20
Zander
Claws Come in All Shapes and Sizes
“THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT,” I GRUMBLED as Colin inspected his newly purchased chopping board. “I should never have agreed to come here with you. My plan was to covertly watch from a distance. Not shop where she could see me.”
“Are you saying I took advantage of your sleep-deprived state at the hospital this morning and coerced you into doing something against your will?” He smirked. “Do you wish to make a formal complaint? Perhaps tell the girl you’re crushing on that—”
“Quiet.” I narrowed my eyes. “You said you’d hold your tongue.”
If it hadn’t been for my security cameras alerting me to Sailor packing her car like she did most weekends for the market, I wouldn’t have known she was here. I’d logged in on a coffee break at five a.m., my cameras sending me a motion alert. I’d watched for a while, my chest swelling with pride at how brave she was. She’d also made my heart clench a few times as she sat on her doorstep and hugged her knees, swiping away tears and fighting back her panic.
I’d made a stupid comment to Col that I was going to watch her at the market after work, and he’d invited himself along.
“Did I? I don’t remember saying that.” He chuckled. “You’re unfairly accusing me. I have every right to defend myself. What do you think, Christina? Did I do the friendly thing by dragging your older brother out of the hospital after a fifteen-hour stint to ensure he sees the sun and buys some homemade goodies, or did I overstep my boundaries?”
Christina—my sister who’d had a bad breakup and hated the fact that she’d recently turned twenty-eight—laughed under her breath. “Don’t ask me. I’m not getting on Zan’s bad side.”
“But you’re happy for me to take all the blame. Harsh.”
Christina stared at him for a second too long. She tucked her long hair behind her ear.
“She’s not interested, you fool,” I muttered. “I’ve told you this.”
Colin pouted. “Really?” He fluttered his eyelashes at my sister. “You sure I can’t tempt you back into the dating pool? I promise I don’t bite.”
“How do you know that I don’t?” Christina crossed her arms.
Colin laughed out loud.
I didn’t appreciate them flirting right in front of me. “Stop that. Both of you.”
Colin fired back, “Only if you stop giving yourself blue balls by texting this woman.”
“I said quiet ,” I hissed, looking over my shoulder, just in case someone—Sailor—heard.
“Say what?” Christina frowned. “You’re seeing someone, Zan? I thought you’d chosen the monk lifestyle.”
“He’s definitely watching someone. Aren’t you, Zander?” Colin winked. “He’s very, very good at watching.”
My fingers curled into a fist.
Would I be arrested if I punched my best friend’s face in the middle of a busy market?
Christina looked back and forth between us. “I don’t get it.” Rolling her eyes, she shrugged. “And I don’t wanna know. I’m off browsing. See ya.”
“Call me!” Colin yelled after her. His gaze tracked her as she weaved around other people. It was his fault she’d joined us in the first place. He’d spotted her as we’d headed into the market and practically begged her to tag along.
“And you say I need to get laid,” I huffed. “As your friend, I understand your interest in Christina. She’s smart, funny, and sensible. But as her brother, I’m warning you…she isn’t one-night stand material.”
“Who said anything about a one-night stand?” He scratched his jaw where a five o’clock shadow had come in. We’d both pulled an all-nighter. I’d been in the ER, and he’d had a patient who’d developed difficulties after amputation surgery. “I’m looking for the same thing you are.” He dropped a bit of his swagger. “I just want to have someone to care for and have them care about me, that’s all.”
As much as I appreciated him opening up to me—most likely running on exhaustion and craving the comfort of going home to someone—I had my own problems. With Christina gone, I could share them.
Shoving my phone in his face, I hissed, “She saw me. That’s why this is all your fault. All the progress Sailor has made today, thanks to X, has taken a flying leap out the goddamn window because of me. That’s how toxic I am to her. I should go over there right now and tell her who I am so I don’t destroy her even more.”
Colin skimmed my inbox, no doubt lingering on the slightly more suggestive messages. I still felt guilty for those. “You need to stop talking about yourself from X’s POV,” he said. “If the lies come toppling down, you don’t want her to have too many instances when you actively kept up the ruse. As long as you have a plausible reason for why you approached her this way, she can find a way to forgive you. But the more you back-stab yourself, the more explaining you’ll have to do.”
“Christ, this is getting completely out of hand.”
“I agree.” Grabbing my wrist, he dragged me through the crowd back the way we came. “Let’s go see if we can fix it.”
“Wait, what?” I yanked on his hold. “What are you doing?”
“Helping.” His fingers dug into me, pressing on the faded welts left behind by Sailor’s scratches when I’d slapped my hand over her screams.
Every time I thought about touching her, my body tightened in ways it shouldn’t. For four days—as we texted as casual friends about nonsense with the occasional check in on her mental health—I’d fought the very real, very awful craving that was becoming far too insistent to deny.
I wanted her.
I didn’t just want to protect her or keep her safe. I wanted her. In my arms. My bed. My heart.
And while X existed, I couldn’t.
But while Zander existed, she would never talk to me the way she did with X.
It’d been a stroke of pure luck that I’d snapped a photo of her stirring her cauldron of whatever she’d been making when I’d been called into work yesterday. I knew she’d probably heard my car leaving, and if I stopped texting her as X the moment Zander left…that could connect a few dots that couldn’t be connected.
I’d sent her a photo that was only ever meant to be for me. A photo of her by the window that I’d taken a few minutes before I’d been summoned to work. I’d hoped she was still there in that exact position—still stirring and staring into the garden. If she was, then she’d assume I’d just taken the pic and would never wonder.
I liked to think I’d been pretty clever and she’d bought it, but who the hell knew for sure?
With anxiety bubbling in my gut, I tried to untangle Colin’s grip. “Let go of me.” I managed to pry his fingers off just as we almost bashed into the long table with its white runner, neat little pyramids of bottles, and numerous postcards listing old-fashioned remedies for different ailments.
“Zander!” Lily beamed. “Lovely to see you out and about. And who’s this?”
“This is Colin,” Colin said with an idiotic bow. “I work with Zan.”
“Oooo, another doctor. Be still my beating heart.” Lily’s laugh cut through the hum of passersby voices, whipping Sailor’s head to face us. She moved in slow motion—her sandy blonde hair flicking over her shoulder, her blue eyes widening with fear, her lips parting with shock.
I had a prime position to see her hard-won happiness bleed into the shadows of the past.
Goddamn you, Colin.
Colin ignored that Sailor looked as if she’d bolt out of the tent and waved. “Hey, Sailor. How’re things?” He reached across the display and held out his hand. “I’ve seen you around but never officially been introduced. I’m Colin Marx.”
My throat mimicked the desert. My heart gave up and played dead in my chest.
I couldn’t say a word as Sailor swallowed hard and moved to join us. The table kept us separated, but the soft scents of blossom, vanilla, and other fragrant flowers permeated the air.
Ever so slowly as if stealing herself, Sailor accepted Colin’s handshake. “Hi, Dr Marx. You’re right. I’ve seen you popping by to see Alexander a few times.”
“Call me Colin, please.” He arched his thumb at me. “And call that one Zan. It’s better than that other mouthful.”
Breaking the handshake, she forced a smile. “Not sure we’re familiar enough for me to call him nicknames.”
“Oh, I dunno.” Colin winked. “I think you might be more familiar than you think.”
I elbowed him in the gut. Hard.
Sailor flinched as if my ‘friendly’ punishment was more like a mortal blow.
My entire back prickled with the urge to leave and never come back. I hated seeing her eyes turn flat instead of sparkly. I hated the way her entire demeanour folded inward, making herself as small as possible.
My hands balled.
If I ever got near Milton, I’d definitely be done for murder.
I despised what he’d done to her. I hated seeing her this way when it wasn’t her. I needed to rip him apart with every prehistoric beast inside me.
“So…what brings you guys to the market?” Lily asked, dragging my attention from Sailor. The moment I stopped looking at her, she tripped backward and rubbed her chest with the heel of her hand as if fighting a panic attack.
Unlike the night I’d heard her screaming, I couldn’t grab her in a hug.
All I could do was get far away from her. To give her the space she needed because I represented all her worst moments.
“I, eh, I just remembered I…” Any believable lie flew out of my head. With a grunt, I pushed my glasses up my nose, turned around, and marched away from Sailor’s stall as quickly as possible.
* * * * *
“Where are you?” I barked into my phone. “I’m waiting to drive you home, seeing as you made me your chauffeur.”
“Oh, sorry! I’m already back at my place. Your sister kindly gave me a lift. You didn’t tell me we lived so close to one another.” Colin laughed. “Besides, I didn’t know if you were sticking around to switch from Clark Kent to Superman.”
My fingers tightened around my cell phone. “Can you drop the jokes, Col? Didn’t you see how badly she reacted toward me? It’s not a laughing matter.” Sighing heavily, I hated that my stress made me snappy. “Sorry, man. I’m just…yeah, I’m struggling with this. I don’t mean to take it out on you.”
“You’re fine. I like you grouchy. And…you’re right.” He sobered up. “It’s not a laughing matter. I genuinely feel sorry for her and rightfully a little worried about how she’s processing this, but I also think you’re being an idiot for not showing her the type of man you are.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I mean, instead of X saving the day, you could’ve done something as Zander.”
“Like what?”
“How about talking to her like a normal man instead of bumbling an excuse, then galloping off like a sixteen-year-old moron with a stiffy.”
“I take my apology back. I honestly have no idea why I’m friends with you.”
“For my wonderful wisdom of course. Go find her. Go help her take down her stall. Better yet, take her to dinner. She’s managed to fight some of her issues by leaving her house. That’s worthy of celebration. Give her a happy memory to cling to when the walls start closing in.”
“If I took her to a restaurant as me, she’d have a panic attack right there at the table.”
“But if you talk her through it and show her that you won’t deliver the same pain she’s feeling from whatever he did, then you can reverse all the damage and prove that you aren’t a trigger for her. You’re innocent in all of this, and the sooner she realises that, the sooner you two can have your happily ever after.”
“There won’t be any happily ever afters.”
“I’m going to make you eat those words in three to five years from now when you get married.”
“I hate that you’re so positive and believe in fairytales.”
“Meh, what can I say? It’s my superpower.” He chuckled. “Now go. If you’re still at the market, offer your services and help her pack everything up—if you can stay awake of course. Call me later and tell me how it went.”
He hung up.
I looked past the still busy car park to the slowly emptying market. With my ass leaning against the hood of my Chrysler, I crossed my arms and peered down the aisles of the stalls still operating.
The market was winding down, but customers still darted into the showgrounds, scooping up end-of-day bargains.
I deliberated doing exactly what Colin suggested.
If I went to help, could I slowly teach her that all those phantom pains had nothing to do with me? I wasn’t the one to almost kill her. But…she hadn’t messaged me as X even though I’d texted her a few times to check in. She’d shut down on me, and it hurt to have her slam a door in my face when I’d gotten so used to having her respond.
Sighing heavily, I took off my glasses and rubbed my eyes.
I was too exhausted for rational thought.
With how cloudy my mind was, I’d end up calling her Lori and screwing everything up.
Best go home, crash for a bit, and then possibly sneak into her garden as X and—
You’re not sneaking anywhere.
You’re not allowed to go anywhere near her.
Texting is all you’re allowed.
The softest meow wrenched my gaze to the gravel by my front wheel. The scruffiest orange kitten appeared, its whiskers bent and fur dull with mud.
With heartbreakingly bright green eyes, it looked up and screamed. Padding toward me, it wound its tiny body around my ankle. Its meows grew louder and more pitiful, begging as manically as it could.
Stealing my leg back, I ducked to my haunches and cupped its little head. Its fur was coarse and malnourished, his little skull terrifyingly fragile in my fingers.
Instead of running away petrified, the kitten tried to crawl into my hand. Its meows turned to caterwauls and every instinct inside me—every urge I’d had as a kid and the calling I had as a doctor—instantly reacted.
Scooping the skeletal cat from the car park, I cradled him in both hands. Holding him up to my nose, I inspected his little face.
He tried to headbutt my chin, wriggling and squirming to get closer.
“You’re definitely not afraid of me,” I said softly. “Where did you come from?”
He screamed in response, trying to get free, not to leap down but to crawl higher up my arm toward my neck.
Holding him tight, I looked over the sea of parked cars. Had someone brought a litter here to sell? Had he escaped? We had a pretty big rainstorm the other night. Perhaps he got flushed from somewhere?
A woman walked by, her car keys jingling.
“Excuse me?” I held out the kitten. “You didn’t happen to see anyone who this little guy could belong to, did you?”
The orange furball screamed again and tried to scramble up my arm.
She laughed. “I think he’s saying he belongs to you.” Scratching the top of his head, she winked. “Congratulations, you’re now a cat dad.”
Unlocking her car next to mine, she climbed in. With a quick wave, she drove away, leaving me standing with an unwanted patient.
I didn’t have time for a pet—even though I would’ve adored to have another soul in the house. Each time I felt lonely enough to contemplate getting an animal, I always reminded myself that it wasn’t fair with my long, erratic work hours.
The kitten stopped crying and pouted sadly as if hearing my thoughts and knowing he’d chosen the wrong pair of legs to beg at.
“It’s okay, little guy. I’ll help you. I just can’t keep you.”
He meowed and gave me sad little eyes.
“I’m not leaving you here, alright? You’re gonna be okay.”
His ears were a tad crusty, and his lack of body mass ensured I’d probably have to get some kitten formula.
Unlocking my car, I went to put him on the front seat but spotted Sailor and Lily in the distance. They carried a large plastic box between them. Lily said something, and Sailor managed to laugh.
Seeing Sailor responding to her friend eased the tightness of concern in my chest.
She’s okay.
She wasn’t alone and had someone she trusted.
She wasn’t better or completely healed, but she would be okay for a little while.
Which was good because right now, someone else needed my help.
Placing the little kitten on the leather seat, I closed the door and headed to the driver’s side. First, I’d take him to the nearest vet for a quick check-up, pop to the store to get supplies, and then head home.
And when does sleep come into this?
I yawned as I drove out of the car park, checking on Sailor in my rearview mirror.
Sleep would have to wait for a little longer.