Chapter 9
CHAPTER 9
R oderick’s hands were shaking as he strode from the house and into the garden. He’d been told that George was outside, taking a break from the other guests, and he needed to find him before he was told this news by someone else. He knew his old friend cared deeply for his cousin and he had no idea how he would respond to this sudden match forced by Roderick’s imprudence.
He slowed his steps as the actions of that imprudence flashed into his mind. Clarissa’s face upturned, her lovely brown-green eyes locked with his. He thought of how soft her lips had been when he took them, how her fingers had clenched against his back when she let out a soft, needy sigh. He had liked kissing her. That shouldn’t have been a surprise. He hadn’t felt the lightning bolt he’d always believed he’d feel upon meeting “the one”, but she was attractive. And yet the power of the desire that kiss had sparked was still startling.
“You look like a storm coming to wreak havoc on this little garden,” George said, startling Roderick from his thoughts.
He’d been looking for his friend, but thoughts of Clarissa had wrapped so firmly in his mind that he hadn’t even noticed him sitting just ten feet away by a fountain .
He stopped and stared at George. His friend was smiling but the expression slowly fell as he took in Roderick. “What’s wrong?”
Roderick swallowed. “I have something to tell you. And I…I think you might hate me when I’m finished.”
“That’s dire,” George said slowly, and got up. “Come, we’ll walk together.”
Roderick nodded and they fell into step together. He sought words as they paced through the twisting paths of the garden. Finally, he stopped and turned toward his old friend.
“You will hear it soon enough. I doubt your aunt and uncle will control themselves any more than they already have.” He shook his head. “I am going to marry Clarissa.”
George stared at him for what felt like forever, his brow knitted and his mouth opening and shutting like a fish. “My cousin Clarissa?”
“Christ. Yes.” Roderick scrubbed a hand over his face. “Every time I say it, it feels like I’m drowning.”
“I think you’d better explain that.” George folded his arms, guardedness coming into his eyes. “All of it.”
“I saw her hustle off from the gathering earlier this afternoon and I followed.”
“Why?”
Well, that was the question, wasn’t it? He barely knew the woman, she had disliked him since she first laid eyes on him. He had no connection to her beyond his friendship with her cousin. They owed each other nothing. And yet, when he’d seen her face look so forlorn, seen her on the edge of falling apart, he hadn’t been able to stop himself.
“Kirkwood!” George snapped.
He blinked. “I don’t know. She appeared upset, I wanted to be gentlemanly.”
“Gentlemanly,” George repeated. “I see. And then what?”
“I found her in the library and she was crying and I only intended to comfort her, but then we kissed.”
George took a step back. “You kissed Clarissa? ”
“Yes.” He sighed, the weight of what came next heavy in so many ways. “Your aunt and uncle, they have designs on her future, as you well know. They played those games out by barging in, with the vicar on their heels, and catching us alone in an at least somewhat compromising position.”
George was silent for a long moment and his expression was unreadable. “I knew they were mercenary, but I never thought they’d go so far. God, that is a mess.”
“They demanded I should wed her to repair the so-called damage to her reputation.” He dragged a hand through his hair. “Fuck, I was such a fool. There isn’t a way out of it. Not without damaging her. Probably damaging me.”
“You’re right.” George looked as sick as Roderick felt. “If this is what they want and how far they’d go to get it, they’ll destroy everything if they think it will get them what they want. Her. You. Everything .”
Roderick shut his eyes. He realized now that he’d not only wanted to reveal the truth in his own way to George, but that he’d hoped his friend could provide him with some palatable escape route. But there was as much surrender to his expression as there had been on Clarissa’s.
“What about her?” he asked, softer now. “Clarissa. She declared she wasn’t part of their schemes. I want to believe her—I told her I did. But I need to know your thoughts. Do you think she was more involved than she declared?”
“No.” There was no hesitation in the answer. “Have I ever told you about the relationship between our families?”
“I don’t think it ever mattered until now.” Roderick motioned to a gazebo that was a few feet away and they entered the coolness of its shade. He sank into one of the benches set in the middle of the space while George went to look out over the rolling hills of the property.
“Our fathers are brothers, of course,” George began. “Hers is far younger than my own, by almost ten years. Uncle Marcus was raised spoilt and the fact that there was little for him to do in the world didn’t help. My father would be earl eventually one day, of course, so he was raised with that in mind. The next brother went into the military. Another invested his inheritance very well and has a leisurely life as a gentleman growing tomatoes and attending salons. But Marcus? He took the same inheritance and squandered it. Like it was never-ending. And I suppose he had good reason. While my grandmother lived, his living was always replenished. But when she died…well, my father gave him a final sum and told him he would have to make it last because there would be no more.”
Roderick shut his eyes. “Jesus. I assume he was livid.”
“I think livid and terrified. He was married by then, of course. They’d spent through my aunt’s dowry, as well, and Clarissa had already been born. They tried and tried to have a son, but failed. Sometimes tragically.”
“He had no thought to take on a profession? Perhaps the clergy or the military? I know your father. He isn’t cruel, I’m sure he would have assisted.”
“Oh yes, he would have.” George rolled his eyes. “But none of that was good enough for my uncle. He was a gentleman and he scoffed at the idea of being so grubby as to earn money. Even said it in front of his fine and decent brothers who did just that. As he became more desperate, the rest of the family distanced themselves all the more.”
“Cutting Clarissa off, as well.”
“Yes. In fact, she’s the only reason we are still linked with them in any way. She has a little money in her coffers, but most of that has been stripped away by the greed of her parents. They became obsessed with matching her well and their grasping behavior probably harmed her more than helped. I suppose that’s part of why she leaned into the idea of being entirely proper. Because her parents implied that was why she wasn’t matching, yes. But also to counterbalance their outlandish actions.”
Roderick thought of Clarissa and her book of comportment. Her vague statements when she was overwhelmed that it was impossible to have moderation. Her wearing of plain white, of never drawing attention to her hair or her pretty face.
“She is as desperate as they are,” he murmured.
“And yet she’s more clever than both of them put together. And I believe with all my heart that she would never agree to go along with a scheme to trick a man into marriage. She is a victim. I know it even before I speak to her about this travesty.”
Roderick sagged slightly in relief. He hadn’t realized how much he wanted Clarissa to be true. If he was going to be bound to her for life, likely share children with her, homes, a future…he couldn’t bear it if she were a charlatan. Or the kind of person willing to lie to get what she wanted.
“This is a nightmare,” Roderick said softly.
George nodded even as he said, “Perhaps it won’t be as bad as you fear.”
“It…it isn’t what I wanted.”
Now there was pity that leapt into his friend’s eyes. “I know. I know what you wanted. But how likely was it that you would truly meet the love of your life out there in the wide world? That you’d be thunderstruck in an instant?”
“Well, now the chance is exactly zero.”
“I’m sorry.”
He knew his friend was honest about that. He was sorry. He looked up toward the house, trying to find the window to the library where they’d kissed. Then he sighed. “You and Clarissa are close, I know. Do you have any advice on how to discuss the future with her?”
George seemed to ponder that question a moment. “She is…uncertain. A life being constantly criticized and held up as the savior of the family did that. I would suggest you be gentle with her. The shock of this must be overwhelming to her.”
Roderick nodded. “Yes. Gentle. I’ll try.”
He might have said more, but at that moment there was a great ruckus from the terrace behind them. They both turned toward it and when Roderick squinted he could see Mr. and Mrs. Lockhart standing together on the terrace, gathering the party to them. Clarissa was standing behind them, her appearance ragged and exhausted.
“Christ,” Roderick muttered, and started toward the stairs back up to the crowd, George on his heels. He had a sinking feeling he knew what was happening. Yet again without his leave or a thought to how it would look or sound. And that was proven to be true when a sweaty footman met them halfway to the stairs.
“I’ve been sent to get you, my lord,” he panted. “They’re making an announcement and want you to join them.”
“No,” Roderick muttered, and took the stairs two at a time to get to the crowd. He could hear what they were saying now as he rushed to them.
“—though our daughter hasn’t had much success, as you well know,” Mr. Lockhart was saying.
Clarissa bent her head, Roderick could see her trying to be smaller behind her parents. Trying to disappear.
“Ah, there is Kirkwood!” Mrs. Lockhart called out, waving him over. “And we can share our enormously happy news.”
He smoothed his jacket and went to them, doing everything in his power to keep his expression benign when he wanted to grab both of them by the ears and drag them into the house for a scolding. But it was too late for that now. The storm had come. He had to ride it out.
“Lord Kirkwood and our Clarissa have formed a…a bond since he joined us,” Mr. Lockhart said. “We’ve told some of our guests already, but we’re pleased to announce to the rest of the party that they’ll marry by special license as soon as we return to London in a few days.”
There was a gasp amongst the crowd and Roderick felt all their eyes swing on him and Clarissa. He responded by stepping closer to her, resting a hand on the small of her back so she would know he was there. She jumped a little at the familiar touch and then looked up at him. She put on a false smile, but he could see her blinking back tears.
“I am exceedingly happy that the lady has said yes,” he managed to croak out. “And cannot wait to call her my countess. ”
The crowd applauded, though they still looked stunned on the whole. Some of the gentlemen put their heads together to talk and the ladies stared at Clarissa. Her cheeks were dark pink, but she managed to look serene otherwise and unbothered even though he could feel her trembling against his palm.
“Our supper tonight shall be a celebration,” Mrs. Lockhart said with a wide smile, as if this was all wonderful. “And our farewell ball tomorrow even more of the same. We’ll see you all tonight.”
That ended the afternoon event and the guests began to go off in pairs and groups. Some went inside, likely to rest briefly and then ready themselves, others took the stairs to the gardens for walks. George slipped up closer and briefly squeezed Clarissa’s hand. She wouldn’t look at him, just bowed her head as her cousin stepped away.
“I thought they were finished,” she whispered with only the barest glance toward Roderick. “They dragged me down here before I could stop them.”
Roderick turned toward them. “You needn’t have done that,” he growled just under his breath at the Lockharts. “I thought we agreed to wait until supper to share the news with the entire party.”
“Now or later, what does it matter?” Mr. Lockhart said with a laugh. “Come now, I had to be certain neither of you would renege on the agreement and now you cannot.”
Roderick squeezed his eyes shut and fought with his desire to make a scene. As if George felt that, he rushed to his aunt and uncle. “Why don’t we go inside as a family and have a drink before we all take a rest and get ready?”
“I need a moment,” Clarissa said so softly Roderick thought he might have been the only one to hear her. She looked up at him, bottom lip trembling. “Please.”
He nodded and then stepped away to urge her family inside. “I think that’s a wonderful idea. Come then, I’ll join you three while Clarissa gets some air.”
George took his aunt’s arm and herded Clarissa’s parents away. Roderick glanced back at her as she walked to the edge of the terrace and clutched her hands along the railing, her head bent. She looked defeated. As defeated as he felt. And though they shared the emotional weight of this day, he realized neither one of them was ready to share it with the other.
Which meant that they were alone, and that was what he feared most going into this marriage.
O ver the years Clarissa had experienced a few times when her emotions had overwhelmed her. It felt like a fist opening in her chest, pain and worry spreading throughout her body until she shook from head to toe. Now she stood looking out at the garden and battled the war to keep herself from screaming.
Losing herself to this would only be a break in protocol and she needed good comportment more than ever now. This misstep ensured that she would have to walk the straight and narrow path for many years before people would forget her surprise engagement to a man who clearly didn’t want her.
“God,” she whispered, shaking out her tingling fingers and trying to push those difficult thoughts away so they wouldn’t take over.
“Miss Lockhart?”
She stiffened at the sound of the Marquess of Mickenshire’s voice at her back. When the engagement had been so suddenly announced, she’d seen him in the gathered crowd and his surprise had been evident. And then he’d glared at her. He hadn’t stopped glaring at her during the entire horrible display her utterly proud parents had just concluded.
She turned slowly and hoped her expression was serene. “My lord. I didn’t see you there.”
“I assume not,” he said with a sniff as he looked her up and down like she was something disgusting he’d scraped off his shoe. “You seem to have forgotten me entirely after acting a tease for the last few days. ”
Her mouth dropped open. She could understand if he were irritated with her, but she hadn’t expected him to say it so plainly. She cleared her throat and wished her chest didn’t feel so heavy as she tried to find words.
“My deepest apologies, my lord,” she began. “Yes, you and I had begun to spend some time together, so I can understand how—how confusing this sudden announcement might have been to you.”
“We were on the edge of an official courtship,” he said coolly, and his watery stare narrowed on her again. “We both know that.”
She drew a breath. How did propriety say she respond to this conversation? Did she ignore the truth and soften everything? Did she accept responsibility? Oh, how she wished she could have searched one of her books for some answers that she couldn’t find on her own.
“If I had been so—so lucky as to have been courted by you, Lord Mickenshire, I would have been most grateful.”
“And yet you are now marrying another. So what was this dance, Miss Lockhart? That is what I wish to know. Were you toying with me only to catch the eye of a rake like Kirkwood? To make him see your value by flaunting your potential attachment to another, one with higher rank?”
Her lips parted. “To do so would have been abominably rude, sir. I assure you?—”
“Yes, abominably ,” he interrupted, and stepped toward her. She took a step of her own backward, but she was against the terrace wall now and had nowhere to go. “I’m glad we agree. I do not like to be made a fool, Miss Lockhart.”
“Then do not make yourself one.”
They both turned at that statement and she caught her breath as Roderick exited the house and strode toward the two of them in long, certain steps. He stopped beside her, ever so subtly blocking her as if offering her…protection. And oddly, she felt protected. Relieved that he had intervened.
“I beg your pardon, young pup?” Mickenshire blustered.
“Miss Lockhart was kind enough to share some time with you in the last few days, but there were no agreements, were there?” Roderick asked, holding the other man’s stare evenly.
“N-no,” Mickenshire admitted.
“You had not asked her to court, nor offered her marriage?”
“Roderick,” she said softly.
Both men looked at her briefly and she realized she had called him by his given name and only made this worse. She clamped her mouth shut and forced herself not to intervene a second time.
“I had not. And it seems I am better for it considering all this behavior.” Mickenshire smoothed his waistcoat. “I can smell a scandal being covered up from miles away. As can everyone else. So I suppose you have done me a favor, Miss Lockhart, keeping me away from the kind of woman who would?—”
Roderick stepped closer to him and pressed a hand to the older man’s chest. “Careful now,” he said softly but not kindly. “Be very careful.”
They stared at each other for a long moment and then Mickenshire turned away. “Good day.”
He moved off into the house and only then did Clarissa gasp in a breath that was more like a sob. Roderick turned toward her, his harsh expression for the marquess softening when it fell on her. “Are you well?”
“Not at all,” she said, for she had no ability to politely respond. It seemed all propriety was gone now. “Why did you return to the terrace?”
“When I went into the house, I felt like you might need some support,” he said. “I suppose you wouldn’t want mine, but I wanted to be certain you were well either way. And I’m glad I did, for I overheard that blustering arse beginning to berate you and that couldn’t stand.”
“He isn’t wrong, though,” she said softly. “I violated Society’s expectations. I behaved without decorum or thought. I should be better than that. ”
He shook his head. “This obsession with propriety seems not to allow for you to be human.”
She blinked. “I don’t understand what you mean.”
“To feel is human, as is to express those feelings,” he said. “That was what you did in the library earlier. To desire comfort is human, and it’s what I offered and what you accepted. Even a kiss is human, it’s physical connection.”
“Spoken as a true rake who may, and presumably has , kissed anyone he likes,” she said, then lifted her gaze to him. “You do not need to concern yourself with Society’s expectations in the same way I do. You are titled, rich, and most importantly, a man. You’ll be forgiven for almost anything you do if you’re clever enough. While I’ll be called a wanton for leaning into a kiss. For being caught in a library in the arms of…” She broke off.
He took a long step toward her and the tension that had been harsh in her chest seemed to ease a little. Or at least change. Changed back into the flutter of excitement she’d felt just before he kissed her. When he was close, that was what she thought of as she stared up and up at him, into those dark green eyes that held such certainty and warmth.
“You may tie yourself in knots, Clarissa, but know this: you didn’t harm Mickenshire by any of your behavior. He had no right to be rude to you. That was his breech of propriety, not yours.”
Her lips parted at that defense of her, but he didn’t allow her to respond, he simply continued. “We will marry, there is the truth of it. One of my duties as your future husband is to stand between you and anyone who would dare take advantage of your sweetness. Whether that’s a clod like Mickenshire or your parents or anyone else.”
She caught her breath. What Roderick was describing was a champion. Had she ever had one of those? Occasionally her cousin had stood up for her, though always playfully, more distracting than defending. But this man had already warned off a potential dragon. He said he would do the same for the rest of her life.
Her eyes stung at the idea. “I…thank you,” she said .
He inclined his head and offered her an elbow. “I’ll escort you inside. Do you intend to go to your chamber to rest before supper?”
Suddenly she felt the exhaustion of the day. “Yes. I was trying to do just that when they started found me.”
“Well, I think they’re finished now.”
She took his arm and allowed him to lead her inside. He said nothing, just took her to the stairs where he released her. “I’m going to have a drink. I’ll see you tonight.”
She nodded, mute with surprise at this side of him. He watched her as she went up the stairs, she felt his gaze on her back with every step. And though she didn’t look back, she felt the warmth of him even when she was long gone from his company and back at her own door.
She just didn’t know what any of it meant. Not for today and certainly not from the future that had been thrust on them both by a slip of propriety and the cruel machinations of her parents.