33
Sailor
You Have a Choice
I SENSED HIM BEFORE I SAW HIM.
Peng did too. His little ears sprang up and he scrambled off the couch, tearing toward the back door as if his long-lost littermate had returned.
Huh, that’s strange.
Peng hadn’t met X yet. Why did he react so—
Wait, they met briefly last night .
X had said he’d heard Peng crying outside, and that was why he came to check on me. I assumed he’d brought the cat in with him because all the windows were closed and the kitten safely tucked inside when I woke from my post-orgasm glow.
The quietest knock rapped on the back door as I padded barefoot into the kitchen. The dense sugary smell of chocolate permeated every inch, overshadowing the usual scents of thyme and oregano.
Brushing down my blue jumper that I’d shrugged into after getting a chill, I second-guessed my inappropriately short Sailor Moon night shorts. The tiny crescent moons seemed juvenile and far too young for the type of behaviour I hoped X would be open to indulging in once I’d fed him my thank-you cake.
I smirked.
Apparently, I was making a habit of thanking men with baked goods. Jim had enjoyed his peach upside-down cake so much, he’d begged me to make another, and I had every intention of making something for Zander after he let me tag along on the back of his bike today.
He’d gone fast but not petrifyingly stupid.
The fields had zipped past in a blur of patchwork green, all while fresh air blew away the shadows in my mind. I felt windswept and suntanned, and after a nice long shower and a cuddle with my best-friend, Peng, I floated with freedom I hadn’t felt in well…ever.
You should’ve accepted his invitation to hang out at his house.
I stiffened, recalling the way my instincts flared with warning.
I liked Zander. I might even be at the point of admitting I’d always had a crush on him, but the thought of being alone with him…at night.
I couldn’t.
It would prove Milton’s judgment and jealousy were founded. That every kick and punch he’d given me had been justified because I did fancy my saintly neighbour, after all.
No.
It was too big a step, too soon.
I was getting better, but…I wasn’t at the point of being alone with Zander despite every piece of me desperately ready to be alone with X.
It didn’t make sense.
I shouldn’t be afraid of spending a quiet evening with the guy I’d known all my life, yet be so turned on at the thought of making out with a masked stalker who refused to tell me his name.
You’re messed up.
And you will behave yourself.
I chewed on the inside of my cheek as I forbade any ideas of throwing myself into X’s arms.
Just because we’d shared a moment last night—just because he’d shattered me apart with his fingers and tongue—didn’t mean we were an item or that he’d want to do it again.
With my cheeks pink and heart rabbiting, I opened the door and leaned against it.
Our gaze instantly met, locked, and held.
He stood cloaked in darkness. Black tee, black jeans, black boots. The boots looked similar to the ones Zander wore when we went riding, but that was where the similarities ended. X’s glossy blue-black hair caught the glow of my outside fairy lights. The glint of silver through his eyebrow seemed a little out of place and his balled hands spoke of a thread of violence that Zander would never have.
Zander would give his shirt to anyone who needed it.
X would most likely make them work for it to prove they deserved it.
My stomach soared and dived, leaving me a little breathless. “You know…this is the fourth time you’ve been in my house and the first to actually be invited.”
His dark brown eyes crinkled as he smiled, his mouth hidden beneath the familiar mocking skull mask. “I apologise. Next time I hear you screaming, I’ll use the doorbell.”
I stood taller, feeling better than I had in so long.
I could no longer tell if it was thanks to X teaching me how to let go or Zander proving I was stronger than I looked. Either way, both men had been the catalyst to finally guiding me out of the dark.
“You can come anytime you want.” I grinned, shocked at my blatant flirting.
He staggered a little, then his eyebrows came down, shadowing his rich dark eyes. “Careful, Lori. I’m like one of those vampires who need an invitation into a house. Grant me the right to come whenever I want, and you won’t be able to keep me out.”
“I was hoping you’d say that.” Leaning outside, I grabbed his wrist and jerked him over the threshold. He tripped against me, sending us crashing against the doorframe.
I sucked in a breath as one of his hands went to my hip to steady me and the other slammed above my head to stop us from tumbling over.
He stopped breathing. His eyes searched mine. His chin tipped lower, and for a second, I had the stupid idea he was going to kiss me.
But then the moment was gone, and he shoved himself away.
Peng meowed, sending X almost tripping again. Backpedalling to avoid stepping on my tiny orange soulmate, he scowled and grabbed Peng from the floor. “Both of you are trying to kill me, I swear.”
Peng immediately began purring, trying to claw his way out of X’s hold to rub himself all over the skull mask.
I’d heard some animals were affectionate to everyone, but the way he stared at X spoke of full-blown love, not just first attraction besottedness.
“He really seems to like you,” I murmured, heading toward the cooling cake dripping with gooey fudge.
“I seem to have that effect on animals,” he muttered, trying to extract himself from the forced loving Peng delivered.
“Oh?” I cut two big pieces of cake and put them into flower-printed bowls. “Vanilla, rockyroad, or butterscotch?”
“Uh, vanilla. Thanks.”
I couldn’t contain my smile as I headed to the freezer and took out the tub of ice cream. If he wasn’t wearing a mask and I knew his name, this would be any other night with any other couple. This was normal. Nice. Addictive.
Ladling a generous scoop into both bowls, I giggled as Peng clawed his way up X’s t-shirt and snuggled into his neck.
X squirmed as Peng headbutted his chin.
I laughed. “I think he might be telling me he’d prefer to be adopted by you. Either that or you’ve smuggled in some catnip.”
He chuckled, sending a wash of goosebumps over me. “He’s just happy. Aren’t you, Penguin? Finally found your forever person.”
The spoons I’d grabbed from the drawer clanked against the bowls as I dropped them.
Spinning to face him, my heart took off at a dead sprint. “Zander?”
I had front-row seats to his reaction.
With smooth, unhurried motions, he reached up, plucked the kitten from where he’d made a home for himself on his shoulder, and held him out to me. Our fingers brushed as he plopped Peng into my hands, then backed up and leaned against the table. Crossing his arms, he cocked his head. “Zander?” His voice thickened with extra gruff. “Who’s that?”
I frowned, searching him, not entirely convinced. “He’s my neighbour.”
He nodded slowly. “The one who’s the reason your jealous psychopathic ex hurt you?”
“It wasn’t his fault, but yes.”
“The geeky one with carrot hair and glasses?”
Indignation swelled in me. “Don’t call him a carrot, and he’s not a geek. The glasses suit him.”
His eyes crinkled again as if he was smiling. “Sorry, I didn’t realise you two were so close.”
Taking a step toward him, I searched his brown stare, wishing I could see his face. “You called Peng Penguin. I haven’t told you that was his original name.” I racked my memory, needing to go over our message thread. “At least, I don’t think I did.”
“You did.” He nodded. “Otherwise, how would I know?”
“My question exactly.”
He chuckled softly, sounding as if he didn’t mind being interrogated and had nothing to stress over. “Do you want me to go? Am I making you uncomfortable?”
I reared back. “Go? No…I—” I glanced at the cake and melting ice cream. I’d ruined a perfectly fine evening by trying to figure out his identity. I grasped at straws all because I’d had an incredible day with Zander, and guilt chewed me for liking a stranger in a mask as well as my kind-hearted neighbour.
Despite Milton claiming I was a slut, I wasn’t. I was wired to love and be committed to one person at a time. X had been there for me from the start, but so had Zander. He’d been there when I first woke up in the hospital. He’d given me a notepad to write with and told Lily to come get me.
Who did I owe the most loyalty to? The man who’d made me come alive again or the man who’d kept me alive in the first place?
“L-Let’s eat in the living room.”
“Sure.” Grabbing both bowls, X headed toward the lounge where I’d set up my tablet to watch something on Netflix. I’d even strung a few fairy lights on the hanging hexagon-shaped shelves that Pops had made Nana. The potted plants gathered dust above, watching our every move.
Peng bounced behind us, leaping onto the coffee table and trying to get into the bowls as X placed them down.
“Oh no, you don’t.” Scooping the wriggly kitten up, I plopped him beside me and tried to distract him with an ugly snake thing I’d sewn.
X sat slowly, keeping distance between us.
Memories of the last time we’d sat on this couch came thick and fast. He’d planted his hand over my mouth to stop me from screaming. He’d shown me he was trustworthy by letting me go, then hugging me when the memories became too much.
My tension bled out the longer I studied him. He did a good job of hiding his nerves but couldn’t quite delete them as he shifted a little and clasped his hands between his legs, a slight bounce of his knee belying his calmness.
He’s nervous like I am.
“What’s your real name?” I asked softly, passing him one of the bowls.
He took it and stared into the sugary mess. “I think I told you the last time I was on this couch that I didn’t want to lie to you.” He looked up, his brown eyes glittering with soft light. “I can’t answer that, and I really don’t want to lie.”
“Okay then, how was your day?” I scooped up a spoonful of cake and shivered at the perfect combination of ice and heat, vanilla and chocolate.
X just kept holding the bowl as if he was a beggar waiting for someone to toss some coins into it. “It was good actually.” His eyebrow rose as he twisted to look at me. “How was yours?”
I took another bite and went to tell him about the wind in my hair and the feeling of flying on Zander’s bike, but…something stopped me. I’d been on the receiving end of jealousy, and as much as I didn’t think X would beat me for being with Zander, I didn’t want to hurt him.
If he had any feelings for me. If his crush was real…I couldn’t tell him I’d found pleasure with another man. What sort of person would that make me?
Just because you haven’t told him doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.
Had I cheated on X today by feeling so happy with Zander?
Could you cheat on someone you weren’t officially dating?
Sighing heavily, I slouched back and poked half-heartedly at my dessert.
This was turning out to be a disaster.
The clink of his bowl hitting the coffee table drew my eyes back to his.
Ever so slowly, he shifted to face me and hooked his left leg onto the couch while his right boot remained firmly on the carpet.
I didn’t care that he hadn’t taken his shoes off.
I planned to rip everything out of this room tomorrow and begin painting. The carpet would be the first thing to go so I’d never have to look at the spot where Milton strangled me again.
Reclining against the armrest, he just watched me.
His eyes so deep, so intense, his entire demeanour crackling with power and possession.
I couldn’t handle the way he stared. And I definitely couldn’t handle the feelings he invoked.
Grabbing his bowl from the table, I shoved it back into his hands. “Eat. I made it for you. To say thanks for helping me last night.” I couldn’t stop speaking now that stress had gathered. I did what Lily did and blurted everything. “You unlocked the cage I’ve been trapped in. You took away his power, and I’ll always be grateful for that. I’ll always be so thankful you messaged me that day. I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to repay you, but I’d like to try and—”
“Lori.” Swooping forward, he pressed his finger against my lips. “Hush.”
I blinked and shivered.
The world fell away as our eyes locked. I forgot about cakes and gratitude. All I wanted was a repeat of last night. I wanted to give him the same level of pleasure he gave me. I wanted him to know that I might never know his name, but I would always, always remember him.
His finger fell from my lips, his breath catching.
A split-second decision had me snatching his bowl from his hand and tossing it back onto the coffee table.
He reared against the armrest with a scowl. “What are you—”
I didn’t let him finish. Gathering all my fledging strength, I crawled directly on top of him.
He went deathly still. His hands gripped the couch as his body turned to stone. “W-What are you doing?”
Peng jumped off the settee as my knee went between X’s legs and I planted one hand on his chest. Fighting my trembles, I reached for his mask.
“Lori, don’t—” He tried to scoot backward but the armrest trapped him.
He shook his head.
I went to pull.
His hand snapped up and locked around my wrist. “Stop.”
My eyes flashed to his. “You can’t eat with it on.”
He sucked in a breath. “I’m not hungry.”
“But I baked you a cake.”
“And I’m grateful. I’ll eat it when I go home. If you allow me to have a piece to takeaway, of course.”
I huffed. “I’m not a restaurant, you know.”
“And I didn’t expect you to bake me a thank-you.”
My heart pounded far too fast. “How could I not? What you did felt…amazing.” My cheeks burned as I forced myself to stay honest. “No one has ever…I mean, I’ve never had someone…” I swallowed hard. “That was my first time.”
“I know,” he said softly, full of gravel and gruff. “You told me no one has ever made you come.”
I blushed. “Well, yes that too. But I meant…” I couldn’t look at him. I focused on the toothy snarl of the skull. “No one has ever gone down on me.”
His eyebrows shot up, his piercing twinkling silver in the lowlight. “You’re kidding me.”
My cheeks went into full blush.
“How…how is that possible?” he whisper-growled. “Fuck, if you were mine, I’d dine on you every night.”
My gaze snapped to his. Prickly heat crackled over my skin.
Cupping my cheek with his free hand, he ran his thumb over my bottom lip. His gaze transfixed on my mouth. “Your taste is…” He glanced at the chocolate cake with an erotic huff. “A thousand times better than the sweetest dessert. You taste like the flowers you’re always cooking—like the best kind of nectar.” He chuckle-snarled. “To know I’m the only one who’s sampled you in that way? To know no one else has licked you, tasted your cum, or heard you cry out in ecstasy is a very bad thing for me.”
“W-Why?” I swallowed hard. “Why is it bad?”
“Because that stupid crush I have on you is blowing completely out of control.”
He successfully set my heart on fire.
Groaning, he tipped his head back as if exhausted by the thick, sexual tension arching between us. “You have no idea how hard this is for me.”
“I think I probably have some idea how hard you are.” I forced myself to grin. “Probably about how wet I—”
“Fucking hell.” He squeezed his eyes closed and shook his head. “You can’t say things like that.”
“Why?”
“Because it makes me want to keep you, and…I can’t.”
I froze solid, hovering over him. “Who says you can’t?”
What am I saying?
His forehead furrowed. He ignored my question with a snarl. “I thought I could do this, but I’m so far out of my depth, I’m drowning.” He laughed coldly. “And you know what the worst part is? I know I should get up right now and walk out that door, but all I can think about is how you invited me here for cake yet all I want to eat is you .”
My stomach flipped. I tried to pull his mask again. “I can be on the menu.”
Wow, who are you right now?
His chin tipped down, his eyes blazing a hellish black.
My fingers clung to the bottom of his mask, refusing to let go even as his hand tightened around my wrist.
“You wouldn’t offer if you knew who I truly am.”
I shivered. “Then tell me who you are, and I’ll be the judge.”
His eyes flickered over mine, searching me as deeply as Zander did this morning when I asked to go on his bike. “Not tonight.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m feeling super fucking selfish and don’t want to leave. And once I tell you, you won’t want anything to do with me, and the thought of going back to an empty house without you kills me.”
Both of us stopped breathing.
He tried to push me off him with a groan. “What am I saying? Jesus, just ignore me. I have no idea what I’m doing anymore.” He forced a laugh. “I’m overtired. Overworked. Mentally insane. Take your pick. You’re obviously doing better. You don’t need me anymore. I’m gonna go and—”
“X.” Shoving him back down with my palm on his chest, I searched his gaze. I recognised the telltale signs of panic. I’d felt them myself so often the past month. The fact that he suffered too—that my masked guardian who’d given everything and asked for nothing—felt the same out of control anxiety I did made me feel so ashamed.
“Let me go.” He squirmed to get free but didn’t manhandle me, careful even now not to use physical force against me. “Lori—”
“Tell me who you truly are.”
Freezing beneath me, he grunted. “I told you, not tonight.”
Barely breathing, I shifted just enough so my knee pressed against the crotch of his black jeans. It could’ve been taken as a threat, but it switched into a beg the moment I rubbed my knee against his thick length.
He jerked as if I’d electrocuted him. “Lori…you have to stop.”
Licking my lips, I looked at the skull over his mouth. “I’ll stop if you take off your mask.”
He shook his head, his dark eyes flashing. “I can’t.”
“Why?”
“I told you.” His other hand that clutched the couch came up and gently unwound my fingers from the material of his scarf. I couldn’t fight him as he pried my grip open, then captured both my wrists and held me almost levitating over him.
I let him hold my weight.
My gaze danced from his eyes to his mask and back again.
He started to shake the longer he held me up, and I allowed that same vixen who’d jumped on the back of Zander’s bike to be stupidly brave. Dropping my hips, I kicked my legs out and sprawled on top of him.
A guttural groan escaped him as my core pressed to his cock. My softness to his hardness. Energy zinged between us, binding us together with a volt of need.
The part of his face I could see etched with torment. “You’re determined to give me a heart attack tonight.”
“Not if you answer three questions.”
He quirked his pierced eyebrow, his fingers lashing around my wrists. “What three questions?”
I balled my hands where they lay on his chest between us. “I don’t need to know your name or where you live or who you truly are. All I need to know is if I’m safe to—”
“Of course you’re safe. I might keep my identity secret, but I would never—”
“X…be quiet.”
He huffed but fell silent.
“What I was going to say is…if I’m safe to let my crush become more, too.”
His dark brown eyes flared, full of hunger.
“Question number one.” I licked my lips and forced my voice not to turn breathless with how much I wanted him. How much his surrender turned me on all while knowing he had the power to throw me across the room if he wanted.
He was stronger than Milton, bigger than Milton, yet he was better than him in every way because he would never use that strength against me. He’d rather let me trap him on the couch and submit to my torturing than do anything to make me afraid.
“Have you told anyone about me?”
He stilled. “Why do you want to know that?”
“Just answer me. Yes or no?”
He shifted a little, arching his hips and pressing against me.
We both sucked in a shaky breath.
Finally, he nodded. “Yes. I’ve told someone about you.”
“Everything? Including the hidden identity?”
“Yes.”
“And what do they think about this…arrangement of ours?”
“He thinks I’m in way over my head because I’ve never been good at keeping my feelings in check, and he knows exactly how I feel about you.”
“How do you feel about me?”
“Next question.”
I laughed under my breath. “If you keep avoiding that one, I’ll start thinking you’re in love with me.”
He groaned. “Can’t you leave a man with a little self-respect?”
“Not while I’m trying to determine the type of man he is without knowing his name or appearance.”
“Would it help if I said you’re similar to the friend I told? That you both drive me crazy because I can never lie, and you’re far too smart for your own good?”
I preened. “I think I’d get along with whoever this person is.”
“Between the two of you, you’re definitely driving me into an early grave.”
“Okay, second question.” I kissed his nose, the cotton of his mask fuzzy against my lips. “Why did you decide to help me? Why go out of your way to put up with my nightmares, my panic attacks, and all the other baggage I’ve been dragging around? And don’t give me a generic reply because we both know what you’re doing is not normal. You’re not getting anything in return and—”
“Who says I’m not getting anything in return?” He arched his hips again, deliberately scorching me with his erection.
My heart rate skipped and tripped.
Clearing his throat, he said softly, “I think I’ve already told you that I’m borderline obsessive about helping people. It gives me purpose. It—”
“Yes but why? Why do you have to help? Doesn’t it cost you to care so much about others?”
“It does, but…I’ve always been wired that way.” His voice lowered to a gravelly whisper. “I was born with it. I’ve always been fascinated with blood and organs and how bones—” He cut himself off, searching my face. “I sound like a serial killer. No wonder you just tensed.”
I forced a laugh. “It’s fine. Continue.”
He sighed. “I just mean I like knowing how things work. One of my favourite toys as a kid was a plastic skeleton that my dad bought me one Christmas where you build the ribcage with all the organs and then snap on muscle, skin, and clothes.” His vision focused on the past. “When my dad got sick, I tried to figure out what went wrong so I could fix him. I was so sure I would be able to, but when I lost him, I had my first taste of powerlessness. I think that’s why I had to help you.” He focused on me again. “After what that bastard did to you, you felt that same powerlessness, and…I know the feeling. I feel it too often when I lose a patient and—” His eyes shot wide. “I mean—”
“So you’re a doctor? I thought you sounded like one in your messages—”
“No, I’m a, eh, I’m a vet. I meant animal patient.” He scrambled higher up the armrest, giving up when I kept him pinned. His eyes crinkled with a mask-hidden smirk. “Why else do you think your cat loves me so much? He can sense that I help his kind.”
“Crap, Peng.” Glancing around the living room, I panicked that we’d squashed the poor kitten. “Where is that ginger furball?”
Hearing his name, Peng trotted from the kitchen, licking his lips from enjoying a snack.
“There you are, you little rascal.”
Sitting primly on the living room threshold, he washed his paws.
“Seeing as you won’t release me until you’ve finished your inquisition, what’s your third question so I can go?” X grumbled, dragging my attention back to him.
I fumbled for something to ask. I didn’t really have three questions. I’d just wanted to talk. To see if we could hold a conversation in person as easily as we could via text.
A small part of me hoped the chemistry we shared would fade the longer we spoke. I needed something to stop my heart from dancing around him because I wasn’t ready for my crush to become something more. I definitely wasn’t prepared to develop feelings for a masked stranger all while the crush from my teenage days returned for my handsome neighbour.
I needed time.
I needed to be alone for a while so I could be whole by myself and not because a man patched up the holes I couldn’t.
But…X had successfully thrown me into a whirlpool of confusion.
“Um…third question.” I pursed my lips, thinking. “You said you live alone. Would you take me to your house sometime?”
He stiffened. “No.”
“Never?”
“Never is a long word.”
“I’ve thought of a better question.”
“Four wasn’t in our contract.”
I smiled. “Neither was three. But I asked anyway.” Stretching over him, I brushed my lips against his ear. “My fourth question is…if you won’t let me feed you cake as a thank you…can I do something else instead?”
His muscles turned to granite. “I told you, you don’t have to thank—”
“I get the feeling you’re not good at accepting appreciation.”
“It’s not that, it’s just—”
“Tell me, X, does anyone look after you as well as you look after everyone else?”
He added a layer of ice to his granite. “No. I mean, yes. I mean—”
“How long has it been since someone did for you what you did for me last night?”
He groaned, long and low and deep. “Lori…you’ve got to stop. I’m begging you.”
“Do you know the acronym of fear?”
His eyebrows shot up. “What?”
I grinned at how he struggled with my subject change. “I stumbled on a psychology website one night when I couldn’t sleep. I was searching for ways to break out of my terror, and it said fear can be broken into an acronym. Fantasised Experiences Appearing Real.” I rolled my eyes. “Of course, Milton was very much real and despite my fading bruises, I will carry the scars of that night for the rest of my life. However…everything else? The cracking of the walls as they cool. The shadows I see out the corner of my eye. The anxiety I feel about him coming back or being hurt again…those aren’t real. Those are simply echoes of the past and as long as I learn to let go and not let my panic consume me…they can’t hurt me.”
“W-What are you saying?”
“I’m saying, I respect your decision not to sleep with me. And I’ll always be grateful that you broke my self-imposed barrier over being able to climax. But…just like you have to help others, I have to repay that help. Call it good manners or the polite thing to do, but I need to thank you, X, and so…you have two choices.”
He sucked in a heavy breath. “What two choices?”
“I took advantage of you the other night. It was manipulative and I still feel bad. So…you either eat the cake, or I give you an orgasm. How you accept my gratitude is entirely your choice. But you’re not leaving until this debt is settled.”