That One Moment

23. Chapter Twenty-Three

Chapter Twenty-Three

Jamie

T here was no sleep for me last night. No matter how hard I tried and even after a run along the river and three beers in the bar. So now, I’m standing on Caiden’s doorstep feeling like death warmed up. One of his neighbours leaves her apartment, and I give her a smile, trying not to look like a creep standing here staring at his door. She gives me a curious look and a soft ‘hello’ and then disappears into the stairwell.

I stand on his welcome mat and study the black print on it - a black cat and the words, Ford’s Place in big bold letters. It's the kind of thing someone gets given as a gift and not something they buy themselves. Deciding I’ve stood in one spot for long enough, I rap on the door, my stomach coiled tight with nerves. I’ve rehearsed everything I need to say - ran over the words in the darkness of my cramped hotel room. I shuffle my feet on the mat, looking around the empty corridor. What feels like hours later, the lock clicks and then Caiden’s there in front of me.

And fuck me sideways, this was not what I expected. Butterflies take flight in my chest as the air is sucked from my lungs.

He’s wearing my hoodie.

Stepping across the threshold, I grab his hips and push him until we’re both inside, the door slamming shut behind us. Caiden gasps as I drag him closer to me and press my nose to the spot where my hoodie meets his collarbone. He wore my hoodie on the way back from the hospital out of necessity, but this feels different. This feels like something he chose to do. A part of me he wanted to keep even after he told me to leave.

“This is mine,” I say, moving one hand up his side and over his chest until I’m holding the fabric in my hand.

“I know.” Pulling back I take in the dip of his blue eyes as they settle on my lips. He licks his own once then his eyes meet mine, a black curl falling in front of his face. “Why are you here, Jamie?”

It’s the same question he asked me last night - a question I’m prepared for now. Only, all those words I had carefully planned and practiced are gone like a puff of smoke dissolving into thin air.

“To say goodbye.” My hand squeezes his hip tighter and his own hands come to rest on my waist. “To say I’m sorry and then to go home.”

Caiden nods. “Then say what you came to say.” His leg slides between mine and those butterflies whip up into a frenzied flight at the same time my cock twitches. “Tell me goodbye.” His eyes don’t leave mine and I take the moment to study his face. The dark lines of his eyebrows, the thick lashes that circle his sapphire blues. He has pale, flawless skin and pinking cheeks.

Tell me goodbye.

“Okay,” I say but neither of us move and I don’t say a word. Instead we stand staring at each other, our breaths heavy between us and our bodies so closely connected, I am aware of every line, groove and muscle pressing against me. My hands tense in the fabric of my hoodie, pulling him a fraction closer. In the space of such a short time, Caiden Carrington has turned my world upside down - it’s unexpected, thrilling and confusing in equal measures, and I have no idea what to do about it.

“Jamie,” Caiden eventually says. “What is this?” There’s an edge of vulnerability in his voice and a shadow crosses his eyes when he adds, “I’m not Cooper.”

Pain reverberates through my chest. That’s what he thinks this is - why I’m here. And how can I blame him when I’ve not given him any reason to think otherwise? Sage was right - I’m only going to hurt him. I probably already have.

“I know you're not, Caiden,” I reply, letting him go. He watches me for a brief minute before retreating into the kitchen. I stay on the other side of the counter, keeping it there as a barrier between us.

Caiden moves fluidly around, taking out mugs and filling the kettle. “Do you want something to drink?” he asks with his back to me. He puts a tea bag into one mug and then pauses, waiting for my reply. The air is thick with tension and an uncomfortable awkwardness that has me rubbing a hand aimlessly through my hair.

“Yeah, um, tea. Thank you.”

Once the tea is made, Caiden pushes my mug towards me and sips from his own, keeping his eyes low.

“When Cooper died,” I finally start, deciding that this part is never going to get easier. “I blamed you.” I wait for his eyes to meet mine, but they don’t and instead I’m left staring at unruly black curls as he studies the contents of his mug.

“I blamed you and I said some really shitty things which you didn’t deserve. The truth is, I was so angry that we were even at that party in the first place. I replayed that night over and over - on a non-stop loop for days after his funeral. What if we’d never gone? What if I’d never hit that guy? What if Cooper had been the one drinking and you’d been driving? So many ‘what if’s’ that I made myself sick thinking of them.”

Caiden’s blue eyes slowly look up at me. There’s pain and sadness in their depths and I wonder if he can see the same in mine. He doesn’t say anything, just watches me with his bottom lip tucked between his teeth.

“I called you after the funeral and I came to your work because I needed you to know that I was sorry. For the things I said - for wishing it was you instead of him - and for blaming you in the first place.” I move around the counter so that I’m standing at his side. He leans forward and rests his forehead on the counter, his back arched and his hands buried in his hair.

“My mum found me one day, sick and weak and broken. Completely broken. She was angry at me for how I’d acted at the funeral but she’d given me space to grieve before bringing it up. And you know what she told me?”

His head shakes. It’s subtle but I see it.

“She told me none of it matters. Not a single ‘what if’ matters. Because we don’t get a do over and we don’t get to decide which choice we could have made to change the outcome. Cooper got behind the wheel that night, his eyes left the road, and a truck driver fell asleep. Those are the cold hard facts. No one is to blame.”

Caiden’s back rises and falls under his harsh breaths and I rest one hand on him, his body trembling beneath my touch.

“I’m going to leave now because I know that’s what you want. But for what it's worth, I don't think of Cooper when I'm with you. What happened last night, that was me wanting you.”

I laugh to myself when I add. “I don't know what the fuck I'm doing or how any of this happened, but I won't regret it. I only regret that I may have hurt you somehow.”

Blowing out a deep breath, I run a hand through his hair and he lifts his head. His eyes are wet and his cheeks are a brighter shade of pink.

“I wish I knew why you left and I wish you’d come back. We never got the chance to be a family - and maybe that’s still not in the stars for us, but if you want a friend, I’d love to be that person.”

I place a soft, chaste kiss on his tear streaked cheek.

“Goodbye, Caiden,” I whisper and he stands up to face me. “Keep this.” I stroke a hand down his chest. “It looks better on you, anyway.”

I’m at the front door when he finally speaks. “I didn’t deserve to be a part of your family.” He sniffs, and his voice cracks, and it’s all I can do not to pull him into my arms and hold him. “That’s why I left. You, Duncan, your mum, Cooper - you were a family - I never wanted any part of it. How could I suddenly claim a spot just because he died?”

His eyes plead with me to understand but I don’t think I do because we tried so hard to include him. He was the one who pushed away, even when Cooper was the one pulling him in.

“You could have stayed, could have given us a chance. Hell, you could have given us a chance all the times Cooper asked you to. But, I think you wrote us off long before Cooper died.” I try to keep my voice even but it’s not easy and even to my own ears, I hear the hurt in my words.

There is so much more to say, but I don’t get a chance because the front door swings open and a short blond guy comes barging in, bringing with him the scent of coffee.

“Jesus, Caiden. How many times do I have to tell you to lock -” The blond's words fade away when he sees me. “Oh! Hi. You’re not Caiden.”

“No shit,” I say, the hairs on the back of my neck rising as I stand a little taller. Did Caiden really call another guy over after last night? Fuck, it doesn’t matter, it’s not up to me who Caiden fucks, I’ll be out of his life again soon. The blond isn’t intimidated by me in the slightest. He saunters over and pats my cheek before sidestepping me.

I follow his movements as he walks up to Caiden and hands him a cup of takeaway coffee. “Cade babe, whoever this guy is, total golden-retriever-with-rabies vibe. I approve.” The making of a smile plays on Caiden’s lips when the guy pulls him into a hug. They fall into a series of whispers which I can’t make out, and I stand at the door like a fucking third wheel, torn between leaving and demanding some answers from the guy now rubbing his hands up and down Caiden’s arms. He takes Caiden’s injured arm in his hand and pulls up the sleeve of my hoodie, then he tugs Caiden into another hug.

Clearing my throat, I watch the embrace, Caiden’s eyes finding me over the guy's shoulder. “Jamie, this is my best friend, Darius,” Caiden says once they’ve broken apart. He waves a hand at me. “And Darius, this is Jamie. My uh…my brother’s…my… uh…This is Jamie.”

Darius raises one impressively high eyebrow, looking from me to Caiden and then back again.

“Jamie? As in, the stepbrother, Jamie?” It’s a simple question but it throws me off guard long enough for Caiden to jump in and answer. All I can think about is that Caiden told him about me.

“Well, it’s nice to meet you, Jamie. I’m sorry for my unannounced visit.” He faces Caiden. “Though, I told you I would be here on Sunday, and seriously, lock your fucking door. One day it will be an axe murderer who walks in and not your best friend.”

That mini, pseudo smile flits on Caiden’s face again. “Axe murderer?” he asks, and Darius laughs. It’s rich and warm and so carefree, I find myself envious.

Darius shrugs, “I watch too many true crime documentaries. Shit has me paranoid with a capital p. Anyway, I’ve come to take you out for lunch.” He places the back of his hand on Caiden’s forehead, the same way my mum has done to me countless times. “If you’re feeling up to it.”

“I’m fine,” Caiden says, batting Darius’s hand away. “I had a concussion, not a fever and….” He looks at his wrist. “And I’m fine. Lunch sounds nice.”

“Great!” Darius bends down to scratch Ford’s head, the cat having appeared from somewhere to demand attention. “Join us?” he asks, looking up at me.

My eyes find Caiden’s and he raises a brow, letting me make the call. Ten minutes ago, I was leaving - the decision made - even if it’s not what I truly wanted. Darius throwing me this line gives me an excuse to delay my departure at least by a few hours.

“I’d like that, thank you.”

“Don’t thank me, mate. Caiden’s paying.” Darius smirks at his best friend and I decide right then that I like this guy.

Lunch is at a pub on the river. The Beer and Barrel has a blackboard outside that boasts Kingston’s Best Sunday Roast in bold white writing, so I put them to the test and order the lamb roast. Darius and Caiden sit opposite me and I watch, a cold beer in my hand as the two of them joke about Caiden’s habit of taking in strays before bickering about who paid for lunch last time. This is a side of Caiden I’ve only ever seen with Cooper, and while it hurts a little that he had to leave to find it again, I can’t be anything but happy that he has Darius in his life. In the end, Darius bats his eyes at me and I find myself agreeing to foot the bill. Caiden punches his friend on the shoulder but shoots me a crooked grin which sets my blood on fire.

My body reacts to Caiden in a way I hadn’t expected, and I take a huge chug of beer to try and wash away the visceral reaction he has on me. Not for the first time, I wonder if these feelings are wrong. There’s no rule book on what to do when you become infatuated with your dead boyfriend's twin. And is this even infatuation or am I just being ridiculous? Maybe it's relief that I've finally gotten to apologise and that I can go home and tell Duncan his son, who he hasn't seen in years, is okay.

That excuse feels like I'm lying to myself, and I'm so sick of doing that.

Three days ago, Caiden was nothing but a memory that kept resurfacing and now…..now I can’t stop thinking about him. I know what people will think - that all of this is about Cooper. I can’t deny that Caiden looks like him but I’m honest enough to admit that Caiden’s sudden hold on me has nothing to do with the man who's had my heart in his hands, even in death.

Darius laughs and ruffles Caiden’s hair, and I’m pulled from my thoughts. The two of them are affectionate with each other but it’s playful, they give each other shit and I’m sure there’s a story there that I’m not privy to. It reminds me that there is a lot about Caiden I don’t know. So much of what I do know about him was a novel of stories others had told me and judgements I’d made.

My phone buzzes against my leg but I ignore it, until it buzzes again and I get this sense of panic that it could be Sage calling. When I chance a look, it’s not - it’s Rachel, and I feel instantly guilty for not answering. Pocketing my phone, I look up and catch Caiden’s eyes on me, his brows pulled tightly together.

“What do you do, Jamie?” Darius asks, my gaze moving to him. He pops an onion ring into his mouth and smiles at me at the same time.

“I’m an office administrator for a legal firm.” I don’t meet Caiden’s eyes, instead I focus on a droplet of water running down the outside of my glass.

“Not an architect?” Caiden asks, and the surprise in his voice has my cheeks heating. It’s not that I’m ashamed of my job - it’s a fine job - but I’m ashamed of how quickly my dreams became a distant memory.

“Um, no. I never finished my degree. After…” I shake my head. “No, not an architect.”

Silence falls across the table, my broken dreams a surefire way to dampen the mood.

“What about you?” I ask Darius in an attempt to get conversation flowing again.

Thankfully, it works when Darius answers with a long winded story that ends with Caiden saying, “What he’s trying to say is, he does nothing. He has a rich daddy.”

Darius snorts and bumps his shoulder against Caiden’s. “I have a rich father. Which is totally different to having a rich Daddy.” He winks at me, his eyes flashing with mischief.

“Wait,” I say. “If you’re rich why did I pay for lunch?” Darius laughs and Caiden rolls his eyes.

“Because D will tell you that he doesn’t take his father’s money. Not unless it’s to pay for rent, holidays-” Caiden ticks the items off on his fingers. “-travel, clothing or groceries.”

Darius gives Caiden a kiss on the cheek and it does something uncomfortable to my stomach. “You know me so well, babe,” he says.

We finish up our meals and chat about everything and nothing until Darius suddenly stands from the table, darting off to catch up to someone he recognised across the pub. We both watch in silence as he hugs the guy and they start chatting.

“Do you still do the open mic night thing?” Caiden asks, taking a sip of his water. He hasn’t eaten much - moving most of his spinach and feta pie around the plate before pushing it away.

“You knew about that?” I can’t hide the shock in my voice or the way my heart pitter patters when he dips his head and the semblance of a smile settles on his face.

“I knew. Cooper liked to talk about you. His perfect, wonderful boyfriend.” He plays with his tongue ring, flicking it between his teeth. There’s affection in his voice, but something else too, that I can’t pinpoint.

“Well, he’d be really disappointed in me now,” I say. “The university drop out, who apparently is also a cheater.” I shake my head and wipe a fallen strand of hair from my forehead. “And no, I don’t sing anymore.” The last time was before Cooper died. My chest clenches when I think about how excited I’d been to sign up for that gig the day I bought his engagement ring. I’d had such grand plans - a stupid, naive lovesick kid who didn’t think the world could possibly throw anything shit his way.

“We have that in common,” Caiden replies wryly, as he sips at his water, his hands shaking when he does. He suddenly looks paler beneath the dim pub lights.

“Guys!” Darius bounces back over to us. His energy, while infectious, is also a bit much for the sombre atmosphere that’s fallen over the table. “I ran into some friends and they’re hiring bikes and taking an evening cycle through Richmond Park. Keen to join?” He looks at me, then at Caiden and then back at a group of about six people waiting near the door.

“I’m actually not feeling great.” Caiden swipes a hand through his hair. “My head is pounding again, so I think I’m just going to call it a day and get some rest.”

In the short space of time I’ve known him, it’s become very clear that Darius not only adores his best friend, but is an overall great guy too, so it doesn’t surprise me when he suggests skipping the cycle and going back to Caiden’s place together.

“I’ll take him home,” I blurt at the same time Caiden says, “No, I’ll be fine on my own.”

For whatever reason, I want to be the one to walk Caiden home. I want to be the one to make sure he gets some rest and feels better.

My phone picks that exact instant to ring, I feel the vibrations against my leg, thankful that it’s on silent but also pretty sure it’s the universe's way of reminding me of what I was meant to be doing right now. What I should do and what I want to do are at war with each other and the right choice doesn’t stand a chance.

“You enjoy your cycle and I’ll make sure he gets home.” I stand and sling my hoodie over my shoulder.

“If you’re sure?” Darius asks, looking between us. Caiden shrugs and I nod. “Don’t you need to be getting back?”

“No. I’m not in a hurry. I’ve got him.” My words are firm, leaving no room for argument.

Darius hugs me, pressing up onto his tiptoes when he does. “Please don’t hurt him,” he whispers in my ear before releasing me and stepping back. “I like you, Jamie, you’re not quite the asshole Caiden made you out to be.”

With that, he spins around, engulfs Caiden in an embrace, kisses his cheek and then leaves to join the group just heading out of the pub.

“Asshole?” I raise an eyebrow at Caiden who is now standing at my side.

“I actually said judgemental prick,” he deadpans with a hint of a smirk.

The moment is light, a contrast to some that have passed between us these last few days. I can’t stop myself from wrapping an arm around his waist and tugging him into my side.

“Let’s get you home. I’ll make you soup to help you feel better.”

He groans. “Please don’t, my kitchen will never recover.” He looks at me then and smiles. And fuck me, it’s beautiful. He’s beautiful.

I want to kiss him.

I don’t because we’re not that - I still don’t know what we are to each other, and I’d do well to remember that I have a girlfriend and a life that may never include Caiden Carrington.

But God, do I want to kiss him.