That One Moment

14. Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Fourteen

Caiden

T he last few weeks have been…fine. Good, I guess. I didn't hate spending the evening playing stupid games with Cooper, Jamie, Maria and my dad. After last week’s game night where I kicked Cooper’s butt multiple times in every game we played, he pouted and demanded a rematch which we did the very next day. Our time together, laughing and joking has left me feeling settled. Calm. Like the darkness and the rising water are at bay.

The flimsy postcard in my hand though, is a reminder that storms often follow the calm. Slowly, the creeping sense of being swallowed and pulled down by a force stronger than me starts in my chest, flooding my lungs until they ache.

“Greetings from Barcelona,” the postcard reads in bold white letters across an array of photos of the city.

Turning it over, I read the messy handwriting again.

Caidy, you will never guess what happened? I told Roger about Spain and he surprised me with a flight! I told him that you and I were going together but he said it would be so romantic for us to go together. He had a good point and how could I refuse a free holiday? Oh, it is so beautiful here. I know you bought your ticket but I don’t remember what days you said, but if we overlap we just MUST get together for sangria.

Love Mum.

Last time she stood me up should have been the last straw. I should have given up on her the same way Cooper has, but I am an idiot. A fucking idiot who still thinks that one day his miserable excuse of a mother will wake up remember she’s meant to care about me.

Fuck.

My mind is screaming and my heart is breaking and I don’t know what to do. I try the breathing exercises my therapist gave me, focusing on the things I can feel and hear and see and taste but it doesn’t work. The water is pulling me under, the pit in my stomach widening as I slowly drown. My chest tightens and I don’t think I can breathe, only I know I can because I'm not really in danger. I try to convince myself of this as I take in a sharp gasp of air.

Fight or flight, that’s what’s happening. My body is gearing up for danger but there is none.

I’m okay, I’m in control.

Sinking to the floor, back to my bed, I bury my head in my hands and repeat these words in my mind, again and again. Ford saunters over to me, having been asleep on my bed. He butts his head against my leg and I rub his silky fur. Sometimes I find calmness in his lazy purr and his sweet affection, but not today. He tries to climb on my lap but I push him away, then ball both my hands into fists and squeeze and squeeze until my nails break the skin. The burn eases the tightness in my chest and my mind goes a little clearer.

I’m in control.

Laughter from downstairs makes my skin crawl, reminding me that everyone in this house is so fucking happy and in love. I’m meant to be down there with them, enjoying a summer barbeque, but that postcard arrived this afternoon and very quickly soured my mood.

In a frantic move, I dart off the floor and reach for my phone, texting Oliver and ignoring how many times Cooper’s warned me away from him. I need something that right now, only Oliver can give me. I’m not afraid of being alone with him, not the way I am about other men.

Me: I need to get fucked or fucked up.

I throw my phone on the bed then pace my room, digging the nails on my left hand deeper into my skin, releasing them when I reach my chest of drawers. Hidden between two books in the bottom drawer, I find a razor blade. It’s heavy in my palm as I stare at it. Heavier still when I lift it with one hand while undoing my jeans with the other. Taking a seat on my bed, I kick them off until I'm in only a short pair of black boxers.

My pale thighs are a mess of scars. Red, purple and white lines criss-cross the skin. Some areas are sensitive to the touch and others are painfully numb. Holding the blade against a smooth spot, my hand trembles and I suck in a deep breath. I'm stuck, torn between letting the blade split the skin, feeling that rush of relief that comes with it and throwing this fucking thing away.

Cooper’s laughter reaches me and in the fuzzy haze of my mind I can’t be sure if I actually hear him or not. But it’s enough to have me throwing the razor across the room, holding back a scream when I stand and pull at my hair. I hate that I crave the pain, I hate that I’m so fucking tired of trying to be better and I hate….I just hate the person I am.

Darkness presses on my chest, my head a mess of thoughts and feelings I don’t have the energy to deal with and I’m back to pacing my room. My phone beeps and I scramble to find where I threw it.

Oliver: I can offer you both. Party on Tailor Lane, tonight, 9pm. Lube up pretty boy.

God, I hate this guy. I really fucking do. Nothing good will come from it but I can’t sit here and wait to drown.

Once I’m dressed again, I tear the postcard into tiny shreds, letting them float to the floor before I walk over the final remains of my hope of ever having a mother, and slam my bedroom door behind me.

“Hey, brother dear,” Cooper says when I find him in the kitchen, pulling veggie kebabs out of the fridge. He puts down the tray then pulls me into a hug. I take a second to breathe him in, willing my thrumming heart to settle, then plaster on a fake smile. It feels forced and I hope he doesn't notice. “You okay?” He leans back to look at me. Tilting his head, he raises a brow, studying me as though he can sense that something’s wrong.

“All good. Dad started the fire yet?” Cooper doesn’t move, he just holds onto my arms and watches me.

“Baby, did you find those vegan sausages my mum mentioned?” Jamie’s entry into the kitchen breaks whatever mental telepathy Cooper was trying to use on me. He wraps an arm around Cooper’s waist as he speaks to me. “Hi Cade, we’re just about to start cooking, coming to sit outside?” Cade. He’s never called me that before. Dammit, why does that do something to me?

I’m already one giant ball of overwhelmed and confused feelings and like ice water being thrown over me, my mind is suddenly clear on one thing. Something I’ve tried to ignore since before New Year’s. Something I told myself was only a truth in one short selfish moment, when my lips brushed the skin of Jamie’s hand.

I’ve been jealous of Cooper and Jamie. Not because I was losing my twin and not because I so badly want someone to love me the way Jamie loves Cooper. No, I don't want just anyone to love me like that - I want it to be Jamie.

Fuck. I am a horrible brother. I promise myself that neither of them will ever know how I feel. What’s a few more unwanted feelings to bottle up?

Swallowing thickly, I ignore the looks Cooper is giving me, grab the tray he put down and take it out to the garden. It’s just gone six thirty so in a few hours, I can leave, find Oliver and let sex and booze distract me from all the messed up shit in my head. We spend some time in the pool and then help my dad with the food. When we finally sit down to eat, I’m vibrating out of my skin and exhausted from trying to smile the whole time.

“Jamie and I are going to the movies, do you want to come with us?” Cooper is sitting on Jamie’s lap, holding a burger while Jamie draws patterns on his bare leg. My eyes track the movement as he draws hearts up to my brother's thigh, then dips beneath the hem of his shorts.

I turn away and check the time on my phone. “I’m actually going to a party soon.” It’s nearly nine but the cab should only take five minutes or so. My hands rub fervently up and down my denim clad legs and I have this overwhelming desire to dig my nails into my skin. But I shake it off and stand instead.

Cooper climbs off of Jamie’s lap. “We’ll come with you.” Behind him, Jamie scowls and shakes his head.

“Baby,” he says, standing up to move behind Cooper. “We have plans this evening, I’ve already bought the tickets.” He looks at me and his intensely green eyes look darker than usual, like anger is colouring them a shade darker.

Cooper worries his bottom lip between his teeth. He’s my twin, there's no denying he knows something is up, but at the same time, he doesn’t want to disappoint the man he loves. Guilt visits me again when it’s clear that I’m making my brother choose.

He turns and rests a hand on Jamie’s chest, his voice dropping when he speaks. “Please can we go with him? I know we had plans but….” he turns towards me then back to Jamie, dropping his voice lower. “I think he’s upset, I can feel it.” It’s a whisper, but loud enough that I hear every word. Jamie’s gaze shoots to me and my cheeks heat. I drop my head so I don’t have to look in his eyes. There’s a part of me that wants to get lost in them.

“It’s okay, Coop. You have a good night with Jamie and I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Turning my back on the two of them, I head to say goodbye to Maria and my dad who are swimming slow laps in the pool, enjoying the warm summer night. Behind me, I can hear Jamie and Cooper arguing, something I’ve never heard before.

I’m hurriedly rushing to get out the front door because I can’t be the reason they’re arguing, when Jamie catches up to me. His hand rests on my arm, a fiery brand on my already warm skin.

“Just wait, Caiden.” He sighs heavily, resigned and disappointed. “Your brother is helping clear away the food and then we’ll come with you.” His hand on me makes my stomach swoop like it does when you’re on a rollercoaster and it hurts when he removes it to run it through his messy brown hair. I liked the fleeting comfort he brought me. That thought scares me and I take a step back, putting a larger distance between us.

“I’m sorry,” I say, because I am. I’m sorry Cooper always worries about me. I’m sorry he can read me so well. I’m sorry my fake smiles don’t work on him. I’m sorry that I want to go alone but also so badly want to know they’re with me too. I’m just sorry.

“Try not to fuck up. We both know he’s only going because he’s worried about you. You have that lost look in your eyes again.” He shuffles closer to me and I try not to let his scent invade me. “I can see something's wrong - your eyes speak volumes. You're not the sum of your saddest moments, Caiden. You're so much more. So much stronger.” His words have no right to anchor me the way they do. To hold me fast against the tidewater that laps at my feet, dragging me to drown. “Please, for him, just try okay?”

Jamie Durand makes me feel a million different things and I both love it and fucking hate it. Opening my mouth to respond, maybe tell him to fuck off - because all other words are lost - I snap it shut again instead and nod.

As it is, I am already planning to get fucked by someone Cooper hates and has told me to stay away from so, I’m not off to a good start as it is.

“Okay, let's go. You good to drive or shall I sort a rideshare?” Cooper sidles up to Jamie but they don’t hug like they usually do and I hate that I put a fissure in their relationship.

“I’ll drive,” Jamie says curtly, grabbing his keys and heading out the front door. Cooper flinches but tries to smile as though I can’t see the way his bottom lip trembles. I mouth an apology and he nods then follows Jamie.

***

We’re thirty minutes late by the time we get to the party and I am relieved when Oliver sends a message to say he’ll be a little later because he got caught up ‘doing a thing’, whatever that means. Now that I’m here and dancing with my twin, as Jamie watches us like a bouncer with his eyes on a rowdy stag do, I’m content with it just being the two of us for a bit. Almost like it was before Maria, before Jamie. In this moment, I don’t feel like I’m drowning.

“He’s going to forgive you, isn’t he?” I ask, leaning closer to Cooper so he can hear me over the techno music. He wipes strands of dark hair from his eyes as he nods.

“It’s the first time we’ve argued.” He does a little spin, catching Jamie’s eye before spinning back to me. “But we love each other, this isn’t big enough to tear us apart.” He throws another glance over his shoulder and Jamie shuffles on his feet. They are sickeningly in love and even though Jamie’s mouth is set into a solid line, his eyes don’t move from my brother. Though I can’t see the deep green of his eyes from here, I know that they’re shining with love for my twin. Jealousy bubbles in my chest so I shoot back my drink in an effort to ignore it.

Two songs pass before Jamie steps away from the wall, straightens his black polo, and joins us on the dancefloor. Coming up behind my brother, he throws his arms around Cooper’s waist, pulls them flush together, then buries his face in Cooper’s neck. Coop smiles like he’s just won the lotto then spins in Jamie’s arms, bringing them face to face. Jamie’s wandering hands lift the back of Cooper’s baby blue shirt and he draws lines up and down his spine.

I can’t hear what they’re saying, but Jamie nods and leans in to kiss Cooper again. Their kiss lingers, Cooper rubbing himself against Jamie while Jamie paws at his ass. Heat rises in my cheeks and I turn around so I’m not gawking at my twin and his boyfriend.

With any luck, Oliver will get here soon and I’ll be able to ditch these two for ten minutes to get fucked. Alcohol swims in my blood, my body humming with the effects and I check my phone again to see if he's arrived. The lube I fingered into my ass between eating a burger and leaving the house is slick and sticky as I shake my body on the dancefloor. Oliver may not offer me what those two have but it'll be something. It'll be hot and dirty and for just a slither of time the added hit of dopamine will make this knot in my chest loosen.

“Do you want a drink?” Jamie’s voice in my ear makes me jump and I spin around and press my hand to his chest without realising what I’m doing. His body is hard, and I can feel the faint beating of his heart. My touch lingers, my fingers flexing against the fabric of his shirt. He looks down at where we’re connected and I hurriedly drop my hand and nod. “Keep an eye on your brother okay? I’ll be right back.”

Cooper is talking to a girl he met earlier this evening and is now trying to do the floss. They’re laughing uncontrollably and his uncoordinated moves has him knocking a guy in the stomach. He apologises profusely before bending over and laughing even harder. I love how my twin is so easy going, so quick to make friends and how he so openly loves and laughs. Not for the first time, I wish I was more like him.

The room is really hot and it feels like Jamie is taking ages to come back so we take a break, moving away from the crowd of dancers. My skin is damp, my shirt sticking to me uncomfortably as I press my back to the exposed brick wall. Cooper is distracted for a minute when the same girl from earlier comes over to speak to him. I lean my arm against the wall, turning to face him while he chats animatedly with her.

A hand lands on my waist, the hold rough and unfamiliar yet also not. The blood in my veins turns to ice when the person speaks, but it's the scent, as he leans in closer, that has the blood draining from my face.

“Well shoot me down and call me lucky, there’s two of you. Holy shit.” Kyle’s warm breath hits my cheek as his other hand grazes my ass. I’m frozen in fear. I looked into Medusa's eyes and now I’m stone, frozen and unable to move my feet as his hands roam my body. My mind screams at me to move, to run, but I can’t.

“Caiden?” Cooper’s eyes widen when he turns back to me. He grits his teeth then grabs my arm and tugs me forward, until I’m behind him. My stomach cramps and the familiar taste of bile rises in my throat as I’m bombarded by memories of that night. Of Kyle’s hands on my body, his cum on my back and his rancid breath against my skin.

“It’s you, isn’t it?” Cooper, my fearless other half, steps forward and jabs a finger into Kyle’s chest. “You’re the one who hurt him.” Kyle’s reply is a smirk that makes my stomach churn even more. He looks proud and satisfied, like he didn’t take a part of me that I was never offering.

“He loved every minute of it.” He grips Cooper’s finger and I hate that he’s touching my brother. Hate that hands that can cause so much pain are anywhere near someone so good. “How about you come with me and I’ll show you?”

A flash of movement from my side causes me to take a step back and suddenly there’s shouting and Kyle is thrown against the wall. He lunges forward, taking a swing at Jamie, but Jamie pushes him back until he hits the wall again.

“Don’t you fucking touch him,” Jamie growls, then brings his arm back and punches Kyle in the jaw. Cooper tries to get in between them before Kyle can hit back but he gets pushed and trips, landing roughly on the floor. Jamie hits Kyle again and everything becomes a blur as all my attention focuses on my twin. By the time I’ve helped Cooper up, Kyle’s friends have pulled him away and Jamie is breathing heavily, cradling his right hand.

With an arm wrapped around Cooper, I reach for Jamie and start tugging him. “We need to leave, now.” He nods but stops a few steps later to grab Cooper.

“Are you okay, baby?” Jamie runs his hands down Cooper’s cheeks and neck, checking him over. The hard look in his eyes says he’ll rip Kyle to shreds if he finds even a scratch on my brother. Must be nice to have someone who cares like that.

It takes us less than five minutes to reach the car, and by the time I do, Jamie realises the predicament we’re in. “I can’t drive, my hand is fucked.” I’m far too drunk to offer.

“I’ll drive, I only had soda tonight,” Cooper offers. He’s not a huge fan of driving, he very seldom does, but right now he’s the only one who can. It’s dark out but it’s dry and the winding roads in this part of town are usually quiet at night.

Jamie slides into the passenger seat, cursing at his seat belt as he tries to use his injured hand before pushing it away with a huff. I take the seat directly behind my twin. Cooper starts the car, indicates, then checks his mirror before pulling into the street. Jamie catches my eyes in the rearview mirror and I tip my head at him.

“Thank you, for…” my lip quivers and I take a deep breath before I try again. “Thank you both for what you did back there. I’m sorry I ruined your night, again.” The sad thing is, neither of them wanted to be there in the first place but they’d both been enjoying themselves anyway. Then I’d fucked it up. Again.

“I’ll be your lifejacket.” That’s what he’d said. I don’t think he knows how often he’s been carrying me to shore lately.

“ Pshh , you didn’t ruin our night,” Cooper says, his voice light despite the events of the evening. “Did you see my man? He was like a fucking lion, all growly and shit. No! Like a dragon slayer, a knight in shining armor.” Jamie chuckles and I shake my head. Trust Cooper to find the positive in this shitshow.

The question is rhetorical though, so I don’t outwardly reply. But yes, I saw him. I saw the way his muscles bunched under his tight black shirt when he threw that punch. I saw the flash of anger in his eyes when Kyle touched the man he loves. I saw how he’d burn down the world to protect my twin. The sad, lonely, little boy in me clung to the fact that in a roundabout way Jamie was protecting me too.

“Fuck, that was hot,” Cooper continues. “You were really hot. Cover your ears, Caiden, I want to say something really filthy to Jamie, which you do not want to hear.”

Jamie laughs louder, his head turned to face Cooper, and Cooper briefly takes his eyes off the road to smile at Jamie.

And that’s all it takes.

That one moment.