Chapter 23
MARA
Istand at the window, my arms crossed over my middle, looking down at the city. My head is still spinning from the lovemaking… no, the wild, adventurous fucking. It was absolutely amazing, the sort of intoxicating experience I never imagined I’d have before we started making eyes at each other.
All the close calls, all the near misses, all the tension—it snapped.
I’ve never had orgasms like that before.
Never even had more than one in a single instance.
When he was going down on me, I was the one object of his unbroken desire.
He was making hungry noises like he’ll never be able to get enough.
I need to focus. I need to get Sylvie from school soon. And I came here for a reason.
“Are you calm enough yet?” I ask.
He laughs gruffly. “Sure.”
I turn, realizing he’s lying. He’s still looking at me like he’s ready to devour me a second time. My body is aching, but I honestly think I could do it again. Once the kissing and the touching get started… He smirks, like he knows what I’m thinking.
“Calvi,” I say. “Does that name mean anything to you?”
He approaches, lowering his voice. “I need to search you again.”
I push my hand against his chest, feeling his muscles swell against me. My body won’t give me a break. Now we’ve opened Pandora’s Box, the lid doesn’t want to shut.
“You’re going to have to trust me. I’m not recording you. I’d never do that.”
He swallows. “That would be a foolish decision for a man in my position to make.”
“More foolish than fucking your nanny on your big fancy desk?”
He smiles, brushing his hand across my face. “There was nothing foolish about how you were riding my dick.”
I turn my gaze away. “So vulgar. So gross.”
But I don’t mean it. His husky words activate the lust in me, somehow, impossibly, like two orgasms aren’t enough. Like we could stay in this office for weeks and never stop until we’re both melted messes.
He takes a step back. Sighs. “I trust you,” he says.
“You don’t sound so happy about it.”
“Because I shouldn’t,” he replies. “But I believe you when you say you won’t betray me, won’t betray Sylvie.”
“You’re one of the good guys, remember?”
He shakes his head. “I never said that. I said I do good things, sometimes, but use bad methods.”
“Hell to heaven, yeah, I got all that.”
“I’m not a hero,” he snarls. “I’m a man who’s given large parts of himself to the shadows. I’m never getting them back. I’ve—gone all the way, Mara, and I’m not talking about what we did on that desk.”
I swallow. I know what he means. He’s killed people. “Were you justified?” I ask.
“Would that make a difference?”
“Yes, actually, yes it would.”
He grinds his teeth. “I was justified. That’s why so many people in this world hate me. They want me in the muck with them.”
“I need to know about Calvi,” I tell him. “My neighbor told me my parents borrowed money from him to help a friend. They couldn’t pay back. Then my aunt took up the debt.”
“I think your aunt wanted to keep you away from all that,” he says.
I stumble back, shocked. “So you knew, all this time?”
“I don’t know anything,” he says fiercely. “One of my men got his hands on some loan sharks records. That’s sloppy work, so I’m not sure if they are real. We’re in the middle of a skirmish and they’re trying all sorts of trickery. It would be reasonable to assume this was more bullshit.”
“But why?”
“To try and make me distrust you. To make me think you’re a Calvi spy.”
“What?” I look at this man, my new lover, and wonder if this really has become my life. “You think I’m spying for another mob organization?” Just saying that makes me feel dizzy with how surreal it is.
“This is an insane coincidence,” he says, shrugging.
“Your family being linked to my biggest adversary, not that my wife is gone. But no, I never thought you were spying. One of my men mentioned it might be a possibility. As for your aunt, what I said about her keeping you out of the life, well—it’s common sense.
Who would want to be part of this life?”
“So, what do you know, exactly?” I say, walking right up to him. But not touching, because I know where that will lead. And I’m aching for it again already.
“Not much. Your parents’ names were connected with this shark. There was a note, asking if the daughter could pay, with a fucked-up little smiley face beside it.”
“Where’s the shark now?” I demand.
He swallows, shaking his head. “I don’t know.”
“How can you have this information and not know?”
He picks the best and worst possible moment to pull me against him for a kiss. I’m raging, full of heat, which somehow makes sparking into hot pleasure even easier. But he can’t just kiss me and make it all go away… except, for long moments, he can. He does.
I push away from him. “That’s not an answer.”
“You’re too damn addictive.”
“Try to be a civilized grown up.”
“Stop twitching like that, and maybe I will,” he says darkly.
I’m not twitching. Am I? The fact I can’t be sure drives me crazy. And not in a bad way.
He runs a hand through his hair, looking at me with feral eyes. “I ask for information and my men give it to me. I don’t always demand every single detail. Unless I suspect this man might be going too far, but this one, the one who got this information, is ironclad. He’s my most trusted man.”
“Can you ask him?” I say. “I’d like to speak with this loan shark.”
He hesitates, massaging his jaw.
“What’s the issue?” I demand.
“If I do that, I tip my hand. There are dozens of lives and millions of dollars at stake. I want to help you, but if I go digging too obviously, we’re screwed. I was only able to…”
“What?” I demand again, when he trails off.
He gets this heartbreaking look on his face, averting his gaze. I walk up to him and grab his face in my hands, making him look at me. His hands twitch like he wants to grab me.
“Tell me,” I say.
“This is hellish business,” he growls.
“I can take it.”
“You shouldn’t want to take it.”
“I can tolerate a lot, Ettore,” I say. “I can tolerate being treated badly. Or never feeling like I belong. Or the people in my life not being perfect. But I can’t tolerate lies.”
“It’s not a lie to avoid certain topics,” he snaps.
“It is when I’m asking.”
He turns away. “I beat a man to death thirty minutes before you arrived,” he growls.
“He assaulted a pregnant woman. She could’ve lost her child.
He was involved in a plot against me and my Family.
There are plates spinning, Mara, that have nothing to do with any of this.
With you. With me. But if I don’t stay focused, they’ll get me.
They’ll win. The war could kill you. My daughter.
It could change everything. That’s what’s at stake here. ”
I stare at his back, his trembling shoulders, so shocked I can’t even speak. He’s hinted at heaven and hell. I’m not entirely in the dark. But vague hints and this… it’s different.
“I need to pick Sylvie up,” I murmur.
“Yes, you do,” he says, tone dark. It’s like he’s saying, And you need to remember your place.
“Can you try to learn more, in whatever way you can? My neighbor said they were threatening my parents. What if the car crash wasn’t an accident?”
He flinches slightly at that. I wonder if he’s thinking about his late wife. This is such a mess.
I leave the office, head held high, relieved when I see that his secretary isn’t at the desk. Maybe she sensed what was going on and left early to not impose on our privacy.
As I ride the elevator down, my phone vibrates. It’s a text from Ettore.
Ettore: I’ll try.
Mara: That’s all we can do.
The rest of the day goes on as normal. I bury my feelings and put on a bright, happy facade for Sylvie. I think I’ve done a good job until bedtime, when she pulls up her covers and says, “You don’t have to read to me if you don’t want to.”
“I want to,” I tell her.
“You’re smiling but you’re sad,” she says simply.
I feel gutted and seen. She has an incredible ability to perceive.
“Are you happy?” I ask.
She nods sleepily. “Daddy is being really nice and Livia is smiling more and you’re really nice too.”
“Then how could I be sad, huh?” I say, winking. “Now, let’s get this story started…”
As I read, I lose myself in the simple story. And ignore the fact that a few hours ago, I was with her father. The heat between us, not just physically, but the heightened emotions now that we’ve crossed that physical threshold… it’s otherworldly. Soon, Sylvie is sleeping.
I leave her quietly, going to the guestroom.
Though, it’s starting to feel more like my bedroom now.
I’ve put up a photo of me outside one of my favorite foster homes, sitting on the porch, knitting in my lap.
I sometimes feel pathetic for displaying this, my one chance at a new life…
and they didn’t even want me. But I can’t sink into the darkness.
I’ve held off on texting Ettore all day. Now, I sit in bed and take the chance.
Mara: Any news?
Ettore: Nothing concrete. This is all ancient history, though, so I doubt there will be anything solid.
Mara: It’s not ancient to me.
Ettore: No, Mara, you’re right. I shouldn’t have phrased it like that. I just mean that the leads will have gone cold after so long.
Mara: I know what you mean. I’m sorry. I’m feeling touchy.
Ettore: You don’t need to apologize to me.
Mara: Why didn’t you come and tell me as soon as you suspected something?
Ettore: I had to be sure.
Mara: And you had to entertain the possibility I was a spy.
Ettore: I never believed that.
Mara: But a man in your position has to be realistic.
A killer in his position. He admitted to beating a man to death right before we had sex. That should be enough to send me running for the hills. Do I think I can tame his darkness? Or am I slowly accepting that I might have a little darkness of my own?
Ettore texts, ignoring my point
Ettore: The loan shark is no longer with us. But I have something. Meet me out back in five.