Chapter Sixteen
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
NATALIE
W e walked hand in hand up to the sprawling modern ranch at the end of the road. The home sat on a large lot with tiki torches directing guests to the open side yard and around to the back. The back of the home faced the beach, waves rolling gently against the coral at the water’s edge. My eyes followed the glowing patio lights strung from the roofline between the home’s two enclosed breezeways, to the palm trees butted up against the rock wall, illuminating the long dark wood table that ran parallel between the house and beach. In place of chairs, two long benches sat on either side. A runner of monstera leaves coursed down the center of the table, with small floral centerpieces of birds of paradise and purple plumeria flowers placed strategically between glass hurricane candle holders whose pillar candles were already lit. Each place setting had white plates rimmed in gold, with a cream cloth napkin weighted down by a gold ring.
With the sun beginning to set, it was breathtaking how simple and elegant everything looked. For a moment, my heart sunk, wondering how everything would have looked for my wedding. It was clear Lea had spent hundreds of hours picking out each perfect detail for tonight and tomorrow.
Laughter chimed over the delicate ukulele music that wafted from an outdoor sound system tucked under the eaves of the house. The nerves I felt heading toward Joel’s friends rivaled any I’d ever had going into board meetings or to important work events. Joel gave my hand three light squeezes and led me across the lawn to the group that had gathered on the patio.
All eyes were on a tall, toned blond in khakis and a mint short sleeve button up with a white bow tie who was doing the robot and telling some wild story. We stood on the outskirts behind everybody and watched. A woman with a blonde, high-teased ponytail swooped up next to him when the story came to an end and kissed him hard on the lips to the cheers of everybody.
“It’s almost my wedding! Woohoo!” she squealed, raising a glass high, her drink sloshing over the sides. “Oh! My dress!” She inspected her flowy, strapless blush maxi dress before deeming it okay and spun around, noticing Joel. “You guys made it!”
“Hi, Lea.” Joel moved in and kissed her on the cheek. “How was the snorkeling?”
“That place was really good. We saw all kinds of fish and an eel and a few turtles!” She bounced around energetically as she spoke. “Hi! You must be Joel’s girlfriend! I’m Lea, the bride,” she said and held out her hand.
I shook it and corrected her. “I’m Natalie. What a beautiful home you guys are staying in.”
“Right? It is a-maz-ing.” She enunciated each syllable and took a long drink from her flute. “Ben, Ben, come here. Joel and Natalie are here!”
The entertaining robot turned from his conversation and greeted Joel with a quick hug and gave me a peck on the cheek. After an unexpected warm welcome, Ben rounded up the other guests and gestured toward the table for us to find our places and take a seat.
Joel and I settled in front of our name cards, close to the bride and groom. I turned to him as caterers emerged from the house bringing out the first course. As smaller plates were placed on our existing plates, I bit my cheeks to stifle a laugh.
A single crab cake on a salad garnish.
I leaned my body against Joel and turned my head toward the ocean so nobody could overhear as I whispered into his ear. “This appetizer is going to make me absolutely stuffed. Would it be rude if I asked them not to bring me the main course?”
His body jerked forward in response, and he coughed back a laugh.
Flipping back around, I pretended to pat his back and help him clear his airway while he assured those close by he was okay. His eyes watered, and he reached under the table, placing his hand on my thigh. “Seriously. Do you know how much I like you?”
I gave him a knowing side-eye with pursed lips and turned my attention to Lea, asking her about herself like nothing had ever happened.
Dinner continued with the feel of being amongst old friends. Joel’s former colleagues included me in conversations and shared stories from their years together in Arizona. The wives were friendly toward me, including me in their established circle. Our appetizer plate was replaced by the single chicken and pineapple kabob, deemed a culinary masterpiece, and everybody raved about the famed local chef who put the dinner together. At that, Joel gave me a smirk, and I was silently grateful for my pre-dinner burger.
The tiramisu was worth waiting for and then evening began to wind down. Ben stood at the head of the table and brought a knife to his glass, clinking to get everybody’s attention. His personality commanded a room. It almost reminded me of Dane, except there was no pretension about him.
“I’d like to thank everybody who traveled here to join us for this event. Our families are excited to be at the ceremony tomorrow, but knew we wanted to have one last hurrah with friends tonight. I don’t know if you all know this, but it was a string of events that led me to Lea” —he glanced lovingly down at his fiancé who blew a kiss his way—“and it began with my car not starting. I was going to go to my usual kickboxing class, and my engine wouldn’t turn over. I was living in the same apartment complex as Joel at the time, and he came out and . . .”
Next to me, Joel tensed. Ben lowered his glass slowly, realizing he had made a mistake. His voice lowered, and he looked at Joel.
“No, you weren’t home, were you?”
“No, I was still in the field for the day,” he said quietly. “That was Lottie.”
“Man, I’m sorry. I won’t?—”
“Please, I want to hear this. I don’t think I knew how that led you to Lea,” Joel replied.
With less vigor and a trace of reverence, Ben cleared his throat and continued. “I had gone to Joel’s to see if he could help me, we all know cars aren’t my thing”—a few of the guests offered small chuckles—“and he was gone, but Lottie was there. She was one of those people who could fix anything, and she followed me to my car, sat in the driver’s seat, tried to start the engine and burst out laughing.
“In my rush to get to kickboxing, I had put my car in reverse before turning it on. She never would have let me live it down. And actually, I’m grateful for my stupidity because now that I’m thinking about it, that was the last time I saw her before . . .” The air stilled. The guy on the other side of Joel put an arm around Joel’s shoulders, while others hung their heads slightly, thinking about Ben’s words. After a beat, Ben cleared his throat and finished.
“Anyway, I ended up missing kickboxing but tried a spin class. Got hooked. Two months later, Lea subbed the class, and when she walked in, I picked the bike right in her eyeline, watching her the whole time. I’d never seen a more beautiful woman. I was too afraid to talk to her, so I stayed for the next two classes trying to work up the nerve, and thought I would never be able to walk again. She took pity on me and let me ask her out. The rest is history. And while I’ve never taken her spin class again, I got the best woman in the world to spend the rest of my life with.”
The mood picked up once Ben leaned down to kiss Lea and everybody cheered. When it was clear the speech was done, people got up from the table, milling their way to the inside of the house. Joel hung back, and a look of conflict crossed his face. I grabbed Ben and Lea before they could head inside.
“Thank you so much for letting me be a part of your evening,” I said. “Unfortunately, I’m starting a migraine and probably need to go and let it work itself out.”
Lea’s lips turned down at the mention of my ailment. “Don’t go anywhere. I have just the thing.”
She bounced into the house, ponytail flapping back and forth, emerging a minute later with a small bottle of an essential oil. Flipping it upside down, she swiped the drop across my forehead with her index finger. “There! You will feel much better in thirty minutes. Are you sure you don’t want to lie down in one of the extra rooms?”
I stole a glance at Joel but couldn’t read his face. Maybe he didn’t want to leave, although the crease in his forehead was still deep. “Oh, I don’t want to be a damper on your evening. You guys have a great time and we will see you for the big day tomorrow.”
She wished us a safe drive, and we walked around the yard back down the road to the car.
Once alone, I looped my arm through Joel’s. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, actually I am.” He sounded like he meant it and looked better than a few minutes before.
We stopped in front of his car, and he opened my door. “Are you glad you went?” I watched him closely, not climbing in.
“We didn’t need first-dinner before we got here,” he joked, but the smile didn’t reach his eyes.
“Joel . . .” I tipped my head to the side.
He pulled me into a tight hug and let out an exhale. “I am glad we went. It was only a matter of time before Lottie got brought up, and at least it happened tonight, and hey, I survived it.”
I wrapped my arms around him and breathed in his scent.
“Did it hurt as much as you thought it would?”
He pulled back and nodded to the open door. “Climb in.”
We drove in silence. That preoccupied look I hadn’t seen on Joel’s face in a few days was back. I left him to his thoughts while we rode back toward the resort. Before rounding the last bend that would have brought the long palm tree-lined entrance into view, he pulled over at the empty public beach access. I looked over at Joel, and he responded with an impish smile. We got out, walked the short path from the car to the beach, and he picked a spot, sitting down and patting the sand next to him.
I lowered myself, tucking my feet under me, and smoothed out my dress, waiting for him to say something. The full moon illuminated the area around us, and down the beach I could see the lights from bungalows at the resort. Stars littered the sky, and the night had miraculously cooled but wasn’t chilly. Joel wrapped his arms around his knees and opened his mouth twice before speaking.
“I’m not sure how to start this, but I’m struggling here.” He ran a hand over his face.
“You don’t have to talk about anything if you don’t want to. I shouldn’t have asked,” I ventured.
He looked at me, and I could see the internal fight in his tired eyes. Then his expression softened. “It’s just that. You can always ask me anything. And there is something we have to talk about.” The air got heavy with his vague reply.
“I want you to know you can also ask me anything or say whatever you want to say to me. I won’t judge, I promise.” I hoped he knew I meant it.
He nodded once. “Nat, I knew Lottie for almost four years before she died. We were supposed to be together forever, you know? Nobody plans on being widowed before they’re thirty.” I inched over as close as I could and placed my hand on his forearm while he continued. “I have spent the last few years just surviving. A week ago, I came to this beach to surf and sat on my board out there”—he pointed ahead into the darkness—“and told the universe I was going to at least try to start living again. Maybe even be a little more outgoing, take a chance, you know—all that stuff Dr. Adams has said would be good for me.” He gave me a shy grin.
“The next day, you got in my kayak.”
Goosebumps ran up the length of my arms. My chest felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. Finding my voice, I whispered, “That darn universe.”
“So all week when we’ve been spending time together, I’ve been struggling with this idea of moving on, but not forgetting Lottie.” His voice shook. “Then tonight, seeing my old friends again who knew her, knew us as a couple, and having you there with me. . . .”
I let Joel collect the rest of his thoughts. My attention turned downward as I quietly traced in the sand.
“When you asked me earlier if it hurt to have Lottie brought up in front of everybody? It didn’t. It made me feel worse that I didn’t feel . . . sad. I mean, I’ll probably always be sad, but I didn’t go to my dark place. I was happy she was included in the memory and that Ben felt comfortable enough to finish the story, but I didn’t feel the need to run away and mourn.”
I thought about that a moment. “I’m sorry I took you from the party. I thought I was doing the right thing, but I should’ve asked you.”
Joel put his arm around me, and pulled us both onto our backs. He looped his hand through mine and traced a circle with his thumb. “Don’t apologize. It was fun to see everybody, but I’m ready to be here alone with you. I’ve missed you. It was weird going from spending most of our day together to not seeing one another.”
“So, then part of what you’re feeling right now ties back to the other night? To the thing you said that I didn’t respond to.” I wanted to finally have this discussion and hopefully set the record straight about my feelings since he had so freely shared his.
“Yeah.”
I narrowed my eyes at him. “You’re not going to make this easy for me, are you?”
He laughed. “Nope. I already said my piece, Red.”
“How do you know my thoughts won’t be disappointing?” I burrowed closer to him, enjoying the feel of him next to me, breathing in his familiar scent.
He kissed my temple and rubbed his hand down my arm.
“Because you bought two dresses and are lying next to me.”
“Mmmm, somebody is feeling good about himself.” I playfully poked his side. “You said you can’t fall in love with me. I am not worried because you won’t.” He tried to interrupt, but I stopped him by putting up my hand. “I leave in four days. You’re working through a lot of things you’re finally allowing yourself to process. The universe just happened to throw me your way and give you this chance to be free. To see what the next chapter could look like. I think you’re mistaking your awakening for the possibility of deeper feelings.”
“And that’s why you ignored me and let me walk away.” His voice had a hint of defeat to it.
“No. That wasn’t my !nest moment and I apologize.” I nudged forward and brushed my lips against his with a light kiss. “I’m also processing through some things in my life, and I was— and still am—afraid of what I am feeling for you.” With that, he raised his head up and looked at me. “Before you ask anything, I’m not done processing, but I will let you know, the feelings I have for you are nice ones. ”
Joel seemed satisfied with my answer, then his eyes lit up. “Can you answer one thing for me?”
I looked at him skeptically, slowly answering, “Yes.”
“That photo you sent me earlier today? What were you listening to? Are you, what do they call it, a Swiftie?”
That last part elicited a laugh. “No. I was listening to Brandi Carlile.”
“I’ve never heard of her,” he admitted.
“That’s a cardinal sin. Here”—I scooted out of his hold and pulled out my phone, scrolling to her latest album—“let’s fix that.”
Underneath a blanket of stars, the sweeping piano brilliance to the opening of “Right on Time” began, and after the first verse, Joel bumped my shoulder with his. “This isn’t ska.” I turned my head to look at him. “Not even remotely.”
He placed his hands behind his head and took a deep breath, a smile spreading across his entire face. “That’s okay. I like it, and if you love it, I’ll grow to love it.”