20. Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty
Jamie
I t’s busy along the river tonight - which isn’t surprising given it’s a Friday and the early summer air is warm and humid. Weaving my way around a couple standing near the edge of the river wall, I turn left and head up a small flight of stairs, coming out on the main high street. Late night shoppers and more restaurant goers make running in this area difficult, so I hang right and head back towards the river but in the opposite direction of the restaurants.
My pace increases the further into the residential area I get. My chest protesting the way I’m pushing myself forward - my lungs burning on every inhale. Sweat lines the back of my neck and I could really do with something to drink. I worked remotely from my cramped hotel room all day, not taking a single break, so despite the pain, this feels good. I focus on the things that count right now - the movement of my feet, the length of my stride, the position of my back and shoulders. There’s no room in my thoughts for stepbrothers, or suicide attempts, or broken hearts or girlfriends or hotel rooms or bad choices.
It’s not until I round a corner and come face to face with a familiar building, that I realise just how far I’ve run. Stopping short, I bend down and catch my breath then look up at the five storey apartment block wedged between a similar complex on the left and a large Victorian house on the right. A tall tree stands at the front like a sentry and a patch of green lawn runs to the edge of the pavement where I’m standing. Street lights paint the area in a light yellow glow and I take two steps forward, my shadow falling over the pathway that leads to the entrance of Caiden’s block.
I failed today. Failed to keep him out of my thoughts. Failed to pack a bag and head home. I hate that he hurt himself, and I’m angry. But not at him. No. It’s me that I’m mad at. I’ve practiced my apology a million times. Planned out what I’d say to him if I ever got a chance again and then when he was right in front of me, I drew weapons instead of words. Like the day at Cooper’s funeral, last night, I knocked Caiden down because I was hurting.
He’s not the only one who acts without thinking. What a pair we are.
I thought about messaging him today - he changed his number when he left, but I have it now, and I could use it. I was so tempted, typing and deleting message after message before finally throwing my phone on the bed. He wants me to leave him alone and Sage could be right - she so often is - maybe that is better. I don’t believe it though - there’s something about the way he looks at me, like his eyes are begging me to stay even when his words tell me to go.
So, it’s no coincidence that I’m here now. He consumes my thoughts, and until I do something about this - until I talk to him and fix the rift between us or say goodbye for good - I’m stuck. Maybe it’s selfish, hell it probably is, but I need to see him.
Two more steps forward. And then another. And then another and suddenly, my hand is on the glass door that opens into a small lobby. I pause, looking down at my white and blue trainers and sweat soaked running top. I should leave. I shouldn’t be here. I turn to head back down the path but then turn around again, shaking my head, and pull the door open. I don’t want to leave.
Inside the lobby, I untie the black hoodie from around my waist and pull it on. It smells faintly of him as I slowly pull it over my head. Then, I run a hand through my hair in a feeble attempt to tidy what I can only imagine is a sweaty mop of brown untidy waves.
On the second floor, I hover on Caiden’s doorstep. There’s music coming from inside. A heavy monotonous beat like a record player stuck playing the same thing over and over. It’s not the angsty, indie rock I know he likes, but then again, maybe I don’t know him at all.
My fist raps against the wooden door. Once. Twice. Three times. There’s no response so on the fourth knock, I hit the wood a little harder. When no sound but the beat of the music meets me, my pulse quickens. A million and one thoughts of what could have happened to him barrel into me. I should never have left him alone.
“Caiden!” I yell, knocking again in quick, frantic succession. “Caiden! Open up.” Nothing. Just the boof boof boof of music matching the boom boom boom of my heart. Looking around, I contemplate my options - calling the police, kicking it down (unlikely), asking a neighbour for help. In the end I try the simplest thing first. The handle moves easily under my hand and the door to Caiden’s apartment swings open. Inside, the music is louder and a pair of shoes too big to be his lies in the entry.
My legs tremble as I dash towards the short corridor to the left of his kitchen, following the source of the music. As I reach his bedroom door, I stop abruptly, my vision narrowing as I take in the scene in front of me. I swear for just a heartbeat the world goes red.
Standing over Caiden’s bed, completely naked and fully erect, is a guy I vaguely recognise. He’s sipping from a bottle of beer while his nails rake red lines into the soft skin of Caiden’s naked ass. Caiden, who is lying with his eyes open, staring blankly into the distance with the side of his face pressed to the sheets. His lips part when he sees me but he moves only to wipe a strand of hair from his forehead.
There’s this buzzing in my veins, like the flapping wings of a thousand angry bees. My fists clench and unclench, then close again, squeezing so hard my nails dig into the soft skin on my palms. My jaw tenses and I know, I know , that I have no right to the turmoil of emotions igniting inside me.
No right.
And yet….
Barrelling forward, my hands connect with the guy’s shoulder and because he’s not expecting me, he stumbles sideways. The beer bottle falls from his hand, spilling its contents onto the carpet and the man’s face sets into a vicious snarl.
He rights himself and stands up straight, squaring his shoulders as he takes a step towards me. He gets so close I can smell the yeast on his breath. “What the fuck?” A drop of spittle lands on my cheek as he yells in my face, loudly enough to be heard over the grating music.
From the corner of my eye, I see Caiden sit up and curl in on himself, resting his head on his knees.
The guy presses one hand to my chest and pushes me backwards. I press down on my heels, locking my feet to the ground so he only manages to shift me slightly. Forming a fist, I lift my arm and rear it back, ready to knock this fucker out but, for whatever reason, he retreats, lifting his hands in surrender.
If he expected to throw me off guard, he didn’t succeed. Even as he takes a step back and turns off the music, my muscles remain coiled for a fight. Silence hums in the absence of the incessant drumming, and my voice comes out louder than expected.
“You need to leave.”
The guy’s lip twists into a grin and it hits me then how I know him. He’s the douchecanoe Cooper always warned Caiden to stay away from. Oliver. The fight in me dims when that really sinks in. Caiden left. He left his family, he left his home but he kept this guy. The reality of that hits so fucking hard, I want to turn and run.
Oliver can’t read the turmoil on my face - or maybe he can and he doesn’t care, because his grin widens and he tips his chin towards Caiden. For his part, Caiden just sits there, his eyes darting between the two of us.
“Mate,” Oliver starts and the word raises my hackles, I am not his fucking mate . “Everything here is perfectly consensual.” He waves a hand from his naked chest towards Caiden’s huddled form. “Boy likes it rough. Now, I wouldn’t usually say no to a threesome but I’m not getting that vibe from you, so if you’ll excuse us…” Oliver has the fucking audacity to grip his cock with one hand while using the other to push me away from the bed.
“Do not fucking touch him!” I yell as I wedge myself between Oliver and the side of the bed. He’s broader and taller than me but my rage makes me feel fucking huge. Levelling him with a glare, my words come out slow and laced with caution. “Step.” My hand meets his chest. “Away.” I step even closer. “And get the fuck out of here.”
I don’t know what I’ll do if he doesn’t leave. All I know is that he’s not laying another finger on Caiden. I don’t understand this sudden possessiveness that coils around me so I tell myself it’s because he’s Cooper’s twin, and protecting him is what Cooper will have wanted. I can’t let it be anything more, it’s not anything more. It’s not.
Thankfully, Oliver doesn’t test me. He gives one look over my shoulder then shrugs and grabs his clothing that’s strewn around the room. At the doorway he turns towards me but his words are meant for Caiden.
“He’s not worth the trouble.” Caiden flinches but doesn’t respond. That sad look I’ve seen on his face a hundred times before flashes across his features and I turn away because it makes me feel some kind of way that is too much to think about right now.
When I return from making sure Oliver’s left and locking the front door, Caiden is curled up on his side, his legs tucked up to his stomach and his hands over his face.
“Caiden?”
He moves his hands and looks at me with watery, bloodshot eyes. Tentatively, I move towards the bed but stop short when I remember he’s completely naked. My eyes have a mind of their own as they move slowly over the sharp edges of his body. Taking in every dip, every tattoo and every bare inch of skin. My chest pinches and my blood heats with something other than anger.
But he’s drunk and I’m not here for that . I shake my head. Why the fuck are these thoughts even crossing my mind? That’s not why…we’re not….that’s not….no. For a second, I’ve forgotten why I came here in the first place. To talk? To make amends? To say goodbye? To make sure he’s okay? Yes, it’s one of those reasons.
Clearing my throat, I avert my gaze to the art above his head. Shades of black and grey with speckles of blue and turquoise. They remind me of looking at a galaxy, at a place far, far beyond our understanding.
“I’m going to grab you some water, okay?”
He sits up, and I watch as he haphazardly pulls on his sweats, careful to keep the front of his body from my view. Then, he moves to climb off the bed, stumbling once he gets one foot on the floor. On instinct, I shoot forward and catch him. My hands landing on the smooth skin covering his ribs. He gasps and leans forward until we’re chest to chest.
“You came back. For me,” he whispers, his lips dangerously close to my ear. A shiver races through me as my heart tries to escape the safe place in my chest. The beat of it getting louder in my ears the longer I hold him.
Caiden’s lips graze my neck before he speaks again. “I thought about you. Today. Now. With him.” His words slur as he taps the side of his head. “You’re in here. You shouldn’t be in here.” My mouth opens then closes again because what the fuck do I say to that? I close my eyes and tip my head back. Panic engulfs my chest and I can’t catch my breath because Caiden’s lips are on my neck and then his rough tongue is licking a line across my throat and it feels so fucking good . Too fucking good. But it’s all so wrong. So very wrong.
“Oh God,” Caiden suddenly blurts, before he pulls out of my hold and stumbles towards the door. He moves faster than I think possible for someone in his state. Hot on his heels, I follow and watch as he falls to the floor at the foot of the toilet with his head bent over the bowl. He retches once, twice and then a third time, until he’s making this sorrowful gagging noise.
Settling on my knees behind him, I run a hand down his back, along the curve of his spine. He’s trembling and his chest stutters as he dry heaves. “You’re okay, Cade,” I soothe. His heaves turn into sobs and I push my whirlwind of emotions aside because regardless of what I do or don’t feel for this man or his brother, he needs someone. I’m here, I can be the thing that holds him together, even if just for tonight. It doesn’t need to be anymore than that.
“You came back. For me.” He pushed me away last night but I should have known that that’s what Caiden always does. I should have stayed. I’m not going anywhere now.
Wrapping an arm around Caiden’s lean waist, I pull him and adjust us so he’s sitting on my lap. Caiden sinks into me, his body softening as he lets out broken, stuttered breaths. “You’re okay,” I say again.
Cradling him to my chest, on the cool bathroom floor, I think about the events that led us here. Going back to the day we met, to the day I fell in love with his twin, to the day our choices cost us more than we could ever afford. To the day I told him I wish he had died, to the day he left and then to yesterday when I watched him sleeping in the hospital bed, regretting every harmful word. And then to now. To this moment where it feels like he’s right where he’s meant to be. Where he smells unfamiliar but he feels like mine.
That thought scares me more than I care to admit.