Chapter 5
Kai, Sophomore Year of College
Oli and Jonah didn’t go back to school this semester, and I can’t say I wasn’t a little bit jealous. My education was very important to me, but the process of getting it was harder than I’d imagined. University was fine, and so were my friends. But spending all day in school, all afternoon in dance classes, and all night working at the bar was proving to be just a bit too much.
It’s just that I couldn’t quit dance classes; that was my thing, I was a dancer. I couldn’t quit the bar; I needed money to get myself out of that awful student housing and into a small apartment. I’d also picked up a client as a social media manager and ran his accounts during the day, which was flexible with my schedule and offered me another stream of income. So, I couldn’t quit that either. I really did need that money. And I couldn’t quit school; it was school, after all. But by the spring of my sophomore year, I was mere moments away from giving up entirely, forcing myself to get a grip in the dirty bathroom of the bar where I worked, only two hours into another night shift.
“Stop, stop, stop.” I groaned to myself, pulling at my hair and watching a hot tear fall off the end of my nose as I leaned over the sink. My body was off-kilter from what Javi and I had just done in the storage room; a futile attempt to make me feel better after a long day. I hardly felt presentable enough to go back out and work, but that’s what I was here for. “Suck it in, Kai. Just suck it all back in.”
I took a deep breath and slapped my cheeks before smiling at myself in the mirror and returning to the bar. There was a mass of people standing in front of it, holding money out and yelling drink orders into the air as if my co-worker could hear all of them at the same time over the music. We caught eyes in silent understanding of our shared suffering.
Two days. That’s how long it had been since I’d slept. Given the schedule I maintained, the time I had to myself was minimal, though I found it in sparse moments as I cried in the bathroom. I was grateful, really, albeit tired. Not everyone can say they have a job, or a family, or a partner, or an education. My busy schedule was not only a lesson but a privilege. So, no complaints.
I wiped down the sticky counter with a dirty rag and stuck two glasses on it, just barely pouring a pair of drinks before the bell sounded. That was my cue. Like I was a fucking cow or something.
No, sorry. No complaints.
I pushed myself up onto the bar, revealing the entirety of my red, lace bodysuit to the rest of the club. For the two songs I was required to dance, I thought about one thing and one thing only. Jonah would hate to see me up here. That’s what I always thought about as I ignored the crowd of people in want of a drink while I wasted all our time up here gyrating. I loved to dance. I loved that I was making a living. I even liked the costumes they put me in sometimes. But I just knew Jonah’s grumpy ass would hate this place. Almost as much as I secretly did.
The bar finally closed at 5:00 a.m., and I began clean-up. I was a bartender, dancer, sex-thing, and cleaner all in one, for the very low price of not-even-enough-money-to-live-comfortably. I made it home by 6:30 a.m. Not bad. That gave me three whole hours to sleep before heading to my Friday morning class at 10:00 a.m. At least I had that going for me.
Before I knew it, I was awake once again and pulling myself together for the day. Using a smile to cover up the throbbing in my tired head, I made sure to look like I was paying attention in each of my classes, nodding every few minutes. The act was arguably harder than school itself, and time seemed to just pass by whether my consciousness was in it for the ride or not.
I knew I was tired, I knew I had a headache, and I knew there was no end in sight to the way I felt, but I noticed little else. The stress and burnout had accumulated to such a point that I’d need a full reset if I wanted to feel any better. If only I could stick myself in a bowl of rice, blow into my console, or try to unplug myself, wait five minutes, and plug myself back in.
By the afternoon, I found myself sitting in the university’s dining hall across from Ana and Rachel with my usual grin plastered across my face. I sent a new post up to my client’s Instagram page while simultaneously trying to decompress from the day and confirm my plans with the girls for tonight. “What’s new, ladies?”
“What are you so giddy about?” Rachel asked, her hand dragging down her temple and smearing black mascara over her cheek as her finger trailed.
I clicked around on the screen to make sure all recent comments and messages were answered. “I’m young and alive, Rachel. What are you so down about?”
“We drank way too much last night,” Ana said with a giggle. I knew that. I had been the one to serve them. It was pretty funny, actually, until I had to clean their insides off the bathroom floor. They’d eaten a green salad before going out. It was a mistake they would not make again.
“Well, today’s the first official day of Semana Santa, and I’ve convinced Javi to get me the whole week off,” I reminded them, finally being able to reap the benefits of the weeks of begging my manager—who also happened to be my boyfriend—for a rest. Last year I’d worked part-time at some bar downtown, and it was a decent balance between working at parties and enjoying them. But this year? At this bar with Javi as my manager plus a daytime gig plus school? Life was all work, no play. “So, I say we all get home by 5:00 and revive ourselves. We’re meeting at my parents’ house for dinner at 9:00, aren’t we? Then out on the town?”
“Yes.” Ana’s blue eyes shined through the pain I knew she felt. I bumped her fist with mine. She was a trooper.
“Ugh.” Rachel hid her smile behind her fingers. I grabbed her shoulder and shook it ferociously in celebration of our confirmed girls’ night out.
Ana and Rachel were great. We had lots of things in common. For example, we were girls, we were in college, and we grew up in the United States. Their willingness to rally and explore the world with me was truly unmatched, and I couldn’t have asked for better partners in crime. Sure, they were no competition for my Jo and Oli. But honestly, I wasn’t sure I would ever move back to California, so I had to at least try to enjoy my new life and friends.
After a coffee, a nap, and a shower, I found the girls once again at the front entrance of my parents’ apartment building, the day zipping before my eyes as usual. We buzzed in, climbed the stairs, and arrived at the apartment to find that the door was already cracked open. I wasn’t sure why Mom and Dad hadn’t come to greet us as they usually did. Perhaps they were getting tired of me. It’s not like we never saw each other.
I entered and rounded the corner to leave my shoes on the rack, replacing them with my designated pair of house slippers as I looked around. My mom stood in the kitchen, but she made no effort to come and say hi to me. Strange. I was surprised to see her speaking to a girl through the doorway, and my brain failed to produce even a single idea of who she could’ve been. The girl’s back was turned, so I couldn’t make out any distinguishable features, but I noted her long, brown hair and the smile on my mom’s face. Not once in the last year and eight months since we’d moved had my parents invited someone over when the girls and I came for dinner.
Just then, my father slipped out of the bathroom. I caught him on his way back up the hall.
“?Quién e’ esa tipa?” I whispered to him. Who is that chick?
He just smiled and led me into the living room as my confusion grew.
Ana and Rachel were still standing by the door, so I motioned to them to follow me in, determined to figure out what was going on. My parents never kept secrets, so my best guess at what was occurring was that someone had wiped their brains and turned them into minions. There was no other logical explanation as to why they’d fail to greet me or tell me about a house guest.
Once in the living room, I caught sight of two heads poking over the back of the couch. One was noticeably burlier than the other, with short, brown hair. The other was much smaller, with long, pitch-dark hair. Instantaneously, it all made sense, the puzzle pieces snapping together almost magnetically in my head. My heart flew out of my chest and right through the open window.
Without a word, I ran toward the couch and dove face-first between the heads. My nose crashed into the cushions, and I began the process of flipping myself over until I was face up on the seat with my legs over the back of the furniture. Jonah and Oli tackled me in a hug, and I squeezed the life out of them, trapping each of their necks in my arms.
For a while, I was genuinely scared I’d never see them again. I knew in my heart it wasn’t true. They were my best friends. There was no way I was really going to live the rest of my life without them, but I sure as hell wasn’t in a position to afford a plane ticket or a vacation and I just couldn’t see the end of it.
But those had become worries for another day, because they were here, right in front of me, holding me. The untroubled daughter my parents knew and the hollow party girl my girlfriends knew both hid away for a moment, allowing the nail-biting, shirt-pulling, penny-smushing Kai to finally crawl back out into the light.
It turned out the chick in the kitchen was the infamous June Sharma; Oli’s pride and joy, his true passion, the one thing he couldn’t get enough of. I recognized her immediately once I finally saw her face. How could I not? She had the most beautiful, brown eyes and the most excellent eyebrows I’d ever seen. She was breathtaking, and Oli was so desperately in love with her. His smart, beautiful Juni.
We all sat down in a circle across chairs, couches, and a loveseat, and I found myself overwhelmed with joy as I looked around at the room full of people I loved. This was precisely what I’d been missing all these months. The fluttering in my heart moved down my arms and to my hands, and I was simply engulfed by the sensation.
Margaritas, I thought. My specialty. That would make this perfect moment even more perfect. My wiggly, happy body slipped off to the kitchen to prepare drinks for eight as the difficulties of my life disappeared like dirty water being slicked away from a windshield.
I hadn’t even gotten all of the limes prepared for drinks yet when a familiar voice sounded from the doorway of the kitchen. “Need help?” Oh, how I loved hearing him right behind me and not through a phone speaker. His voice was so familiar and so sweet, and he over-articulated every syllable in a way that was just so intrinsically Jonah.
I jumped up and down in place, my energy and excitement having nowhere else to go but out. “Jonah.” I let out a breath as I turned in little hops to face him.
He had grown since the last time we saw each other. He was still wearing a black, short-sleeved button-down and black skinny jeans. That much hadn’t changed in seven years. His pants never differed and his shirts were on a steady rotation of the same few tees on most days, a big black sweatshirt on colder days, and one of three dark, short-sleeved button-downs when he was meant to look presentable. His hair still hung past his shoulders, draping around his face. But he had become lankier, more angular. He even looked more apathetic than ever. Really progressing on all counts.
“Gosh, Jo. You’re so bitter, it’s showing on the outside now,” I said as I looked him over.
“In a sexy way?”
I snorted. Jonah was funny like that. Over the years, he’d become a little less twitchy and much more sarcastic, though I think he thought he was far more mysterious than he actually was. Or maybe it was just me. As scornful as he became, he’d never stop being a total dork.
“In a concerning way,” I answered, glancing up to meet his green eyes.
“And you look like a Barbie doll,” he teased.
“In a sexy way?” I bowed my chin, widening my gaze as much as I could. He wouldn’t be able to answer. I did look sexy; there was no question about it. Not that I’m a self-absorbed bitch or anything. I could easily name a minimum of thirty-six things that I’d be desperate to change about myself. But my corset top pushed my bust up in a distracting way and my eyes poked out from beneath the short pieces of hair around my face. For what I was, I think I looked hot.
Jonah cocked his jaw and smiled, accepting his loss and turning back toward the counter.
“I’m just kiddin’,” I said, waving my hand down at him though not turning away just yet. I wanted to observe him more. “You look good.”
“You too.”
I let my eyes roam his outfit, his jaw, the bony little knobs on his thin wrists, before my gaze snagged on his forearm. “Hey, let me see that.” I grabbed his fingers, staring at the giant, abstract tattoo that spread from the edge of his hand to his elbow. Black shapes and swirls crawled across his pale skin, thin veins peeking out in the negative space. “I’ve never seen it in person.”
“Do you see the train tracks?” He pointed to a ladder-like structure on the flex of his arm which represented the very tracks we’d spent our childhood sitting by. I ran my finger over the design, slowly following the trail. “And this up here?” He signaled just under his elbow.
“The path to get to the crossings from the woods?” I asked, as my finger moved up. It was our secret shortcut that surely half the town knew about, but the three of us always liked to hide out in there. It was like going on an adventure through an unknown land, right in the middle of our dusty town.
“Mhm. And down here?” He touched his wrist.
“The trees on the other side of the tracks!”
“Yeah.” Jonah let his lips curve up a touch and shrugged as if that was that, but I could see the way he looked at it. I could only imagine how often he stared at his own arm, wishing we could all go back. Sometimes I wished that too. I thought it was beautiful that he brought it with him everywhere he went—that place, those memories. Maybe if I just followed him around forever, I could hang on his tattooed arm and never be too far from home.
I giggled at the thought. “I love it. It looks like a maze. I could draw in it with a pen. Remember we used to sit right here?” I rubbed my thumb over a big, black arch that undoubtedly represented the covering under which we used to wait for the train to pass.
“Of course.” He slid his extremity away from me slowly and opened his arms. I let my body fall into his chest. He wrapped me up and whispered into the top of my head, “I’m so happy to see you.”
“Jonah? Happy?” I mumbled with my nose pressed into the stiff fabric of his button-down shirt.
“Only where you’re concerned.”
The poor thing thought so highly of me. If only he knew just how lost I was. Though, honestly, it made sense. I always thought he was the greatest thing to grace the planet, so it wasn’t entirely off-base that the feeling was mutual. And I didn’t just think he was. He truly was. His grumpiness was hilarious and his cynicism merely masked intelligence.
Emotional intelligence, not so much. Emotions were my thing. Happy, sad, excited, confused… I was well acquainted with all of them. He was the colder one, the logical one, at least on the outside. I think that’s why we got along so well. Or maybe it was just because we were both lost, anxious losers, albeit in opposite ways.
I blended in, though I didn’t understand a thing. Jonah didn’t blend in but understood everything. Oli had always been lost in a different way. He blended in and understood it all, but that didn’t mean he was necessarily happy about it. At least, Jonah didn’t believe he was. Not until he met June. That’s when he figured it out. That’s when he was found.
Jonah and I were still wandering.
Through the static, I realized we had finished our hug and returned to margarita-making.
“So, your parents told us you’ve been seeing someone. Why didn’t you put anything in the group chat?”
“Huh?” It took me a moment to realize he was even speaking to me. I was too busy thinking about his emotion-processing tendencies. “Oh.” I let out a chuckle to cover up the fact that I’d been gone for a few seconds. That was common. My brain was in constant overdrive, and it was only worsened by the sleep I never seemed to get.
Sometimes, I felt like I was so aware of my surroundings that I wasn’t aware of anything at all. I was so aware of my surroundings. It was all I could think about. But the people around me? Gosh, there just wasn’t always enough space for so much consideration. It was one of the thirty-six things I would’ve liked to change about myself. But I couldn’t help it. Every time my attention was pulled toward something, another thing popped up out of nowhere—
“Kai, that wasn’t an answer.”
“What?” Fuck. “Oh, I didn’t tell them anything. How did they know?”
“They say you respond to night-time texts less frequently when you’re seeing someone.” The skeptical edge in his voice let me know that he already thought whoever I was dating was an idiot. I had enough consideration to gather that, at least.
Honestly, he was kind of right. Per usual. Not that Javi was an idiot, although he sort of was. But he was more than that. Just because he wore things like navy blue trousers and listened to popular music instead of emo anthems from 2008 like we did, didn’t mean he was a bad person.
I’d been dating Javi for about a month and a half, since around the same time I left the old bar I used to work at and started working at the current one. He was my manager, so we got to see each other every night. I liked talking business with him, and he gave me opportunities I wouldn’t have had otherwise. It was a comfortable setup if anything, and it ensured I had a routine and a lifestyle to latch onto. Sure, things weren’t as perfect as they were when we first got together, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t great. He was just stressed out. But we were good.
“So, do you like him?” Jonah asked. I still hadn’t provided an answer to his previous statement. Shit. What the fuck was wrong with me? Lots going on tonight, what with all the people and the surprise. My mind wasn’t quite keeping up.
“Yeah, I think I do, actually.” Jonah shook his head with an exaggerated eye roll, which I ignored. “You’ll meet him tonight if we go out to the bars. The girls and I planned to have drinks. His name is Javi.”
“Javi,” Jonah said.
“Javi.”
He blinked a couple of times, staring at me with a soft curiosity. His voice was hardly audible as he asked, “What’s he like?”
“Good. He’s good.”
I didn’t want to talk about him. No reason, really. I shared everything with Jonah, except the things I felt he’d disapprove of.