19. Thad
Thad
“Lift up your arms.”
Emerson’s arms dangled at her sides and just as she’d made no effort to help as I’d taken off her muddy boots, socks, and pants, she wasn’t moving now.
“ Agápi mou —”
“Stop calling me that. Just stop.” Her green eyes flashed with anger.
I’d take any emotion she wanted to offer over the deadened stare she’d had since we’d left Garcia’s camp.
She hadn’t spoken. She’d allowed me to move her where I’d wanted her.
She’d been silent when I’d picked her up and carried her into the bathroom.
And while she hadn’t aided in my undressing her thus far, she hadn’t protested.
Until right then.
And it wasn’t because I was peeling off her clothes, it was because I’d called her a name that meant something to her. To both of us. The first time I’d spoken the Greek term of endearment to her, she’d melted. And every time after that, her eyes had sparkled when I’d said it.
“Lift up your arms. ”
She did and asked, “Why didn’t you stop her?”
I didn’t answer her and debated whether or not I should remove her bra and panties. I’d seen her naked hundreds of times. I’d had her every way a man could take his woman. Tasted every spectacular inch of her. I could remember every freckle that dotted her skin.
Yeah, bra and panties stayed on.
My boots, socks, and tee were already in a pile next to hers. I dropped my cargos and stepped out of them, thinking my boxers were staying on, too.
This wasn’t about me getting some, or rekindling any sexual fantasy. Emerson was covered in swamp mud and she needed a shower. She also couldn’t be alone. Not until the shock of seeing her sister had worn off.
Though thinking on it, I didn’t think she’d ever get over seeing Autumn that way. That shit would mark her deep. And I couldn’t say it hadn’t hit me square in the gut, too, seeing the young, vibrant woman I’d seen in pictures looking hollow.
“Why aren’t you answering me?” she snapped as I led her into the shower.
After making sure the water had warmed up enough, I turned her so she was under the spray and watched as the caked-on mud started to dissolve and run down her forehead, cheeks, neck, then between her ample breasts before it finished its path down her stomach.
“Babe, make sure that doesn’t get in your eyes.”
Even after my directive, she made no move to stop the dirty water from sluicing down her face. Tiny droplets of muddy water clung to her long lashes and she blinked them away.
She was a mess.
And not just with jungle grime. She looked defeated.
Her fists balled up and they both slammed into my chest. “ You could’ve stopped her. You could’ve made her come with us.”
She continued to pound and I made no gesture to stop her. She needed this, needed someone to take her frustration out on.
“I hate you.” She banged one more time and her face dropped. “I hate you so much. Why’d you let her leave?”
“Because there wasn’t time. I needed to get you out of there,” I answered.
Her head came up and her hair was a tangled mess. And when I brushed the dirty locks off her face and my fingertips glided against her skin, I knew I’d made a huge mistake.
“You should’ve saved her.”
God, those green eyes. I’d missed them so damn much.
I’d spent many nights thinking how beautiful our babies would be if they got her pretty eyes.
Fuck.
I grabbed the shampoo from the ledge and dumped a dollop in my palm.
Without thinking I started to lather up her hair. I should’ve waited, given myself a moment to brace before I touched her again. But I hadn’t, and the repercussions of having my hands on her, even in her dirty hair, were bearing down on me.
“You should’ve saved her,” Emerson whispered.
I ignored her. Partly because I was fighting to keep my head right under the weight of every emotion that had flooded me, and partly because I wasn’t ready to admit why that would’ve never happened.
There was no chance I was leaving Emerson’s side, not even to save her sister. And most especially after Autumn had told us Emerson was marked.
I wouldn’t be sharing my reasons behind choosing Emerson. Those were mine and mine alone. And until I figured out where my head was at, they’d stay that way.
“Lean your head back and rinse.”
Like a zombie she did what I asked and more dirt washed down the drain.
When she righted her head and her gaze came to mine, I couldn’t take the pain I saw. I wanted to pull her to me and promise I’d make everything right. Instead I told her to turn around. I was a coward; I couldn’t make that promise and I couldn’t bear to look at her pretty face any longer.
I picked up the soap and rubbed it between my hands. When the suds bubbled over, I looked up and went solid.
My name. Up close and personal. The black lettering went shoulder blade to shoulder blade.
Fuck.
Before I could stop myself, I traced the lines with my finger.
“Why’d you get this?”
“I needed you with me. There were times in the darkness when all I had was your name. The reminder there are good men in the world and at one time I’d been loved by one. No matter where I was or who I was with, I was branded, my heart owned, and no one could touch that. Not that part of me.”
I felt the air leave my lungs and I didn’t know how to process what she’d told me.
“Why didn’t you come back to me, after you found Autumn?”
I’d been gnawing on that for days. Ever since I’d read the report and knew that Autumn had been rescued. There were two years unaccounted for between when her sister had been found and Tex had found the bit of intel on her.
“I was going to. We got Autumn back and then I listened to the voicemails and read the text messages you’d sent. By the time I’d heard the last one, even though I knew it was too late and I’d hurt you too badly to forgive me, I still called. I wanted to explain why.”
“You didn’t call.”
“I did. It went to voicemail and I was too much of a chickenshit to leave a message. I tried again a few weeks later and your phone went straight to voicemail again. After that I thought it was best to leave you alone. It’d been months by then and I figured you’d moved on and wouldn’t want to hear from me, anyway. ”
“You thought wrong,” I spat and turned her around to face me, then I turned us again so her back was to the wall and mine was under the spray.
“I never moved on. Not in the months after you left and not in the years since. Not knowing where you were or what happened to you crushed me.”
I was holding on to both of her wrists and when I heard her whimper I let go.
Soaking wet with hair stuck to her face she was still the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen.
“I’m sorry.” Her words spoken in a hushed tone and the water pounding on my back, I barely heard her.
But I felt her when she placed her palms on my chest. “So damn sorry. I didn’t know what to do.
I was scared and then when we got Autumn back everything went bad.
All I wanted was you. I knew you would’ve known what to do.
How to help. My life had crumbled and you were gone. ”
I wasn’t gone . I hadn’t left her by my choice. She’d run away from me and then stayed away. She could’ve fixed us, put the broken pieces back together, but she hadn’t.
I stepped back and her hands fell away.
No more touching.
“Can you handle the rest?” I asked, moving back another step .
“What?”
“Can you finish cleaning up?”
Her forehead wrinkled and her eyes looked wounded, but worry not, this new Emerson knew how to hide what she was feeling.
“Could’ve done it on my own in the first place.” She snapped straight and pressed her shoulders back, the movement drawing my eyes to her breasts as they pushed forward.
The only sign of distress that I could see was the hammering of her heart slamming against her chest.
“Right,” I muttered and turned to step out.
“Why’d you bother—?”
“Don’t, Emerson.”
“What do you want from me? I answer your questions and the answers piss you off. When you ask and I tell you that the answer is none of your business, that pisses you off. So what is it you want from me?”
Was she for real?
“Babe, this isn’t me pissed. This is me with my heart torn out. And I’m sorry, I think I have the right to be not only pissed, but hurt as well.”
“So what? You wanna draw blood? Want me to bleed? ” She pointed at me and leaned forward.
“Want your pound of flesh? Newsflash, Thaddeus, I’ve got nothing left.
It won’t matter what I say, no answer will excuse what I did.
I have to live with that. What I did to you.
But hear this, there’s nothing you can do to hurt me.
I already hurt. Every day. My soul bleeds.
My heart aches. My insides are empty. I did that to myself.
I did it for my sister. You wanna beat me down, yell at me, curse my name, hate me, go ahead.
I deserve it. But you’re gonna do it knowing that every day, I’ve thought of you.
Every day I’ve missed you. Every goddamn day when I wished that someone would hurry up and kill me, because death would be a blessing, I did it loving you.
That never changed. And after you and your team take me wherever it is you guys are going to drop me off, it won’t change then, either. ”
My hands went to her neck before they glided up and cupped her cheeks. I brought my mouth down a hair’s breadth away and I paused. I could feel her exhaling on my lips.
I wanted to taste her, claim her mouth like I’d done millions of times.
But I couldn’t.
I started to pull away and she whimpered her protest.
“I’m selfish,” I told her. “I wanna take what’s in front of me and drown in the memories of us.
What we had, what we lost. Take everything and give you nothing.
But I can’t. I’m not that man. And as much as I want to say I haven’t thought of you, I have.
And I wish I could tell you I stopped loving you and I moved on, I can’t do that either.
I still love you so fucking much it hurts, and now I know it’s gonna hurt until the end of time and I’ve made peace with that. ”
I dropped my hands, and with one last look, I walked away.
Touching her was stupid.
Kissing her would’ve been insane.
Sticking my dick in her would’ve been a death sentence.