22
Zander
Nothing Like a Cat Gift
I WOKE TO MY ALARM BLARING ITS horrible foghorn alert, injecting me with an unhealthy amount of adrenaline.
Everything ached. My brain ached. My body ached. My cock throbbed with morning wood. I couldn’t get my bearings. The light was all wrong. The scent far more floral than my usual clean laundry fragrance.
What the hell did I do last night?
“Oh my God!” a woman groaned. “What is that awful noise?”
I froze as last night exploded through me.
The kitten.
Sailor.
Her going to sleep on me.
I bolted upright, fighting to untangle my legs from hers and unthread my arm from beneath her shoulders. My fingers tingled with pins and needles, hinting I’d been sleeping wrapped around her for a while.
I’d been sleeping with Sailor.
Oh fuck!
Launching out of bed, my hands flew to my face.
My mask!
It’d fallen a little, clinging to the tip of my nose. Wrenching it up high enough to blind myself, I snatched my phone from where I’d placed it on the floor and killed the nasty alarm.
Six a.m.
I had surgery today. And I officially felt as if I’d been run over. Twelve times. By a train.
What with the kitten keeping me up, and then Sailor messaging me just as I’d gotten into bed, I was running on absolute dregs. Not to mention the fact that I’d put the blue-black rinse through my hair like Colin told me to, pinched a ridiculous fake piercing on my eyebrow, then fought my overwhelming dislike of wearing contacts to cover my bright green with muddy brown.
My parents tried to encourage me to use contacts after I got bullied at school for wearing glasses, but I’d never been able to put them in without causing myself serious harm. I didn’t like the scratchy feeling. And I didn’t like putting anything in my eyes—helpful or not.
Sailor sat up in bed. The covers slipped to her waist, revealing the same Sailor Moon t-shirt she’d worn when mixing her creams the other day. I’d found it sexy then, but now? Now, I found it horribly arousing. Especially with her hair tousled and eyes hooded.
Talking of eyes.
What if one of the coloured contacts had fallen out while I slept? What if she saw me in the light and saw past all the facial disguises that seemed utterly pointless but Colin seemed to think would trick all humans because we inherently sucked at looking at people.
“I-I have to go.” Grateful that a lack of sleep coated my voice box with some serious gruff, I yanked on my boots and stumbled toward the door. “I’ll see you later.”
No, you won’t.
This was the last time.
“I mean…I’ll talk to you later. By text. I’ll message you.” Not daring to look in her direction, I yanked open her bedroom door and darted into the corridor.
“Hey, wait.” Her feet thudded on the carpet, chasing.
“Go back to bed, Lori! I have to go.” I didn’t give her a chance to stop me. I’d never run so fast from a woman’s bed before. Sprinting out of her house, I went left—toward the park and not my place—just in case she watched.
I was running short on time and hadn’t factored in a dawn jog in my stupidly heavy motorcycle boots, but that was what happened to men who chose stalking for a hobby.
Cutting through the manicured alleyway between Yasmine and Terry’s house, I raced through the familiar running track around the park and cut down another lane before doubling back and approaching my house from the opposite end of the street.
Panting hard with blisters already pinching my toes, I snuck into my own home like a criminal and slammed to a stop as a guest I’d forgotten about came barrelling from the kitchen.
The little pen I’d made up for him with random pieces of ply in the garage had been dismantled. The towel I’d left him to sleep on was destroyed. The cat litter and food bowls looked as if a level five hurricane had torn through them.
I groaned as the orange fur ball wound itself around my legs.
He meowed and meowed and meowed as if I’d been gone for a decade.
On any other day, any other morning, I would’ve gotten on the floor and played with him. I would’ve given him cuddles and fed him some more formula regardless that—according to the vet—he was old enough to eat on his own. It would be an absolute honour to ensure the little creature was emotionally cared for as well as physically.
But I had responsibilities.
I’d already been unprofessional by letting myself run on so few hours of sleep. I’d done what I could to keep Sailor safe, but I couldn’t let taking care of her jeopardise the care I gave others.
“I’m so sorry to do this to you, little one, but you’re going to have to go.”
The kitten meowed again.
Snatching him from the floor, I cradled him in one arm while I fished my phone from my pocket with the other. While Colin’s number rang and rang, I took the stairs two at a time and marched into the bathroom.
I put the kitten in the sink and gave him a few cotton balls to play with.
“Zan? This better be an emergency. I was having the best dream,” Colin grumbled as he finally answered.
“Ah, shit. I’m sorry, Col. My bad. I’m being a terrible friend lately with all my stupid problems, but…I have a full day at the hospital today and somehow ended up with a rescue kitten that needs looking after. Can you do it?”
“You know I would, but allergies. I love the little critters, but my system sees them as weapons of mass destruction on my airways.”
“Fuck, that’s right.” I remembered when a patient had spent an hour with him discussing a new hand prosthetic after losing hers in an unfortunate crushing accident. She must’ve had a cat at home, and just its fur on her jumper was enough to send Colin into a coughing, sneezing, runny-eye mess that lasted hours.
“Sorry I woke you. Go back to sleep.” Hanging up on him, I went to call my sisters. But they both made a point of never having their phones on at night, and I couldn’t wait for them to finish their Sunday sleep-ins.
“Now what do I do?” Catching my stare in the bathroom mirror, I scowled at my mask.
I’d forgotten I was wearing it.
Least that meant it was comfortable.
Pulling it over my head, I yanked off my hoodie and trousers and stood starkers on the bathmat.
And honestly…I didn’t recognise myself.
My hair glossed with blue-black and my fake brown eyes soaked up all the light in the bathroom. Without my glasses or green eyes, without my red hair and clean-shaven jaw, I really struggled to see the man I’d inhabited for twenty-nine years.
Maybe Colin isn’t bullshitting, after all.
The kitten batted a cotton ball toward me. It flew from his paw and floated to the tiles. He cocked his little head, his whiskers still bent and crooked.
I couldn’t leave him alone in case my day turned into another endless shift from hell. He’d already proven he’d destroy my house if left unsupervised, and I couldn’t take him to work in my briefcase.
What the hell am I going to do?
“Stay put.” I bopped his tiny nose with my finger. He immediately tried to chin me, purring like a mini chainsaw.
I smiled despite myself. Tickling his neck, I pressed a kiss to his ginger head. His purring turned manic. He kept sliding in the sink, trying to climb out and launch into my arms.
“I just have to rinse this dye out, shave, and then I’ll figure out what to do with you.” Not trusting the kitten to stay where I commanded, I closed the bathroom door so he couldn’t take off, then placed him on the bathmat. Immediately, he attacked my bare toes, his little tail whipping in stalk mode.
Laughing under my breath, I stepped into the shower and closed the glass door. While he hunted dead moths, I had the quickest wash and shave of my life, changed my hair back from X black to Zander red, cursed and winced as I plucked the nightmarish contacts out, and sighed in relief as I placed my glasses back on my nose.
I dressed in record time, even with a kitten attached to my shadow, and as the sun finally shone on Ember Drive and every house remained silent with their Sunday sleepers, I grabbed a spare box from my garage, placed an old towel in the bottom, and added the formula mix, feeding bottle, and food packets.
I hadn’t thought this through, but I was out of options. For the first time in my life, I was going to be late, and I didn’t have another second to waste. Dressed in black slacks and a silver shirt with dark grey tie, I shoved the kitten into the box and stalked over to Sailor’s house.
With my back prickling with fear that she’d recognise me after spending the night cuddled in my arms, I rang the front doorbell.
And waited.
And waited.
Guilt swamped me for waking her up but worry for my patient made me tap my foot and check my watch. The kitten thought it was a great fucking game, trying to scramble out of his prison and bat at the flowers hanging in their wrought-iron baskets.
Another few minutes ticked past. I knocked again.
Shit, she’s not coming.
I’ll have to think of something else.
The door swung open just as I turned to leave.
I choked on every word I planned to say. I froze on her doorstep and cursed myself for thinking I could do this.
The arousal I’d felt all night with her in my arms detonated through me. The hard-on I’d woken with had barely gone down, and now it ached all over again.
My heart swelled, drawn to her so badly. I knew far too much about her now. I couldn’t hide how in awe I was or treat her with indifference when I’d had the honour of protecting her.
She trusts me.
No, she trusts X, not you.
She hates you, remember?
“Alexander?” She recoiled back into the foyer, using the door as a shield between us. She’d thrown on an oversized pale pink jumper. It hung to mid-thigh, hiding what I knew she was wearing underneath: a faded Sailor Moon tee and scandalously short shorts.
I choked on a groan.
Having intimate knowledge of what she wore threatened to break me. I’d never seen her naked—if she ever got close to taking her clothes off, I always walked away from the window—but knowing what she’d slept in was somehow worse than knowing what she hid beneath everything.
I knew how warm she was when she dreamed.
I knew how she’d sigh softly if I moved or wriggled closer if I tried to shift away.
She was clingy in her sleep.
And the caregiver inside me fucking loved every minute of being her safety blanket.
However, all the warmth and trust I’d grown used to seeing in her eyes as X turned into stony coldness now I stood before her as her neighbour. “W-What are you doing here so early?”
The kitten meowed, answering for me while I forced my brain to remember words.
I hated the way she looked at me. It killed me to think that all she saw when she looked at me was pain and abuse and the man who’d tried to rape and murder her.
With my chest tight, I cleared my throat and held up the box. “I’m so sorry to do this, but I have an emergency and wondered if you could help?”
Her eyes dropped to the orange furball. “What kind of emergency?”
“I have to go to work, but I rescued this little guy yesterday. Can you watch him until I come back? I’ve brought everything he needs.” I glanced at the box. “I’ve included the formula mix, but if you don’t want to bother with it, he’s old enough to eat on his own.” I dared catch her eyes again. “I wouldn’t ask if I had any other option.”
A flash of pain cut across her face. “So I’m your last resort?”
“Yes. I mean. No. Eh …I know this is a huge imposition, and I don’t want to put you out.”
Taking a hesitant step toward me, she peered at the kitten. A ghost of a smile tipped up her lips. “He’s pretty cute.”
“He’s a rascal, but I think if you tire him out, he should sleep for the rest of the day. I’m sure he won’t be a bother, and you won’t have to cat sit again. I’ll call the SPCA when I finish work and get him set up there.”
“Oh, that’s a bit sad.” She pouted. “You can’t keep him?”
“Not with my hours.” I shrugged. “It’s not that I don’t want to. It just wouldn’t be fair.”
Sucking on her bottom lip, she hesitantly reached for the box.
My pulse skipped at her proximity.
“Okay…I guess I can watch him.”
“You will? Thank you . I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it.”
She sniffed and tried smiling again. “I’m not planning on leaving the house today, so it might be nice to have some company.”
I couldn’t respond to that without revealing I knew far too much about why she wasn’t leaving and why she needed company. To be honest, I liked the thought of her having a little creature in the house. Something she could talk to if the TV randomly turned on again or if memories decided to haunt her.
Taking a deep breath as if fortifying herself to come nearer, she squeaked a little as I shifted and handed her the box.
Our arms brushed.
Our faces came closer than they’d ever been.
All I wanted to do was grab her in a kiss.
I couldn’t tear my eyes off her mouth.
I couldn’t forget how happy she’d been to see me last night and how she leaned on me whenever she got scared.
I spoke before I could stop myself. “Sailor, I—”
“Didn’t you say you were late?” Hefting the box-trapped kitten into her arms, she forced a smile. It came out a little strained, a little wobbly. “Go to work, Alexander. I’ve got this.”
“Zander.” I sighed. “Please call me Zan if you don’t like Zander. No one has ever called me Alex.”
She backpedalled, almost tripping on the rug in the foyer. “Okay, sorry. I, eh, I won’t do it again. I didn’t mean—”
“It’s fine.”
“Have a good day at work.”
I squeezed my nape. My nervous fidget couldn’t be ignored as I shifted my glasses higher up my nose. I backed up a step, giving her room. “If the cat gets to be too much, just call the hospital, and someone will contact me. I’ll see if one of my sisters can pop by to take him.”
“Okay.” She refused to make eye contact, her entire body language screaming for me to leave.
Another wash of goosebumps coated me as my heart squeezed.
Her rejection shouldn’t hurt, but it did.
Her refusal to get friendly broke me apart piece by piece.
She’d never once looked at X like that. Even when I’d broken into her house and found her on the couch, she’d traded her fear for relief the second she’d known it was me.
If I’d gone to her as Zander, she’d probably still be running.
A spike of jealousy joined in the mix of confusing feelings.
I was jealous.
Of X.
I was envious.
Of myself.
And that’s my cue to get the hell out of here.
Walking down the two steps, I paused and said over my shoulder, “Thanks, Lo—” I coughed and cleared my throat. “Sailor.”
Her eyebrows pinched. “What were you going to call me?”
I forced a chuckle. “What Rory used to call you. Lor. But I figured it might not be my place.”
She drew herself up. “Look, Alex—I mean, Zander…I know we’ve practically grown up in each other’s periphery, and our grandparents were best friends, and you’re a great guy, and nothing would make the ghosts of our grans happier if we talked more and became more than just neighbours, but—”
“It’s fine.” I held up my hand. “I get it.”
She nodded and fell quiet, but then she puffed out her chest and added, “I like you. I really do. I always have, if I’m honest. I like the boy you were, and the man you’ve become is super impressive, but…I just need…after what happened. I—”
“You don’t have to—”
“Will you let me finish?” Frustration flashed in her stare.
I flushed. “Sorry. I…yes. Go ahead.”
“I just wanted to say…I just need you to know…” She exhaled hard. Hugging the box, she kissed the kitten on his head as he hopped up to headbutt her chest. “All I’m trying to say is, it’s not you, alright? I don’t mean to be standoffish, and I would hate to make you uncomfortable. You shouldn’t have to think I’m your last resort for help…that’s all I’m saying.” Her smile was tear-bright and brittle. “I’m grateful for all you did for Nana and caring for me after my…” She swallowed hard. “Accident. I’m lucky to have you as my neighbour, and I hope I can be a good neighbour in return.”
Unlike with X, who she’d sworn a vow of honesty with, she spoke blatant lies today all because I’d acted like a nervous fool and made her feel guilty.
Turning to face her, I balled my hands. “I’m not just your neighbour, Sailor, I’m your friend. I always have been. Always will be. And I like you too and completely understand it isn’t easy for you at the moment. I hate that I’ve imposed by asking you to cat sit. You don’t have to apologise to me. I get it. Probably more than you realise.”
She ducked her chin and held my stare for a second before looking at the garden. “Don’t work too hard.”
Hearing the unspoken request for me to leave, I forced a smile. “Thanks again for watching him.”
As I walked away from her, my back broke out into full agonising fire. I’d never felt such a complex recipe of shame and desire, guilt and possession all in one thundering beat of my idiotic heart.
Marching out of her front garden, I beelined for my car.
I had to get away from her.
I couldn’t do this.
Why did I think I could do this?
Her soft voice called after me. “Hey, Zander?”
I couldn’t stop the rush of blistering hope. I spun in my dress shoes and waited for her to tell me we could be friends, after all. That I had a chance in hell of claiming her as mine instead of fucking everything up the longer I deceived her as X.
“Yeah?”
She couldn’t hold eye contact. Staring at the kitten, she asked quietly, “What’s his name?”
The fizzing and popping of hope left me dead on my feet. My voice sounded a little flat, even to my ears. “He doesn’t have one.”
“You haven’t named him?”
“You do it.” Turning again, I left her property before I could do something equally as moronic—like confess everything.