17. Decker
“Are you in love with her?” Camilla’s soft voice breaks through the silence.
The ride home felt like hours. She tried to fill the time with questions about the ranch and Colorado. Dinner was no different. It was like pulling teeth to get me to engage in any amount of real dialogue.
“I don’t know.” I stare out over the field behind my house, the darkness intensified by the clouds covering the moon.
“But you’re not in love with me anymore, are you?”
I turn slowly to look at her leaning against the doorway. Her hair is in a long braid over one shoulder, a thick sweater wrapped around her pajamas that she changed into after we got back. I don’t answer and she steps through the doorway, taking a seat in one of the chairs next to me.
“I tried, Camilla.”
“No, you didn’t.” She says it with a smile—a knowing one. “You can’t try, because you don’t want to.”
The shame and guilt that have been intensifying wash over me as I sink down into the chair next to her. For the last 10 days, I have barely been home. I’ve worked the longest days of my life—gone before sunrise and home long after sunset. The one time I did take Camilla to dinner, I drove to another town so nobody would see us, and ended up face-to-face with the one person I’ve been trying to avoid.
“I’m so sorry. I’m a mess with all of this, and I’ve handled it all so wrong.” I run my hands through my hair. “I don’t say this to sound like an asshole, but I shouldn’t have let you stay. I should have told you the second I saw you on my porch that what we had is gone—that there’s no chance—but I felt . . . guilty? Bad? Like I owed it to you to give us a second chance.”
“You don’t owe me a second chance, Decker.” She pulls her sweater around her shoulders tighter, her eyes filling with sadness. “I won’t lie and pretend like I wasn’t hoping for another outcome. I wouldn’t have come up here otherwise, but seeing you like this . . . it’s not what I want.”
“I don’t deserve this grace, Camilla. I hid you from my family. From everyone. Not just now, but from the beginning. That’s why I haven’t introduced you to anyone, not even my twin.” I raise my voice slightly, the weight of it all crashing down on me. “I drove you to a restaurant an hour away so I wouldn’t run into anyone I know. Why would anyone even want another chance with someone like me?”
She stares up at me, unblinking, for several seconds. “You never told them about me? About us?” I shake my head at her. “Why?” The pain in her eyes is palpable now.
“There’s nothing I can say to explain and make it better.”
“I don’t care, Decker. I deserve to know.”
I sink down into the chair, leaning my elbows on my knees. “I think it started out as one reason but turned into another. I—my reputation wasn’t great. I’ve never been one for relationships or commitment; I was always interested in having fun and then ‘on to the next’ once we were bored of each other . . . which was usually pretty quickly since the women I did choose to date had the same idea as me.”
“So you slept around a lot before us? I wouldn’t hold that against you.”
“I know that; it wasn’t for that reason. The ongoing joke in my family was that I couldn’t settle down, which was my own doing. But anyway, I didn’t want that outside noise from them, especially considering I proposed to you after only six months.”
“You didn’t think they’d be supportive?”
“They would have been, but—that’s what I mean by it started as one reason but morphed into something else. When I think about it, now that I look back at it honestly, I think the real reason I never told them was because the other part of that joke is that I can’t settle down because I’m always looking at every other woman instead of . . . the one I’m meant to be with.”
“Juniper?”
I nod. The day after my talk with Juney, I told Camilla about her. I didn’t go into the details, but she knows we slept together recently and that I kissed Juney after Camilla rejected my proposal.
“My family would have loved you and accepted you; I don’t think that was what this was about. I’m the one who never even gave you a fair chance. I have no right to be hurt by your rejection when I hid you. I knew that if I told Ranger I was going to propose, he’d tell me I was only kidding myself.” I look over at her and she swallows roughly. I continue: “I loved you, I did. I know that’s probably impossible to believe right now with everything I’m telling you, but I know that I did.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“I don’t expect you to ever forgive me or believe me, but I never meant to hurt you. I truly believed I was starting over in Texas—that you were my happily ever after. I swear I didn’t realize I was running at the time. I used you to get over her, and that was wrong.”
“As much as this is heartbreaking to hear, I think part of me knew your heart was somewhere else. Maybe that’s why I couldn’t say ‘yes.’ Maybe the universe was sending me signals.”
“Is that what you truly believe?”
She shrugs, a pathetic smile tugging at the corner of her lips. She lets out a long sigh and looks out into the darkness. “Honestly, Deck, I don’t know, but I think both of us have told ourselves things along the way to feel better about everything falling apart. And maybe that’s the best we can do in this situation.”
“You really believe that?”
I expect anger or tears in her eyes, but all I see is understanding. “I know it was incredibly unfair for me to just show up here like this and turn your world upside down. I think I naively thought that you were still pining for me up here—that I’d show up and we’d fall right back into what we had, but I know . . .” she chokes, a tear threatening to fall, “I know that was wishful thinking.”
“It was real. I hope you know that.” I look at her. “What I felt for you, what we had . . . I meant it when I proposed. I was ready to commit to us and our love, but you weren’t, and that’s okay. I think we just messed up the timing on all of it.”
She laughs through her tears. “I think that is an extremely romantic and poetic way to look at it, and I do believe you, Deck. Truly, I know you loved me, but if we’re being honest . . .” She doesn’t finish—she just looks at me and I know exactly what she’s saying.
She and I were never meant to be.
“I don’t regret the time we shared together.” I reach over and squeeze her hand. “You were there for me at a time when I didn’t realize how much I needed someone, so thank you.” She opens her mouth, a peculiar look in her eyes, then she turns away. “What? What are you thinking?” I ask.
She looks away a few more seconds before finally looking back at me. “I—I have something I never told you either.” I don’t know why, but my stomach drops. “I know what it’s like to have a Juniper.” I furrow my brow in confusion at her, and she says, “Miguel.”
My eyebrows feel like they’re about to leap off my face. “My cowboy Miguel down in Texas? The one I met you through?”
She pulls her hand from mine and buries her face in her hands. “Yes.”
“Wow.” I can’t help but laugh, and suddenly she’s doing the same. “So, we really are two emotionally fucked-up people who somehow fell in love . . . only for it to force us to realize we belong to other people.” We look over at each other, a weird feeling of closure, sadness, but also peace settling over us. “So, do you think you two will . . . ?”
She shrugs. “I don’t know, honestly. Unlike you and Juniper, the dynamic with him was a few years ago. We’ve both dated different people since then, but never found our way back to each other.”
“Don’t give up hope. Maybe this was the closure you needed to realize he’s worth fighting for.” She nods her head as a few more tears fall from her eyes. I reach over and grab her hand again, squeezing it one last time.
We hold hands for another minute until she finally stands up. “I’m going to go pack and get some sleep. But I want you to know that you’re going to make a wonderful husband and father someday, Deck. Don’t doubt that. Good night.”
For hours after she’s gone to bed, Camilla’s question hangs in my head.
“Are you in love with her?”
I’ve avoided that question for as long as I can, not sure if I’m ready to answer it to myself. Not because I don’t want to be in love with Juniper, but because she is young and wild and free, some of the many things that make me love her.
But I don’t just want to do fun. I don’t want hookups. I want it all with her.
“She’s gone?”Ranger asks as we look out over the pasture from our horses.
“Yup.”
“Damn,” he shakes his head, “and nobody knows about her, other than me?”
“And Juniper.”
“Shit, Juney. So now that Camilla has gone back to Texas, are you two a couple or . . . ?”
“She basically wants nothing to do with me, so I’m not even sure if we’re friends anymore.”
“Oh, come on,” he laughs, “it’s Juney we’re talking about. She can’t hold a grudge. She’ll be hanging on you in no time.”
I don’t tell him I’m worried I’ve burned that bridge beyond repair. Not just because I wasn’t man enough to tell her from the jump that I wanted more with her, but because she sees me like everyone else now: a playboy who only wanted her for a good time.
“Hopefully. Only this time, I won’t screw it up.”
“It’s the real deal? Love and all that?” Ranger gives me the biggest grin.
“Yeah, I think it is . . . fuck, I know it is, for me anyway.”
“Can I take a moment to say I told you so?”
I know that the second I get the chance, I’m going to apologize to Juniper and tell her exactly how I feel. But the challenge will be getting her to even look at me. I pull out my phone and send her a text.
Me: I’m picking you up from work. We need to talk.
When I pull into the garage parking lot several hours later, I see a few remaining cars in the parking lot, but no sign of Juniper’s Subaru. I get out and walk around, glancing into the office that’s already closed. It’s just after 6, and seeing as how they close right around now, I figured I’d catch her before she left. I jump back in my truck, pulling out and making the drive over to her house. She’s not going to avoid me this easily.
“Evening, Decker. To what do I owe the pleasure, Son?”
My hand is still lifted in a knocking position, Ron swinging the door open before I even get the chance.
Well, fuck, there goes that plan.
“Hey, Mr. Riley. How was your trip?”
“Oh, just fantastic. Come on in and I’ll show you some pictures.” I’m not about to tell him the real reason I came by, or that I had no idea he and his wife had returned home. I want to tell him I’m in love with his daughter, but I can only imagine how that would go down if I told him before telling her.
“Wow, that is incredible.” I swipe through each photo on the iPad, each more breathtaking than the last.
“Yeah, Mary and I loved every second of it, but I gotta say, there really is no place like home. I’m sure you know that better than anyone now that you’re moved back from Texas. Happy to be here?”
“I am. It’s good to be back with family and friends.”
“I was surprised you didn’t end up coming home with a wife.” He laughs. “I think your dad was hoping you’d meet some nice woman and settle down.”
“Yeah, he’s been saying that to me recently too. I told him in due time—no need to rush it.”
Ron laughs. “You’re right there. But I will say, when you do find the right one, hold on to her. And don’t sweat finding her. Trust me, when you’ve found the right one, you’ll know.” He points to his heart. “It’s a feeling, Son. One your father and I both experienced when we met our wives.”
After chatting with Ron for an hour and checking my phone on the sly for any response from Juniper, I decide to head out to try to find her. I only make it to one stop: the bar where I know she loves to line dance on Thursday nights.
Sure enough, she’s there. Dancing, laughing, throwing her head back as she twists and turns around the dance floor. She doesn’t see me walk in, so I walk to the back, leaning against the wall as I watch her. For a second, I question everything: Should I be doing this? She looks happy without me. Maybe she’s right about everything.
But then when she turns fully toward me and my eyes catch hers, I see it. I don’t know what it is or how to put it into words, but something is exchanged between us the second she spots me. I don’t lose eye contact as I walk toward her. She tries to continue with the dance, but she stumbles, catching herself just as I reach her.
“We need to talk.”
“I don’t think we do.” She picks the dance steps back up. “You had your chance.” She twirls around me then back out onto the floor. When she comes back around again, I snake my arm around her waist and pull her close to my body, following the steps with her.
“Let’s try this again,” I squeeze her against me, our bodies practically molded together. “I owe you an apology, honey, and that’s what I’m here to do.”
“Stop.” She pushes against my arm and I release her, following her off the dance floor. “I’m not interested in your apology or whatever other bullshit you want to feed me, Deck. I just want to have a good time and shake my ass, okay?”
“And you can, after I apologize.” She knows there’s no winning. She looks down to where I’ve now placed my hand on her. I know it’s desperate, relying on tactics I know she can’t resist. I step closer, my lips at her ear. I lower my voice to that deep whisper she loves: “We both know you can’t say no to me.” That pink blush creeps up her neck as she lifts her chin to look at me. For a second, I’m convinced she’s going to kiss me, but then the lust-filled haze passes from her eyes.
“You have two minutes.”
I don’t waste any time as I tug her out the back door of the bar, making sure we’re alone.
“Look at me.” I tip her chin up. “The way I treated you, the way I didn’t just tell you up front that I like you, that I want you, that I need you . . .” Her lips part and her breath quickens. “The way I behaved was childish and hurtful; you didn’t deserve that. I wasn’t being the man you deserve.”
“And now I’m supposed to just forgive you and fall into your arms?”
“I didn’t say that.” I drop my hand and slide it into her hair. “But I want to prove to you what you mean to me.” I lean forward slightly. “I never touched her like I’ve touched you.” She pushes my hand away and steps around me.
“So, what? She’s gone now and you’re just going to act like we can pick up where we left off?”
“I don’t expect that, no, but we both know this deserves a second chance.”
“A second chance?” She laughs. “We never had a first chance, Deck. We snuck around and hooked up. You couldn’t even bring yourself to admit you liked me or even offer to take me on an actual date. It was a booty call to you.”
Anger flares in my chest. “It wasn’t,” I snap. “It wasn’t a fucking booty call, Juniper. I know you’re hurt and pissed—I get it—but you’re lashing out. You don’t want to admit there’s something here, because that’d mean you’d have to put yourself at risk—you’d have to put your heart on the line, just like I’m doing right now.” Her mouth opens and then snaps shut. “Yeah, we’re the same person, Juney . . . both too scared to ever commit, running from the one thing that’s been right in front of us this entire time, but we’ve been too scared to go after it.”
“Don’t,”she says as I step closer to her. “Don’t say shit you don’t mean just to get me back in your bed.”
“I’m not.” I take another step toward her, closing the distance between us again. “You’re the one I want, Juney—the one I’ve wanted for so long. I can’t tell you how many nights you’ve haunted my dreams, how many nights I’ve woken up praying you’d somehow be in my bed.” I press my nose against her hair, nuzzling her as my hands slide their way up her body. “I need you,” I whisper the words again.
“No.” The word is firm. “You’re still the same, Decker—the same fuckboy who can’t figure out what he wants, and now that you can’t have me?—”
I drop my hands. “Are you kidding me? I’m not that man anymore! That’s what I’m trying to tell you. Do you know how many nights I’ve had to physically hold myself back from getting to you? Even when I lived a thousand miles away, I’d replay driving back here to you and practicing what I’d say over and over again. I repeated that speech in my head a thousand times. I have spent every single fucking day and night trying to run from you—from us, from that kiss—all those months ago, and I can’t.” I’m practically begging. “I can’t take this, Juney . . . I don’t want to run anymore.”
Her chin quivers, her eyes filling with tears as her bottom lip begins to tremble. “And yet, you never did come to get me. You never gave me that speech, Decker. Instead, you kissed me, knowing how I felt about you, completely fucking up my entire world, and then you ran.”
She steps around me and back into the bar, the sound of the heavy metal door scraping the door frame then slamming shut—signaling she’s gone.