30. Chapter 30
Chapter 30
I haven’t heard from Chase again. Not since Sunday morning when all he said was “Please call me.” I never texted him back. I just need more time.
It’s Tuesday now and I’m at work, trying to focus. It’s been hard to do that. I feel kind of lost right now. The irony is that the person I would have texted right now, to tell him how lost I feel, is the same person who’s causing that feeling.
Life feels hard right now. It feels like too many things coming at me at once. I feel like I’ve lost so much in the past six months. My mom, texting my mom, and now I feel like I’ve lost Chase.
Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything. Maybe I could have just kept things the way they were.
I keep thinking about what Hannah asked … her hard question. Is this love? Is what I feel for Chase … love? It kind of feels like it. Hannah’s quote she used—the wrong one about the bigger the jump, the harder the fall—kind of works in a different context. Like the bigger the feelings, the harder the heartbreak. It feels like that. My feelings were big, and now my heartbreak is equally big. Or bigger.
I feel tears prick in my eyes and I do that rapid blinking thing to get them to stop.
“Are you going to be ready for Saturday?”
I look up to see Devon standing in my doorway. He’s got on dark jeans and a Cooper’s polo. “What?” I say, as I reach up and dab the corners of my eyes with my fingers.
“Saturday? You’re not going to chicken out again?”
“Did Chelsea send you?”
“Of course.” He comes in and takes a seat in the chair opposite my desk.
“Of course,” I echo. “Well, I hope I don’t.”
“I can’t report back with that answer. I need a firm yes.”
“Go away, Devon.”
He smiles. “What’s wrong with you?” He gestures with a hand toward me.
“Nothing.”
“Your eyes look all watery or something.”
“Just … having a rough day.”
“Right,” he says. “Mom?”
I give him a sad smile. “Not Mom this time. Surprisingly enough.”
“Then what?”
I already know that Devon will not offer me anything I need right now. This is our MO. I’ve tried to talk to him about feelings, and he’s never been a source of advice or comfort.
“Boy troubles,” I say, hoping that will get him off it.
“Try me. I’m a boy.” He points to himself.
“You’re also my brother.” I should have gone with lady problems. Devon has no ability to deal with that.
“What are your boy problems, Mags?”
“Okay, fine,” I say, expecting little from this conversation. “I have feelings for Chase.”
His brow crinkles. “The guy that I gave a ride to? The one with Mom’s number?”
“The very one. ”
“I knew it,” he says.
“What? You know nothing.”
“I could tell when you told us at Dad’s. There was something going on.”
“Joke’s on you, because nothing was going on then. These are … newer developments.”
At least, I’m pretty sure they are. I try to think back to that night, the night I’d busted out this info like I was confessing a crime or something.
Were the feelings starting then? We’d already been ATVing, race car driving, zip-lining, and spelunking. I remember sitting on his couch, with Oscar in my lap, feeling like myself … a feeling I hadn’t had in so long. Had I been feeling this way for a while and just didn’t recognize it?
“And?” Devon asks, his voice carrying notes of impatience.
“He does not reciprocate.”
“Ah,” he says. “Well, he’s a jackass.”
I might have been wrong about Devon. That actually makes me feel a little lighter. Just that one sentence.
“What did he do?”
“It’s kind of a long story.”
“I’ve got too much ADD for a long story. Give me the shortened version,” he says.
I chuckle. “I thought he liked me. We spent a lot of time together, but I told him how I felt the other night, and he did not feel the same.”
“Did he say that?”
“Pretty much.”
“Can I punch him?”
This time I laugh. “Sure,” I say. “He’s leaving for London on Friday for six months, so you’d better act fast. ”
He punches a fist into his hand. “Tell me where to go.”
We both smile at each other now.
“There’s clearly more here than you’re telling me, which my ADD appreciates, but just so you know, I think whichever guy finally gets you is going to be pretty lucky.”
I blink rapidly again. “Thanks, Dev.”
“No problem.”
“You’re a pretty great brother. And I guess a pretty great guy too.”
He shrugs. “I try.”
“Hannah’s still off-limits.”
“Damn,” he says, looking to the side.
“So’s Robin,” I say.
“You ruin all my fun.”
I wink at him. “Now you sound like the brother I know.”
L ater that night as I’m lying in my bed, my phone beeps. I grab it and look at it. It’s Chase. It’s been so long since I last heard from him, I’d thought maybe that was it. That he’d given up. No such luck.
I look at the text because I feel like I’m in a mood to torture myself. Can’t wait to see which version of Can we talk? he decided to send.
Chase: You were right
Well, that’s new. You were right . I go to text back, but then, what could I say? Yes, of course I’m right or just Duh . I could send him one of those emojis with the eyes rolling.
My phone beeps again .
Chase: I’m sorry.
I don’t know what he has to be sorry for. It’s his own feelings he was avoiding. He needs to apologize to himself. Or maybe he realizes that I was also part of his subconscious plan to avoid his emotions. I guess he could apologize for that. Or worse yet, he’s apologizing because he doesn’t reciprocate my feelings.
Maybe he’s sorry for telling me that I was avoiding my feelings. But I’ve had a lot of time to think about that … and he could be right. It does seem like the anxiety surrounding the jump is shielding me from feeling something else. The problem is, I don’t know what it is.
I could text him back that I’m sorry too, but I’m not sorry. Well, I’m sorry that I told him how I feel, and that I got so many things wrong with that.
The truth is, I’m still not ready to talk to him. Maybe I’ll get over all these emotions I’m having right now. Maybe when the dust settles I’ll want him back in my life. As a friend, of course. But I’d have to be okay with that, and I just don’t know how long that will take.