Chapter 58
Andrea: S is for Sex
‘Let’s talk about sex, baby! Ha ha, remember when that song came out, girls, and I thought it was a bit rude? I used to make you sing “six” instead!
‘Well, you’re both a lot older now, and there’s no need to be embarrassed – though I secretly hope you are.
I’m feeling pretty poorly now, truth be told, and when I’m not woozy and drugged up to my eyeballs, I’m in pain.
It’s not pleasant, and anything that gives me a giggle – such as the thought of you two wincing while you watch this, wondering if I’ve left you a dog-eared copy of the Kama Sutra – is very welcome, thank you.
‘Poppy, thankfully you have never confided in me on affairs of the heart – or other body parts – but I suspect that you don’t live like Mother Teresa.
I’m not an idiot, I’ve seen the way you behave around men, you slattern!
So, well done you – just try and remember that there is more to a relationship than what fits where and how fast you move it.
Life would be a poor thing without love, and it’s never too late to find it, sweetheart.
‘Rose, you’re a different matter entirely. I know you had that disastrous online dating thing a few years ago, with the chap who said he was a detective inspector and turned out to be a lollipop man, but I don’t think you’ve had many escapades since.
‘This is a shame on many levels, as you are a woman in your prime – much as you like to pretend you’re some dried-up post-menopausal crone. Your forties are a wonderful time for your sex life – I shan’t go into details for fear of giving you a heart attack, but mine were splendid!
‘So – this is your mission, should you choose to accept it. I’d like to add that this message will self-destruct, but I fear that would be too much for even the resourceful Lewis to arrange.
Girls, go out on the pull – doll yourselves up, drink a few glasses of vino, and let the world know you exist!
‘I don’t know, at this stage, if you chose to go on a foreign adventure to seek out your father – or whether you found him, and how that went for you both.
Well, I hope – please think as kindly of him as you can.
He’s a flawed human being, but I have moved on from those old wounds, and hope that you can too.
Either way, I thought you might need cheering up – and what better way than a night on the town with a little gentle flirting thrown in for fun?
‘Happy hunting – and, as ever, much love, Mum.’