Chapter Six
CHAPTER SIX
JOEL
M y alarm went off at five, while everything was dark and quiet. In an hour, the sun would come up and the city would suddenly be alive. This hour was my time. I walked out barefoot onto my balcony in my favorite lightweight sweats and old Save Ferris t-shirt to stretch and do some of the meditation Dr. Adams had suggested. I wasn’t sold on deep breathing and visualizing, but was grateful I had found a psychologist I liked. He was sincerely interested in helping me through my rock bottom.
I began my daily ritual of unrolling my yoga mat and placing it on the hard cement. Making sure I was ramrod straight, I closed my eyes and started my pattern of ten deep breaths, counting to six with each inhale and exhale. Mentally, I checked in with my body and noticed stress in my neck. Rolling my shoulders backward and forward a few times, I was able to relieve the tension and went back to putting my attention on my breathing.
My focus got completely interrupted more than once by Natalie’s face. In the two years I had worked the weekend shift at Island Water Sports, I had never once been immediately intrigued by a guest. When I’d introduced myself and called everybody down to the waterline to pick kayaks, I kept waiting for her boyfriend, husband, travel companion, to join her. I hoped my complete surprise when she admitted to being there alone didn’t come across awkwardly. It only made me want to know her more—who travels alone to Hawaii?
A chuckle escaped my lips when I recalled her trying to paddle. It was charming watching her think she’d steered us in any direction, but she’d handled it well when I called her out on it. She’d even sassed me a little, which was an unexpected surprise.
I tried to exhale again and count to six to clear my mind. It was not working. Rolling up my mat, I went inside and changed into running shorts and a Honolulu Marathon Finisher t-shirt from last year’s race, laced up, and headed down to the street. My apartment building was one block from my favorite route, starting at Sans Souci State Recreational Park. Once I turned onto the path, I followed it east to Diamond Head Beach Park for fifteen minutes, then turned around and looped back home.
Pound.
Pound.
Pound.
I checked my surroundings and noted a few surfers carrying boards down to Kapiolani Beach. Another lone runner made their way ahead of me. The sun was just shining over the horizon, illuminating the Monday yoga group as they laid out their mats on the grass at Sans Souci.
Pound.
Pound.
Pound.
My body switched to autopilot, and I replayed the weekend in my mind. I hadn’t intended to ask her out when I sat by her on the beach. There hadn’t been a plan. I had finished some paperwork in the office and grabbed a banana to eat on the beach before my next group. And there she was, laying out in the sun without a care in the world. Before I could stop myself, I was sitting down next to her, wanting to feel that same relaxed vibe. She was fiery and quick to defend herself as we spoke. Making her laugh was the icing on the cake.
But then at dinner she’d made some comment about her looks. Did she not realize how beautiful she was? And in such an effortless way. The way she wore her mid-length chestnut hair simply. Minimal makeup despite her designer clothes. Labels weren’t something I knew much about, but she definitely didn’t wear anything I saw in the major department stores I infrequently visited for work clothes.
And then there was the way her hips swayed when she walked, like she owned the place. I hadn’t paid this much attention to a woman in years. But she made it so easy. She felt familiar. But also left me wanting more.
Pound.
Pound.
Pound.
The morning was already humid, and I was sweating more than usual when I turned around at Diamond Head Beach. I didn’t know how I got there already, I was so lost in my head. Running usually cleared it, but I didn’t think anything would do that today. I looked at my watch and noted it was just after six. What time would Natalie be getting up? What was she going to do today?
Don’t do that . I shook my head to myself as I ran. She was a tourist. You probably won’t even see her again, I reminded myself. I focused on the week ahead. It was going to be busy. Luckily, I’d been able to squeeze in Dr. Adams to get a few more stress relief techniques to make it through.
Pound.
Pound.
Pound.
I shifted my breathing from my mouth to my nose and focused on that the rest of the way back. It had only been twenty minutes, but the city was awake. People were out walking. I passed a young couple holding hands as they rollerbladed, and a kid on a longboard skated by with a bass guitar strapped to his back. I looked over and saw the yoga group in Warrior 1. Did Natalie do yo?—
Stop .
When I reached Queens Beach, I stopped a minute before turning up Kapahulu Avenue to my place. Pausing my watch’s timer, I turned to look at the waves. My shoulder ached a little, and I worked into a stretch across my body. A stupid grin crossed my face. Of course it hurt. I pulled it weirdly when I jumped off the waterfall holding Natalie’s hand.
My mind began lazily replaying the afternoon at the resort. I had never kissed somebody I barely knew, but she pouted her lips just right, and I’d wanted to taste them. That stupid bee ruined everything.
My phone chimed, alerting me of an email, and I took that as my cue to head home. I walked the block to my building. Half an hour later, I was showered, dressed, and logged into our weekly Monday Zoom meeting with my selling district. As my boss went over sales numbers, monthly goals, and reminders from headquarters, my hand reached out for my phone more than once. I wanted to send Natalie a text and make sure she was okay after her bee sting. I had no idea what was being discussed on my iPad while I mentally debated what to tap out.
Would that look weird if I sent a text? I planned to focus this morning on clinics in town and then I needed to go north today and see a few of those offices. Would she even want to see me after I just left the way I did? We could meet by her resort . . .
“Does that sound good, Joel?”
I cleared my throat. What had my boss just asked me? It felt like his question warranted a positive response. “Yes, sir.”
“Okay, great. I’ll plan on that.”
I opened a text thread shared by a few of the sales reps and quickly asked what I just agreed to. One of the guys replied right away, and I sighed in relief. Nothing big. I’d just have to mentor the new guy who was coming on board. That could wait until this week was over.
The meeting ended, and I grabbed a few snacks, filled my Stanley mug with ice and water, and headed out the door. Once in the driver’s seat, I pulled up the provider list on the iPad and scanned which clinics would make the most direct route through the city. I had done this enough times to know, but I was feeling the weekend withdrawal bad.
My boss had told me on more than one occasion he appreciated I hit the ground running on Mondays. Most of the other pharmaceutical reps on our team muddled through the day and then found their groove for the rest of the week by Tuesday. They were all good guys; they had families or girlfriends and their weekends were busy. And fun. I spent my weekends alone—other than leading kayaking tours—and so I was usually ready to get back into the swing of things on Monday.
Not this Monday. This one left me aching for a redo.
The morning went without incident, and I had one more clinic left in town before I could head north. The only reason I hadn’t hopped on the Kamehameha Highway yet was I knew that particular doctor needed samples of my product and would be grateful I stopped by. When I got to his building, there were ten minutes before the clinic’s lunch break was over, so I parked in the lot and jogged across the street to grab a slice of pizza from a little mom and pop shop.
I knew exactly who would appreciate this place . . . Natalie. I had held o1 texting her all day. She’d just spent all weekend hanging out with me, which was not on her agenda. I needed to leave her alone. What were the rules of dating these days? Dating. I shook my head. That wasn’t what this was. It couldn’t be dating if she was just visiting the island, but I also found I wanted to know absolutely everything about her. Did she have a favorite book? What pizza topping was her favorite? Was she a morning person or a night person? These thoughts scared me to death. I’d sworn all of this o! years ago.
As I worked through my self-talk, again, and ate my slice of generously sized combo pizza, something so simple dawned on me, I wanted to smack myself on the forehead: I was lonely. I think I knew it deep in the recesses of my mind, but I hadn’t ever really landed on it as an absolute truth. Or maybe I hadn’t let myself dwell on it too long if I did recognize it before because that’s a dark road to go down.
I had been so caught up in my routine since moving here that I hadn’t made friends outside of the guys from work. And while we got along fine, they lived on the other islands and had their own lives. They didn’t need a single guy glomming onto them, coming for a visit over the weekend.
But then I got a dose of socializing with a charming, beautiful woman, and suddenly became co-dependent. That was probably an extremely attractive look on me.
I wiped the crumbs o! my hands and rolled up my sleeves to my elbows, fighting a hot, breezeless July afternoon. A sip of water, pop some gum, grab my iPad, and I was ready to see the doctor. Hopefully, I would be in and out in about ten minutes if he was available.
The front desk receptionist motioned me back past the door as the lobby began to fill up with the next appointments. I made my way toward Dr. Blackner’s office and knocked on his open door. He looked up and smiled. We greeted one another, then I launched into my company’s spiel on the product, asking if he had any questions and what kind of results he had seen with patients who used our drug. He responded in quick-fire, rapid fashion, and within two minutes, he’d signed for samples and wished me a good afternoon as he got ready to treat more people.
Ahh, the life of the pharma rep.
I was feeling back in the work game, and Monday turned itself around as I pushed open the door to the lobby. My eyes happened to scan the room, and I saw her. No. No, it wasn’t her, right? She’s having a fun vacation, not sitting in an urgent care.
Nope. It was definitely her. Natalie didn’t see me yet, hunched over a clipboard filling out intake paperwork, but my day got a lot more interesting.