46
Zander
Who Needs Furniture
I’D DONE A GREAT MANY THINGS THAT were severely bad for my health the past month or so…and that long list started and ended with Sailor Melody Rose.
I’d broken the law for her, disguised myself for her, realised I wanted more with her, and become slightly unhinged. She’d conjured needs in me that I’d never felt before and forced me to come face to face with the fact that I was sick to death of being the good guy.
After almost three decades of convincing myself I could never hurt anyone, I now had the undeniable urge to go on a rampage and let loose all this confusing, clawing, crippling fury, starting with her for putting herself in harm’s way.
I’d never been that free in bed before. Never felt that black obsession to consume and dominate. But with her? It’d taken all my willpower not to fuck her into the floor with no apology.
Kinda did that anyway.
Sighing heavily, I gathered her closer where we lay sweat-sticky and breathing hard on mismatched cushions. The living room smelled of fresh paint and she’d gotten rid of the couch and furniture. I liked that the bare bones of the room no longer held memories of what that bastard did to her and had been replaced entirely by what I’d done to her.
I’m also a bastard but at least I killed her with an orgasm instead of jealousy.
Sailor moaned and threw her leg over my thighs. Her arm flung over my waist as she nuzzled deeper, plastering us together. Her heart tapped the same chaotic rhythm mine did.
I’d heard that sex could be the greatest sedative, but I’d never experienced it. Now, I felt as if I’d chugged an entire bottle of sleeping pills.
Licking my lips and trying to get my breath back, I forced myself to be a man again and not the monster who’d just done dirty things to her. Kissing the top of her head, I groaned, “What did you just do to me?” Every part of me felt as if we’d punched each other in a boxing ring until we’d passed out.
Her heavy sigh sounded utterly content. “I believe you finally gave in and took what you wanted for a change.” She hugged me tighter. “Feels good, huh?”
“Good?” I could barely keep my eyes open. “That word is nowhere near adequate to describe how I feel.”
“And to think I almost had to hog-tie you last time just to give you a handjob.”
I choked on a laugh. “How did I not know you were such a temptress beneath all that primness?”
Kissing my chest, she whispered, “You haven’t been watching me for that long. It’s forgivable that you thought I was just some abuse survivor.”
My heart seized.
I’d almost forgotten.
Christ, I’d almost forgotten that I’d fucked her as X. That I was lying here, naked in her house, with black hair and brown eyes and a false identity.
Nausea gushed up my throat.
Protecting her as a masked stranger could be forgiven if my secret ever got out. But fucking her the way I did without telling her who I truly was?
Jesus Christ, she’ll hate me for eternity.
It wasn’t just the lies at this point. It was the betrayal of the incredible trust she’d given me. I’d felt her flinch a few times. Tasted the salt of her tears as I bulldozed my way through her trauma, but she’d trusted me not to hurt her and I’d trusted her to use the safe word if she wanted me to stop.
But she hadn’t said it.
She’d been brave and perfect and wonderful and… I’m fucked.
She used your last name as her safe word…
When she’d said it, I’d almost gone into cardiac arrest. Blistering hope bolted through me that perhaps she’d known it was me all along, and that was her way of confessing. That she knew and forgave me and wanted me anyway.
But that was just a dream.
And now I’d woken up and come face to face with the fact that it’d been a slip on her part. A Freudian slip revealing she might have feelings for me as Zander, but whatever crush she had would tear apart the moment she found out just how badly I’d betrayed her.
Fuck, what have I done?
My arm shook as I hugged her harder. Terror I’d never felt before bled through me. I’d lost her. I’d given in to my anger and taken her without telling her the truth, and now… now ? Fuck, now I’d have to move far away just so I never had to see the disappointment and betrayal in her eyes.
Sailor pressed a kiss to my chest. “Your thoughts are loud again. Are you okay?”
I forced myself to stay calm when all I wanted to do was explode. “Sorry, I…” Truth coated my tongue, painting over my many lies. I might never be able to have her like this again, but while I had her, I couldn’t pretend I wasn’t deeply, madly, stupidly in love with her. “I can’t stop thinking about you,” I whispered. “How good you felt. How that was the best sex of my life, and I want to do it all over again.”
She puffed up with pride. “You sure know how to squeeze my heart. Hearing you say that means the world to me.” She grinned. “And I feel the same way. I’ve never experienced what we just did. Ever .”
Goddamn tears pricked my eyes.
Despicable jealousy roared through me.
I was jealous of myself.
Cursing the two versions of me who got totally different sides of the same girl.
Why had I done this? Why had I come here? Why had I ever put on a mask and thought I could survive the fall-out?
Stiffening, I did my best to gather enough strength to stand. To say goodbye. To leave forever. But she clung to me like a baby sloth and buried her face in my neck. “You’re not leaving. No way.”
The butterfly blindfold hid her stunning blue eyes, keeping my secret. My mask lay in a discarded puddle beside us, mocking me with its skeletal grin.
You can’t let her find out.
If she ever learned who I truly was…going to jail would be paradise compared to the way she’d hate me.
My heart slowed with single-minded determination.
I only had one way out of this mess.
X would have to die, and Zander would have to grow a pair of goddamn balls and tell her how he really felt instead of talking about myself in third person.
Colin’s warning echoed in my head.
He’d cautioned me not to separate X and Zander as two different people because it would be harder for her when she knew the truth. But now that I’d fucked her like a madman all while telling her to date her neighbour, I’d destroyed any hope of a happy ending. The only way out of this mess was to make my alter ego die a miserable death and be done with it.
God, why did you have to make me fall in love with you?
Why did our grandmothers have to shove us together again and again?
Why was I so weak not to pursue her as Zander when I had the chance?
“You’re doing it again,” she whispered drowsily. “Now what are you thinking about?”
I shuddered with shame that I couldn’t be honest even while being more truthful than I’d ever been. “I’m thinking that I don’t want to let you go.”
She sucked in a breath. “Then don’t.”
I squeezed my eyes closed and cursed the agonising fisting of my heart. “I need to leave. I shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t have—”
“If you say you regret sleeping with me after just confessing it was the best sexual experience of your life, you’re going to make me really mad.” She pulled away and went to yank off her blindfold.
Soaring upright, I grabbed her wrists and jerked her hands down. “Don’t.” Glancing at my mask on the floor, I ordered, “Give me ten seconds, then I’ll give you back your sight.” Letting her go, I snatched my scarf balaclava, yanked it over my head to bunch around my neck, then pulled up the black material until it almost touched my eyelashes.
Gritting my teeth, I reached around her head and undid the bow. The butterfly wings fell away, leaving her blinking.
The moment her gaze caught mine, she shifted to sit on her knees and balled her hands.
She sucker-punched me with how stunning she was. Naked and sated and so full of fire.
My cock reacted before I could stop myself.
Launching to my feet, I plucked the condom off and headed into the kitchen to dispose of it.
Peng appeared from wherever he’d been hiding, trotting and meowing by my ankle.
Sailor muttered from behind me, “He’s still obsessed with you.”
I didn’t dare acknowledge the orange kitten or the woman who’d successfully made me break. Instead, I padded barefoot and bare into the kitchen and slammed to a stop.
“Eh…” I blinked. My eyes struggled to see what was right in front of me. “Did you get robbed while we were busy?”
“What?” A rustle of limbs and the pad of her feet as she left the floor and came to join me. Her jaw fell. “Oh my God. What on earth?”
Every cupboard was open. Every drawer ajar. Even the fridge was open, spilling icy air all over the floor. Peng meowed and headed toward it, searching for dinner.
In a daze, Sailor scooped him up and cradled him in her arms. The sight of this beautiful naked woman cuddling an orange kitten—a kitten I’d given her—was too much.
My temper flared, protecting me from emotions I just couldn’t function feeling.
Stalking forward, I tossed the condom into the trash, then slapped every cupboard closed and shoved in every drawer. Only once the kitchen was back to normal did I shudder with horror by the sink.
Mary and Melody.
Two matchmaking highly meddling ghosts had—
“I mean, I’ve heard of hauntings and am well used to my TV turning on without me, and Peng regularly has conversations with things I can’t see, but this…?” Drifting forward, Sailor placed the cat on the dining room table and stood bravely bare. “This is on another level. If I hadn’t seen it, I wouldn’t believe it. In fact, I barely believe it even though I just watched you close everything.”
My fists curled. “They just can’t leave us alone, even when they’re dead—” I cut myself off with a grunt.
Fuck.
X wouldn’t know about Mary and Melody’s lifelong pact to join their bloodlines. To marry a Rose to a North and forever be family.
Spinning to face Sailor, I choked on my heart.
Had she heard? Did she know?
My shaking hand strayed to my mask, making sure it was in place.
She gave no indication of noticing, chewing on her bottom lip and staring at her kitchen in a daze. Slowly, a sly smile crossed her red-kissed lips. “I think Nana just gave us her blessing.”
I stumbled backward. I couldn’t speak. I didn’t trust myself. Once again, jealousy poured through me that Sailor was choosing X over me. She looked at me as if we had a future. She had no qualms about breaking my heart as Zander because her connection with X was so much stronger and fuck that hurt. It killed . It butchered me because how could I stay living on Ember Drive after this? How could I spy on her through her windows and see her grieving for X after I killed him off?
I wouldn’t stand a chance as Zander because I’d break her heart just like she was breaking mine and good God what the fuck have I done?
Self-protection made me shut down.
I couldn’t stay here anymore.
Marching past her, I headed toward my clothes scattered around the living room.
“Hey!” she squeaked as I brushed past without looking, our naked skin zinging with chemistry. “Where are you going?”
“I-I just remembered. I have something urgent to do.” Rage percolated, tangling with the very real, very scary ability to be cruel all in order to save myself. “I told you we were over. Just because we slept together doesn’t make that any less true.”
She slammed to a stop on the threshold.
I did my best not to look at her, but I couldn’t help throwing her a glance as I snatched my black slacks off the floor.
For a second, she looked as if she’d burst into tears. The next, I wouldn’t put it past her to beat me with a frying pan. In the end, she straightened her shoulders and stalked toward me with blue heat in her stare. “Bullshit.”
“Excuse me?”
“You’re running away again.”
“No, I—”
“I’m telling you, X, if you leave, I will never speak to you again.”
“I’m aware.” I fisted my trousers, trembling with the need to pull them on. “This is the last time we’ll see each other. This was a mistake—”
“A mistake ?”
“You’re the one who forced me to come over here. You’re the one who almost killed herself. What happened afterward was both our faults, but it’s over now and—”
“No.”
“ No ?” My eyebrows rose, the mask hiding my shock. “What do you mean, no?”
“I mean, I might not know your name or address or a single thing about you, but I do know that when you’re afraid, this is what you do.” She bared her teeth. “You run the moment you feel anything.”
I sneered. “I’m not running. I’m just done with—”
“Protecting me?” She stuck her nose in the air. “Good. I’m glad you’re done playing the role of my guardian. It means you can stop treating me as if I’ll break.”
“Did I treat you as if you’d break when I was fucking you on the floor?”
“No.” She smiled a sexy, dangerous smile. “You didn’t.”
“Well then.” Snapping out my trousers, I lifted up a leg to get dressed. “We both agree that you’re in charge of your own healing from now on. Whatever we had has run its course.”
Dashing to me, she wrenched the trousers out of my hand and tossed them over her shoulder. “ Argh , you’re a stubborn pain in the ass.”
“What did you just call me?”
“I called you an idiot.”
“And you think calling me names will stop me from walking out the door?”
“I think you need a good slap to acknowledge you were free for just a little while. You let yourself go. In the weeks I’ve known you, you stiffen up the moment I try to care for you in return. You get prickly and cold and say things you don’t mean all because you don’t know how to lean on others.”
“What are you? My psychologist all of a sudden?” Pushing past her, I reached for my pants again.
She kicked them away and shoved her hands against my chest, making me stagger back. “I’m trying to help you the way you helped me, you frustrating idiot!”
“Again with the idiot.” My hands curled, pulling on the faint bruises I still had from beating up Chad Harris. She hadn’t noticed the marks on my knuckles. So blinded by the disguise that Colin had promised would hide me in plain sight.
For a second, I contemplated ripping my mask off and confessing.
I didn’t know how much longer I could do this.
How I’d be able to keep this secret for the rest of my life.
But I had to try because after the things I just said, after the hole I was determined to dig, she’d never look at Zander while X was in her life. And if she ever figured it out, she’d never forgive me, and I’m done.
“Get out of my way, Sailor. I’m leaving—”
“You’re staying.” With the softest gasp, she dropped to her knees and placed her hands on her thighs. Peng scurried from the kitchen, headbutting her for affection, but her eyes never left mine. “Tell me what you want, X, because I owe you another debt. You showed me how much I like being taken with anger, but only by a man I trust implicitly. You shattered every fear I had of him strangling me and gave me a new memory of lust and desire. You’ve done more for me this afternoon than all the weeks combined and so…I owe you.”
Her gaze dropped to my hard cock. She looked older, wiser…sexier with a hint of a dangerous rebellion.
“I’m not letting you walk out that door until I do for you what you did for me. And if that isn’t black and white enough for you, I’m telling you, you stubborn pain in my ass, that I want you. I don’t care who you are. I don’t care about tomorrow. I don’t care if your name starts with an X or an A or a Z. All I care about is staying this free and so…” She sat higher on her knees. “You have to make another choice.”
“What choice?” I strangled, my breath coming short.
“The choice to be free. The choice to drop all your pretences. I don’t know why you’re terrified of admitting who you truly are, but…you don’t have to be afraid with me.”
Every part of me ached.
It was agonising.
Blinding.
I clung to doing the right thing. “You’re making this impossible for me. I’m trying to protect you. Even if that means protecting you from myself—”
“And I’m telling you I don’t want protecting. Not anymore. Not here. What I want is for you to break me. Break with me.”
My entire body clenched.
My cock ached so badly, I wedged a fist in my stomach trying to ignore the relentless craving to give in. “You’re going to kill me.”
“If that’s what it takes for you to agree, then fine.”
I resisted the urge to grab myself and relieve the agony she conjured. “I’m not going to—”
“You know, until today, I didn’t know my blood could sizzle like that. I didn’t know my insides could turn liquid or that my mind could blank into nothing.” Her voice turned to a hot whisper. “I want to show you what that feels like.”
“I already know. I felt it. With you.”
“Then let me make you feel it again.”
I gagged on a groan as my body spasmed with excruciating lust. “Sailor, I’m begging you.”
“And I’m begging you .” Her face fell a little as her courage faltered. “Stop thinking about others, X. Stop putting yourself last. Stop being afraid.”
My feet moved of their own accord.
Standing over her, I bent and sifted my fingers through her hair. My voice crawled through river rock. “I’m not afraid. And I won’t let you antagonise me into touching you again. Are you not listening? I can’t. ”
She shrugged. “You’re touching me right now.” She studied my mask, her beautiful face unreadable. Her smoky eyes and kiss-swollen lips looked so different to the sun-kissed, make-up-free look she usually wore when harvesting her herbs and cooking her concoctions.
I’d known her as the shy girl next door and now as the kneeling vixen offering herself to me.
The two versions of her scrambled the two versions of me.
The right and the wrong.
The saint and the sinner.
The martyr and the monster.
“You’ve just been given the vote of approval by the one person I loved more than anyone,” she whispered. “My nana knows you’re a good person and I’m not letting you leave while you’re hiding and hurting and being utterly ridiculous. Tell me what you want, X. Tell me how you want me and I’m yours. An orgasm for an orgasm. Isn’t that how this game goes?”
I shook my head like a crazy person, trying to get my bearings. My cock went full mast. My balls drew up. My stomach clenched. All that lust, that longing, that lifelong denial of what I truly needed throttled me. “I can’t. I-I…shouldn’t.”
“Why shouldn’t you?”
“Because…” All reasons flew out of my head. All the excuses of being the good guy, the caring doctor, the kind friend. I was all of those things, but I was also more. I was lonely and angry and so full of goddamn need I couldn’t fucking see straight.
But I’m not Zander.
My breath caught in my lungs as I studied her on her knees.
It would be so easy.
All it would take was a single command.
Two little words I’d never be able to say as Zander but as X? With this mask on and hidden identity…why couldn’t I?
I was going to hell anyway.
I’d decided to make X take a flying leap off a cliff.
Come tomorrow, he would cease to exist, I’d block her number, and she would never know that she’d been fucked by her neighbor.
And I would carry this dirty, despicable secret for the rest of my life, reliving this afternoon over and over again, desperate to be this seen, this free, this wanted.
I straightened slowly, sifting her hair through my fingers.
Her nostrils flared, looking at me from where she kneeled.
Without her blindfold, the connection between us reached another level. A soul-deep, heart-wrenching level and I lost.
I lost to her submission.
I broke under my addiction.
And those two haunting words spilled free in a rush of shadows and sparks. “Suck me.”
A slow smile crossed her lips. Her eyes lit up with triumph. And then she reached for me, bent her head, and did exactly as I commanded.
My eyes snapped closed as her hot, wet mouth encircled me.
I almost jack-knifed as she sucked hard.
She broke me with one incredible lick, and I struggled to stay standing as I gathered her hair and held on.
I couldn’t speak as her head bobbed over me, taking me as deep as she could manage. Using her spit, she coated my length and corkscrewed her hand up and down.
She moaned and licked and drove me into fucking insanity.
Peng screeched and took off.
The curtains fluttered as if the ghost who’d rearranged the kitchen still watched.
I didn’t care we might have an audience as I gathered her closer and pushed her head down. I didn’t ask if she was okay. We’d established the rules. She knew how to stop me. She’d forced me to become this beast, and now…now, I would make her pay.
“Harder,” I grunted, my eyes rolling back in my head as she squeezed me to the point of pain. Her tongue teased my crown. Her hot breath tickled my belly.
I shuddered with shame at how filthy I wanted her.
I groaned with how good it felt.
She kept blowing me, shoving me higher and higher up the climax cliff. I deliberated coming in her mouth, making her swallow, but this was the last time. I would never be this rough, this selfish again, and…if I was going to embrace every dark and desperate shadow inside me…fuck it.
Holding her hair, I thrust.
She gagged.
I winced as her teeth caught me.
“Don’t bite, or I’ll bite right back,” I choked.
She shivered on her knees and sucked me deeper.
The percolating bubbles of warning gathered between my legs.
It was too soon.
I wasn’t ready to say goodbye just yet.
Wrenching her mouth off me, I grabbed her elbows and yanked her from the floor. Tossing her over my shoulder, our bare skin stuck together as I returned to the nest of cushions and placed her down.
She immediately kneeled again, her lips glistening. Fumbling for my wallet in the mess of clothes, I flipped it open and searched for another condom.
My heart plummeted as I found none.
Christ, I thought for sure I had two. My background in medicine always ensured utter strictness whenever it came to sleeping with someone. I’d never gone without protection. Never had the urge—
“Are you out?” Her quiet question made me want to snarl.
My shoulders sagged, all while I fought the debilitating need to release. “I thought I had more.” My eyes met hers, my mask feeling so restrictive. “Do you have any?”
“No.” She winced. “I threw them all out when I removed Milton’s things.”
“Well, shit.” Pinching the bridge of my nose, flinching at not finding my glasses, I did my best to pull myself together. “That’s that then.” Tossing her the nearest piece of clothing, I ordered, “Put that on. I can’t look at you.”
She caught it but didn’t obey. Her tongue ran over her bottom lip, her forehead furrowed. “You know…I’ve never…I mean…even with Milton, I always used…um…what I’m trying to say is…”
“No.” I shook my head. “Absolutely not.”
Her eyes met mine, slightly bashful, her cheeks slightly pink. “Have you ever…?”
“No, but that’s beside the point.”
“So we’re both virgins in that respect? We’d be safe to…”
Ah Christ, no one else had made me feel so out of control. This angry, this lost, this hungry.
“Sailor, I’m not—”
“I follow my cycle. I don’t take the pill, but I take my temperature every day, and…I know I’m in the safe range. I-I’m okay with it if you are.” Crawling toward me, she stood upright on her knees. “I wouldn’t offer if I wasn’t sure. My nana taught me all the olden ways of birth control. I’ve been doing it for years. And I…I really don’t want you to stop.”
God, her body heat. Her bare breasts. Her seduction and innocence and need.
How could I compete with that? How could I ever find the willpower to walk away?
“What do you want, X?”
I want to keep you.
I want to tell you everything.
I want you not to hate me.
I lowered my head, watching her with half-hooded eyes. “I want to fuck you.”
“Then do it.”
“If I do…you’ll be the only girl I’ll ever be bare with.”
She shivered. “Then definitely do it.”
I groaned, watching her skin pucker with goosebumps. “God, I love seeing you like this.”
“Like what?”
“Hungry…like me.”
She swallowed hard. “I’m starving.”
Damn, I’d messed this up so badly.
I’d been searching for something all my life, and it had been under my nose the entire time.
Her.
My neighbour, friend, and soulmate.
I moved before I could think.
Lurching forward, I collided with her.
Dragging her close, I planted my hand over her eyes and ripped my mask down.
And then, I kissed her.
I kissed her hard and deep, driven by instinct and insanity.
Plunging my tongue into her mouth, I didn’t just give in; I broke.
My self-control snapped.
My morality splintered.
I kissed her like a madman.
She cried out as I forced her lips wide.
But I didn’t stop.
I didn’t stop as I grabbed her jaw and held her firm.
I didn’t stop as I bit and licked and devoured her.
All those urges I’d pushed away. All that hunger I’d done my best to ignore.
I forgot about my rules and reasons.
I didn’t care what this made me or what we would become once we were through.
The only thing that mattered was getting inside the girl I’d watched for most of my life. The girl I’d spied on, longed for, and needed more than anything. The girl who’d leashed and collared me the moment she was born.
Licking her deep, she moaned and licked me back. Her hands found my hair, tugging hard. I didn’t know if she was trying to pull me off her or pull me closer, but I was past the point of reason.
Stopping the kiss, I jerked my mask back up and grabbed her by the waist.
She cried out as I flipped her to face away, pushing between her shoulder blades so she landed on her hands and knees.
Her back arched, teasing me, taunting me, making me groan.
My skin exploded with hypersensitivity. She threw me headfirst into a place I’d never been before. Somewhere dangerous and selfish and I couldn’t stop.
I can’t stop.
I didn’t ask if she was okay being taken this way. I trusted her. She trusted me. And I hated that all of our wonderful connection was based on lies.
Grabbing her hips, I held her firm as I rose behind her.
We turned breathless and shaky. I snarled as I angled myself to that perfect glistening spot. The sharpest electricity crackled through my bones, blasting through my legs.
I was naked.
With Sailor.
I was about to fuck her.
Bare.
I’m about to have a heart attack.
My hips pulsed forward.
She cried out as I fed her a single inch. Her head fell forward, revealing her nape as her hair tumbled around her face.
I had no control as I cupped the back of her neck and held on.
I lost all sense of self as I tensed every muscle and stopped thinking, trying, hoping.
I pulled her back at the same time as I mounted her.
Fiercely. Fully. Meanly.
One moment, we were two separate people.
The next, we were joined in an excruciatingly mind-shattering way.
Silky-hot wetness and nothing else.
Her bareness to my bareness.
My body inside hers with no barrier.
It was the most incredible thing.
The most dangerous thing.
I hissed between my teeth as her core flexed around me, rippling with welcome.
We both lost who we were as we moved together. Deep and ruthless. I thrust into her while holding her nape. My other hand locked on her hip, keeping her in place. My pace increased, faster and faster, harder and harder all while she moaned and whimpered and met me rock for rock.
I lost track of time as I fucked her.
I never wanted it to end, all while knowing I was too close.
My climax didn’t just originate in my balls but in every droplet of blood. It felt as if our skin evaporated, and we fed energy to each other, our bodies siphoning with the same delicious need, the same heart-rendering passion.
“Deeper,” she begged, arching her back and dropping to her elbows.
I obeyed.
Running my nails down her spine, I grabbed her other hip and rode her.
Again and again.
Over and over.
And when she broke apart and came around me, I roared and let go.
For the first time in my life, I was utterly free. Completely mindless.
I took her, ruled her, and the explosion of my orgasm stole my breath, my soul, my heart, granting everything I was to her.
Forever.