30. Sophie
THIRTY
SOPHIE
“I’m a fucking disaster,” I admit to Maya as we wander the aisles of yet another home goods store, looking for sturdier side lamps.
“I know, but this too shall pass,” she says absentmindedly as she picks up a dark blue lamp.
“I want to be in your state of mind right now.”
She looks up at me, mock pity on her face. “Honey, if you looked like me right now, that means you’d be sleeping with someone, and you’re not ready for that. You have made that pretty clear.”
She’s right, I’m not at all ready for that. I mean, if Saturday was any indication, I may actually be ready for that, but I’m also terrified. I don’t want to sleep around to ease this need bubbling away inside of me. “I don’t know…” I trail off.
“Foster?”
“He’s, I don’t know, nice, and…”
“I get it.”
“You do?”
“Sure I do. He’s nice and not bad on the eyes.” Not bad on the eyes seems like an insult to how gorgeous he is. “He’s the perfect rebound from snoozy Gregory.”
He’s the only rebound from Gregory.
“He makes me feel good.”
“Mentally, you mean?”
“Mentally…”
“Wait, did something happen?” I have her full attention now.
“No, we had this moment. Like if I’d stepped closer, something would have happened.”
“Did you want something to happen?” she questions in a low voice as another customer slips past us.
“Yes? No? Maybe?” God, yes.
“Classic trifecta of doubt. Do you think he wanted something to happen?” I think of how his face looked after I’d studied him in his bedroom. How he told me I wasn’t allowed to touch anything. His eyes on my lips after I’d finished the bite of pasta he’d fed me.
Maya’s laughter brings me back to the lighting aisle of the store. “I’ll take everything that happened as a giant yes.” She cackles as she pulls me into the pillow aisle. “Why don’t you get down in the sheets with him to see? Be honest about what it is. You need a good railing, but you want to do it with someone you trust.”
I’m aghast. Agog. “Maya.” I look up and down the empty aisle, half expecting to see someone looking equally shocked by what she just suggested.
“What? No one heard me. Pillows dampen sound.”
“Are you suggesting I propose a friends-with-benefits kind of relationship?”
She shrugs. “Sure, if you wanna label it.”
“Those never work!” I hiss.
“Sure they do.”
“Give me one example.”
“Well, there’s…” She thinks for a minute. “Trav and Kyle, and… Darren and Steph.”
“Trav was heartbroken when Kyle got a boyfriend, and Darren and Steph are married with a kid now.”
“Well, then I’d argue that Darren and Steph’s worked great.”
“I mean, someone usually gets hurt.”
“Or you end up getting married. It’s the same risk you take in any relationship.”
When I don’t answer. Maya rolls her eyes and makes a frustrated noise.
“Listen, what are you going to do if he finds someone and moves on and you don’t get any time? You either do something now or you risk staying in the friend-zone forever. That’s something you’re going to have to come to terms with eventually. You can’t keep going on these dates forever.”
She’s right, of course.
“They aren’t dates. They’re outings. They’re… I don’t know, a series of challenges to see who can come up with something next.”
She glares back. “Can I come on one of these outings? Seeing as how they’re not dates and all.”
No! It’s my time with Foster. “Sure,” I say nonchalantly, adding an exaggerated shrug.
Lying to Maya is virtually impossible if she asks me something outright and I can see the words liar flash back at me in her gaze. “I don’t think this place has Davis-proof lamps,” she says, walking toward the front of the store.
Sleep evaded me last night, and I felt like I let my kids down in every single appointment. I also haven’t seen Foster since Saturday, and I miss his face and his voice. I miss him in his entirety. How would I feel if he started seeing someone? I’d be devastated.
Now sitting in my car outside of the community rink where his friends are all waiting inside for me, I can’t seem to move. It’s five minutes after he told me to arrive, and I’m sitting here staring at my steering wheel wondering if I should propose the arrangement Maya seems set on for me. The thing is, I’m not even sure if it’s sex I need from him, or anyone. I think what I’m after is deeper, what I was starved of for years. Sex was always there, and it’s not what I miss. It’s not what I’m craving.
A knock on my window causes me to jump. A pair of amber eyes peer at me through the window.
“Sorry, I was lost in thought,” I confess, stepping out of the car.
“You’re allowed to be.” He steps back, giving me space before turning and walking beside me toward the building.
“Sorry I’m late,” I apologize.
“You’re not late. Heather gave everyone an earlier time so we could get seats. You wouldn’t believe how many people are here to watch a beer league game.”
Just before we reach the front door, I reach for his hand and slide my fingers through his easily.
We fit.
The concourse is busy with people mingling and lining up for food. A few older kids are running around playing tag while their parents talk. Foster effortlessly guides us through the sea of people.
The rink itself is buzzing with activity as players warm up on their respective nets. Two goalies stretch on either side of center ice, clearly deep in conversation, while pucks hit the boards in all corners of the rink.
“If this is beer league, it’s not Coors or Budweiser,” I murmur, gripping Foster’s hand a little tighter.
The place is jammed with people, many wearing the colors of the team they’re cheering for.
“Definitely something European,” Foster agrees, smiling back at me. The smile disappears quickly as I see a man running after a small child, and I yank our hands back. His forward motion is disrupted, and he practically falls into me. Thankfully his reflexes are quicker than mine and he keeps us upright, albeit pressed together.
“Sorry!” the father calls as he rushes by yelling for Martin to slow down. Martin cackles maniacally as he continues on, dodging people left and right, outmaneuvering his dad with ease.
“Kid’s got a future as a receiver,” Foster says in wonder.
I can feel his chuckle through his chest, and it stops my breathing as I tense. He steps back instantly, breaking all contact. I hate it immediately and grab his hand before he has a chance to put any more distance between us.
“Gotta sell it.”
He swallows and searches my eyes before nodding and turning away, continuing on to where his friends are sitting.
“Sophie!” several voices call when they see me.
“They’ve been counting down the minutes until your arrival.” Foster grins at me.
“Hi!” I wave lamely with my free hand, the other still firmly entwined with Fosters.
“Still going strong, eh?” Dan says, only to be elbowed by Maria.
“Leave them alone,” she hisses at him. “It’s nice to see you again, Sophie.”
“You too.” I lean around Foster to smile at Nick. “The whole gang’s here.”
“There may have been some bribery involved,” Nick says.
Foster’s forehead crinkles. “What kind of bribery? I was told to be here.”
“That’s because you’ll do anything people tell you if you think it will make someone else happy.” Nick laughs.
No touching unless I say so. Flames crackle across my skin.
“Mike, this is Foster’s girlfriend, Sophie. Sophie, this is Heather’s husband, Mike.” Maria says, and we nod at each other in greeting.
Foster leans back, our hands still clasped together, with the back of mine resting on his thigh. This is going to be so distracting.
Heather and Alex’s team wins easily, and I’m suddenly agreeing to go to the next game too. I got way more into it than I thought I would. Only three fights broke out in the stands, which wasn’t a lot according to Dan, and Foster held my hand for the entire thing. His thumb occasionally brushed the side of my palm as if reminding me he was still there and still aware.
“Oh my god, Alex, you’re disgusting.” Nick jumps back as his partner attempts to haul him into their arms.
“Drinks at Carl’s!” someone shouts, and everyone hoots and hollers.
“You two in?” Heather asks, sliding her arm through her husband’s.
Foster looks at me, and I give my head a tiny shake. I really like his friends, but I feel ready to burst with the need to talk to him. And now that I’ve decided that I need to, I don’t want to wait another second.
“We’re going to bow out, friends. It’s a school night.”
“Mm-hmm,” Alex gives a knowing look. “You two have fun doing whatever activity you’re going to get up to on a school night.”
Please open up and swallow me, I think, looking down at the floor.
“See you two Thursday!” Maria calls as they all head for the door. When they leave, we stand there for a little longer, hands still clasped, sides pressed together.
“You don’t have to come to the next game,” Foster says.
I give his hand a squeeze. “I know I don’t have to do anything.”
I only recently learned this lesson. I don’t have to have dinner ready at a certain time, even if I’m not going to be around. I don’t have to roll over because he says so. I don’t have to wear my hair down because that’s the way he prefers it. I don’t have to drive the car he bought me and then reminded me of daily.
“I want to come,” I finally say. “I, um…” I drop his hand and regret it instantly. “I have something to talk to you about. You told me I could talk to you about things if I was comfortable and I am but I just don’t know how to bring this up, not really. It’s a bit awkward. It’s nothing bad, at least I don’t think it is. Fuck, now I’m not sure if this is…”
Fingers grip my chin gently, and he guides my face from the current position of looking back at the floor, to look at him.
“I meant it, Soph. What’s up?”
“Can you come over? I don’t want to talk about this here. It smells like sweat and stale coffee.”
“I can do that.”
I pull into the driveway a second before Foster, and as his headlights illuminate my garage, my heartbeat slows down for the first time since I parked at the rink.
Foster follows me into the house silently. Inside the air feels charged, and I put space between us. It would be so damn easy to turn and kiss him. To give into these primal feelings that have been omnipresent since seeing him again. But that’s not what I want from him. Well, it is, and it’s not. There is something else I need first, something I need much more.
“Do you want something to drink?”
He doesn’t answer, and when I turn to look at him he’s got his hands in his pockets, studying me.
“What?”
“I’m trying to decide if I should tell you to get to it or if getting me a drink will ease your nerves.”
“Do you want a drink?” I ask again.
He steps toward me. “I want to know what’s up.”
“Okay, let’s.” I gesture at the couch.
Once we’re sitting, I do my best not to fidget.
“Breathe, sunshine,” Foster says gently. Foster’s calming easy presence washes over me.
“So I was thinking of what we could do for I, and I—” I laugh, losing myself in all the I’s. “I was wondering— oh god, I don’t even know how to ask this, so whatever comes out of my mouth next, well, I’m sorry for it. I know how to have sex,” I rush to say only to realize what I said. “Oh no, obviously, wait.” I put my hand up, preemptively stopping him from saying anything while also hoping to slow myself down. “Oh, this is not going how I thought, or maybe it’s going exactly how I thought it would, I’m so sorry.”
Foster reaches for my hands and scoots closer. “I’m not going anywhere.”
He has the kindest eyes I’ve ever seen. They’re not the eyes of someone who’s going to hear my request and run from the house. They’re not the eyes of someone who will laugh at me. They’re not the eyes of someone who will use my next words as a weapon later on when he wants to hurt me.
“For I, I was wondering if you could maybe help me with intimacy. Not sex,” I clarify. “Sex, I’ve, well, probably not mastered, but I know the ins and outs.” A slight blush appears on his face, and I am suddenly so grateful for his gingerness. Seeing that blush gives me a bit of a boost. “In my last relationship, my only one really, what was missing most was intimacy. I don’t really know what it’s like, but I know that I never want to experience another relationship without it. It was lonely. But I don’t really know what it is I’m missing, does this even make sense?”
“It makes sense.”
“Perfect. And I don’t know, doing this with someone I trust, a friend, feels doable.” I breathe out in relief.
He swallows and looks away for a minute. I watch as he breathes out before his head slowly turns back to me. “So,” he asks, his head tipping in question. “When does this start, and what are the boundaries? You said no sex, which makes sense with us being friends.” He says “friends” slowly as if letting it sink in. “What about other physical things? Or do you only want emotional intimacy?”
“Shit, I hadn’t really gotten that far yet. I should have waited until I knew.” I can feel myself begin to spiral. I’m such an idiot for not thinking this through more. I have a master’s degree. A fucking master’s degree and I’m charged with helping kids navigate tough shit, and I didn’t even think of what my boundaries would be when I broached this subject.
Ripping my hands out of Foster’s, I stand and begin pacing.
“Hey.” He’s up a second later and pulling me to him. One minute I’m walking and the next he’s got his arms around me, pulling me tightly into his body. “We’ll figure it out together, okay? You can tell me what you’re not into or what you would like. You don’t have to have a list prepared right now. We’ll get you to wherever you need to be.”