That One Moment

18. Chapter Eighteen

Chapter Eighteen

Jamie

F uck. Seeing Caiden again is like a kick to the heart. He looks so much like his brother, it physically hurts to be this close to him. He’s older, obviously, and though I always saw the ways in which they were different, I can’t deny that he is still very much the spitting image of Cooper. The same dark hair - though longer and curlier - same slender frame and deep blue eyes. He has the same mannerisms and beneath the steely veneer, I imagine he has the same smile too.

Seeing him in that hospital bed, pale and hurt, his eyes looking lost and scared, brought back so many memories that I pushed away. Nausea swirls in my gut knowing he did that to himself. I’m also so angry at him, which I know isn’t fair. I can’t say I don’t understand why he did it either.

Standing at his doorstep, watching him in my hoodie, as he unlocks the front door, I try to reconcile what I felt the last time I saw him with the way I feel now. Time has passed since that day at the funeral. Space has grown wider, and emotions have been buried. That they’re now bubbling to the surface is unnerving and a danger to the carefully crafted life I’ve built for myself in a hopeless attempt to feel whole again. Three years of processing my loss. Three years of pretending Caiden’s exile from our lives didn’t add pain to my already smarting heart.

Three fucking years.

Cooper is gone. Cooper is gone and I’ve moved on. The five unread texts from Rachel are a stark reminder that I moved on. I did. I really did.

I’ve gotten so good at lying to myself.

Caiden opens the door to his one bed flat. As we walk inside, he’s immediately greeted by loud meowing. He falls into a crouch and scoops the furry creature into his arms. The missing tail cues me into who it is he’s holding, and a wave of nostalgia hits me. I was surprised how much I missed seeing the little guy when I visited my mum and Duncan. Everything in that house changed after Cooper died, and the cat leaving with Caiden was just one more reminder that we would never be the same people again.

I walk further into the room and place my keys and phone on his kitchen counter. It’s clear of everything bar two small cacti and an empty fruit bowl.

Standing with my back to the narrow counter separating the kitchen from the rest of the house, I take in the small living area. In it sits a blue sofa, a worn out rug and a small coffee table. The only other furniture is a set of floor to ceiling shelves which Caiden has filled with pot plants. Thick green ferns cascade towards the floor from one of the higher shelves and beneath them sits a row of succulents and some other plants I don’t recognise. The other thing I notice is how tidy it is. There’s no socks on the floor, no clothing hanging over the back of the sofa. Not even a dirty glass in the sink. Everything is neat and orderly. Just another way he and Cooper are - were - so different. My boyfriend was a chaotic mess at times.

“God, I am so sorry, Ford.” Caiden stands up and buries his nose in his cat’s fur. It dawns on me then, as I take in his home, that if he’d have died on that bathroom floor, Ford would have been left here alone. Would anyone have known to come and get him? Did Caiden even think about that?

Frustration mixes with the confusion I already feel being near Caiden again, and I can't stop myself from lashing out at him. “I guess he got lucky,” I say unhelpfully, then stroll past them both, going further into the room. My eyes land on a yellow and white cage on a table behind the sofa.

Drawing closer to the cage, I bend at the waist and peer through the painted bars. Two tiny black eyes stare at me from a bed of tissue and sawdust, before a little orange hamster emerges. The creature comes closer and rubs its nose between the bars, its whiskers twitching as it scents the stranger approaching.

“What was your plan, Caiden?” Behind me comes a thump and pitter patter of paws on hardwood, and I straighten and turn to find him watching me, chewing on his bottom lip. He’s standing behind the counter, leaning against it. Ford jumps up and meows again before losing interest and jumping back down. Silence exists like a whole other being in the room, and it itches at my skin, agitating me to the point that I feel restless. I crave some sort of reaction from Caiden. Something that says he’s just as unbalanced in this moment as I am. “You know, for Ford and this guy.” I gesture to the hamster’s cage. “Or did you not think about them?”

Shut up, Jamie. I hate myself now as much as I did at Cooper’s funeral. I’m a thousand layers of a person made up of a thousand feelings. Anger sits top and centre, no matter how wrong and misguided it is.

“But that’s not surprising is it?” I walk towards him, slowly closing the space so there’s nothing but the counter between us. “Because that’s how you’ve always been. Fuck the consequences. Fuck what happens to anyone else.” I poke and poke but he doesn’t bite. He just chews on his lip, flips his tongue around his piercing and narrows his eyes at me.

“You’re selfish, Caiden,” I state. His jaw clenches. “At least admit that. That night-” I start, but he cuts me off.

“Shut up. Just shut the fuck up, Jamie!” Both his hands are now fisted on the counter and his nostrils flare as he stares daggers at me. “You don’t know half of what I feel. You don’t know me, or what I've been through.”

A humourless laugh escapes and it’s all I can do not to roll my eyes. “I don’t know how you feel?” I ask incredulously. “You’re really saying that, to me ?” I bang my fist to my chest. How the hell can he believe that I don’t understand? “I lost the love of my life. I never even got a chance to say goodbye.” Tears sting my eyes but I take a deep breath to keep them from falling.

I won't let him see me cry.

“He was my best friend, Jamie!” Caiden yells. “I lost my brother. My twin. The other part of my fucking soul. I was barely hanging on before that night. Don’t you dare fucking judge me for my actions now.” He swipes at his eyes before leaning his elbows on the counter and covering his face with his hands. “You told me you wished I’d died and I wished the same,” he says, his voice muffled behind his hands. “Would it really be so bad if you got what you wished for?”

My stomach sours and my throat tightens. I should never have said those things to him, but grief made me heartless and angry. “Don’t say that.”

He looks up at me and his blue eyes are red rimmed. My phone rings and a photo of me and Rachel flashes up on the screen. It’s a photo we took in Paris last year. She’s kissing my cheek while also looking at the camera. To an outsider, we look like a young couple madly in love.

It’s a facade though.

That day, an hour before that photo was taken, a girl about my age walked past us with a song playing through their phone. A song that reminded me of Cooper. Inside, behind the fake as fuck smile, my heart was still broken and my resolve to move on was slipping. In the three years since his death, I have become a master at wearing disguises. It’s exhausting, and as much as Caiden frustrates me, today is the first time in months that I’ve dropped the mask.

He makes me want to stop pretending.

Moving quickly, I snatch up the phone and shove it in my pocket. Caiden straightens, then pulls off my hoodie and throws it at me. I can't help the way my eyes snap to his naked chest anymore than I can stop my next breath. “Just go, Jamie. Get back on your high horse and get back to your life.” He waves his hand towards where I’ve just hidden my phone.

I shake my head. “No. I’m not leaving. You don’t have anyone else and you shouldn’t be alone. Not after -”

He chuckles but it’s dark and devoid of humour. “Not after I tried to kill myself? You know why I wanted to die, Jamie?” He doesn’t pause for me to answer. “I wanted to die because I miss him too damn much to keep living. And really, I don’t deserve to be here anyway. I punish myself day in and day out because I fucked up. I cost Cooper his life. Me.” There’s a part of me that wants to argue with him because I’ve blamed him for so long but I’ve also walked through that night in my mind a million times and it’s not as simple as that.

Caiden takes a shuddering breath. “But you know why I changed my mind right when it mattered most? Because nothing in this fucking world can guarantee me that I’ll see him again. Nothing. Not the fact that we were twins. Not all his talk of the fucking stars. Nothing. Look for me in the stars - that’s what he said shortly before he died, and I do, all the fucking time but he’s not there!”

My heart squeezes. Not only out of sadness for him but out of understanding. Because I look for Cooper all the time, in everything. And mostly, I never find him.

“I’m home and I’m safe and I have someone else I can call.” He pulls his phone out of his pocket and turns the screen on, all without looking at it. “So you can assuage your guilt or fucked up familial obligations and get the fuck out. I don’t want or need you here, Jamie.”

The words ‘no’ and ‘I’m sorry’ are on my lips, but I’m not sure me being here is doing him any good. I can’t help but think I’m making everything so much worse. His walls are rising and he’s pushing me away exactly like he’s always done.

“You’ll call your friend if you feel like -”

He cuts me off. “Yeah, I’ll call him. Forget about me, Jamie.”

“Can I call your dad?” I offer, my voice hopeful. I know how badly Duncan misses him and his dad could be the support he needs.

“No!” He blanches and looks away from me. “Seriously, please just leave. I don’t want you here.”

Caiden’s exit from my life had been seamless. One day, his things were in our parents’ house and the next they weren’t. Texts and calls went unanswered. I went to find him at his job and at the retirement home where he volunteered, but he'd quit. I was so angry, so hurt, so sad, but I wanted to…. I don’t even know what I wanted back then. Something. I wanted something.

Grabbing my keys, I round the counter, stepping up to him until my arm brushes his side. I ignore the way my heart thuds erratically at his proximity.

“Not that you care, because you fucked off after your brother died, but I stayed. And along with my mum, we picked up the pieces of your dad.” His breath catches on an exhale and he steps back, his gaze fixed over my shoulder. “If you think you were barely hanging on, you have no idea what losing Cooper - and then you - did to him. Don’t make him have to bury you too.”

Caiden’s head drops as I turn away from him.

I hesitate at the door before adding. “I know you don’t want me here. But you can call me. You’re still my stepbrother. There’s still a chance for us - your dad included - to be a family.” He doesn’t say anything, so I open the door, step out and slam it forcefully behind me.

“Fuck!” I yell into the empty corridor, before bringing my hand back and punching the wall hard enough to split the skin on my knuckles. The pain lances through me as I press them to my lips.

Fuck this entire day. Fuck Caiden. Fuck truck drivers who fall asleep at the wheel. Fuck me and fuck Cooper for dying. Just fuck it all to hell.

“I don’t understand why you can’t just drive home and go when you’re needed.” Rachel's sing-songy voice comes through the loudspeaker and I hold in a groan. We’ve already had this conversation, twice . I don’t live close enough to pop back and forth, on a good day, the drive would take me just under five hours and with my next steps unclear, I have no desire to drive back and forth. The only reason I left the hospital earlier was to buy a few things that I hadn’t thought to pack. After seeing Caiden in that hospital bed, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to walk away.

Even if walking away feels like the easiest choice and what he wants me to do. I could go back to the way things were before the call. Before I set eyes on my stepbrother again. Back to the life I spent the last few years building. My stomach clenches when I consider that option. Going back to a job I hate and a girlfriend I feel nothing for sounds like the worst fucking idea ever.

But staying? Trying to get to know Caiden again, attempting to repair our already tattered relationship when he clearly doesn’t want me around. Yeah, no, that sounds like a bad fucking idea too.

A big part of me says I owe it to Cooper to make sure Caiden’s okay. That’s what brought me here in the first place - but another part of me - the one that scares me most - wants to stay because I want him back in my life. I want to make up for the things I said, and the time we lost, and despite his words, there’s something in his eyes when he looks at me that says he wants me here.

The hotel room I’m in is small and I pace from one corner to the other in a few short steps. Flopping onto the bed, I cover my eyes with the back of my arm and finally interrupt Rachel as she harps on about some brunch I’ll miss unless I’m home by tomorrow morning.

“Rachel.” She pauses, silence settling between us. “I’m not coming home tonight. I’m not sure I’ll be back tomorrow either.”

She huffs and I can picture her brown eyes rolling, her dark lashes fluttering as she chews her cheek in irritation. “We’ve been dating for eighteen months and I’ve never heard about this brother - “

“Stepbrother,” I interrupt.

“Fine, stepbrother. You’ve never mentioned him and now suddenly you’re putting aside your entire life to run off to him. Sorry if I sound a little heartless but, you can’t care about the guy very much if you don’t even tell your girlfriend he exists!”

It’s complicated, sounds like a cop out but that’s the only thing I can think to say. Rachel huffs again and her irritation burns through the phone. “And what about work? You told me you had no more leave days left when I mentioned that cruise to Barbados.”

Lies have become the foundation of my new life. My ‘after Cooper life’.

How’s work? Great .

Lie.

Do you love me? Yes .

Lie .

Have you been to Cooper's grave lately? Yes .

Another lie .

It’s all one big fabricated story that keeps those around me happy and keeps me moving forward when some days all I want to do is give up. I remind myself every morning that I was blessed to have survived - lucky that nurse had said - and so I put all my energy into living. Isn’t that what those of us left behind should do? Live. Be happy.

I think of the little keyring Cooper had - Live Laugh Love it said in big glittery blue writing. As if those were the only things that one needed to survive. Once upon a time, I'd have believed that to be true.

Rachel repeats her statement, but the exhaustion that lives permanently in the marrow of my bones makes it too hard for me to focus.

“Listen, Rachel, I need to go. I’ll speak to you tomorrow.” I don’t give her a chance to answer before I hit the red button and end the call. Throwing my phone onto the bed next to me, I roll onto my side and stare at the green and white painted wall of the small hotel room. Outside the light has faded, giving way to a clear, dark night.

“Babe! Why is there so much clothing on my bed?” Cooper looks up at me from his spot at my desk. I’ve just picked up some takeout and come back to my room where he’s working on an assignment. His hair is a mess, his t-shirt rumpled, and he has these cute as fuck black rimmed glasses on.

“Oops sorry!” He smiles slyly and looks over at my narrow set of drawers. “I may have moved a few of my things in.” My heart does this little skip and I round on him, pull the chair between my legs, grab his cheeks and kiss him, hard.

“You trying to move in with me, baby?” I lick across his lips and he opens up for me, moaning when my tongue swipes against his.

“I spend so many nights here, it made sense to bring over a few things. I just don’t know what to do with your things.” He shrugs and I kiss him again because fuck, those things can go in the bin for all I care. The more time Cooper spends with me, the happier I am. If he wants to give up his place and move in here, I’m all for it.

“I love you Jamie,” Cooper says and I open my mouth to tell him that he’s my entire world but nothing comes out. Suddenly, my throat tightens and I can’t breathe, and Cooper is no longer in front of me. Caiden is there and he’s looking at me with tears in his eyes and blood on his cheeks. My own eyes fill with tears and the thick metallic scent of blood fills my nose.

My eyes shoot open and I suck in sharp bursts of air. I’m still on the hotel bed and I’m tangled in the sheets, my skin drenched in sweat, my mouth dry and scratchy. The nightmares never go away but some nights I can manage them. Some nights I sit in the discomfort they bring and just let myself be immersed in them. Playing them through like a movie that I’m overly invested in. Other nights, I wake up in tears, nauseous and with this overwhelming need to run.

Now, is one of those nights.

With Cooper’s face fresh in my mind and the heaviness of guilt over the way I treated Caiden weighing me down, I untangle myself from the sheets. Stripping out of my clothes, I throw on my running gear, tie the laces on my trainers and head out of the hotel. My steps start off slow as I make my way down the road, the July air is cool but as I pick up my pace, a layer of sweat coats my skin. As the buildings on either side of me end, giving way to the bank of the river, I break into a run.

My feet hit the ground with heavy thuds, heart and breath working in sync with the movements. I run and I don’t stop. Curving this way and that to avoid people. Groups of kids, and couples taking lazy strolls all fade into a blur as I push myself past the point of comfort.

I run and run until my lungs ache and my mind goes blank. Until all I can focus on is forcing air into my lungs and feeling the solid ground beneath my feet. I run until my body begs me to stop and everything becomes too blurry for me to see. I run until I know that it’s not sweat in my eyes but tears.

Collapsing on a spot of grass, I wipe furiously as they fall. I am so tired of crying, so tired of hurting. I run my hand through the grass, the blades tickling my palms before digging my nails into the soil. Gripping the ground like it has the power to still my whirring thoughts.

After a while of lying there, my fingers aching and caked in dirt, I let go, stretch them out and clean them on my tee. Checking the time on my phone, I decide it’s not too late to call my best friend. Sage answers after the third ring, sounding breathless but happy and I feel my lips twitch into a smile.

“I’m mad at you right now,” she huffs.

“What did I do this time?” I continue to rub my free hand along the grass before bringing it to rest on my chest.

“Your girlfriend was in a right mood all day because of your disappearing act. Why didn’t you listen when I told you not to date someone I work with? Why?” She drags out the word ‘why’ so it sounds like she’s wailing.

“She’s not that bad. You’re being dramatic.” I wish she could see the impressive eye roll I give her. We fall silent but it's a comfortable, familiar silence.

“How is he?” Sage finally asks. She groans and I picture her dropping her heavily pregnant body onto the sofa.

“He says he's fine.”

She scoffs. “Sounds like Caiden.”

Pushing myself up, I sit with my knees bent against my stomach and my arms resting on them. My voice lowers as I say, “He doesn’t want me here.”

“Maybe you need to respect that, Jay,” Sage says. “It’s been three years. He has a life that doesn’t include you. I know you and I know how badly you want to make things right, but that doesn’t mean it’s what Caiden wants.”

With my forehead now resting on my arms, I moan. “You’re right. I know you are. But Sage, I was so horrible to him before. Fuck, even tonight I wasn’t exactly what you’d call sympathetic. But he just makes me forget how to act when I’m close to him. It’s like all the words I’ve thought of saying these past three years just evaporate and I turn back into the jerk I was the last time he saw me.”

Sage sighs then curses under her breath at the same time I hear rustling on the other side of the phone. “I think you have to accept that this isn’t something you can fix.” She goes quiet before adding. “You know he’s not Cooper? And he’s not a replacement. You can’t treat him like he is.”

My blood runs cold. “I know that! That’s not….I’m not… God, Sage, I’d never treat him like he is. Even though he left, and he changed his number and he did everything to build this huge space between us, he’s still my family.”

She makes a noise that I take as agreement before I continue. “I think he’s punishing himself.” My stomach twists with guilt when I add, “and I think I’m partly to blame.”