chapter four.
brix
“If I were you, I’d tell them and get it over with,” Zealand says right before he takes a swing.
We’re at Christenbury Golf Range. I’m supposed to be blowing off some steam, but it’s become a therapy session with me spilling all my woes on a good friend of mine.
He’s an editor for The Christenbury Times – the top magazine in the area.
By the way he’s swinging that nine-iron, he’s going to need a chiropractor.
His form is all off. It looks like a mix of dancing and a dry heave.
But you can’t tell him he ain’t PGA ready.
“I mean, think about it,” he continues. “If it were me, I would let it rip, bruh. Why would you not tell them?”
“Simple. I’m their golden child. Their only child. They’ve planned my life. They study everything I do, and everything has to be in line with the vision they have for me.”
“Yeah, but you’re a grown, rusty man now, bruh.”
“Rusty?”
He snickers. “You know what I mean, dawg. You’re grown grown. I can see how their suggestions and whatnot have influenced you when you were in high school, even in college, but man, you’re thirty-five years old and you’re scared of your parents?”
“Wait–don’t get it twisted, my guy. I’m not scared of them. I respect them. I don’t want to disappoint them.”
“I hate to be so blunt about it, but where was that energy with Cynnamon?”
His question is jarring to hear, but he’s always given it to me straight no matter what the circumstances were.
I can’t do anything but reflect on what he’s asking me and produce an answer.
The only thing is, I don’t have one. There’s no excuse for the way I shut Cynnamon out. She definitely deserves more.
I say, “I don’t have an answer for that. I failed Cynnamon. I’m painfully aware of that. Trust me.”
“Ay, I get it. That’s why I thought your best course of action was just to tell your parents.”
“Yeah, maybe you’re right,” I say, defeated.
I take a swing at the ball and then take a seat. I wasn’t up for this, and now I’m seriously not.
I sit down and stare out into the green landscape, watching as little white balls litter the grass.
It’s funny how life is like golf – some swings are enough to put the ball in the right vicinity to the hole, while others end up in a sandpit, or water.
The good times are sometimes few and far between while, many times, life deals us blows that we should expect but are not ready for.
No one goes into this world – into life – thinking they’re going to fail.
It’s certainly not how I went into marriage.
Zealand joins me on the bench and says, “Ah, man. I’m already wiped out.”
“I’m not wiped out—just not feeling it. I think I’m going to pack it up.”
“I hear you, but listen, Brix—you can’t move forward in life if you’re still stuck in the past. It’s one thing if you want to repair what’s broken in your marriage, but if it’s over—if it’s really over—then why are you hanging on to it? To her?”
“You know why.”
“You still love her.”
“Of course I do. You know how I feel about Cyn. She’s the only woman I’ve ever loved and ever wanted to love.”
“But that’s not helping your present set of circumstances. Your parents are coming to town. Ain’t no way you and Cynnamon repairing anything in that short amount of time. So, what are you going to do if she doesn’t agree to your lil’ plan?”
“That’s the question of the hour. I suppose I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.”
He pats me on the shoulder – one of those friendly pats that tells me I’m going to need all the prayers I can get to deal with the situation.
And he would be right.
“What’s been up with you? Last I heard, you were obsessing over a woman on VideoTok.”
He grins. “I wasn’t obsessing. I was just admiring her attitude.”
“Her attitude must be better than just ordinary women you meet in your day-to-day activities, huh?”
“Just because she makes videos doesn’t mean she’s abnormal.”
“It doesn’t?”
“No. A lot of people do social media.”
“I’m just messing with you, man. Hey, if you like her, why not jump in her DM?”
“The funny thing is, she messaged me.”
“What?”
“Okay, well more specifically, she emailed the magazine. She wants to be featured, probably to help her brand.”
“Well, that’s your in.”
“I don’t know. I wasn’t sure if I should.”
“Why not, man?”
“Because I like her already, so I already feel like there’s a conflict of interest.”
“Are you kidding? That’s not even close to a conflict of interest. She sent an inquiry. Just see how it plays out.”
“Maybe. I have to figure out something soon. I’ve been rereading her email for the last two weeks, and it’s been sitting in my inbox for longer than that.”
“You’re a smart man. You’ll figure out what to do.”
“Looks like we both have decisions to make.
“Looks that way.”
For lunch, I stop by Muno’s Deli to get a roast beef sandwich, a bag of chips, and unsweetened green tea, then head to Monticello Park.
I drift over here mostly because, had I not gone to the range with Zealand this morning, this is where I would’ve been – jogging and taking in the scenery while burning some calories.
Right now, I’ll enjoy the park without having to break a sweat. I just take a seat and eat.
The air is crisp. In Christenbury Hills, November can feel like fall or winter due to its close proximity to Black Mountain.
Today, it’s more like a fall day. The trees are mostly barren except for the evergreens.
The city takes extra care to maintain the grass out here and clean up the leaves, but I don’t mind the foliage.
It’s fall. Leaves are supposed to be plentiful, decorating the ground in all their glory.
Nature is messy and beautiful at the same time.
It resets. Renews. It does this like clockwork, every year, and nothing stops it.
But seasons can’t feel what we feel. Can’t experience love.
Can’t smell the intoxicating scent of a woman. Can’t—
“My eyes must be deceiving me.”
I hear the familiar voice of the woman I love behind me, interrupting my self-reflection. I turn around to see Cynnamon standing there. Her cousin Evie is a ways behind her on the phone, pacing and overly gesturing.
I twist my body slightly to the left so I can see Cyn and say, “Your eyes are not deceiving you. It’s me in the flesh.”
“Wow. You actually have time to spend at the park. You must be turning a new leaf with this work thing, huh?”
She loves antagonizing me with her beautiful self.
I look her up and down from her pretty hair, to her sneakers.
She’s wearing a two-piece light mint-colored workout set – the kind of pants that conform to her shape, along with the matching zip-up top.
Her hair is tossed up into a ponytail, the way she usually wears it when she’s exercising.
She always keeps her body in shape, hence that tiny waist of hers.
It’s been a minute since I’ve wrapped my arms around her and swayed from side-to-side in a simple dance.
A hug. Shoot – I’d take anything at this point.
I ask, “What are y’all up to on this beautiful day?”
“Not much—just getting my steps in. I have to keep this body tight for my new husband,” she says, slapping her butt.
“Go’on somewhere with that, Cyn. Ain’t no new nothing coming around here.”
She laughs. “You’re funny.”
“Do you see me laughing?”
“Whatever. I came over here to tell you I decided I’ll do your lil’ devious scheme, but by the way you’re acting right now, I may change my mind.”
“How am I acting?”
“Like we’re still a couple.”
“We are. We’re still married, Cyn.”
“For now,” she tosses back, hiking her brows.
I internalize my angst at her antagonistic behavior, sucking it all in. I have to if she’s agreeing to help me with my plan.
Needing a definite answer, I ask, “So, are you in or out?”
“I’m in, but just so you know, I don’t want to do this to your parents. They deserve to know the truth.”
“And they will.”
“When?”
“When the time is right.”
She shakes her head, seemingly out of disappointment. “I’m doing this for them—not you—by the way.”
All I can do is stare, trying to determine how we drifted so far apart that she literally has no regard for my feelings – almost like she never loved me at all.
Where’s the empathy? At this point, I don’t think she can even fake-love me in front of my parents.
I guess I’m still fortunate that she agreed to it.
“You look nice today,” I tell her, because she does look nice. I missed a million opportunities to tell her that when we were together, but I won’t miss it today.
“Uh–did you hear what I said? I said I’ll do it.”
“Yeah, I heard you, and I understand you’re not doing it for me. Whatever the case, thank you for helping me out.”
Her eyes narrow as she stares down at me. She reaches for my bag of chips and starts eating them like they’re hers.
I say, “I did tell you my folks would be here next Wednesday, right?”
“Yep.” She tosses another chip in her mouth, crunching intentionally loud while staring at me.
“I’m going to need you there the day before.”
Pausing from sliding more of my chips between her ample-sized lips, she frowns, darts her head back, and looks at me like she’s disgusted. “For what purpose?”
“Well, I can’t have you bringing in a suitcase while they’re here. That’ll look suspicious. Besides, we need to go over some things.”
She shakes her head. “Do you realize how ridiculous this sounds?” She resumes munching.
“It is what it is at this point, and you said you were in, right?”
She crosses her arms.
I say, “If you’re in, Cyn, I need you to be all the way in.”
“Okay, Jeez! I got it. I’ll be there on Tuesday.”
“What does your work schedule look like next week?”
“I work Monday and Tuesday–off for the rest of the week. So, I guess after I get off work on Tuesday, I’ll head over with my bag.”
“That works out.”
“Sure it does, for you,” she mumbles. “But then again, that’s all that matters, isn’t it? Anyway, I gotta go.”
“Tuesday. Don’t forget.”
She places the empty potato chip bag on my lap and says, “You know what would be messed up, Brix?”
“What’s that?”
“Me committing to this and when the time comes, I don’t show up. Wouldn’t that be something?” she asks, then walks back over to where Evie had just ended her call. They continue along the train, getting their steps.
I don’t take my eyes off Cynnamon until she’s out of sight.
I’m the bane of her existence. That’s possibly due to the fact that I’m the one who pursued her.
It was never the other way around. And as a man, I’ve come to realize that many times, we chase what we want and then when we finally get it, we become stagnant.
It’s like, the chase is over. Now what? But that’s the reason why marriages fall apart.
It’s the era when separations and divorces occur.
Where two people who love each other can no longer see eye-to-eye.
What’s interesting about my particular case is, as much as I still love Cyn, as much as I desire and admire her, I don’t think there’s a thing I can do to get her back.