Chapter 17
The bad eight-year relationship with Christian had changed and distorted my perception of love.
I had myself truly believing that I would never love anyone again.
But the more I got to know EJ, the more I loved him.
It was uncontrollable. He knew about my walls, but he didn't know they were crumbling.
I emailed him quite a bit from Italy, and we wrote about deep stuff.
We discussed God and morals, and different life paths any given person could take.
We were honest and direct in our correspondence, but we never said anything about being together.
I came away from that trip feeling like I was in love with EJ, though. I didn't know where that feeling would land me, but I knew I was capable of love again when I didn't think I would ever be.
I had told him I loved him the day I left.
I was in a daze and feeling half asleep, but I remembered saying it to him.
The best part was that he had said it back.
I knew he was just being nice and it was a fluke, but I held onto that memory when I was emailing him from Italy, and I eventually realized those feelings were true.
Still, I had no idea how things would transpire between us once I finally saw EJ again. I knew he was coming to see me the Friday after I returned, but we hadn't discussed the ins and outs of our relationship.
I texted him once I got back to the States.
We traded emailing for texting, and our correspondence grew shorter but a lot more frequent.
We sent each other quite a few texts every day.
I had been back in Pittsburgh for a few days, and I texted him during all of that time.
We never called, but we corresponded quite a bit in writing.
I didn't know what would ultimately happen between us, but I knew I was opening myself to him in ways I didn't think I would.
I never told Gabe about it. I had enough alone time that I corresponded with EJ when he would never notice.
He was oblivious. Gabe was wrong about warning me about EJ, anyway.
He wasn't just any man. Sure, he was a gorgeous hunk, a perfect amazing specimen of a man, but that wouldn't have been enough.
The difference was God. Somehow, the fact that God was involved made me go from unable to see a future with any man to open to it.
I knew I wouldn’t tell EJ about my feelings right away, and I knew that when I did tell him, there was a chance that his feelings about me would change.
I knew he might only like me because I said we could never be together.
I experienced fears and conflicting thoughts about talking to him.
Only time would tell how things would play out between us.
It had been two weeks since I had seen EJ, and it felt more like an eternity. I absolutely could not wait to see him again. I knew this one would be a short trip and that he would have to turn right around and go back the following day. That would only give us a few hours together.
Sunday was his mom's birthday, and he needed to be back in Chicago that morning for lunch with his family.
He had mentioned it to me and said I should come, so I knew I was invited, but there was just no way.
I had to work on Saturday and Monday, so there was no time.
I usually had Mondays off, and if that were the case, I would've tried to make the trip to Chicago with him.
I was still playing catch-up from my trip, and I had five hours booked this Monday.
It would be the end of my scrambling, though, and after next week, my schedule would go back to normal.
I would only have a few hours with EJ this weekend, but I would take anything I could get, and I was thankful to him for coming over here again.
Seven hours was nothing to shake a stick at.
I had looked at photos and videos of him while we were apart, and was desperate and all worked up to see him again. I hadn't come out and said that to him, though. We had been talking about life, but not about our specific feelings for each other.
The hours leading up to EJ's arrival that Friday were so full of anticipation that I hardly realized how much pain I was in.
My neck had gotten a crick during the last part of my Italy trip, and it still hadn't gone back to normal.
I was physically exhausted from the trip and work, and my neck had been killing me for days.
Today had been a little better, and it wasn't because I was healed.
My neck still radiated painful shockwaves when I moved it one certain way.
I felt better because I was distracted by what seemed like an unreasonable amount of anticipation about EJ coming to Pittsburgh.
I was so nervous and had so many butterflies that I hardly ate that day.
I knew he was coming at 8pm, and it was ten till when I wrapped up my last haircut.
We had already talked about it, and EJ said he would wait on his haircut since he thought I would be tired.
He was correct, but I was so excited to see him that I hardly felt the exhaustion and would have been willing to do it.
I left my clippers out just in case. I cleaned for a minute, and then I walked to the window.
My heart skipped a beat when I saw EJ. How was it possible that he could make jeans and a black shirt look like that? His athletic, masculine body was making my heart pound in my chest, and there he was, on the sidewalk in front of my house. He didn't see me. He was looking at something else.
"Nico," I whispered to myself when I moved and caught sight of the two guys converging on the path between the street and my front stoop.
Nico liked to be outside, so it didn't surprise me to see him out there.
He was dressed up, and it looked like he was heading somewhere.
I almost ran out there to intervene, but I watched from where I was.
EJ smiled and spoke to Nico, and I had no idea how I had landed myself in a scenario where this man was showing up after work to meet me.
This was the same guy who played for the Cubs, and also the one I had been writing to every day.
It was difficult to reconcile all those things into one blistering hot package.
EJ smiled and pointed to something on Nico's collar, and Nico touched it.
He had a couple of lapel pins from college that he was proud of and would talk about with anyone who would ask.
One was for perfect attendance, and the other was from a special math club.
I watched as he smiled and spoke to EJ about them.
There was an exchange, but I couldn't hear any of it.
It was Alice's day to pick the music. She had left about an hour before, but her selection was still playing.
It was a soulful, bassy song from the nineties, maybe Lauren Hill.
I couldn't remember the name of it, but it was familiar, and it was turned up loud enough that it felt like a soundtrack as I watched the encounter with EJ and Nico.
EJ pointed to the salon and made his way around Nico.
Nico turned and watched him walk away, and I kept my eyes trained on EJ until I realized he was approaching the front porch.
I jogged toward the front door, hopping like a ballerina and only slowing once I got far enough into the foyer that I thought he might see me.
The front door was glass, and I went toward it wearing a look of happy anticipation as I tried to spot him.
And there he was. He appeared on my porch, smiling when he saw me.
Those teeth. The dark hair and eyes with the white teeth and black shirt—EJ was quite the package.
I was transported to the feeling I got when I was a kid and he would show up every morning at my house.
I got the oddest sort of nostalgic feeling that made me forget to breathe for a second.
EJ came inside smiling, and the next thing I knew, his arms were around me.
It was a normal hug. There was nothing out of the ordinary.
It was only a simple greeting. But I felt a gut-wrenching sense of relief in those seconds as we embraced.
I pulled back, smiling at him and stifling the urge to cry.
It was overwhelming having him there next to me.
"I feel like I've talked to you so much and I haven't seen you in so long," I said, stepping back nervously. I had on jean capris, and I absentmindedly stuck my hands in my back pockets.
He let out a little laugh. "That's because you have talked to me so much and you haven't seen me. It's been a minute."
"Too long," I agreed.
He smelled faintly of cologne, and my knees were weak in his presence.
"I see you got to catch up with Nico," I said. "I guess you got to see the perfect attendance pin."
"Don't forget he was vice president of the mathletes."
"I won't," I said, shaking my head and smiling at him. His voice. It was warm and perfect in my ears. I had missed it.
"What?" he said.
"Why'd you ask that?" I said.
"Because you made a face."
"I missed your voice. I was, uh, just trying to think when the last time I talked to you was. When was the last time I heard you talk?"
"I guess it was a couple of weeks ago. Before Italy," he said.
In that moment, I knew 'I love you' had been the last words I'd heard him say. The thought of hearing him say that made me breathless.
I went around the front desk and adjusted the volume on the stereo, turning it down. "Do you want a haircut? Because I still have everything out."
"No, I mean I do, but let's skip it. I bet you're tired, anyway. I can wait. Before I started coming here, I used to go a few months."
He ran his hand through his hair, and he was so appealing and beautiful that I wanted to reach out and touch him. My hairdresser instincts kicked in, and I reached up, putting my hand into his hair with authority, and steering it around.
"It looks great, actually."
"Yeah, I don't think I need a haircut. You wanna just hang out? Maybe go see a movie or something?"
"Oh, I don't think I could sit through a movie with my neck."
"What happened to your neck?" His expression and tone were concerned, and I gave him a reassuring smile as I touched my neck.
"Oh, nothing, I’m just still getting over that crick."
He gawked at me. "The one you got in Italy?"
"Yeah, it was at the end of my trip, so it's only been… I don't know… four or five days."
"That's a long time," he said, still looking concerned.
"Oh, no, it's fine. I've had them take this long before. It feels better today." I smiled shyly at him. "I was excited about you coming. I still am. My neck is way better than it was. I was just imagining going to a theater, and I thought it may not be the best choice."
"Let's get some food and stay in," he said.
"I haven't been by my room, but I already called and checked in.
We could go there if you don't feel like being at home. Or we can just walk upstairs. I’m not trying to say this just to touch you or anything, although that would be…
I'm saying this because it's true. I could probably really help you with a massage if you want me to.
I've had enough spine and neck manipulation over the years that I…
I wouldn't promise I could help, but I do know for sure that I wouldn't hurt you.
And there's a chance that I could help."
I smiled at him. "Hanging out with you upstairs with even the slight chance of a helpful neck rub sounds like the most perfect evening I could imagine."