Chapter 11
Oli, Monday, 9 Weeks Before the Semester is Out
I flipped my phone face down on the incoming call from my mother as I shoved the last bit of my sandwich into my mouth. It’s not that I didn’t want to talk to her, but her evening calls usually lined up with when my father was home, and I didn’t want to deal with that. I was not in the fucking mood to spend my very limited downtime talking to him.
“Ignoring the matriarch herself?” Jonah asked, sitting across from me with a straw hanging between his lips. He held it with one hand as he chewed away nervously. A temporary relief for his fingernails.
I was just appreciative he even made it here to the dining hall with me, given that it’s one of the most overwhelming places on earth come dinner time. I had to strain to hear him over the students chattering around us as they all meshed into one large noise.
“She just wants to remind me of the family party coming up for my father’s birthday in a couple of weeks. I don’t need to pick up to know what she has to say.” Nor would it help the endless list of shit I already had to worry about.
“Make sure your trousers are ironed,” Jonah mocked lovingly. “Be sure to trim your beard and please don’ttalk about boys in inappropriate ways in front of your father.” He had nothing against my mother, but she was easy to imitate. It was only a little bit funny how accurate his impression was.
“The party is on a Saturday,” I said—realized—pulling my planner from my bag as yet another issue tacked itself onto my list of things to think about. “I’ll have to do something about June that day.”
Jonah perked up as I flicked through the pages to my father’s birthday. “Tell me more about this June character. Juni? June? Have you finally found the Kai to your Jonah? The Tiff to your Noah?”
I scoffed, pressing the words dinner at homeinto the planner page. “Funny that you’d put you and Kai in the same category as Tiff and Noah.”
He snapped his fingers, causing my gaze to shift up, and pointed at me sternly. “One day,” he promised. “One day.”
I rolled my eyes. The kid was fucking delusional. Not that I didn’t want him and Kai to end up together. I did. But it would never work if he didn’t start acting like an adult. Matter of fact, both of them needed to start acting like adults.
“If anything, I’ve found the Noah to my Jonah.” I erased and rewrote obligations in my calendar, shifting them around as needed to ensure I could get even more work done than originally planned so that the weekend of dear Daddy’s birthday was a bit more free.
“You’re in denial.”
I’m not so sure that denial is the word I would’ve used. It felt a lot more like refusal.
“You seem to be in a chipper mood today,” I said, finally slapping my planner shut. It wasn’t common that Jonah was out in a crowded area, and less common that he poked fun. “Kai agree to marry you or something?”
He looked to the side, his lips working against his general personality to form an actual smile. “I talked to María today.”
And just like that, there it was. I saw it, the light in his eyes which had been out for over a year now. He donned a sheepish expression, tucking his elbows in to make himself even smaller than he already was, almost glowing from the inside out. Odd. Calls from Kai’s mom usually made Jonah emotional, not excited.
“What did she say?” I asked.
“Would you, Oli, like to come with me this spring break to a faraway land called Madrid to surprise our beloved Kai?” His teeth were on full display as he spoke, his eyes glimmering with elation. He hardly looked like himself.
My heart swelled and popped. “Are you serious?”
“I already bought our tickets,” he announced, pulling up a confirmation email on his phone and sliding it across the table for me to see. “You just tell me if I need to get a third for June.”
My face dropped. “Funny. But I can’t believe you did this.”
“Of course, I did this. Are you kidding me? I’d cut out my vocal cords just to lay my eyes on her for a split second.”
“Where did you even find the money?” I slid the device back to him.
He trapped it under his fingers and shrugged. “Same place I find the money for gear. I’ve been getting it for birthdays and holidays and milestones for as long as I can remember. Where do you think it all goes? My extensive wardrobe?” His eyes flicked down to the same black T-shirt he had worn throughout high school, and I registered the fact that he made yet another joke. “Besides, my parents helped.”
“Thank you, Jonah.” I shook my head in earnest disbelief as tears threatened to start pouring. It had been a long fucking day of homework and studying, and I needed something to look forward to. “I’ll pay you back for this.”
“You’ve always been there for me, Oli.” He looked at his lap, taken by the sincerity of his own words. “This is me paying you back. Now, did that lighten your mood? You’re all tense today. I hate Tense Oli.”
“Yes, but not enough to forget that I have months more of this stress before we get to fuck off to Europe.” My mind flashed to the to-do list at the top of today’s date in my planner. It was very long and very smudged and it made me want to scream. “I’m going to the store for some food before we head to the room. Are you coming?”
Jonah’s demeanor switched from mild joy to mild concern. “Oli. We just ate. Are you still hungry?”
No, I wasn’t, and he knew that perfectly well. But it wasn’t enough, this meal. It was never enough. I tutted at his stupid question and bunched his trash in with mine, crunching oily papers and napkins in my fingers. Jonah scuttled behind me as I tossed the garbage and left the dining hall without another word. He never really knew what to say in these moments, when I got my mind set on eating, but I didn’t really care. There wasn’t much that could deter me.
I’d fought with my appetite ever since I realized I was eating wrong, or so I’d been made to feel. As it turns out, just because I was above average in the height department, it didn’t mean I needed to order enough food for three people. Not that there’s anything wrong with having an appetite, but apparently there’s a difference between getting what one needs and surpassing that enormously.
I had always been of the surpassing type.
I couldn’t stop thinking about my problems or my obligations or my stress until I was fully stopped up with food. If I filled up every bit of empty space inside of me, my worries would have no room to squeeze in. I’m talking bedridden until the next morning because nothing I ate that night satiated me the right way, so I just kept going. If I could walk after, it was much more of a waddle. Nausea, self-hatred, a greasy gross feeling that I couldn’t shake, nor avoid, yet something I fervently needed. There was no stopping me. I had to do it, had to do it, had to do it.
Jonah and I stepped into the convenience store, the aisles lined with some of my favorites. I did my best to switch my emotions off as I picked up a basket. I didn’t want my consciousness to see what I was about to do.
Jonah tried to speak up once more. “Oli, come on—”
I grabbed a roll of paper towels off the shelf and flung them at his head. Talking to me was futile.
I plucked a pack of Snickers and tossed them in the basket. A bag of chips too, because I’d need something salty if I was going to eat something sweet. Gummies, the kind with crunchy sugar on them, because I’d have to have that kind of sweet too. Ice cream. Because what if I needed something cold? I’d be sure to finish it since we didn’t have a freezer in the room to store it. Texture. Flavor. Color. I had to hit them all. Then maybe I would stop thinking about my fucking parents, and all the fucking work I had to do, and the band, and my life, and Miss Juni, and the minimal amount of time I had each day to breathe.
But not much time later, I realized. The food was a bad idea. It always was.
I ate as I worked and went to bed unable to lie on my back, hating myself immensely. The next morning, I woke up ravenous as I often did. One dinner always became one day, which became one week, which became one month, which would land me right back in a nutritionist’s office if my parents had anything to do with it. As if I needed a nutritionist’s advice. I needed a fucking therapist to get at the root of my needs, but mental health was taboo in my household.
Physical health, though? No, I’m sorry, I mean…saving face? Very important.
I just had to get a big breakfast. I needed something salty, and something sweet, and an iced coffee for something cold. It was Tuesday morning now, and I showed up to history class feeling groggy and bloated like a sponge that had sucked up a bunch of salt water. I sat down in my seat with a thump.
I didn’t have the energy to deal with June today. All I could think about was my guilt, another thing sandwiched around my stressors, because I had done it, I had eaten. And now I was trapped in the terrible after-part during which I tried to talk myself down and vow it was the last time. Until my body made room again, of course. Then I’d probably just fucking do it again.
Why I did this to myself? I had no idea. All I knew was that in the moment, I couldn’t control it. Like, literally couldn’t control it. I rationalized with myself to “let” myself eat. Like, Oh, it’s just for today. Or, It’s been a whole week since my last episode, so what’s one night?But it was never just one fucking night.
And after I finished?
Guilt.
So. Much. Fucking. Guilt.
I wished I could’ve just been like Jonah, who never ate more than he needed and somehow didn’t think about food at all hours of the day. It was astonishing to me how he did that.
“Oliver,” June said by way of greeting as she sat down next to me.
“Hi, June,” I answered lazily, my head falling into my hand, propped up over my elbow. I sat so heavily in my chair, I thought I might just absorb it. My size wasn’t an issue to me. I was fine with all that. It was this feeling that got me, the sensation of having an extra five pounds of food inside me. It was so invasive. I was trapped with it, but I wanted it out. I wanted it to evaporate as if my lips had never touched it.
“What’s up with you? Did your brain finally come to terms with its own stupidity?” June asked.
I knew my greeting wasn’t exactly what she’d expected, but I couldn’t be fucked to put on a better show today. I didn’t want to argue with her. If anything, I kind of wanted her to…listen.
I’d never really had any issues expressing myself or asking for what I needed. Sure, I could be discrete when necessary, but I was grown enough to know when to be honest. But with June? She seemed like the type to get skittish. Something told me to tread lightly.
“Can we just call a truce today, whiz kid?” I glanced at her. “It’s only ninety minutes. Then you’re off the hook.”
Her eyebrows tweaked and her mouth dropped open a bit, though no words came out. It was kind of cute.
“Come on,” I said, conjuring up a vaguely smug look and flicking my eyes down her body just to be an asshole. “I know you can take it.”
Okay, so maybe I had a little bit of fight in me today. Only for June. Only to watch the way her lips and eyes widened at that last statement.
She gathered herself and snapped back. “And our session later today? What do you want, shining synergy or something?”
“I’ll feel better by then.” I managed a little closed-mouth smile for her.
Her face softened. For a second, it almost looked like she cared. I thought she might ask me what I felt so bad about. I kind of hoped she would, though I wouldn’t have answered. She didn’t anyway. She turned toward the front of the room just as Professor Brown began to speak.
June didn’t say another word for the rest of the period. She didn’t even answer any questions. A small part of me wondered if it was because I didn’t answer any, but that was probably a silly thought.
If all went well, I wouldn’t fall further before this afternoon but, if it didn’t, I’d need to let her know I couldn’t make it. I wouldn’t want to.
“Give me your number, June,” I said, placing my hand over her notebook before she picked it up, about to pile her things into her bag to leave for her next class. “Please.”
She froze with an arm suspended in front of her, staring me straight in the eyes, before returning to her neutral seated position. “What’s wrong?”
“I’m not really in the mood for questions.”
“Tell me what’s wrong. A demand, not a question.”
“Give me your number, and I’ll text you all about it,” I lied, gesturing toward her with my phone. She scrunched those beautiful eyebrows, pulling her top and bottom sets of lashes closer to each other skeptically. “In case there are ever any scheduling changes, Juni. That’s all.”
She snatched the phone from my hands. “Fine. You better let me know in advance if you’re planning to cancel.”
“Why? Need those time slots for your extensive social life?” I had no fucking idea if June had a social life or not, but judging by how hard she tried, I didn’t really think she did.
“I’m very cool and popular and you wouldn’t understand it,” she grumbled as she pressed her number into my device with her pink-painted thumbs.
I gathered up every bit of energy I had to take the phone from her and keep it under her line of vision as I typed in her contact name, ensuring she was looking.
First name: Juni
Last name:Sucks
She snarled as she picked up her things and whipped out of her seat, and I got to wear my first real smile of the day.