Chapter 15
EJ
He was shaken and frustrated when he left Savannah's house that night.
He walked down the sidewalk, staring at the concrete beneath his feet.
His heart was beating a thousand miles a minute because of how difficult it had been to keep his hands off that woman.
She wanted him to do it. He knew she wanted a kiss to happen.
He could see it in her eyes. He could tell by the way she looked at him.
And he couldn’t let himself do it.
He wanted to, and she wanted him to, and yet he walked away.
It was because he wanted more.
EJ found that he could no longer settle for casually kissing Savannah and then pretending they never wanted to see each other again.
The more he talked to her, the more he realized he never wanted to leave her.
He wanted to see her again, every day of his life.
He wasn't willing to settle for what they'd been doing.
He wanted to kiss her, but she didn't want it to mean anything, and that just couldn't fly anymore.
He was weak, and he wanted her, but he made himself leave without doing it.
He told her goodnight, and that was that.
He felt sick to his stomach, and he decided to go for a jog and then take a cool shower when he got back. He shook his head, remembering what time it was, and told himself that taking a jog might not be the best idea since he would have a long day of travel and work tomorrow.
He got into the Tahoe, and the instant he tossed his phone into the console, it vibrated with an incoming call. One glance at it told him it was Savannah.
"Hey, you okay?" he asked, picking up.
"Yeah, hey, I wanted to say something."
"Okay."
"I-I'm not scared of dying on my trip, and I don't think I will or anything, but all I'm saying is that I—EJ are you there?"
"Yes."
"Okay, well, I just wanted to say that, hypothetically, if I were to die before the next time I see you…
not that I think I will… I'm not feeling morbid or anything.
But let's just say that… I was thinking that if this was the last time we would ever see each other, then (a sigh) then I would regret that goodbye we just did, EJ.
I wish we had said goodbye better just now. "
Her voice was light and vulnerable, and EJ wanted her so badly he felt like he was about to explode. His hand was absentmindedly on his steering wheel, and he caught himself gripping it tightly. His heart was racing.
"Are you there?" she said.
"Yea-" He paused and cleared his throat. "Yeah, I'm here. I was, uh, thinking about that… sort of thinking the same thing." He put his hand on the door handle, knowing he was going back inside.
"Then, can you please come back up here for a second. I know you have to leave. I know you have to be getting to bed. And I'm sorry. I'll come to you if you want. I'm desperate enough to say 'old time's sake' right now." Her voice was tender, and his heart felt crushed.
He hesitated before getting out. "Savannah, the only reason I didn't do it already is because I want more than that.
I'm not going to be able to stop at that 'old time's sake' stuff.
That's about just having a moment and then saying goodbye and pretending we don't want to do it again.
I don't want to do that anymore. I'm not able to say a casual goodbye after that. I don't want to say goodbye to you."
"What do you mean by that?" she asked. "Tonight, or ever?"
"I don't know. Both."
There was a pause.
EJ had no idea what she would say next.
"I don't know what I can promise," she said. Her voice. It was so soft and hesitant that he knew she was wrestling with her own walls and boundaries. "But all I know is please don't leave yet, EJ. I feel bad that you're not up here right now. Please, can I see you one more time tonight?"
Her voice. EJ's heart was humming. He had no other choice but to go to her. She called to him, and he wanted to go, and anything that had been stopping him just faded into the background and became nothing.
He left the vehicle. She was aching, he could hear it in her voice. In that moment, he didn't care what she could promise him. He was willing to settle for whatever she would give him.
EJ went back the way he came, only this time moving faster. He walked up the sidewalk and then the path to her house with long, quick strides. He went to the side entrance and up the stairs to the third floor.
She had the door open by the time he got to the landing. She stared at him with those big brown eyes, looking lost and hopeful at the same time.
"Can you hold me?" she asked. Her voice came out sounding choked, and EJ moved forward instantly, crossing the threshold and taking her into his arms. A rush of relief hit him when he took hold of her.
She held onto him, letting her body latch onto his, form to his.
She tucked her head into his chest and held onto him with a type of gentle firmness that felt like more than a hug.
It was like cool wind, the feeling of bliss in his bloodstream.
He held her back, only vaguely aware that the door had closed behind them.
"I just want to be next to you," she said.
"I know," he agreed, since that was an understatement. "Come here. Come sit beside me."
EJ pulled her to the couch.
And you know what? Who needed sleep. EJ knew he would sit on that couch with her until he needed to leave for his flight. He could always get an hour or two of sleep on the flight.
He kicked off his shoes and relaxed into the corner of her couch.
"What are you doing?" she asked, looking so happy.
"Come here, I thought you said you wanted me to hold you."
Savannah gave him the most beautiful relieved smile, letting her shoulders slump as she collapsed next to him.
He had been with her for going on three days, and he hadn't allowed himself to touch her, to hold her.
EJ pulled her into his arms with such raw power that it felt like she weighed two pounds.
"Thank you," she said quietly.
She didn't say anything else.
They just stayed there next to each other, Savannah curled up to his side.
She shook a little, and he was keenly aware of how very relieved she was to have him there.
She just quietly held onto him. It was what she needed from him.
She didn’t try to kiss him or even look at him.
She just held onto him intently. They didn't speak a word to each other, and within fifteen minutes, her grip loosened, and she fell asleep.
EJ could've slipped away and told her goodnight. He probably should've done that. But he didn't. He wanted to lie there and hold Savannah, and that was what he did. He let himself fall asleep next to her and woke up to the alarm on his watch, which went off at 5am.
He slipped out of her grasp, and she woke up, opening her eyes sleepily, blinking. He stayed stooped next to the couch. He kissed her cheek and spoke quietly close to her ear. "You can go back to sleep, my love. I have to go catch my flight."
"I love you," she said sleepily.
"I love you, too," he said without hesitating.
He kissed her temple, and her eyes were closed when he pulled away and stood up.
EJ slipped out of her house quietly.
His heart was racing as a result of saying those words.
But she was sleeping.
She was probably dreaming.
She most likely hadn't even realized what she said. There was no way she meant it.
EJ's heart was racing because he was fully aware. He knew what he was saying, and he did mean it. That was scary and crazy, and the feelings of it all were only exacerbated by the fact that he was sleep deprived.
EJ had to go to his hotel, get his things, and check out before going to the airport.
He did some work on the plane, but things were waiting for him when he landed and made it to the gym.
His day got busy instantly. He thought of Savannah all the time, but tasks needed his attention, so he didn't let thoughts of her consume him.
She would be overseas for the next eight days.
He had to go on with his life during that time.
She knew how he felt. She would, no doubt, have established some feelings about it by the time she got back to the States.
But he thought about her a lot. She crossed his mind constantly between all of his tasks. He had so many questions, and the main one was, had she been awake when she told him she loved him? He wasn't going to ask her. He hoped she knew what she was saying, so he would assume that was the case.
EJ got an email from her three days later. She sent it to his work address.
The subject was 'hello from Italy', and EJ could hardly get a breath of air into his lungs as he opened it and began to read.
Hey EJ! I was thinking about you and wanted to write.
Things are good here. Gabe works all day, and I do fun things that his business partners recommend.
I've had a few really tasty meals. We're staying at a beautiful vineyard, so I don't need to leave to eat or be entertained, but I've been into the city twice.
I'm having fun, and I don't mind doing things by myself.
I wanted to thank you for staying with me the other night.
I know you were headed out when I begged you to stay.
You were there when I fell asleep, and I wanted to thank you for that.
It was a late night for you, and I hope you got enough rest to function the next day.
I was so glad you stayed, though. Thanks again!
How are things at the gym? I was thinking about stopping by Chicago later this summer for your triathlon.
I know it's not till later in June, but I just wanted to drop a hint to you that I'd like to go in case we can make it happen.
Hugs and ciao from Italy, Savannah