That One Moment

33. Chapter Thirty-Three

Chapter Thirty-Three

Caiden

I f there is a list of things that a parent should caution their child about, moving in with the guy you’re sleeping with, who is possibly your boyfriend (you can’t be sure, because neither of you have used that word yet) should be top of that list. Or at the very least in the top five.

“Does your music have to be so loud?” I say with a wince. It’s early on a Friday morning. Outside, the trees are slowly changing colour, golds and browns, falling to the pavements. Inside, my boyfriend - because let’s call a spade a spade - is dancing around the kitchen in a pair of black boxers and white socks. His music blaring through the smart speakers pounds against my brain which is already throbbing with a headache. The kitchen is once again in a state that makes my eyeballs itch, and the cat, who - despite me telling Jamie cannot have human food - appears to be chewing on a chicken drumstick.

Three weeks - or more specifically twenty three days ago - Jamie moved from Devon to Kingston, taking up residence in my bed. I fucking love him in my space, love clinging to him like a needy koala, love waking up to his hard body against mine and to his scent invading every part of this small flat. I love our slow and easy conversations and the feel of his laughter when my head rests on his chest, the rumbling a soothing, peaceful balm.

But a Jamie with no purpose, is a Jamie who is also pretty frustrating.

“You’re up!” he shouts over the sound of the music, his strong arms pulling me into him.

“Could you turn it down a bit? I’ve woken up with a bloody headache.”

He clicks something on his phone and the room falls into silence.

Jamie kisses my temple. “Sorry, sweetheart. Let me grab you paracetamol and some breakfast,” he offers.

“No, I’m good. I need to go to work soon, I’ll grab something on the way.”

He looks at me like a kicked puppy for refusing the….I want to say pancakes he’s made, but he only gives a small nod and places another chaste kiss on my temple.

“Are you going to speak to the uni today? There’s only a few weeks until the new school year,” I ask, as I brace myself for the reply, knowing that this is a sensitive topic for him. But quite honestly, we need it. He’s not the same since he moved here. Without a job or any future prospects he does very little besides sit at home or go running. I’m afraid he’s going to resent me soon enough.

“I will get to it,” he snaps, not for the first time when this subject is brought up. He drops his hold on me and moves to leave the room. I stop him, with a hand on his forearm.

“You’ve said that every day this week, soon you won’t have the opportunity to get in this year.”

He rounds on me, his nostrils flaring. “And I will, when I’m ready. Stop pushing me.”

“Someone has to! For fucks sakes, Jamie. It was always your dream to be an architect, you have no reason not to enroll and finish your course. You were so close. Why all this pushback?”

“I don’t know, okay? I think I forgot that part of myself somewhere along the line.”

“Then find it again! You can’t keep sitting around doing nothing with your life. You’re not even thirty yet and you’ve quit on yourself already. We were meant to be living and I’m the only one doing that right now!” I yell. He startles, his eyes widening and my stomach sinks.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that,” I say, reaching out a hand to him.

“Yes, you did. Look at us,” he chuckles bitterly. “The tables have turned, you’re the one with your life together and I’m the huge fucking mess. Who’d have thought it?” He covers his mouth as soon as the words are out but it’s too late. My body burns with anger.

“Fuck you, Jamie, I don’t have time for this.” I grab my keys and wallet off the counter and turn to leave.

“Running away as usual,” he states.

“I’m going to work, because some of us have things going on outside of this flat.”

I knew since the day I saw him again that he was putting up a front about his life. I saw it in his sadness in his eyes when he mentioned dropping out and in the way he changed the subject if ever his job came up. A part of me hoped that he’d find his way again with his move here, but all he’s done is ignore it and it leaves me feeling like an ass for pushing him.

“Phone them, or don’t, that’s up to you, but I have to go.”

I don’t wait for Jamie to say anything more before I walk out the door.

My day goes from bad to worse from then on out. My headache doesn’t dissipate and some lady bumps into me as I’m walking out of the coffee shop, sending my hot drink flying. She apologises and offers to buy me a new one but I say no and storm off to work where things do not improve.

“This fucking machine!” I yell, banging my hand against the coffee machine in the staff kitchen.

“Someone’s cheery this morning,” my boss Hank remarks as he enters the room to find me taking my frustrations out on the machine that’s been at the company longer than I have.

“Sorry, boss. Bad morning.” I give up on getting any caffeine in me and instead pour a glass of water.

I don’t always work in the office but am thankful that today I’m working on a design and not having to do any physical labour. It feels like the kind of day where I’d end up breaking something accidentally.

“I’d ask if you want to talk about it but, I know that’s highly unlikely.”

I muster a smile for the man who took me in all those years ago without any of the qualifications needed to do the job. He told me once that he’d lost his wife only two months before I walked through his doors and he saw in me the same grief and aimlessness he felt in himself. Offering me a job, he said, had been his way of acknowledging that life has to move on.

“I know you’re working on that design for Mrs Cuthbert’s holiday home.” Hank fiddles with the coffee machine and gets it working, and soon enough the kitchen is filled with the aroma of my much needed morning brew.

I nod. “And I have the pricing to do for the Starline Hotel’s water feature,” I remind him.

“We’ll get Gabriella to do that,” he says referring to his daughter who works admin here a few days a week. “I’ve had something come up that I think you’ll love. Maybe it’ll make your day better.”

Hank hands me a mug of black coffee which I take gratefully, blowing on it before sipping. I can already feel the tension from earlier starting to drain from my shoulders. Hank goes on to tell me about a job that’s come in at a retirement village on the outskirts of Richmond Park. He wants me to go down there next week, find out exactly what they want and draw up the plans.

When I first started working for a landscaper back in Devon, during the summer I turned sixteen, I’d been doing small manual labour jobs and teaching myself the design elements on the side. I could have studied further - it would have opened up more prospects for me to have a degree, but I chose not to. There’s still time if I wanted to pursue a career as a chartered landscape architect but, I’m happy as I am.

I think of Jamie and how excited he used to be about his future career. It didn’t go unnoticed back then that we had similar interests in careers. Not for the first time, I hope he finds that same level of joy in something again. I’ve stopped equating the things we do with what I think Cooper will have wanted for us because there’s no way to know. However, I’m certain he’d have been sad to know how much Jamie lost when he died.

“What do you think?” Hank asks, and I realise I’ve been staring at him with my mug pressed to my lips.

“Sounds good. I’ll head there Monday morning.” He pats me on the shoulder and heads to his office.

Gabriella comes in an hour or so later, turns the music up really loud as she always does - her and Jamie would get on well - and I bury myself in work. At some point my computer crashes, losing the file I was working on and the wheel on my chair gives in.

I would laugh at the series of events if I wasn’t so fucking annoyed and sure that this is the worlds way of telling me I’ve been a really shitty boyfriend. Taking out my phone, I pull up the message thread with Jamie.

Me: I’m sorry

When he doesn’t reply, despite the message being delivered, I hang my head and stare at the design laid out over my desk before asking Hank if it’s okay if I shoot off early. It’s only an hour before my usual end time but I’ve had enough of this shitshow of a day.

When I walk in, the flat is quiet and Jamie is sitting in the lounge staring at his phone. Ford, who usually greets me when I get home, takes one look at me and bounds down the hallway towards our bedroom. I don’t blame him, I feel like I’ve been walking around with a dark cloud over my head all day. The ironic part is, it’s Cooper I keep thinking about and how badly I want to talk to him about everything, despite my issue being with his boyfriend or ex-boyfriend, I guess. I never fail to forget that they didn’t actually break up. Death pulled them apart and I don’t think that’s the same thing.

“You didn’t text me back,” I say when Jamie sees me. He gets up and takes slow steps across the room. “I was trying to apologise but you ignored me.” I throw my keys and wallet onto the side table with a little more force than necessary.

“You weren’t exactly nice to me this morning,” he says, and oh God, is he pouting? I take a step closer and yep, the guy is pouting. He’s frustrating and stunning and I want to kiss the stupid pout from his lips but then I remember I’m really fucking annoyed with him. Jamie’s next words make it clear he’s equally as annoyed. “You ran off, which you always do,” he continues. “We can’t do that - we can’t have a heated discussion and then one of us leaves. That’s not how adults communicate and honestly, Caiden, I’m tired of it.” His pout is gone, replaced by a stern expression. He’s not wrong. Jamie and I are good with talking with our bodies but not with our words.

I close the gap in two steps. “You’re right. I should have stayed and hashed it out. I’m sorry I walked away, but you’re not blameless in all this.” I throw my hands in the air, my voice rising an octave, the exasperation in it crystal clear. “I’m scared you’re going to end up resenting me for coming here, and I’m sorry I’m pushy. Silly me for wanting my boyfriend to be happy.” My hand lands on his chest. “I hate seeing you sit around doing nothing. You wanted me to take better care of myself, and I want the same for you.”

The blank expression he was wearing seconds ago morphs into a goofy, lopsided grin.

“Boyfriend?”

Of course that’s all he took from those last few minutes.

“Don’t act surprised. We live together, sleep together, and are frustratingly co-dependent. That makes us boyfriends.”

His eyes gleam and his grin grows, turning into a deviant smirk. “Don’t look at me like that, I’m trying to be mad at you,” I retort. And isn’t that the story of my life? I’ve never been good at holding on to my anger where Jamie’s concerned.

“Jamie.” I say his name with mock warning.

“Caiden,” he replies seconds before he slams his lips to mine, engulfing me in a searing kiss that’s all tongue and teeth and hunger. “Boyfriend,” he mumbles against my lips.

“You make me so fucking angry,” I pant, his hands finding the hem of my top and pulling it over my head.

“Like you don’t do the same to me, sunshine.” He bites my bottom lip while undoing my cargo trousers and walking me backwards towards the lounge. I strip him of his clothes between hungry kisses and by the time he’s thrown himself down onto the sofa, we’re both naked. “I’m simply better at handling your shit,” he muses, spreading his legs wide and sliding down the sofa so he’s the picture of relaxed.

“Sometimes I forget what an asshole you can be,” I say, moving to stand between his splayed legs. He’s stroking his cock leisurely, a bead of precum gathering on the flushed tip. My own cock stands hard and full, as he watches me intently and I give it three gentle strokes, enjoying the way the slow movements cause my blood to simmer.

“You love it when I’m an asshole,” he says, a smug as shit smirk on his face. Correct, I do, even if I haven’t said the words yet. I love him despite the times he makes me mad enough to see red. “Now, be a good boy for me. Suck it or ride it.” He gives a few more tugs on his cock, and I lick my lips but shake my head.

“Oh no, I think we need to sit and talk first. Communicate, remember?” Stepping away, I stroke my cock a few times and watch as his eyes narrow. I fake an overly theatrical groan and tip my head back.

“After. Now, get your ass over here, before I chase you down and tie you to our bed,” he warns and the image that comes to mind has a real groan passing my lips. I take a tube of lube from the side table and throw it next to Jamie, then I climb over him, straddling his thighs.

Because he’s half lying on the sofa, when I press up on my knees, my cock is in line with his face. Gripping Jamie’s hair tightly in one hand, I tug his head back as far as it can go against the cushion. His Adam’s apple protrudes and bobs as his pupils blow wide.

I rub the tip of my cock against his lips, smearing them with precum and making them glisten.

“Open,” I say, my body shaking with the force of my need. Jamie smirks again, sticking out his tongue to lap at the head, teasing the slit. “I said, open,” I growl.

“God, you’re hot when you’re bossy,” he says, before opening his mouth and spitting on my cock. I groan then slide it over his tongue and into the warm, wet heat of his mouth. His hands land on my ass and start massaging my cheeks as I fuck in and out slowly. When he pulls me forward, my hips falter and my cock hits the back of his throat, making him gag.

The feeling is incredible, tight and hot and fuck, I need more. With my hands still in his hair, I hold his face still then fuck his throat hard and fast. He moans and gags, spit dripping down the sides of his face. One of his hands moves off my ass and I gasp when it returns, a slick finger finding my hole. My groin tightens and I pull out of his mouth and squeeze the base of my cock.

“I need to slow down,” I rasp, sucking in a deep breath.

Jamie pushes his finger deeper into me and brushes against my prostate. I moan and look down at him as he adds a second finger. He deliberately presses both fingers against that sensitive bundle of nerves and electricity sparks in my veins.

“Jamie, I’m going to come if you don’t stop,” I warn. Everything in me coils tight and I squeeze my cock harder to hold back the explosion I can feel simmering.

“Feed me your cum, Caiden,” he demands, then nudges my prostate again.

Jamie opens his mouth and I shove back inside as far as I can go. He adds a third finger at the same time he gags around me. The sensations are overwhelming - the heat of his mouth, the tightness of his throat, the sting of his fingers mixed with the incessant tapping of my prostate - it’s all so powerful when combined that I feel the cord holding me together snap.

“Fuck,” I yell as I pull back, my cock sliding over his tongue. Dopamine floods my brain, my orgasm hitting me hard, making my head spin. I drop my hands from Jamie’s hair and hold on to the back of the sofa, steadying myself and catching my breath. I’m still coming down from the high of orgasm when Jamie’s hands find my hips and pull me down, moving me so that the blunt head of his cock is pushing at my entrance.

Then he kisses me, and I groan when he feeds the load I just gave him into my mouth. We kiss, sharing my flavour until our lips sting from the torment and he’s fully seated inside of me. It stings at first, and my body is oversensitive, but he moves slowly, giving me time to adjust. Breaking the kiss, Jamie’s lips find my jaw, tracing the edges of it.

Our eyes meet, his greens which are usually bright like a precious gem, now dark like a deep, dangerous forest. “Ride me,” he says, his hands guiding my hips up and down his dick. I take over the movements, riding him until my muscles ache. He looks so fucking stunning under me. His mouth open, his jaw slack, strands of brown hair falling in front of his eyes. Debauched, and gorgeous, and holy fuck, he’s all mine.

Jamie doesn’t break eye contact as he wraps a hand around my soft cock. I hiss at the contact but feel myself start to thicken in his hold.

“That’s it, good boy getting hard for me again,” he says, and my entire being lights up.

Jamie maneuvers us to sit up straighter, and when his hands find my hips he pulls me closer, trapping my cock against his taut stomach. “Hold on,” he says before he takes over. Giving in to his base desires, he ravages my neck with his teeth while fucking the air out of my lungs. My hands find purchase on his shoulders, my nails digging into his skin. Goosebumps breakout over my whole body when he licks over the bite he’s just left on my neck.

“Kiss me,” he grunts. “Need your mouth, need more of you.” Doesn’t he know he already has every bit of me?

My mouth slants over his and the kiss that follows is beautiful but brutal, matching the voracity with which he’s fucking me. Tongue and teeth and pure fire-fueled desire. My dick slides against his stomach and heat pools low in my belly. When Jamie groans and throws his head back - granting me unlimited access to the slightly stubbled flesh on his neck - my teeth latch on and I suck, feeling a possessive edge take over me, wanting to leave matching marks on his body.

Jamie shudders, his movements becoming uncoordinated. “Yes, Caiden, so fucking perfect.” He thrusts a few more times, then roars, his head thrown back as he comes inside me.

Heat races up my spine and I take my cock in hand, spit on it and stroke a few times before shooting over the smooth flesh of his stomach, the possessive beast inside me taking immense pride in the marks on his neck and my cum on his skin.

Never in all my life, have I felt as insatiable as I do with this man. I want to be both tender and dirty, loving and wild with him. I want to be everything he wants, needs and desires.

Jamie wastes no time maneuvering us to the far side of the sofa and tucking me under his arm, my head next to his heart. His hand finds my hair, carding through it reverently, his nails scraping softly over my scalp. Everything in me is relaxed and warm.

“I am happy,” he says, startling me as eyes start to drift shut. “You said this morning that you want me to be happy, and I am. With you.”

I hum and circle his nipple with one finger. “I’m glad about that. But you can’t only find your happiness in me. That has the potential for disaster. You need to find it somewhere else too.”

He’s silent for a moment, the weight of my words heavy in the room.

“I know you’re right, and I called them today after you left. They’re going to get back to me early next week.”

“That’s good that you did but I had no right to push you, and if it’s not what you want then that’s okay. We can figure something else out.”

His hands keep running through my hair, and my eyes succumb to their need to close.

“It is what I want, but I think I’m afraid to want too many things. The more I hold on to, the more things that make me happy, the more I have to lose.” He squeezes me tighter and whispers, “I think I’m broken.”

I kiss his chest. “Well then we can be broken together. But for what it’s worth, I don’t think either of us are broken. You said it yourself, I’m not damaged and I'm saying, neither are you. We’re human. It’s okay to be scared, Jay.”

“I’m meant to be the one who takes care of you,” he muses.

“You do but we’re meant to take care of each other. That’s how this boyfriend thing works.”

He hums before adding. “We’ve got to get better at talking about things. Not that I don’t enjoy working them out with our bodies, but I want us to work, Caiden. So, more talking. Deal?”

“Deal.”

He kisses the top of my head. “For the record, you’re super sexy when you’re angry and bossy.”

I punch him playfully in the side and he tackles me so I’m underneath him, being squashed into the sofa by his heavy body. When his lips slant over mine, I sigh and melt further into the fabric, letting him do as he pleases with my body. We do talk. Between eating takeout and fooling around, we talk and we laugh and we learn about each other, inside and out until we’re both sated, happy and exhausted.

This thing between us is exciting. Scary, confusing, incredible, delightful and exciting and it’s ours. All ours.