Letter to SA Christopher
Dear Riley,
I don’t know if I’m writing this because I expect to give it to you, or because I’m better on paper than in real life. (That’s supposed to be a joke, but you know what I mean.)
The main thing I want to tell you is I love you. I know you know that, and it’s probably not the main point now. (Although it still feels like the main point to me.)
I shouldn’t have turned your disappointment and frustration with the vacation situation into an ultimatum. I shouldn’t have turned your request for vacation time together into a situation. It was a reasonable request.
You’re right. I’m not good at taking time off.
It’s not that I think the office will crumble without me, though it might.
(That’s another joke, for the record). And you’re also right that it’s probably about control.
Partly. And maybe partly the job is tied to my understanding of who I am?
But mostly, I just enjoy working. Up until you came along, I probably enjoyed working more than anything else.
I got out of the habit of vacations. I got out of the habit of taking time off.
Work was my life and that was fine by me.
But if it is over between us, my biggest regret will be not spending more time with you.
I’m not good at expressing my feelings. I’m not good at feeling my feelings.
But I’m truly sorry for any pain I caused you.
I’m truly sorry I failed to put you first because, for me, you do come first. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone.
More than I thought I was capable of. For a long time, you’ve been the most important thing to me.
I don’t know why I didn’t try harder to show it.
Or maybe I do. But asking me to prove that our relationship was a priority was not asking for too much. It was probably the minimum.
Everything you said before is true for me as well. It’s hard to think about a future where you’re not in it.
I want you to know that I do believe having a relationship with you is more important than my job. And if I had to choose, I would choose you. No question. I should be telling you this in person, so I’ll stop here.
I love you.
Lucas