48
Zander
Sneak of Shame
I WOKE TO THE WORST CHEST PAINS of my life. A daggering sort of loss that made me gasp for air. The nonsense dream I’d had dissipated the quicker I came back to reality, but the pain didn’t fade.
It only grew worse.
I still had her in my arms, yet…I’d dreamed of her finding out everything. Of all the affection she felt for me bleeding into absolute hate.
Shuddering, I did my best to snap out of it.
I have to go.
Evening had fallen, and the fairy lights strung up over the hexagon shelving on the newly painted wall clicked on as if on a timer.
I froze, waiting for her to wake.
However, she merely snuggled deeper into the cushions, her hips scooting back to steal more of my heat.
Just that one movement made me hard again.
It would be so easy to roll her onto her stomach and take her one last time. To slip inside and—
What’s stopping you?
She wouldn’t be opposed.
But…if I woke her, I lost my opportunity to sneak out of there. I’d have to make up yet more lies about where I was going and why I was never coming back.
Christ, why does this hurt so much?
Peng yawned and popped his little head up from where he lay in an orange ball on a cushion above Sailor’s head. He eyed me as he sniffed with bristling whiskers.
I tore my gaze from his. I had no power to win a cat stare down thanks to the level of guilt I suffered.
Sailor sighed in her sleep, sucker-punching me in the heart.
The thought of never talking to her again, sleeping with her again, being this free with her again almost had me lowering my mouth to her shoulder to kiss her. I didn’t care that I still wore my mask—that the cotton would absorb my kiss not her skin.
I just had to touch her.
Hold her.
I’m so sorry.
Hovering behind her, my eyes went to half-mast as I inhaled the floral scent of her skin and gave in to the insidious creep of lust.
My eyes caught on a shadow.
A finger-shaped shadow on her skin.
Another dagger stabbed directly in my heart.
Bruises.
Colourful bruises marred her nape from where I’d held on while riding her. A few scratches down her spine. A hand sized bruise on her hip from where I’d held her in place.
I almost threw up.
It took all my strength to inch slowly away instead of tearing myself off her with aversion. I trembled with self-hatred as more bruises appeared along her stunning body.
From me.
I did that.
Like him.
She frowned in her dreams as I kneeled above her. She shivered and curled up tighter as if feeling the cold.
Grabbing the blanket folded against the wall, I carefully draped it over her all while crawling farther away.
Too many bruises decorated her.
Bruises so similar to the ones she’d presented with in the ER. Sure, she didn’t have ligature marks or hematomas like that bastard had left her with, but I’d marked her, injured her, and caused physical harm all because I’d lost control and been the worst version of myself.
Fuck.
Launching to my feet, I grabbed my trousers and yanked them on. I didn’t bother finding my t-shirt amongst the rubble of clothing.
This stunning, amazing girl had introduced me to a number of my limits and now she’d just shoved me into the final one.
This was my ultimate line.
I’d made a vow.
Thou shalt do no harm.
And I’d crossed it.
I would never forgive myself. I’d been raised better than this. Gran would be so disappointed in me.
With rage directed entirely at myself and agony breaking me apart, I made sure I had my wallet, snatched up my boots, and took one last look at the damaged angel on the floor.
Then fled out the back door.
* * * * *
“’Sup?”
I swayed from the kitchen, focusing way harder than normal just to do a simple task like walking. I still managed to trip over the tiled lip on the threshold leading into the conservatory.
Stupid whiskey.
“’Sup?” Colin yawned in my ear. “Who are you and what did you do with my friend?”
“Killed him off. That’s what.” I swallowed hard. Why is the room spinning? “He’s gone.”
“If you’re calling to make me become an accessory to murder, I have to tell you, my limit is aiding and abetting stalking. That’s as far as I’m willing to go in this friendship.” He snickered, thinking he was funny. “Why are you calling me at ten p.m.? I thought you’d be gallivanting around town, enjoying your few days off. Or better yet, in bed with a certain neighbour.”
I groaned and collapsed into one of the rattan chairs that Gran used to love to knit in. The wind chimes hung above, silent in the still air. If they suddenly started singing, I was going to freak the fuck out.
The incident in Sailor’s kitchen still sent goosebumps down my spine.
I’d never believed in the supernatural. I was a man of science not superstition, but I had no explanation for what happened over there.
“Did you know I’m haunted?” I hiccupped, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand and reaching for the Johnny Walker again.
I’d long since stopped pouring it from the bottle into a glass. What a waste of time. It was way easier to drink straight from the source.
Colin’s tone sharpened, losing his humour. “You’re haunted? What the hell are you talking about?”
“I mean…” I licked my lips and closed my eyes against the spinning conservatory. “My grandmother and her grandmother are still playing tricks on us, even now.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“I’ve fucked up shoow bad,” I groaned, leaning forward and digging my elbows into my knees. Taking another mouthful of sharp liquor, I wrenched off my glasses and tossed them onto the side table where a stack of crossword puzzle books used to tower from my granddad doing four a day.
“Uh-oh, now it makes sense.” Colin clucked his tongue. “You’re drunk.”
“Am not.”
“You’re slurring.”
“It’s shbetter than hurting.”
“What’s hurting? You okay?” Something shuffled in the background. “You know not to operate heavy machinery when drinking.”
“I hurt her,” I whispered, my voice catching.
“Hurt who?” His tone instantly switched to the supportive doctor vibe I’d heard him use with his patients. Cajoling and kind, but no-nonsense at the same time. “Sailor? You’re saying you hurt your neighbour?”
“I-I’m just like him.”
“Like who?”
“I really messed up, Col.”
“Fuck, you’re legit starting to scare me. Look, come here and sober up, yeah? Grab an Uber and we’ll have a late dinner. Probably best you don’t sleep there tonight.”
“Nah…” I swallowed another bitter mouthful of whiskey fire. “I need to tell her I died and then I’m just gonna crash.”
“Wait. Who’s dying? Don’t do a damn thing until you’ve slept the booze out of your system.”
“Can’t. Need to do this before it’s too late.”
He cursed under his breath. “How much have you had to drink, Zan?”
I eyed the bottle with blurry eyesight and shrugged. “No idesha.”
I took another sip.
I hadn’t meant to call him.
However, the drunker I got, the sadder I became, and I desperately needed someone to figure out how to remove the agonising dagger that’d permanently wedged itself in my heart before I went insane.
Leaning back in the chair, I ran my hand through my hair.
At least it was back to being red.
I’d had a shower and dressed in black track pants and a white tee before aimlessly trying to figure out what to eat.
That was where the whiskey came in.
I’d found no food, only this bottle.
And drinking on an empty stomach and a broken heart did not mix well.
“Do you think she’ll hate me forever?” I mumbled. “Like…if I turned myshhelf in, do you think I could make this all go away?”
“Right, that’s it. I’m coming over.”
“No.” I sloshed the bottle around, making the amber liquid bubble. “I like being alone. I’m meant to be alone. I don’t deserve anyone after what I’ve done.”
“Wow, you’re a depressive drunk. Anyone ever tell you that?” The sound of a key fob beeping echoed down the phone line, followed by the slam of a car door. “Tell me what’s happened. Why are you drinking? And use full sentences instead of this cryptic crap.”
I laughed as if that was the funniest request in the world. And then almost broke into tears because I’d lost the best thing I’d ever found. “I fucked everything up. I just shtold you.”
An engine roared. “Come on, Zan, this isn’t you. You need to sober up and talk to me.”
I sighed heavily and sagged in the chair. “Stop nagging.”
“You never get drunk. Remember why? You don’t get drunk because of your patients. You told me you’d never kill off brain cells doing something as stupid as drinking when it’s clinically proven to murder quite a few of them with every level of intoxication.”
“You’re annoying.”
“I’m right, that’s what’s annoying.” He huffed. “I’m ten minutes away. Put the bottle down and go eat something.”
“I have no food.” I sighed heavily. “No wonder she doesn’t want to be with me. I can’t even stock my fridge.”
“Okay, new plan. I’ll be there in twenty, and I’ll pick up a pizza. But I’m warning you, Zander, stop drinking right now. Whatever’s bugging you, you can talk to me about it when I get there.”
He hung up.
I sucked back more whiskey.
If only the burn in my throat would erase the burn in my heart.