Chapter 51
Andrea: N is for Nudity
‘Hello my darlings! Here I am, back on video, gracing your television or phone or laptop or whatever it is you’re using. I haven’t done a little film for you for a while, and thought you might be missing my smiling face.
‘Lewis is here with me, partly to hold the camera and partly to make sure I’m a good girl and I take all the pills and potions the doctors have told me I need to take.
I’ve had a couple of overnight stays in the hospital, but nothing too stressful – in fact it gave me a nice rest, and I feel much better.
‘I hope you enjoyed your little trip to Dorset, and that it didn’t turn into a Magical Misery Tour.
Assuming, of course, that you managed to figure out those dratted clues!
I had a lot of fun doing that, and visiting the hut, and burying your treasure.
We’ve paid the rent on the hut for the rest of the summer, by the way, so feel free to visit again if the mood strikes you.
‘Lewis drove me down there for the day, fussing like the old woman he is all the way, obviously convinced I was going to kick the bucket somewhere on the M5!
But the bucket remained well and truly unkicked, and we had a lovely time.
He indulged me by listening to my stories about our holidays there, and even took me for lunch in that lovely little restaurant at Lulworth Cove. He does spoil me, much as I mock him.
‘I hope it brought back as many happy memories for you as it did for me – and although I always try and stay jolly for these little videos, girls, I must admit that it makes me terribly sad to think of not being there with you. Not being able to see you together again, on those beautiful beaches, enjoying those beautiful sunsets. I’d give anything to be there, to share it with you, to create a few more precious memories, but it’s not meant to be.
‘Anyway, I don’t want to get maudlin about things. Or, if I do, I certainly don’t want it captured for posterity – because that’s the thing about film, isn’t it? It simply never goes away, especially in the quite bonkers digital age you young people live in.
‘I discovered that quite recently, much to my amusement, which is why I decided to make N stand for Nudity. Now, as an actress in the Seventies, quite a lot of flesh was flashed – but I only did one nude scene. Please don’t recoil in horror, it was all very tasteful! Actually, it wasn’t … but hey ho!
‘I was playing a young girl who was suffering from amnesia after being attacked by a hammer-wielding lunatic at a funfair. She was lucky to survive, but couldn’t remember a thing about her life, even her own name.
She ends up in a kind of residential home that is a tiny bit like a loony bin, and every night, she sleepwalks, going back to places she knew, leaving a trail of clues for the handsome young doctor who is obsessed with solving her mystery …
I know, it sounds wonderful, doesn’t it?
‘Now, for some reason, the director thought it made perfect sense for our young heroine to go about her sleepwalking business absolutely starkers.
And for some even stranger reason, I agreed – what can I say, I was only nineteen, and quite pleased with my body, thank you very much.
So there I am – in my altogether – stalking hospital corridors and knocking on the doors of derelict buildings and even on one occasion riding a fairground carousel horse in a dream sequence!
‘It was very arty and low budget, and I genuinely never thought I’d see it again – until just recently, after mentioning this to Lewis, he managed to find a clip from it on YouTube!
Honestly, there are some strange people out there …
anyway, it is, of course, the dream sequence carousel scene, and I admit to both laughing and crying a little at seeing it again.
‘Laughing because it is so bloody funny – those Seventies art-house movies did tend to take themselves seriously – and crying because it was odd, seeing myself there, like that. So young and strong and fit and healthy, which is pretty much the opposite of how I feel these days.
‘But I promised not to be maudlin, so I won’t be. The link to the clip is on our account, so if it takes your fancy, feel free to look – if you can handle it!
‘Now, I’m being a little lazy here, but I couldn’t think of anything fabulous to do for the letter O – no rude jokes, please, Lewis, I can see that naughty schoolboy look on your face!
I’m a bit tired today, truth be told, and I think that perhaps you need to speedily move on to P – if, of course, you’ve decided to go in that direction.
‘So I’m going to keep O simple. O is for “Oh My God, Is That My Mother’s Bare Bottom Riding a Carousel Horse in a Dream Sequence?”
‘And the answer is yes – it most certainly is! Happy viewing, girls!’