.
How had he gotten himself into talking about this?
He could tell her it was none of her business.
But that wasn’t true, not if he hoped to win her affection.
“I thought I was in love with Olivia when we first courted. And I probably was.” That sure made him sound steadfast and faithful.
His stomach clenched. “But when I returned from war in 1865, I wasn’t the same man.
I acted as if everything was as it had been, in hopes that it would be again.
I sought to fulfill expectations, but I was only going through the motions.
” That and too many hours spent in each other’s arms. Too much laudanum soaking his brain and dulling his heart.
“On the eve of our betrothal announcement, I realized I couldn’t do it.
I had a promise to keep to Jeb, and if I failed at that, I wouldn’t forgive myself.
Coming to Texas to keep that promise felt like the first real thing in my life since I was taken prisoner. ”
Her brow furrowed. Tracing a line on the carpet with her finger, she cast her gaze to the floor. “Love is risky.”
“Yes.”
“And scary.”
His swallow stuck in his throat. “In what way?”
“My mother married for love.”
He ground his molars. A mistake. A pain shot from his injured jaw deep in his skull. He’d had enough of being compared to her father. He strove for a neutral tone, but his words came out with a bite. “Did you ever ask your mother if she had it to do over again what she would have done?”
She flinched.
He should shut his mouth, but he pushed up to his feet. “Are you going to give up on love? The real question isn’t what your mother did or didn’t do. It’s what you are going to do. Are you going to allow your father to rule your life beyond the grave?”
Her hand clenched in her lap. “How dare you?”
“Because I care about you. Because I want to court you.” Because I love you. He spread his hands wide, then let them drop to his sides.
She gaped at him.
His stomach knotted again. He needed air.
Pivoting, he strode into the hallway, slipped the front door key from the doorjamb, and inserted it in the lock.
Coming up from behind him, she grabbed his arm. “What are you doing?”
“Getting some air.”
“You can’t. It’s not safe.”
“They’re gone. No one’s out in the storm.” The lock clicked, and he opened the door to a bluster of wind. Rain smacked him in the face and pelted his shirt. The branches of the oak waved like a madman. Lightning struck the ground beyond the palisade.
Cora tugged him from the threshold and shut the door. “I don’t want you going.”
“I was only looking out. Not leaving.”
Strands of damp hair clung to her face. Droplets dripped from her chin to her chemise and shawl. Beautiful, wounded doe eyes stared up at him. “You’re the most stubborn, hard-headed man I know.” She shivered.
“I’m sorry I lost my temper.” His voice dipped. “It’s been a rough night. Not a time for confrontation.”
Rubbing her hands over her arms, she stepped closer, her toes within inches of his. “Jeb meant the world to me. He and I were close. Best friends.”
Was that loss another layer further encasing her heart? “I know his leaving hurt you a lot,” he whispered across his swollen lip. “He regretted—”
She held up her hand. “Jeb gave me many things and did so much for me over the years.” She swallowed. “But you…are the best thing Jeb ever did for me.”
His eyebrows shot up.
Tears filled her eyes. “I don’t want you to go.”
The long, drawn-out last word resonated down to his knees and made his legs wobble. He touched a fingertip to the fringe on her shawl, then nudged a strand of hair from her eyes with his knuckle.
He wrapped his arms around her and nestled her to his chest. Soft curves pressed against him. It was all he could do to keep his hands still and his lips to himself. “There’s no other place on this earth I want to be. No other girl I want to court.”
He could not fail her. He would not fail her.